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I don't even know how to start, this is so sad and confusing.

 

I'm 25 and two months ago I married my long term boyfriend. We had been dating for years, I loved him with all my heart and I truly believed he was THE one. I remember I even told my sister on the night I met him that I had fund the man I would marry. He was everything I wanted and even though we disagreed at times, I knew I loved him and that we were meant to be together. A year ago I bumped into an old friend, a guy I attended college with. We talked for a bit, my partner knew about it and had no problem (he trusted me completey) but then, slowly, I started to fall for my friend. I was shocked. In all the years with my boyfriend I had never even given a guy a second glance. Not even Brad Pitt could have made me second guess my feelings for the man that I loved so very much- but there I was, getting butterflies in my stomach everytime I would get a text from this friend.

 

Finally, I came clean to my boyfriend and told him how I felt. He was angry, but let it slide. I tried to stop all contact with this person, let's call him Adam. I really did try my best, but Adam had feelings for me as well and, long story short, we ended up sleeping together. Not once, but many many times. I started making up excuses to not see my bf and it was actually pretty easy since he travels quite a lot for work. I fell in love with Adam and we pretty much moved in together (again, bf had no clue as we was out of town often). It was clear to me we were soulmates- we have the same major, he would read to me (my favorite books!), we shared the same sense of humor and were just completely happy together. I had never felt so complete.

 

Adam knew about my bf, but he was respectful and even though he expected me to completely break up with him he was pretty confident as I was spending day and night by his side. I was getting ready to dump my boyfriend, going as far as telling my parents and close friends. They all knew about Adam- he wasn't a secret. I wanted to start a serious relationship with him. One Friday night my boyfriend invited me out, I wasn't dressing up like I used to when I was with him, barey answered his calls, you get the idea. So I was a bit surprised when he took me to the fanciest restaurant I had ever seen and proposed. Looking back I think he felt I was growing cold towards him and he used this in a desperate attempt to keep me from leaving. And it worked. I said Yes, put the ring on my finger and started planning out a wedding. It was what I had always wanted, right? so what if I didn't feel excited at the time, the emotions would come sooner or later, or so I thought.

 

My parents and friends supported this decision, they all loved my fiance and had known him for years. No one forced me, of course, it was all my choice. I told Adam and deleted his number. Then one night he came to my house and found me there, in my pjs drinking wine straight from the bottle and crying. He seemed to want to stay away but he ended up holding me and then making love to me-engagement ring on my finger and all. Making love with him was like nothing I had ever experienced before, so passionate, so intense. Our connection was deeply spiritual, it was like being on a different world- just Adam and me. He asked me to marry him that night. He said he would get a marriage licence the next day and we could get married immediately. I said yes. Yup, that's right. I was engaged to two different men. The next day he followed throught and was doing everything so we could get married asap. I talked to my father about breaking off with (first) fiance and he agreed, so I went to his house and just blurted everything out. He was pissed. He hit me, I was truly scared for myself. I managed to get to a bathroom and locked the door from the inside. I called my father, no answer. I called Adam, he was there to pick me up in minutes. He was still in his pijamas when he got there. I won't bore you even more with the details, but my then fiance lied to Adam about everything. He said he hadn't hit me (I was badly bruised and he had even attepted to choke me) he said I was at his house to sleep over (No, I wasn't. He hadn't touched me since I started seeing Adam. I was there to break off the engagement) Well, Adam got me out of there for my safety, but never again contacted me. Fast foward a year and I married my old boyfriend. The one I had loved so much for so many years. The one I grew up with. The one that forgave me, and I forgave him, and we bought a beautiful house together and had a wonderful honeymoon and are even planning on children soon.

 

The one that laid hands on me.

 

The one I'm not madly in love with anymore.

 

I don't ever cry when I think about Adam, but gosh, how I think about him. Every singe day. I'm a good wife to my husband, I provide a good income that allows us to have a comfortable life. On top of that I cook, clean and make sure he has everything he needs at all times. I let him make love to me when he needs it, but it's never something I look foward to.

 

I care about my husband and I love him. I love the things we have accomplished together and I'm proud of him as he is of me. I know life with Adam would never have worked out- he wanted to travel and have fun, smoked too much, drank too much and didn't want a family. I don't regret getting married to the man sitting across from me at this moment, but it is true what they say: there is more than one true love during a life time. I married the love of my life, but my soulmate is in Canada right now, probably smoking weed and reading Julio Cortazar.

 

Sometimes I wish I hadn't met Adam. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I'm missing a part of myself. Maybe I would be able to love myhusband completely.

 

I WANT to love him without holding back. I WANT to make love to him and feel intimacy and light and joy. I WANT to kiss him with the same passion I did before and not just because he has asked me to.

 

The question is, how do I go back to being crazy in love with the man I married?

Edited by viv19
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Have the marriage annulled. It's hard to believe you had a wedding with all your people present and they stood around smiling and congratulating the man who beat you up. He'll do it again.

He hit me, I was truly scared for myself. I managed to get to a bathroom and locked the door from the inside. I called my father, no answer.

I married my old boyfriend.

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I called my father, no answer. I called Adam, he was there to pick me up in minutes. He was still in his pijamas when he got there. Well, Adam got me out of there for my safety, but never again contacted me.

 

you were absolutely not ready to get married to your longtime boyfriend, it was very unfair of you to do that. yes, it was awful that your boyfriend hit you after you confessed about your affair and plans to be married to Adam but you should have known your boyfriend wasn't marriage material at that moment when he hit you, but neither were you! as you were not being faithful to him.

 

i also find it strange that Adam just up and quit the relationship when he was so willing to marry you right away, just seems like he wasn't a good choice for a partner either as he didn't stick around.

 

at this point your married, (your decision after he hit you and you cheated on him and all), so you either do the work and go to marriage counseling and talk about how you feel and try to make the marriage work OR you file for divorce.

 

you were not ready to get married to anyone at that time, let alone have a relationship with anyone for that matter. however, you're in the situation now so you have to either work it out the right way (not cheating) or file for divorce. it's that simple.

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Hi! I probably should have mentioned that yes, we did go to therapy. First together and then just him (therapist insisted on it as he said the violence part was not about me at all and something he needed to work on by himself). I would never cheat again. That is ot my question at all- is more like, will I ever feel the same way I did before? will marriage bring us closer together overt ime? Is just something I hope and pray for.

Also, yes, you are absoluteky right. I was no marriage material at the time, trust me, I know that. But at this moment I truly feel like I'm being the best version of myself and being a good wife. Is just the feelings that are not coming back.

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Im surprised that there wasn’t one person that objected to you going ahead with getting married. In fact I am baffled that there was that much support for it. The reality is, it’s impossible to get that passion back. It’s done and over. It’s time you admit you made a terrible mistake and take responsibility for it. You are being a coward. There is no nice way of getting out of your decision that you made. Just suck it up and get this marriage annulled. Tough words but it’s been a long time a comin.

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Hi! I probably should have mentioned that yes, we did go to therapy. First together and then just him (therapist insisted on it as he said the violence part was not about me at all and something he needed to work on by himself). I would never cheat again. That is ot my question at all- is more like, will I ever feel the same way I did before? will marriage bring us closer together overt ime? Is just something I hope and pray for.

Also, yes, you are absoluteky right. I was no marriage material at the time, trust me, I know that. But at this moment I truly feel like I'm being the best version of myself and being a good wife. Is just the feelings that are not coming back.

 

I hardly know where to begin. Why did you get married? You weren't in love with your husband or you wouldn't have cheated and even accepted ANOTHER proposal! Even taking that out of the equation- WHY would you marry a man who hit you??? I'm sorry to tell you, but patterns often repeat themselves. Not because you are innately "bad people" but because human behavioral patterns are difficult to change. So, it's very easy to SAY " I would never cheat again, he would never hit me again"- but you simply don't know. You cannot possibly project 10, 20, 30 years into the future and make either of those statements with absolute certainty. And you are very young, I believe you said you are 25- IMO, you haven't fully grown into you you are yet.

 

Will you ever feel the same? No. IMVHO, Marriage never "brings people closer" just like having kids doesn't "bring people closer"- both only amplify what's already there or not there. You can't force feelings to happen that aren't there. You are living a lie. If you are unhappy NOW, trust me- you will be tempted in the future when another handsome man comes along that you have chemistry with. (and that WILL happen) Your husband may (or may not) eventually get tired of feeling like he's "forcing you" to love him. In either scenario, you are both clinging to the fantasy of the past and not moving forward with the currently reality. I think you BOTH wish this relationship was something that it isn't. This "happy lie" won't last forever any way you slice it.

 

Please for both your sakes- GET AN ANNULMENT. Or at least do NOT have children together.

 

I know some people will disagree, I don't believe there is only ONE person out there for everyone. I think we all have MANY potential good partners for us. Some may be better than others, but everyone will have faults and flaws. There is NO perfect match, because there is no perfect person.

Marriage is incredibly challenging, especially when we are talking about REALLY long term- 20+ years. You will change, he will change- and you will face HARD ISSUES together. And you just don't KNOW how you would/will respond to things like: infertility, miscarriage, death of a parent, unexpected illness, unexpected financial hardship, death of a child, being evicted- These are the tough things. And you just can't know how or your partner will respond until they are upon you. And that's not even taking into ACCOUNT all the regular highs and lows of marriage. If you are already feeling like you are "faking it"- you have no CHANCE of even surviving any of the above. Even when you ARE madly in love, these things all shake you and test your relationship in ways you cannot begin to imagine.

 

IMVHO, why prolong the inevitable- save both of you YEARS of unhappiness, admit you made a mistake and get an annulment.

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Boy you made some really bad decisions. I find it hard to believe your family would be fine with the choices you were making, bouncing from man to man. I think you should have this marriage annulled or get a divorce. I think you need more therapy to get your head on straight so you dont repeat this.

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Piling on here, get out of this sham of a marriage.

 

While you are not responsible for your then fiance for hitting you, you do own the hurt you did to him with betrayal. His reaction was out of bounds.

 

You have to stop looking to men to solve your unhappiness.

 

I do not see you as being ready for a healthy relationship without counseling

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You seem very unstable OP... bending like a willow in the wind at every emotion and feeling and at the beck and call of these men in your life... the fact that you allowed all of this to happen indicates that you have some deep issues that need to be resolved, perhaps even mental illness that has yet to be diagnosed.

 

My suggestion is to focus on your mental health... see a psychiatrist and psychologist so you can get the appropriate help for your situation.

 

As for your relationship... the passion is done, you killed it, and there is no going back.

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I agree- get the marriage annulled. I am sorry he hit you of course. He deserves a wife who loves and is in love with him. I think you are far too self-absorbed right now to be a good partner to anyone so I would set him free and then if you want to seek a long term relationship get counseling first so you have the tools and mindset to be a good match for someone.

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Hello, smackie9. I appreciate you taking the time to answer, but I think the misunderstanding here is I do not wish to end my marriage. Like I mentioned before, I do love him (although I lack that intimacy and closeness from before) but we care deeply about each other and have accomplished great things together. I want to WORK on this marriage, not throw it out the window. I'm looking for advice on how to get closer to my husband again, not how to break our new famiy apart.

 

Thank you for your honesty and I do understand sometimes tough words are the only way to put things into perspective.

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I agree- get the marriage annulled. I am sorry he hit you of course. He deserves a wife who loves and is in love with him. I think you are far too self-absorbed right now to be a good partner to anyone so I would set him free and then if you want to seek a long term relationship get counseling first so you have the tools and mindset to be a good match for someone.

 

 

Hi Batya33. Actually, I am not being self-absorbed. I am giving my everything for him and for our marriage. Financially, emotionally, as well as with time and actions. I agree I made mistakes on the past, but I can honestly say I'm a good wife. I just want to miss him when he travels, to hold his hand and get butterflies in my tummy.

Othe rthan that, no, I am not being self-centered in any way.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread.

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You seem very unstable OP... bending like a willow in the wind at every emotion and feeling and at the beck and call of these men in your life... the fact that you allowed all of this to happen indicates that you have some deep issues that need to be resolved, perhaps even mental illness that has yet to be diagnosed.

 

My suggestion is to focus on your mental health... see a psychiatrist and psychologist so you can get the appropriate help for your situation.

 

As for your relationship... the passion is done, you killed it, and there is no going back.

 

Maew,

You are right. Something must have been wrong for me to allow this to happen. Grandma had just passed away, she was like my mother (raised me since I was a baby). I was clinging to everything and everyone. Still, not an excuse. As for a mental illness, no, I have been to counseling and there is no depression, anxiety disorders or anything of the sort. Not a sociopath either as far as I know.

Psychologist said it was a case of me trying to meet others' expectations, which is completelly wrong, but by no mean am I mentally ill. Still, this is very good advise, we should all seek professional help when needed. Thanks!

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Boy you made some really bad decisions. I find it hard to believe your family would be fine with the choices you were making, bouncing from man to man. I think you should have this marriage annulled or get a divorce. I think you need more therapy to get your head on straight so you dont repeat this.

 

 

This is the only comment I have found offensive, but as I put myself out there I get that there is always the risk of comments like this.

So here it goes: No, my family wasn't okay with me ''bouncing from man to man''. My now husband has been the only man I have ever introduced them to and they had known him since we were still teenagers. I had never before cheated, or been with other men. In fact, my now husband was my first time and that was after we talked about getting married (but before Adam).

My parents respect and love me. They respected my choice to leave my (now) husband because they wanted me to be happy, but they believed all along he was the right person for me.

Yes, I made bad choices. But it was never my intention to shame my family or my then fiance. These two men have been my only sex partners in my entire life.

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Hi Batya33. Actually, I am not being self-absorbed. I am giving my everything for him and for our marriage. Financially, emotionally, as well as with time and actions. I agree I made mistakes on the past, but I can honestly say I'm a good wife. I just want to miss him when he travels, to hold his hand and get butterflies in my tummy.

Othe rthan that, no, I am not being self-centered in any way.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread.

 

No, you're not IMO. The way you write it's all about you -your feelings, your desires, your passivity in the face of temptation, the whole sob story about how your cheating just happened to you, how you agreed to marry him, etc. It's not being a good wife to be with someone you're not in love with because for one thing it will make it much harder for you to resist inevitable temptation and based on your past -because past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior - you will succumb to the temptation with the same excuses. Unless you choose to go to counseling for example. What you "want" is also self-absorbed -it's what "you" want to feel -a feeling - not about what you want to give to him. Without romantic love there's no reason to be married to a person unless the two people desire a marriage of convenience. Neither of you do. He is being misled right now into thinking his wife is in love with him and with him for the right reasons and you are in a marriage that doesn't meet your desire to be in love with your husband. And no I don't think a healthful marriage requires butterflies or missing to be a romantic and loving marriage - sure it's normal to have the lulls, and what's also normal is to know "we're in a lull right now and I know we can revive the spark fairly simply so it might not be today or tomorrow because of [insert current circumstance] but it's my top priority to connect with him and revive the spark." And when the spark is there you can revive it just by a memory of the spark - you may have had a spark a long time ago but it basically disappeared, you further buried it to nonexistence by your choice to cheat on him regularly - which also makes you lose respect for the person for sticking around -that's a real spark-killer too.

 

I don't think you're being good to yourself, to him or a "good wife" other than the aspects of wifedom that involve being a financial partner and acting in a caring way. But your heart's not in it. And I know what that's like because had I married my husband the first time we were engaged my heart would not have been in it. I get the difference and experience it regularly. Thank goodness we waited and spent time apart. (And no there was never ever cheating or anything like that and I doubt we'd be together if there had been).

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What a thread.

 

It's all very simple from where I sit, removed from the drama and emotional whirl. You're exactly where a whole lot of people find themselves at 25, a fine, if thorny, spot to be in save for the part where you got married to a dizzying and destructive phase a lot of people shed on the path toward toward finding the right person to marry.

 

Not a fun sentence to read, I know, but neither is it a very fun life to be living, as you know. The solution is pretty simple: marriage gets annulled, you get to keep exploring, searching, getting in touch with yourself, obsessing about yourself, and, in time, you'll find yourself in a situation that actually feels the way you so want this one to feel like. As I told a friend 5 years ago who was miserably engaged to his girlfriend of 10 years, "It's a lot easier to end an engagement than a marriage." He thanks me weekly. Bet his ex does too, in her own way. Hear she's happily married now.

 

But I know you don't want to take that step now, you're still clinging to the ashes in hopes that gripping them tightly will turn that back to stardust, with just enough of Adam resin left in the pipe for an occasional toke to keep on keeping on. So it goes. But I can't really offer any advice about getting back the passion and making things work. It wouldn't be genuine, since I'd put 100K on a bet that you are unmarried to your husband by 30, probably much sooner. And I believe me winning that bet would not only help my buy another house but would represent a win to your life, and your continuing to find your true self. It would be a win to your husband too. Poor dude has been through enough.

 

So, try everything. Go to Paris together, install a saucy swing in the basement, take up salsa dancing, create social media feeds where you two appear to have figured it all out. Try poems, try whips, try couples counseling. I'd really, really, really advise you to not have a baby to fill the void with butterflies. With that, what can still be a phase on the road to stability will become your whole life, and you'll learn the not-pleasant feeling of what it's like to be 28 and feel about 80. You also may mess up a little kid to high heaven. Live long enough and you know friends who made choices along those lines. Ooof.

 

I've got 15 years on you, for reference. Me at 25? It had some parallels with you, so I'm not going to judge. I bounced around, blurred lines, played "Adam" to more than a few people. For better or worse, my own rocky psychology—which took some real, rewarding wrestling with to understand—did not include the gene that made me fall in love with every woman I was with. I just kind of hopscotched, until I realized the game I was playing sucked. But I was, as you are, self-absorbed to the nth degree—so much so that I couldn't even see it, I was choking so hard on my own supply. Yeah, you're doing that now, romanticizing yourself, your life, your crazy story, in a passive way that allows you to stay in it rather than outgrow it, as your own cells are begging for that growth.

 

Owning that isn't so fun, but what comes after owning is. It's actually the thing you want, without realizing it.

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To answer your question in post #1, most people have asked that same question, OP. Being married isn't always a walk in the park. I think the other members have asked a lot of questions and you've answered them too.

 

Maybe you should explore the idea of marriage and what it ought to mean to you a bit more. You may have expectations that are unrealistic and aren't quite in tune with your current or present situation. That feeling of giddiness and over the moon happiness isn't there every single day when you're married. You become family members as you've probably noticed and you see parts about each other that are not always attractive.

 

I think you're having issues letting go of the dating phase and you're nurturing ideas about marriage that may not be realistic overall. I'd encourage you to speak with other friends or family members candidly and be with people around your own age, in similar phases of life. You seem isolated and forlorn, really lost at the moment. I don't mean this in a cruel way. I'm being very honest with you.

 

Center yourself and get in touch with others who are more like you. Part of gaining wisdom and growing older means learning to grow older and wiser given our set of circumstances and given any decision we've had to make or someone else has had to make for us. You'll never be able to change yourself or change your situation or grow forward if you cannot accept who you are or what you have become or where you are at in your life.

 

Accept your present situation first and then set out to change things if you're not happy.

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No, you're not IMO. The way you write it's all about you -your feelings, your desires, your passivity in the face of temptation, the whole sob story about how your cheating just happened to you, how you agreed to marry him, etc. It's not being a good wife to be with someone you're not in love with because for one thing it will make it much harder for you to resist inevitable temptation and based on your past -because past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior - you will succumb to the temptation with the same excuses. Unless you choose to go to counseling for example. ).

 

Yes, I did write this post mainly to vent about my feelings, my wants and my desires. You are completely correct, I needed to put it into words, so I did.

This does not mean I only think about myself. About a week ago I asked, as we sat down for dinner, how he felt about us. He claimed he has been pleasantly surprised at married life, and how much he loves our life and me. He sees no problems, because I make sure to make him feel loved and cared for. So I don't feel bad about making this post about my feelings, because that is what I'm asking advice on and because I know for a fact my husband's feelings are of happiness and he is still very much in love with his wife.

 

I'm glad you made the correct choice for you at the time and I'm sure it would have been a better idea if we had waited a bit longer too. But we didn't and now I'm ready to give it my all to make it work. As for the spark...it didn't go away on its own. It was my choices that did it, but I can honestly said it was there up until the moment I decided to cheat. It wasn't anything he did or didn't do and it wasn't something that slowly went away. It was like one day there it was and the next it wasn't. That is why I feel there is hope in this, that I may still feel guilty, that I might have unrealistic expectations, etc.

Congratulations on your happy marrige! I hope to get there someday soon.

PS: Also, in other answeres I have said that yes, we did indeed attend counseling and I will continue to do so.

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If you feel you can revive the spark figure out what you plan to do to revive it. It's wonderful that your husband feels happy. And he is also entitled to a wife who feels a spark with him. That's the foundation of romantic love, that's the glue that keeps the marriage together. I had no doubt your husband is in love with you - the problem is he is in love with someone where he is under the impression the feeling is mutual, right? And right now you're concerned that you're not in love with him. I never thought it was something he did to you that killed the spark.

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To answer your question in post #1, most people have asked that same question, OP. Being married isn't always a walk in the park. I think the other members have asked a lot of questions and you've answered them too.

 

Maybe you should explore the idea of marriage and what it ought to mean to you a bit more. You may have expectations that are unrealistic and aren't quite in tune with your current or present situation. That feeling of giddiness and over the moon happiness isn't there every single day when you're married. You become family members as you've probably noticed and you see parts about each other that are not always attractive.

 

I think you're having issues letting go of the dating phase and you're nurturing ideas about marriage that may not be realistic overall. I'd encourage you to speak with other friends or family members candidly and be with people around your own age, in similar phases of life. You seem isolated and forlorn, really lost at the moment. I don't mean this in a cruel way. I'm being very honest with you.

 

Center yourself and get in touch with others who are more like you. Part of gaining wisdom and growing older means learning to grow older and wiser given our set of circumstances and given any decision we've had to make or someone else has had to make for us. You'll never be able to change yourself or change your situation or grow forward if you cannot accept who you are or what you have become or where you are at in your life.

 

Accept your present situation first and then set out to change things if you're not happy.

 

 

Thank you so much. As hard as it is to recognize, I feel you're completely right: I do have unrealistic expectations. As you mentioned, my mind is stuck in the dating phase and I need to accept that things and people change (including myself). I truly thank you for your honesty and advice.

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Thank you so much. As hard as it is to recognize, I feel you're completely right: I do have unrealistic expectations. As you mentioned, my mind is stuck in the dating phase and I need to accept that things and people change (including myself). I truly thank you for your honesty and advice.

 

Yes, it's partly a head thing that and partly a heart thing -if you don't have a spark for this guy then convincing yourself that you're still stuck in the dating phase isn't going to change that nor is accepting that people change. Do you respect the fact that he took you back after you cheated on him? Do you respect and admire him? In your heart I mean.

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