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Soon to be fiance wearing her ex's wedding band


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I have been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I will be proposing this month. Whenever we get dressed up to go out she wears her wedding band (not engagement ring) from her ex on her right ring finger. I thought this was weird so I asked her about it. She told me that she just thinks it is a pretty ring and that she likes to wear it. She said that when they got married he made her buy her own wedding band and that he did not spend a dime on it or even go with her to pick it out. So to her it has no meaning (it's just another ring). She told me that she divorced him after 3 months together because they had zero connection and he treated her badly. I can kind of see where she is coming from saying it's just a ring to her, but the fact that it was meant to be a wedding ring still bugs me a little bit. Am I being ridiculous?

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He was very mentally and emotionaly manipulative as well as sexually abusive. He would leave for days and never say when he was coming back or even that he was leaving in the first place. He refused to sleep in the same room as her when they were married. She went to therapy for a long time after the relationship. I am very sure she is able to be her true self now.

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If you are not ok with the ring on her hand, she should respect your wishes. This is just a hunch and a gut feeling but I don't feel she's overcome her previous issues yet with manipulation and abuse in her previous relationship if she is not open to your opinion. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells with her either. If you don't like it, tell her you don't like it.

 

What is your dynamic like? Is she difficult to please or do you feel afraid to talk to her about concerns?

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It's strange but if she treats it like just a piece of jewelry, then that's what it is to her. Does she wears clothes, jewelry, etc that you have given her? She's with you. That's the important part. You've already discussed this, so just leave it. Have you gone ring shopping together? Start there.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I will be proposing this month.
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I understand your feelings here.

 

I'd tell her that you aren't fond of this, and that you hope she respects your wishes to stop wearing it. Additionally, I'd offer her this option: let's sell it, and use the money towards another ring that I'll help with so that that ring comes from me. Not another wedding band, but a nice ring that she can wear on that finger.

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It's strange but if she treats it like just a piece of jewelry, then that's what it is to her. Does she wears clothes, jewelry, etc that you have given her? She's with you. That's the important part. You've already discussed this, so just leave it. Have you gone ring shopping together? Start there.

I know exactly what kind of ring she wants. Pinterest can be a great tool here also from talking. I mean we have already named children. The more I talk about this out loud it seems more and more like it is my silly insecurities instead of an actual issue.

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Do you trust her? Do you love her?

 

To me it seems reasonable, you said she had been to therapy, you said that she called time on the previous marriage and you also said you are proposing after 2 and a half years. I can see why you have issue, the ring to you means something entirely different, you wasn't a part of her life in what sounds like quite a traumatic experience but you are there now. Whether it reminds of her what she has had to overcome in the past of it is just a nice piece of jewellery to her I think you should respect that.

 

I don't think you're being ridiculous and getting a second opinion was a good idea. Ask her what the ring truly signifies. But by the sounds of things its no threat to what you guys have going on!

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While it doesn't mean that she wants to be with him (like, at all) or that she misses him in any way, it might mean that she isn't quite ready to let go of the past just yet, or it might mean that she really does like it because she picked it out and paid for it herself... there is something very empowering about buying expensive jewelry for yourself, especially for a woman.

 

Maybe once you propose she will want to take it off, maybe not, but at the end of the day if she is fully committed to you in every way then perhaps this is something you can let go.

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I’m of mixed minds. In some ways it’s like a tattoo of an ex’s name that you give new meaning, and reclaim, by tweaking the tattoo. Her wearing it on a different finger is like that added ink.

 

That said, I also understand your feelings, and like others are saying they should be pretty easy to share. Ideally you let her know that, hey, the ring thing suddenly let seems weird now that you’re getting married. And she hears you, listens, tweaks her wardrobe. Or she has an explanation that soothes, though my eyebrow would probably get raised if this was something she wanted to dig in on.

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I think it's really weird. I have this gorgeous bracelet from an ex that I loved deeply at one stage. I don't have feelings for him but would not wear it cos it's more the meaning attached behind the gift than anything else. The bracelet is beautiful and I would wear it if it wasn't a gift from an ex. If it's perfume of something like that, it's different. Jewelery esp rings are so personal.

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I think it's really weird. I have this gorgeous bracelet from an ex that I loved deeply at one stage. I don't have feelings for him but would not wear it cos it's more the meaning attached behind the gift than anything else. The bracelet is beautiful and I would wear it if it wasn't a gift from an ex. If it's perfume of something like that, it's different. Jewelery esp rings are so personal.
He did not give the ring to her. She went out and spent her own money and picked out her own ring. This was not a gift from him in any way shape or form.
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As someone who doesn't wear a wedding ring, I wouldn't mind it. But that's precisely because I don't put any stock in the symbolism. It would just be a ring she wants to wear. However, if wedding rings did mean something to me, or perhaps more importantly if they meant something to her, I'd find it perplexing. The ring represents the marriage, not the other way around. So she plans to wear your wedding ring on one hand and her other wedding ring on the other hand? It's just strange.

 

But there's not much you can do about it. Only you can determine whether it's the hill you want to die on. It may be kinda petty, but I honestly don't think any more petty than her not seeing where you're coming from yet insisting she keep it on. Even for those of us who don't much care for the symbolism, it's pretty conventionally understandable why someone would be uncomfortable with it. Be that as it may, you've brought it up, she's heard you, and she's going to wear it or she isn't. Not a whole lot you can do. Weigh it against what you two have got.

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I think it's the representation of a prior marriage that bothers me - that it boils down to what marriage represents to each of us in our lifetime and I do think she should be free to wear it if it's a symbol of her overcoming hardship. There's no rule that should prevent her from doing as she wishes and it's between the both of you.

 

I know what my husband's prior marriage meant to him and he would never dream of wearing a piece of jewelry or something of that matter from his prior marriage around me. That's not how we roll. His marriage was for a good long while to someone very special and someone who belonged to a large part of his past but it's not who he is now. Again, that representation and what that part of a person's lifetime means is significant. I think who gave what is only one part of it. It's the representation or symbolism of it that matters a lot.

 

I think that it should be left up to her to decide and for you if you have an opinion on it. Not all things will represent or symbolize the same things to others. And again, if it represents overcoming of hardship and her own individual self, a deeply individual reflection and not the marriage itself, that might be an empowering thing for her to wear. I'm sure she has her own reasons and if you trust her, it shouldn't be a problem. If you have even a hint that it's inappropriate, do not marry her.

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I appreciate it. I think my insecurities are running free in my head right now and blowing things way out of proportion. It is something I definitely need to work on.

 

You're way too hard on yourself. Life's too short for all that. Go out and have fun with your soon to be fiancee and celebrate.

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