Soon to be fiance wearing her ex's wedding band

[melancholy123]

What if she gets the ring remodeled to a different design, with any stones changed around too, so it looks like a brand new ring. Would you be ok with that?

[abitbroken]

My aunt was widowed and remarried. She still has her engagement ring and wedding band. She still wears her first engagement ring on her right hand - its not a typical solitaire engagement ring or anything and the prominent stone is not a diamond - looks more like a cocktail ring - but only for dress up and daily wears her ring from her new husband on her left hand. Her husband has no issue with it. It honors her life before she met her new husband and her husband is a widower, too. they have a healthy relationship where they are allowed to mention their prior spouses and She does not wear her original wedding band, but its just a simple ring - she does have it and will give it to a child when they get married as an option if they would like it. And when her children marry, she will pass down the engagement ring while she is still alive and give a stone to each.

[Mobywhale]

What if she gets the ring remodeled to a different design, with any stones changed around too, so it looks like a brand new ring. Would you be ok with that?

I would be ok with that. Idk if she would do it or not lol

[boltnrun]

I appreciate it. I think my insecurities are running free in my head right now and blowing things way out of proportion. It is something I definitely need to work on.

 

Why do you feel insecure? After this long, it seems strange that you would feel insecure about her or the relationship.

 

Is there anything else going on?

[Mobywhale]

Why do you feel insecure? After this long, it seems strange that you would feel insecure about her or the relationship.

 

Is there anything else going on?

My previous relationship of 10 years ended right before I proposed and I think I am just psyching myself out.

[poorlittlefish]

I have been divorced for 5 years, but I still have my wedding ring because I chose it and I think it's beautiful. If it would fit on the another finger I would wear it and it would mean absolutely nothing to me. My former husband was a liar and when I look at the ring it doesn't bring forth feelings of wishing I was still with him, nor of fond memories. I simply look at it and think it's a nice ring and your partner probably does the same.

[Realitynut]

Exactly. I wear a ring my ex-bf gave me. I picked it out. It's just a band with 3 diamonds. It was to be my engagement/wedding band. He cheated. (basically the only way he could get rid of me!) I wore it on my right hand...until I gained a few pounds. Now wear it on my ring finger...on my left hand. No biggy. It was 10 years ago! My mom's wedding band is on my left hand middle finger. Only rings I wear. The ring I had when I was married is thrown in a drawer somewhere!!!! lol

[Mobywhale]

We talked more about the situation and she agreed to sell the ring.

[Rose Mosse]

We talked more about the situation and she agreed to sell the ring.

 

Bravo for chatting about it with her. Communication is a beautiful thing.

[Mobywhale]

Bravo for chatting about it with her. Communication is a beautiful thing.

She was reluctant about it but said she would if it would make me more comfortable.

[Wiseman2]

That's sad. Tell her not to sell it. Never be this controlling.

She was reluctant about it but said she would if it would make me more comfortable.

[Realitynut]

I agree with Wiseman. She shouldn't have to sell it. It's HER ring....she picked it out....it means ZERO to her regarding her ex. She isn't selling it because she WANTS to....she's selling it to make YOU happy! Let it go....she should be able to keep her darn ring.....

[Camber 2019]

Just curious OP...

 

Would you get upset if she liked to dine at a restaurant that she frequented with an ex?

[abitbroken]

We talked more about the situation and she agreed to sell the ring.

 

noooo.

If she decides to sell it on her own after you marry, that's one thing, but for her to agree to sell it because you are insecure is wrong. Flat out.

what if you decide to not propose? What if you get cold feet because your last relationship ended just as you were about to get engaged. Its something she should decide on her own -- or decide to keep forever and tuck away.

[abitbroken]

She was reluctant about it but said she would if it would make me more comfortable.

 

That's absolutely a crying shame. Its one thing if she chooses not to wear it because it makes you uncomfortable? but sell it? I hope this is not a sign of the control to come from you. you have GOT to get your insecurities under control or you won't end up being married to her or it will be a short one

[Rose Mosse]

She's a grown up and can make her own decisions. If she wants to sell it, let her. It's your job, though, to express how you feel. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and planning to marry this person.

[j.man]

Yeah so I was under the impression she was going to be ritualistically wearing this band opposite yours. Putting it on with select outfits is very simply her thinking it goes well with something. Getting her to sell it makes you the a**hole in a very big way.

[Camber 2019]

Yeah so I was under the impression she was going to be ritualistically wearing this band opposite yours. Putting it on with select outfits is very simply her thinking it goes well with something. Getting her to sell it makes you the a**hole in a very big way.

 

Yep... and if you get married, she has the right to forever throw this in your face "You MADE me sell my ring..."

[abitbroken]

She's a grown up and can make her own decisions. If she wants to sell it, let her. It's your job, though, to express how you feel. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells and planning to marry this person.

 

He said "she reluctantly agreed because he didn't feel comfortable". That's the wrong part. If he voiced his concern and she said "honey, if it bothers you, i won't wear it" or "honey, you know you are the only one for me. As I said, its just a ring to me." But for him to say "reluctant" makes me think he pressed. He could have been more lighthearted "hey, hon, so let's say you were to receive another wedding band someday. Would you still wear that ring?' And she said "heck no, i'd sell it" or "Its just a ring to me. I might remake it or save it for a child"

 

I know i am hanging on that one word, but reluctant does not mean enthusiastic

[Wiseman2]

If you were patient, she would have proudly worn your engagement ring instead. But no, you didn't go ring shopping with her. You harped on a piece of old jewelry. Maybe she acquiesced to this but she probably thinks a lot less of you now.

[Rose Mosse]

I understand what's being said. Thanks for clarifying.

 

I also think there's a lot being read into one line and one word "reluctant". It's between the OP and his fiancee and I don't tend to think she's naive enough to blindly do as he says especially after what she's already been through with her ex. She's gone to therapy. She's done her homework. She's not a child and she shouldn't be treated as if they're both walking on eggshells. Part of being in a relationship is acknowledging differences in opinion and coming to an agreement, working on communication that works between the both of them. It shouldn't be one-sided. I tend to think these are the ways a couple grows together, not through silences or harboured resentments only to be revisited later on down the line.

 

How the conversation came about, we don't know. What exact words were said in the entirety of that conversation is also an unknown. I'd rather give the OP the benefit of the doubt that the conversation was actually quite mild and it was a discussion between adults. If she doesn't want to sell the ring, I'm sure she's perfectly capable of shooting the idea down too. That's the brilliant part about it. It's her choice too just as it's his choice on whether he wants to be honest about his opinion or not. 50/50

[abitbroken]

His opinion came from a place of insecurity and his response was insecure. If he was secure and didn't like it, he would have bought her a ring and said "i have an idea. you know...do you really want to wear that ring? how about this one instead? (he pulls out a ring and proposes)" And i bet if she ultimately decides to change her mind and not sell the ring, he will take it as a rejection/overthink what it means and bail

[Rose Mosse]

That's really sweet actually. I see where you're going with this - sort of like showing her what she's been missing this whole time (a nice ring and all the love to go with it). I don't know what would happen if she decided not to sell it. OP, what are your thoughts?

[Realitynut]

why the heck can't she wear both rings?She's not wearing it on her ring finger on her left hand!!!!! I have just costume jewelry. This is the prettiestring I have ever owned. Just a band with 3 diamonds. Does NOT look like an engagement ring.....No way would I sell it just because my boyfriend was jealous of me wearing it! I love my ring. I don't love either of my ex's.....