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How to minimize harm when breaking up with somebody dependent on you?


MirrorKnight

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Update

 

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Jane has a few close friends, one of them is a strong independent woman who actually shares my views on many issues. I will try to make contact with her and try to enlist her help to handle Jane's problems at home, so that hopefully I do not have to continue to involve myself in Jane's affairs, to help her (and me) move on, and obviously to help her move out of my house.

 

NOOOOOO Stop treating Jane like a child. Do not contact ANY of her friends to "guide her". That is highly disrespectful to her. She existed before you - even owns a home, even if her boundaries with her family stink. She will survive after you. And its VERY wrong to be talking to her friends when she is not present about her as if she is your patient or ward

 

Break up if that is what you want -- and then be reasonable about a deadline for when she has to move out. That's it. She has a place to go. She has her house. If you decide to let her stay for 30 or 60 days to find a place to rent, or whether she moves back home in a matter of weeks per whatever tenant law is -- that's it.

 

Stop treating her as if she is severely mentally ill or 4 years old

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When you break up with someone you both become free agents. You are free agents of your own affairs and your own personal reaction to the situation.

 

You can't hold her hand through her breakup with you. You are no longer a team and you can't be the breakup unit. It's a solo sport, if you will. Let her decide he she needs to turn to for support. That's not your call.

 

You can be kind and compassionate, from a distance.

 

If anyone is that fragile you might be doing them a favor to find out how exactly resilient they are. We find our strength in these difficult moments. Don't deny her the opportunity to learn from this.

 

She's not that fragile. You'll both be stronger from having gone through it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update

 

I broke the news to Jane as soon as I got back. As I expected, she did not take it well. For the first two days she was mostly just very upset and hurt. Then although I have not wavered at all on taking back my decision (again), she seemed to drag herself out of despair... but into denial instead. She thinks that I am breaking up with her because I cannot handle the stresses of trying to advance my career and have a relationship with her at the same time. So she has resolved to wait for me, when I am more secure in myself, she thinks I might accept her again. Obviously I have not encouraged this line of thinking.

 

The one time she probably accepted that it was over was on Monday night, she was very emotional, very angry and hysterical. She packed her stuff and resolved to leave immediately, refusing to tell me where she would go because "you don't care anymore", whilst saying things like, "you've broken me", "you shouldn't have asked me out" repeatedly.

 

Now I guess the majority of you would say I should have just let her go at that point. But I couldn't, not in that state... Obviously I do want her to leave my house sooner or later, but I want her to go back to her family home (if things improved a little there) or stay with friends. She admitted that she had no plan that night, if I let her go, she probably would have just slept in her car. She was clearly not in the right state of mind to take care of herself, so I stopped her leaving and calmed her down for her safety.

 

I will leave the UK again tomorrow, since she is still living at my house, I cannot just no-contact her right away, but I will dial back my communication with her and stand firm on my position. I hope she will gradually accept the situation and move on. I do not intend to come back again until maybe 6 months from now.

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Now I guess the majority of you would say I should have just let her go at that point. But I couldn't, not in that state... Obviously I do want her to leave my house sooner or later, but I want her to go back to her family home (if things improved a little there) or stay with friends. She admitted that she had no plan that night, if I let her go, she probably would have just slept in her car. She was clearly not in the right state of mind to take care of herself, so I stopped her leaving and calmed her down for her safety.

 

I will leave the UK again tomorrow, since she is still living at my house, I cannot just no-contact her right away, but I will dial back my communication with her and stand firm on my position. I hope she will gradually accept the situation and move on. I do not intend to come back again until maybe 6 months from now.

 

When are you coming back?

Honestly, i would have given her a deadline of when to move.

And i would come back sooner than 6 months or hire a property manager to accept a key from her.

I was under the impression that you were staying in the UK for longer - not just a weekend.

 

She was clearly not in the right state of mind to take care of herself, so I stopped her leaving and calmed her down for her safety.

 

I would have said "i am going to sleep at my friends/i have a room booked for the night" and left her there for the night by herself.

Of course its okay that she is sad and in shock. But if you did stay, don't make it sound like she is unhinged. She was just very surprised and upset.

ANd that's okay

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You can't fix her. Staying won't fix her. Nothing you say, do, or try to will into reality will fix what is broken within her.

 

One of the hardest things to do in life is to make a decision that we know will bring us happiness in the long run when we know we are letting the people in our lives down, or causing them hurt or disappointment. As someone that seems to be sensitive and have a big capacity for empathy, of course this is going to be very hard for you.

 

At the end of the day you have to take a step back and look at the big picture. Jane may have become codependent with you very quickly, however she did manage to survive for 30+ years before she met you, and will survive after you move on... this in fact may be just the catalyst she needs to break away from her circumstances and find more independence.

 

Please don't enable her anymore... it isn't doing either of you any favors. It holds her back and teaches her that she isn't capable or worthy of making her own decisions, and it puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on you to be the one that fixes everything which just isn't sustainable.

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Good job with breaking it to her and being honest. It'll be a test of her own character how she responds to this in the coming weeks. The only real thing you could do wrong at this point is continue as a couple and delude yourselves into thinking things are ok and not sticking to breaking up. Safe travels.

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Good move making the very, very hard move.

 

Chiming in with the others, you now have to let her process this however she chooses to. A night in a car? Not fun, but not the worst, if it came to that. I, for instance, am a highly capable dude and among the most level-headed people you'll meet. But historically my initial response to heartbreak has not been a portrait of grace. I've slacked off on work, woken up in weird places, drank too much for a few days, dabbled in anorexia, taken up lovely habits like smoking, and put on some pretty Oscar-worthy performances as the Saddest Man on Earth.

 

But also? I lived, I survived, I recovered, I rebuilt. She will live, survive, recover, and rebuild in some form or another. She may have to circle a few drains, as humans do though lives, and she make not make choices you like. But she may very well find the moxie that she's been needing. It's in her, as it's in us all. Remember that, respect it, and in silence offer her wishes that she is cultivating it and finding her way, as you cultivate yourself and find yours.

 

Best of luck to you, to both of you.

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Update

 

Now I guess the majority of you would say I should have just let her go at that point. But I couldn't, not in that state... Obviously I do want her to leave my house sooner or later, but I want her to go back to her family home (if things improved a little there) or stay with friends. She admitted that she had no plan that night, if I let her go, she probably would have just slept in her car. She was clearly not in the right state of mind to take care of herself, so I stopped her leaving and calmed her down for her safety.

 

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First things first, congrats on biting the bullet and ending something youve realizes wasn’t healthy.

 

Second, you really gotta get out of your own way.

 

You recognize the dysfunctionality of all this but do it anyway and use the tired excuse of ‘caring’ so I don’t think you’re fully comprehending how big of a role you’re playing here.

 

To break up with her and then expect to keep tabs and have her stay where you deem is acceptable is just all kinds of unhealthy. You aren’t her dad...

 

You treated this breakup like a long drawn out event that if I’m understanding correctly lasted days... and then, the real kicker, ended with the strings still fully attached.

 

I don’t care if you’re the reincarnation of mother Theresa, you have no right to dictate how this breakup affects her, you are still fully in the role of caretaker.

 

Cut the strings.

 

Cold turkey, no tabs, no staying under your roof. I think you’re going to find fully letting go quite hard actually, you have had parental like control over her and like a vampire you’ve been feeding off her need to be taken care of.

 

Time to look within. You seem capable, so I’m sure you will but first things first, enough with the excuses, there is no excusing keeping her around like a toy, it’s cruel, you’ve broken up, that’s it, wash your hands.

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