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Are all the long term relationships doomed to sexually die?


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Hi,

 

I`m going through a really hard phase in my relationship of about 3 years. Or actually, I have been in two 3-4 year long relationships before this one, making this my 3rd long term relationship where I have moved in together with someone and shared my whole life with. This hard phase though is something i`m drastically familiar with, and I can`t even really call it a phase anymore. It`s something else, it`s like an universal rule in my life it seems. It seems to be that for many others too, from what I read and hear from time to time. So what is this, and does it really have to be this way every time?

 

At first all of the relationships have been like fire for the first year, making me sexually very happy. Then the women I`ve lived with at that point in all the cases have just slowly started shutting down in their sex drive, while there has been no changes in mine, resulting in unbalance. I have been wanting about 1000 times more sex on daily basis than they around 2 years in the relationship, facing constant rejections which have started to slowly shatter everything.

 

Since it happened the first time, I thought I tried everything I know to make things better. Nothing helped though, and this was the sole reason I ended the relationship after suffering for about 2 years in sexually too limited relationship. I did some mistakes in the way also, and tried to learn from them. However I never realized what I should had done differently.

 

In my second long term relationship the big picture was quite similar, however this time I got my ass dumped after everything had broken down the same way. Lack of her sexual desire started to be a problem after about 1,5 years and since that it was one major downfall. I had tried to learn from my past mistakes though, and gave my all this time. I tried to communicate with her, I tried to reason, I tried to figure out the solutions. She didn`t communicate back, the passion she had for me just faded away killing me inside. She seemed like a loving person to me at the same time she didn`t want sex during 1,5-3 years. I blamed her, because I had told her many times before we moved in together that I`m not looking for a relationship where sex drive decreases, as I know it would not make me happy. She was sure at that point that it would last. It didn`t. I wanted her till the very end just the same way I did when we had just met, but her desire faded away.

 

After the break up I got really depressed, and started to live a life of unhealthy ways, being sad every day. Nothing really mattered to me anymore for the longest time. I started dating many women at the same time, without being in a relationship with anyone. At some point I had different date for every night of the week. I tried to kill my loneliness and depression for random sex. (Cheers tinder..) I swore to myself I would never start a relationship again during this time.

 

Then the unexpected happened. I met someone who penetrated all of my defences. I just fell in love instantly, I felt like she was my soulmate. This was something I had never felt earlier in my life. She seemed to feel the same way too. Just thinking about her made me forget everything that made me sad in my earlier life. It started to feel great that the 2nd relationship had actually ended, because I had met her. Before moving in with her, I really made her think about my sexual needs. I was so scared to start a life again with someone, because I didn`t trust that I could be happy in a long term relationship. I discussed it with her thoroughly, I told her my history, and asked to think about this in long run. She believed that her sex-drive would never decrease. I decided that this time, I would try not to make any mistakes. I wanted her to have everything she needs, I really gave my all just to make her happy. I did this every day up to this point. I wanted her never to be unhappy about anything, this was my goal to appreciate having her in my life. I felt like maybe this was why I had failed in my previous relationships, as I had ultimately blamed myself for losing the spark in them.

How come.. it didn`t go the way it was supposed to. Things developed just the same way as in my previous relationships. Somewhere during 1-2 years we started having the first fights because she kept on rejecting me. She tried though, I could sense that, and I tried to be good for her just the same way I had decided.

The downfall had been written in the stars though, as she just didn`t want sex as much as she did initially. It kept on going, and now around 3 years into our relationship it`s even worse and it was an year ago. Everytime I try to talk with her, it just ends to her saying "I don`t know why". She doesn`t know why. She never does, no matter from what angle I try to approach the subject. This issue has spread on all the places of our relationship. Yet she claims she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, like this all would not matter to her.

 

Yesterday we had a big fight about this subject, and now as I`m writing this I feel unwanted, alone, sexually deprived, worthless and depressed. I have put everything I have on the line, literally everything and still my soulmate has been constantly losing her interest in sex.

 

I have read a lot about this subject, and I know I`m not alone. I have also talked with some people face to face who share the situation, but it seems that everyone has just the same lowly solution: Cheat. All the people who I have talked with, who have been with their partners for years, just occasionally cheat their way out of that loneliness keeping themselves sane, because they accept the fact that the sex-drive of their partner has been lowered for good and there is nothing to do about it, as they can still seemingly love their partners while doing it. It just makes me angry, if this is the world we live in. I have never cheated my partner, even though I have been cheated on back in days (No, I don`t see dating many people at the same time cheating if you make it clear for them that you are not looking for a relationship as I did). It just makes you low af. Kind of sad people see that as a solution. To admit that it`s just human after you accept such a thing, is even sadder. I can see that for people who accept such a thing, it might be an answer to those feelings that are left unsatisfied in their lives.

 

 

I don`t know if this thread helps me or not. I quess this is my attempt to reach out if someone else is going through the same, or if someone has lost their desire towards their partner and has insight. I just feel so damn alone here.

 

Why would you be in a relationship where you don`t crave your partner sexually? Where is the happiness in that kind of relationship? Why let the spark die with someone you had the greatest spark ever with, whats the point? Am I just living in a fantasy world, trying to carve a relationship of sexual heaven?

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Moving in together is often a sex and relationship killer, especially in your case. Playing house becomes drudgery and resentment. It's not the convenient access to sex that you hope it will be and it's not the prelude to commitment your gf's hoped so of course resentment builds and passion dies.

 

Next time keep the passion alive longer and don't strive to play house. Also be honest with your intentions. Don't get lazy or just hang around expecting her to be your housewife. You need to keep dating, going out, and keep the romance alive. Stay in shape and stay well groomed. It's not the time to hang out farting in sweats with razor stubble playing video games and expecting her to jump you with passion after you yell out 'hey get me another beer"..

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I think there's a big difference between losing the spark and how often the couple has sex -meaning the spark can be very much there and sex decreases because the couple realizes because of changing life circumstances that now they have to plan it more rather than the previous spontaneity. If both people show that they want each other still and want to put in the effort to plan then if the plans fall through (I'm thinking about external reasons like a child who is sick and will be up at night, an unexpected late night at work, etc) it's not something that affects the core of the relationship -you know you still want each other and both are committed to making it happen ASAP.

So in your case is there a compromise -like you want it 4 times a week, she'd like it once, so you do it twice? She's going to want it even less if you pressure her. Also it's her responsibility if she wants this relationship to figure out the root cause. Also to figure out if even if she's not in the mood, she can get in the mood if you two start getting romantic. I know that's true for me -after a long day of real life if he can't till the evening (I'm a morning person!) I am so exhausted and need "me time" but I will choose to be intimate anyway and I also feel very comfortable that if I change my mind it's all fine -no hard feelings (I actually never have changed my mind for that reason that I can remember -but knowing he's cool with that is reassuring and lets me focus on just being with him).

 

If the reason is "no more spark, it died, can't revive it' then yes I believe it's time to move on or time to redouble the efforts to revive the spark.

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If you're a person who likes sex once or twice a day, a very high sex drive, then you're going to have a hard time finding a woman to match that throughout a lifetime. It could be that your partners were willing to do this for you at the beginning, but when the newness of the relationship faded, they tired of what they would be happier doing once or twice a week.

 

Besides sex, what else brings you joy? Time spent with guy friends? Hobbies? Playing a sport? Working out at a gym? If you're lacking in these things, maybe you focus too much on sex and your woman. If how much you're wanting sex is unreasonable for the average woman, you will be the one who will need to change and spend time on other activities to distract your mind from focusing on sex so much.

 

If this is a pattern in your life, perhaps you should consider seeking therapy to see if you have something like: Hypersexual disorder, a pattern of behavior involving intense preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges and activities, leading to adverse consequences and clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important functions.

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Can I ask, what are you ultimately looking for in a relationship long-term? Is it just to live together or is it also things like marriage and kids? It's just that I actually think you have an unrealistic view of sex and hence why it seems to you that there are sexual issues in every relationship you have.

 

In most relationships the sex is fairly passionate for the first few months or about a year probably because that's what you call the "honeymoon phase". There is a lot of lust and butterflies at the start and it's the excitement of being with a new person. I have found the same thing in my relationships too. The sex doesn't have to completely die off but I think it definitely becomes not as frequent and maybe not as "exciting", since it's not a new person.

 

Also if you live with that person, I think your relationship becomes largely about your activities together and everyday domestic things. Of course sex still needs to be part of the relationship but you just have to understand and accept that it's not going to be as frequent or as lustful as at the beginning of a relationship.

 

If you do want kids in future (totally fine if not), then sex will become sporadic due to having to take care of the children and having no privacy. I'm sure you know too that women have a menstrual cycle and sometimes they might have PMS and things like that which might make them not feel up for sex. I honestly think the only way you could keep up that level and frequency of sex is if you were with someone with a VERY high sex drive.

 

The thing is you say the "lack of sex" was your only reason to end one of your relationships but you had the same problem in the following two relationships as well. I think you will keep running into the same issue with other women too. If you feel like your sexual needs are not being met then you could try being polyamorous where you're allowed to sleep with other women. But that would mean your partner could see other men too.

 

Also keep in mind that while women off Tinder may seem like they're really keen for sex anytime, that's because they're on Tinder at that moment in time and they're looking for sex. Their level of effort and desire for sex is pretty high. Then if said women were to get into relationships with you, likely you would experience a decline in sex with all of them too. It's just reality.

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Are you still affectionate and respectful towards her away from the bedroom? Are you still making an effort to turn her on or has it (in her eyes, maybe) become all about you? If a man has been treating their partner like they couldn't care less about her then expects her to want sex, well, that ain't gonna happen. Similarly, if the guy wants his partner to do everything to him in bed but doesn't even touch her, let alone fully reciprocate, it's no wonder she's going to be reluctant to get intimate. (The same would apply the other way around, of course.)

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I'm a bit surprised at your attitude, OP. I think you're still very sad and upset about the break ups. I'm surprised also in a way that all three relationships ended due to the same reason. The constant warnings to the second and especially third partner were a little inappropriate. I don't think you needed to go to those lengths to try and get your partners to promise you that their sex drive will never "die". I agree with the other members in a lot of the ideas you can try going forward especially therapy and the way you might approach new relationships in the future.

 

It seems none of these relationships either led to any commitment - marriage or some other added responsibility. Did you just move in and start camping out at someone else's house? It may be just me but that seems highly unattractive and a break up might have also meant failed expectations in many other areas (not just sex for you).

 

You hadn't mentioned your financial security either or how things are going for you in terms of availability or life schedules. Financial issues will also kill relationships fairly quickly.

 

Either way, speak with a therapist or someone who can guide you through your thoughts.

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At first all of the relationships have been like fire for the first year, making me sexually very happy. Then the women I`ve lived with at that point in all the cases have just slowly started shutting down in their sex drive, while there has been no changes in mine, resulting in unbalance.
Did you slowly start to slow down on your seduction techniques as well? Maybe there has been no changes in your sex drive but there have been in your approach???? You can't sit there in front of the TV all night practically ignoring one another and then expect her to be aroused just because you're wanting it.

 

One thing I will suggest is that you stop moving in with someone when you are still in the honeymoon period. Wait until that lust and infatuation has simmered down some and then see if you both are as compatible in your LOVE to keep the passion going. Which means you can't dump your own romance/seduction and expect the same results as you did when the lust and infatuation was at its peak.

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I have been wanting about 1000 times more sex on daily basis than they around 2 years in the relationship . . .

 

Do you literally mean daily sex? If so, your expectations are not even close to realistic. That is simply not sustainable years into a relationship.

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I think people have hit the nail on the head by suggesting you wait longer to move in together so that it stays exciting for longer.

 

I think you will find that the average woman’s sex drive does decrease somewhat over time but I am wondering just how much in your case? Like did they go from every day to twice a week or was it less than once a month?

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Thank you all for your answers, I`m glad you took time to give them.

 

Wiseman: I do atleast 50% of our household chores. I treat her well, and our relationship is well balanced other than sex. I`m actually the one who gets up from sofa to get her something to drink most often. I`m also doing my best to consider her moods.

 

Batya: I have made a compromise concerning sex; I wanted to have sex every day, but I have accepted the fact that it is not possible for her so I don`t expect it. Every 2nd day is my expectation.

 

Andrina: I have come across that fear during these years; I can`t find a woman with the same sex drive as myself, atleast not in the long run. I`m willing to compromise, but not give up on the feeling that I`m actually sexually wanted in my relationship. I don`t think I need therapy, since I think enjoying sex on my level is not unhealthy, even though it might be more than most people fancy. I`m also willing to compromise to every 2nd day and not even talk about sex every 2nd day. I believe that`s not unreasonable. What you wrote about me spending to much time focusing on my woman is spot on. I have thought about this often. I`m a very antisocial person (even though I work with people a lot in my job), but on my spare time I have no friends. I go to gym, walks, pubs, etc, but other than that I`m mostly around home.

 

Tinydance: I look for a best friend, humour, romance, sex, comfort, trust and someone to share my life with in a relationship. I`m actually not into having kids, and this is also something I have told everyone I have lived with before moving in. So far this has not caused any issues in any of my relationships, actually the women I´ve been with have shared the opinion which is actually quite surprising when you think about it, but this is completely another topic in fact. I have considered suggesting an polyamororous relationship to my partner, but haven`t actually done it. It would sure be intriguing, but every time I think about this I find it uncomfortable because I really really love her. I don`t want to have sex with other women, and certainly don`t want her doing it with other men. It would just feel wrong. However, this life-long issue of mine also feels wrong which is why this is an intriguing option at least but not reality or something I would do at this moment..

 

Poorlittlefish: Yes! I have done everything I humanly can to make sex fun for her. I take care of her needs every single time we have sex, no matter how long it takes. She gets off most of the times, and is not afraid to tell me when if she can`t get off that specific time. I`d say around 85% of times she gets off also just like me. I also try to ask her often if she would want anything special, and that I`m willing to do basically anything she wants. I`m really serious about what I told about trying my best with her, and yes I treat her with respect. I never want her to think that I would not consider her needs in any areas of our life, including sex.

 

Rose Mosse: The reason I gave my partners "warnings" before moving in with me, is that I wanted to be straight forward and honest about my concerns. If they had known themselves a bit better, they could had been able to think twice before making the decision. I didn`t actually want it to be a warning, I just wanted to be sure I`m making a big decision with a right person since sex means a lot to me. If they had told me that they are not that sure, I would had waited before moving in to see. I believe an honest communication is essential in good relationships. I really don`t understand your point of view here, since I`d rather hear my partners expectations just the same way before moving in. I have also made compromises in my sex needs. I don`t expect to have sex every day because it clearly is not what my partner wants, every 2nd on normal basis is my expectation because of this. Actually in my first long term relationship I moved in my partners apartment, because I was still a student back in days and lived in a student apartment. In my 2nd relationship I basically provided everything for my partner, since I had a good paying job and she didn´t. In this relationship I`m in now, I still have the same job but my partner also has a job, so I really don`t need to provide her.

 

Thatwasthen: This is certainly something to think more of. I hope my seduction techniques are still the same, but this is hard to mirror in my head. I will give this more thought. Also yes if this relationship should fail I will definitely wait until the 1,5 years mark before moving in with someone.. If I would ever do it again. Right now I believe I won`t waste my time in relationships ever again if this one fails. I`m ready to do what ever it takes to hold on to her. She is an amazing woman, and I just want to stay with her.

 

Waffle: Yes, that`s what I would desire. However I have made a compromise of every 2nd day, because every day is cleary too much for my partner. Actually if I could have it exactly the way I desire, I would have sex atleast once in a day, sometimes even more. I believe once in a day could be sustainable if us both would want it.

 

maew: Yeah, definitely should not had moved in with these women sooner than 1,5 years into the relationship because that has been the point where I have had issues in every relationship.. I think my current partner wants sex once in a week, atleast thats the way I perceive it. I take care of my own needs with myself also ofc, but it`s just not the same and doesn`t give me fulfillment.. If I`m without intimacy with her for 4 days I begin to be really torn apart by my desires towards her.

 

 

 

What surprised me a bit, is that most of you thought that it`s just inevitable and should clearly be accepted, that the sex drive of a woman decreases in a long term relationship to this extent I`m experiencing and I`m the one needing therapy for expecting something else. I mean, don`t women enjoy sex even though I would be willing to do anything in bed to make them have fun? Am I really this lost here..?

 

Why would anyone want to commit into such a relationship, that is doomed to leave you just wanting and wanting and wanting because you still crave her after all the years, while she has just stopped because that is supposed to be normal? :( If I would believe this will be the case in every relationship I go through in life, I would stop them for good right now. I love my woman deeply, and I just want back the same version of her who was as crazy for me as I`m still for her. I remember that woman crystal clear, and it`s just so different not that it`s breaking me apart..

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Enjoy dating, I think. You sound a bit young if you've just finished college a few years ago. Enjoy your youth. My only parting words would be to focus on the bigger picture and emphasize more connection (emotional and spiritual) with your partner. I'd also caution the over-emphasis on sex. It can get very repetitive and stale/boring over time. Keep it real, keep it big picture and have your heart in the right place.

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Enjoy dating, I think. You sound a bit young if you've just finished college a few years ago. Enjoy your youth. My only parting words would be to focus on the bigger picture and emphasize more connection (emotional and spiritual) with your partner. I'd also caution the over-emphasis on sex. It can get very repetitive and stale/boring over time. Keep it real, keep it big picture and have your heart in the right place.

 

I didn`t finish college a few years ago.. As I said I lived in student apartment during my first long relationship, and all 3 have been 3-4 years and there has also been time between them.. I`m not young anymore. You are right about emphasizing in connection also, we have a good connection in my opinion other than this issue. It`s very sad if my partner sees our sex boring / stale, I hope that`s not the case since she could have it any way she wishes and she knows it. Thanks for your time, keeping it real.

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Hey Eero,

 

I'm glad you took the time out to reply to each poster, it helped to round out your position.

 

To be honest, if you want to find a fufilling, long-term relationship, you may want to reconsider attending some therapy. Not because your sex-drive is 'bad' or 'wrong', but because it causes the eventual break-down of all your relationships. The real issue is not the frequency of sex, its the fact that not having sex any time you want it causes you anxiety. You feel rejected, unwanted, undesired. It's also concerning that you identify your desire for sex as a 'craving', which builds and builds the longer you go without it. It consumes you to a point where you cannot continue maintaining a connection with your partners, who you love, without it.

 

Trust me, I do relate. I have a higher sex-drive than my partner. We have had our discussions about it. In the end, her not wanting to have sex on any given occasion is rarely about me. I have learnt that just because I want sex, doesn't mean I need it. I do not get depressed, or anxious, or resentful. The majority of times, I just do something else with her - watch a movie, hang out. And I thoroughly enjoy it, more than I would sex, because she is enjoying it and wants to do that with me. Of course, if I am really horny, I take care of things myself when I can. As a result, our sex life is very satisfying, and in fact my ability to handle this has actually made her more comfortable and led to her being more interested in sex. When we do have sex, it's great.

 

I guess what I am saying is, you have to decide if this is really the hill to die on. Are you so sure that your are truly healthy and comfortable with your feelings around sex and relationships and that if you cannot find someone who feels the same, you are better off having only short term relationships. Or do you want to be proactive, do some self-reflection, and see if you can make it just a bit easier on yourself.

 

Best of luck,

 

T

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Just as when people are considering divorce, if nothing major like cheating or physical abuse has happened, I always recommend marital counseling before throwing in the towel, I will give similar advice to you, except that you try individual therapy before ending it with a woman you care about.

 

A professional who specializes in sex therapy will be able to give you insight on why you feel the way you feel. It could be just that you have a very high libido, or it could be that you have a psychological issues that should be delved into. Here are some statistics I found:

 

The survey's results reveal that just 4 percent of respondents said they were having sex each and every day. And when it comes to the remaining 96 percent of Americans, 14 percent of respondents said they hit the sheets a few times a week—and another 14 percent clocked in at a few times each month.

 

It's hard enough for any guy to find a woman who matches him in all the major ways, but to also find one of the 4 percent, in one's local area, who would want sex daily would seem to be an insurmountable task.

 

Instead of asking a woman to meet your needs of every other day, which isn't working out for you, look to therapy as a way to either rule out that it's your problem, or to confirm that maybe therapy will benefit you. Here is an excerpt from an article you might find helpful:

Some indications that you may be struggling with compulsive sexual behavior include:

 

You have recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, urges and behaviors that take up a lot of your time and feel as if they're beyond your control.

 

You feel driven to do certain sexual behaviors, feel a release of the tension afterward, but also feel guilt or remorse.

 

You've tried unsuccessfully to reduce or control your sexual fantasies, urges or behavior.

You use compulsive sexual behavior as an escape from other problems, such as loneliness, depression, anxiety or stress.

 

You continue to engage in sexual behaviors that have serious consequences, such as the potential for getting or giving someone else a sexually transmitted infection, the loss of important relationships, trouble at work, financial strain, or legal problems.

 

You have trouble establishing and maintaining healthy and stable relationships.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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^^^^ Good post, Andrina! Hopefully the Op will start to look at himself as well rather than just his sex partner(s).

 

Thatwasthen: This is certainly something to think more of. I hope my seduction techniques are still the same, but this is hard to mirror in my head. I will give this more thought. Also yes if this relationship should fail I will definitely wait until the 1,5 years mark before moving in with someone.. If I would ever do it again. Right now I believe I won`t waste my time in relationships ever again if this one fails. I`m ready to do what ever it takes to hold on to her. She is an amazing woman, and I just want to stay with her.
Then you both would benefit (as Andrina has suggested) to get yourselves into sex therapy so that you can reach a happy and healthy compromise.

 

Do you masturbate? If you don't then perhaps trying that may help you to navigate 'dry' days when your partner isn't vexed to get bizzy. (??)

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Interesting thread.

 

Before getting to you I'll start with a somewhat different answer to your main question. In short: no, I don't believe sexual "death" is the inevitable plateau of a longterm relationship. Part of that is pure faith, as I've never been in a relationship longer than 3 years. (I'm about to turn 40, for reference.) But in those relationships? With the exception of my first serious relationship, when I was the one who pulled away sexually, I've never found there to be a lag, in either the quality of the heat or the frequency in cultivating it. If anything, it just gets better in year two and three.

 

In one case, yeah, that's because we built lots of heat through some unhealthy swordplay that was our eventual unraveling, but in another because we were just connecting, all the time, on all sorts of planes: emotional, intellectual, spiritual. Our sex life—very fertile and in line with your hopes—was kind of an extension of those other connections. Though that relationship ended—another story—it was a real awakening to a certain state of being, both within myself and alongside another.

 

I've also known a number of very frisky married couples over the years, ranging from a friend's parents that I met in my 20s who were goofily, impressionably vocal about their undiminished carnality, to a married couple I know who vowed, before getting married, to have sex every day or most days. I think they've been together a decade, and remain rabbit-like. A kid or two. I'm not really close with them, but have always admired their energy, earmarked it as a version of something I'd like for myself. Probably not without all the vows—I'm not turned on by rules and systems—but a general spirit, a window into what is possible, a guidepost in my journey.

 

On to you:

 

What I can't help but hear coming from you is a somewhat limited idea of what fuels a romantic connection—namely, that sex is really the only coal that fires the engine. You're not a caveman, I know. You're using all the language of being woke, and I have no doubt you're a good dude with all the right intentions and genuine desires, seeking laughter, respect, trust, enriching companionship, and so on. Still, I'm not sure you're really valuing all that on the same level as you value sex, when it comes to connecting with women, building a connection with a woman, which are really just extensions of how richly you connect with yourself.

 

When Rose says "you sound a bit young," which is a thought that crossed my mind, it might be that that's coming through: a bit of the sex-centric approach that's pretty common in one's teens and early 20s, and stereotypically "male" according to the laws of society, but eventually starts to show its limitations in time. Ironically, those limitations often reveal themselves by relationships that grow sexually stale. Many people stay in those relationships, calling it "adulthood." Others skip about from hot plate to hot plate, and are called "juvenile" by the sexless adults. I don't subscribe to either of those as being the only paths.

 

Speaking for myself with the hopes of helping you think about yourself, I found that I kind of stopped caring about sex as I got into my 30s. This was liberating. By which I don't mean I could take it or leave it—hardly. I like it, need it, do it a lot. But it's maybe a bit more like booze? I've never been a heavy drinker, but I've always enjoyed drinking. Yet holding a six pack of beer made me feel like a god when I was 18, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to find six packs. Walking into a bar and ordering a whiskey felt so thrillingly illicit in my 20s that it didn't matter if the bar smelled like urine and served burgers that tasted like dirt.

 

I still like beer and whiskey, and my intake probably hasn't changed much in time, but as a grown up who has legal access to all that they are just one part of living rather than something to live for, if that makes sense. Curious side effect of that mentality? I enjoy beer and whiskey more today than I did when I was younger.

 

Sex is similar. It's a thing adults do, a thing that I, as an adult, do. It's fun and interesting. But, like booze, not so fun or interesting in a vacuum. I'd never date, let alone get serious, with someone I wasn't ravenous about—but neither would I date or get serious with someone simply because they made me ravenous. That wasn't the case when I was younger, still coming into myself and leaning (too) heavily on others as guides.

 

But, alas, those limitations—they're like the universe tapping you on the shoulder and demanding you come into yourself a bit more. Today I need more to be turned on, in both the carnal and cosmic sense, just like when I go grocery shopping I need more than a good bottle of wine to be excited about the evening ahead. I need some salmon, a bushel of kale, a bar of dark chocolate, maybe a fancy candle if they're by the register—and each of those things informs and heightens the taste and smell of the other, along with the wine.

 

Maybe I'm being too abstract. But, like Rose said, if you can learn to focus also on the emotional and spiritual connections (the salmon and the kale) you may find that the sexual connection (the wine) isn't so dominant, and flows more freely because it's not so dominant. Getting to that place requires a bit of self-work and discipline, which in ways are harder, if more rewarding, things to do than learning to compromise and calling that being a grownup.

 

I think I came into myself intellectually in my late teens and early 20s—got that piston firing. Sexually I kind of "found myself" in my late 20s—another piston. The emotional and spiritual work came a bit later—and therapy helped with this, so I would consider it—which added another, neglected piston to get the engine humming. With all those firing—and, of course, always being maintained by the mechanic of my head and heart—my romantic connections evolved. Not because I learned to "give up" sex, but because I learned how it was connected to the full spectrum.

 

Sure, in any relationships there are ebbs and flows—not only in sex, but also in how you're connecting intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. But when all of that is genuinely valued equally you're less thrown when one piston sputters for a bit because the others provide momentum. And that momentum, rather than arduous mental gymnastics of the sort you're doing, generally restores balance and full function to the whole engine.

 

Anyhow, hope that helps. I like the way you think. Can't help but think you'd find therapy a blast.

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Waywardkiwi: What you wrote is true, sex causes breakdowns of my relationships, and the craving grows and piles up to cause disturbance in other areas of my relationships as well. I have actually tried, I mean really tried, to find peace with having less sex during this relationship because there is so much good in us other than sex, but I have failed many times. I have just become grumpy and bitter during those attempts, failing to truly find the peace. Maybe it has been because that my objective during those attempts has not been what I truly want, and forcing myself to want something else just didn`t work out.

 

Andrina: Thank you. I`m not about the throw in the towel, I don`t know if my original post sounded like that. In the survey you referred to, it would be nice to know the target group of people interviewed. (Their age, whether they were in a relationship or not etc). However maybe those numbers wouldn`t change much anyways.

 

I`m getting so much recommendations on this topic to try therapy, that I`m starting to consider trying it out. That of course would require me perceiving this whole thing as an issue of mine instead my partner, or maybe it would just be nice to discuss these things with someone face to face.

 

I have been trying to look into the mirror along my life because of this issue. I have been trying to grow to a man who meets the needs of his woman, before anything else, in order to even have expectations. If I couldn`t succeed in that, I would have no rights to expect anything. I`m trying to be the exact opposite of selfish, every day. The issue is that I have done anything humanly possible; I buy gifts, I take her to dates, I do household chores a lot, I organize surprises.. the list goes on, I try to make her life easier every single step I can while avoiding the "doormat" zone.

 

 

Thatwasthen: As I answered to Andrina above, I`m trying my best to think what I could do differently. I have for years. It just seems that I can`t reach the point where I want to be in my sexual life, not even close, no matter how much I think about my partner. I don`t want to accept the fact that my sexual life would never be what I wish it to be. It would end me being a bitter old man some day. I want to be happy about my life. I`m considering therapy because I have been advised to do so in this thread. At the moment I see no reason for it, but I trust you guys enough to consider it for a test just because of your recommendation. About going to a couples sex therapy.. Still have to think about it, I don`t know if she would be comfortable with it and maybe going by myself would be better, if I choose to go.

 

I do masturbate, on average 2-3 times a day. Sometimes 1 if my day is very busy. Even though I would do it 3 times a day, I still get super excited if I can have sex with my woman in the evening because doing it with myself just doesn`t give me the same fulfillment, and I continuously desire her. If I would not masturbate atleast once a day, I would not be able to sleep well. It`s quite funny, sometimes if I have been so busy that I forgot about it completely and try to sleep, I get this strong feeling of something missing and really can`t sleep without getting off first, then I do and instantly fall to sleep afterwards.

 

 

bluecastle: Thank you for taking time to write your reply. I wasn´t actually describing our romantic connection in the thread, because I can`t find any real issues in it besides maybe that sometimes it feels like she doesn`t watch me directly in my eyes as long as she used to, and our kisses feel shorter.

 

I value every aspect of our relationship, and there is way more than sex. Sex is just the issue here. I know that a relationship without deeper connection would not be able to sustain good sex for years. Of course it is also possible that the decreased sex drive is an issue caused by another issue I`m not aware of. That is one of the things that I`m seeking to know.

 

About my age, I`m 32. You wrote: "When Rose says "you sound a bit young," which is a thought that crossed my mind, it might be that that's coming through: a bit of the sex-centric approach that's pretty common in one's teens and early 20s, and stereotypically "male" according to the laws of society, but eventually starts to show its limitations in time. Ironically, those limitations often reveal themselves by relationships that grow sexually stale."

Sex is very important in my life, and actually I think I just have grown to want more sex than what I wanted in my 20s. I don`t see why I should develop other way around, since in my opinion I can keep up the same rate till the very end of me. My approach to this issue is sex-centric because I don`t know any other ways of approaching it.

 

I appreciate your abstract thinking.

 

 

--------

 

I have been trying to give her some space for the past days. Nothing has really changed so far, nor gone worse.

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It's all about you. No wonder they lose interest. You're using them like a medication.

I get this strong feeling of something missing and really can`t sleep without getting off first, then I do and instantly fall to sleep afterwards.

 

I don`t see why I should develop other way around, since in my opinion I can keep up the same rate till the very end of me. My approach to this issue is sex-centric because I don`t know any other ways of approaching it.

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Was going to say the same thing as Wise.

 

That's not saying you're some kind of monster, just that you're not quite seeing women as people. And, no, I'm not saying that you see them as "objects." Perhaps "vessels" is a better word—a vessel for you to fulfill your needs, both sexual needs and the need to feel like a good man.

 

The way you descried various steps you're taking, for instance. The gifts, the chores, the dates, the organizational voodoo, the doing "everything humanly possible" to "be the exact opposite of selfish"—well, if somewhere in all that the goal is lots of sex, or a nobler sense of self, than all that is selfish. It's transactional, not emotional. It's like giving a million dollars to charity not because you care about starving children, but because you want to see your name etched in marble. In that dynamic, yes, those children get food, which is good. Still, the guy who wrote the check is an a$$.

 

I'm not saying you're an a$$. At all. I'm saying connecting with people is different. You're working through something, reckoning with something, and it sounds tough. That work is laudable. It's also just beginning. When the reward isn't connected to sex—either getting it more or wanting it less—you'll have turned a corner. You will have become just a bit smaller so you can see people from more angles: as their own unique vessel, rather than a vessel for your unique urges. And they may find you sexier for it.

 

Your response to me was interesting. I tried, best I could, to offer a non-binary view, a big picture view of romance as something that includes sex without being built around sex. Your response was to get binary again: romantic connection is good, sexual connection is bad. That's a narrow scope. It's like me telling you that my diet is good because I eat a salad twice a week, while the "issue" is the 12 hamburgers. If my arteries are clogged and my gut is expanding, something is wrong with my diet, salads be damned.

 

I think just about everyone on the planet, who has the means, should give therapy a go. People get yearly physicals when they are basically 100 percent healthy. It's maintenance. It's not only about tumors and broken bones. And sometimes those physicals let you see the thing that may have become a tumor, or broken bone, before it gets out of hand.

 

In other words, going to therapy does not have to mean taking on the shame-inducing self-conception of you as "sick." It is just you getting to know yourself better, so you can connect better: to yourself and others. When we become less mysterious to ourselves we become less obsessed with ourselves, our tics. The "I" becomes a "we," in a way that is more organic than a check-list of actions to shed the cocoon of selfish thinking in favor of selfishness.

 

Sex is very important to me too, my friend. I do it a lot, always have. I turn 40 in two weeks and nothing has changed in that department since I was 20. It's just not the thing in the bullseye, but one of many things. That's kind of where I'm trying to nudge you a bit, to make other things genuinely part of the bullseye. That may be a touch more challenging for you than for others, since your urges do sound pretty potent. Still, I believe it's doable. I believe the best part of maturing is not learning to remove things from the bullseye but to learn that more things can fit inside it, if that makes any sense.

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It's all about you. No wonder they lose interest. You're using them like a medication.

 

Man, I have absolutely no idea what makes you say that.

 

Thatwasthen asked if I masturbate, and the section you quoted was an answer to that question. It was a fun fact about how much I need sex, nothing more. It had absolutely nothing to do with my partner.

 

Honestly that was a bit shocking. I love her, she is not a medication for me of any sort.

 

If you believe you know what this is all about, please tell me why they lose interest in me?

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Just curious, your problem is purely quantity of sex, not quality?

 

It's late where I am so I have not read through this thread in detail, but on a quick glance... I think you have sex addiction.

 

Not that I think the expectation of sex once every other day is unreasonable for a healthy young man (oh god I really hope it is not going to drop significantly lower than that before my mid 40s at least! :D ) but you seem to have sex on your mind a lot more than the average guy. Like masturbating 3 times a day?! With porn? (if so I'm surprised you still find real women exciting)

 

But yeah to echo what others have said, love and relationships isn't just about sex, maybe you know that and it's just not coming across because you are writing about your sex-centric problem, but you are coming across rather entitled, self-centered and shallow, and if that is the case, then perhaps some self-reflection and honest reassessment will provide you the answers you are looking for.

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bluecastle: Thanks for your input again.

 

I have to say, I`m even more shocked to gain your perspective here than getting that comment from wiseman. I`m not seeing women as people? That`s just not true, not at all.

 

I`m not buying the gifts and treating her well only to get sex. I do it to be a good man for her. Of course, I have expectations also and sex is a major one of them but they are not linked together to how I treat her. I would never want to have sex with her unless she wants it also. I don`t want that kind of sex from her. I just know she used to want me a lot more than atm. I have never treated her poorly because she didn`t want sex with me, never. It`s hard for me to believe I have to write this, but again I`m here to learn so if I seem like that kind of a person then we can talk about that also;

 

I have 0 friends, literally 0 as I mentioned earlier. I don`t care about people that much, atleast not their company. I don`t get along with people very well after being with them for over a short time.. I only need my partner with me in life, as my best and only friend. Other than that I go out alone rather than someone who I have to forcibly chat all night long. Many psychological tests I have done claim that I have an antisocial personality disorder, not the most extreme but anyways. This can make me seem like "binary-minded", because maybe I don`t know how to say better what I want to say or something like that, who knows. I`m intrigued though if you were able to spot something like that from my writing. That however does not make me a bad husband, cold-minded or anything like that. I guarantee you that she has only good things to say about my respect and behaviour towards her, and would consider our relationship warm and loving. As I wrote earlier, I`m treating her with the best possible way I can think of, every day regardless of sex. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It`s only unfortunate that the sex issue spreads to other areas of our relationship also, but yet I have never treated her as any less "people" than I would want myself to be treated.

 

About that "bullseye", I´m trying to do it all the time but am struggling. As I wrote in my previous long post in the thread I have tried many times to want less sex, but I keep failing. I would quess that the reason why I fail is that I really don`t want that to happen as I`d rather have more sex in reality. I would love to gain the ability to control my bullseye though.

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Just curious, your problem is purely quantity of sex, not quality?

 

It's late where I am so I have not read through this thread in detail, but on a quick glance... I think you have sex addiction.

 

Not that I think the expectation of sex once every other day is unreasonable for a healthy young man (oh god I really hope it is not going to drop significantly lower than that before my mid 40s at least! :D ) but you seem to have sex on your mind a lot more than the average guy. Like masturbating 3 times a day?! With porn? (if so I'm surprised you still find real women exciting)

 

But yeah to echo what others have said, love and relationships isn't just about sex, maybe you know that and it's just not coming across because you are writing about your sex-centric problem, but you are coming across rather entitled, self-centered and shallow, and if that is the case, then perhaps some self-reflection and honest reassessment will provide you the answers you are looking for.

 

I`m happy with the quality of our sex, it´s always good and actually she gets off also with very high % of the times. This might be because I never try to pressure her if she does not want it, I rather try to make her want it. Of course because of this issue I sometimes accidentally put pressure to her, but I apologize if I realize what happened.

 

Yeah I have to watch porn 3 times a day.. but to be honest that makes me depressed. I would watch my woman every time rather than porn to get off. I cant get off with my imagination, tried it back in days and it was impossible to get turned on..

 

This thread sure makes me to do some thinking about myself, because I keep reading this stuff about myself that makes me shocked. For example to you I sounded self centered and shallow. That`s not what I want to be as a person or to be perceived as one. However if that`s really me, it´s atleast good to know so I can improve in those areas of my life.

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