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What’s it like dating someone with mild aspergers?


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My BIL (brother-in-law) has mild AS (Asperger's Syndrome). I can't speak for all AS people but he is very socially awkward to the point of being a jerk. He says inappropriate comments, extremely rude and infuriates many people including his wife (my sister), me, my husband and sons. BIL has no qualms humiliating others privately and during social settings. Unfortunately, this type of boorish behavior alienates others quickly and I take great lengths to avoid him except for perfunctory TG (Thanksgiving) because my sons want to be with their cousins on that holiday.

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Through my own experience, I would have to advise giving them a wide berth. Everyone with AS is different, but even if this man tells you it's mild, it might be because he wants to minimise his condition so as not to scare you aware. I am a member of two support groups for partners of men with AS and the same themes come up over and over again. They are very good at hiding their symptoms while you are still in the initial stages, but once they know they have won you over, they start showing who they really are and the effect they have on a partner can be immense. You will end up walking on eggshells because everything you say is wrong. They are never at fault for anything, they do not accept responsibility and will never apologise. They are rude, incredibly defensive and take any suggestion/disagreement with their opinion as personal attack. If you get upset over anything, whether it's to do with something they have said or done or is unrelated, you won't get an ounce of kindness or empathy. They will talk and talk about things that interest them, but won't want to listen to you. They may well have sensory issues, which mean they won't do this or they won't go there. They will go way over the top in their reactions to the slightest things and this can include aggressive rages. They have no ability to deal with any kind of change or stress and will blame you for everything. They will lie if it benefits them and the moodiness is legendary. Before long you will be a shadow of your former self because everything has to be about them and what they want.

 

As I say, this is not only my own experience but that of many others. If you search Facebook for Women in Relationships with Asperger's Men you will see what I mean.

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I don’t think it’s fair to generalise. I’ve had two long term relationships with men on the autistic spectrum and they were very very different people. I think how it manifests varies from person to person.

 

What matters is that you remain aware of what your deal breakers are and act to end it if you learn you’re incompatible. The first guy I was with for 6 years, our connection on a mental level is still the best I’ve ever had with anyone. However he was touch averse and touch is my love language (and he was a miserable git who wasn’t willing to get a mental health care plan). That relationship didn’t end because he’s autistic, it ended because of fundamental incompatibility. The other guy I was with for almost two years. He ended that because he fell out of love (but in a pretty drawn out and cowardly way. Whether that was a result of how his brain is wired or youth I’ll never know).

 

Judge a person by their actions not their diagnosis that’s my two cents.

 

(And my advice, that carries over into your dealings with the neurotypical also is, if someone shuts down and goes non verbal on you, give them alllllll of the space).

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They are all different just like NT people. NT people can be jerks too this whole forum is full of threads about it. I don’t think it is fair to call every Autistic person a jerk. They are abused enough by society. I have seen it first hand. My son is Autistic. Btw Aspergers is not a thing anymore, they are Autistic.

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My son is a sweet quiet person. He is very gentle and carrying . He is brutally honest if you want someone to pat your shoulder and say , “ there there” and feed you namby pamby crap he isn’t your guy. ( but I am not either ) But if you want and honest and caring person he is. He is just not into touch or noise or crowds.

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So I don't think I have personal experience (I mean maybe I was on a date with someone with a diagnosis and didn't know it?) but I don't think the question can be answered in this way because from my understanding everyone who is on the spectrum exhibits individual symptoms and I'm not sure how/whether these affect going on dates or if they do it's in any negative or positive way. Analogy -my father had depression and was diagnosed as bipolar and his behavior, his symptoms, wildly varied and were not always "because" of the diagnosis. Not sure if that is a good analogy and I know this is a sensitive subject!!

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This sounds like a spectator question. Because either you are dating someone with this or not. Are you dating this individual or are you just curious? There's no one-size fits all answer to that.

 

So even if people respond to your survey with their opinions, it may not pertain to what you want to know. It will just devolve in to a guessing game. For any dating situation there is no real road map.

I’m curious to see if anyone has any experience. :)
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I’m curious to see if anyone has any experience. :)

 

Ah, so you're talking about the guy you went on two dates with who you plan to ask for "feedback" if he doesn't want to see you again.

 

Why do you presume he has Aspergers just because he may not want to go out with you again? Maybe he doesn't have a medical or any other type of condition but has just decided you two are not a fit.

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We were talking about personalities and he told me he believes he has mild to mid undiagnosed aspergers. I mean if he’s not into me then he’s not, but I am curious about he condition.

 

Ah, so you're talking about the guy you went on two dates with who you plan to ask for "feedback" if he doesn't want to see you again.

 

Why do you presume he has Aspergers just because he may not want to go out with you again? Maybe he doesn't have a medical or any other type of condition but has just decided you two are not a fit.

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He told me. I mean if he’s not interested me in me then that’s that, but I am curious about the aspergers.

 

Has he told you he has mild Asperger's? Or have you diagnosed him during these days when you haven't heard from him but hoped to about the third date?
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Watch the video I put up. If you want to know about Autism the best people to learn from are Autistic people. The video is done by an Autistic person. Many Autistic people prefer identity first language . Autistic person not person with Autism. There are Autistic people on this forum. Wether they choose to speak up is up to them.

He told me. I mean if he’s not interested me in me then that’s that, but I am curious about the aspergers.
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We were talking about personalities and he told me he believes he has mild to mid undiagnosed aspergers. I mean if he’s not into me then he’s not, but I am curious about he condition.

 

If it's undiagnosed then I don't think your question is relevant because it's what it's like dating someone who has a diagnosis. He doesn't. And anyway as I wrote it manifests in very individual ways, some positive, some challenging, some neither - so your question isn't going to gain you much relevant information even if this guy did have a diagnosis. Even if he did he is a person who chose not to accept your invitation for a date. That situation is highly typical albeit disappointing. Whether the reason is that he has some sort of "condition" or thinks you do, or none of the above is irrelevant other than maybe for your ego -meaning if this was because of a condition and not simply "not interested" would your ego feel less bruised? I say assume he's just not that into you especially if you're going to see his profile active on a dating site, etc.

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There is a plethora of accurate information on many hospital or government based sites, if you're that curious. Google is your friend and it's a lot more accurate than the guessing and flaming that has gone on with rhetorical threads like this. keep in mind even if thinks he has this, that or the other, he can still just not be interested. So all the guessing and speculating is in vain.

 

 

https://www.ninds.nih.gov/Disorders/All-Disorders/Asperger-Syndrome-Information-Page

We were talking about personalities and he told me he believes he has mild to mid undiagnosed aspergers. I mean if he’s not into me then he’s not, but I am curious about he condition.
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Let's just say that dating anyone with a disorder (yes, Aspergers is a disorder according to the DSM) is more difficult than dating someone who doesn't have a disorder. Two friends of mine have Aspergers and they're completely different people. However, there are some similarities to be found. How Aspergers comes out in them is their extreme interest in certain topics, to the point that it's hard to talk about anything else with them. Socially they are limited, especially in the empathy department. It's hard for them to truly grasp other people's emotions.

 

I'd assume the more comfortable they become with you, the expression of these character traits exacerbate.

 

Aspergers can also be genetic. One friend has a father with Aspergers and he told me it was so incredibly hard to connect with his father. To the point that he doesn't really want contact with him, while nothing bad has happened.

 

So I guess that if you want to date someone with Aspergers you need to know that socially they're often limited, forming a deep and trusting connection might be a challenge. If you want that (almost impossible) challenge, go for it. It's not like they're not good people or anything, just a challenge socially (for both you and them).

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For instance although my son is a month from being 22 if I am upset or cry he gets tears in his eyes. If I get hurt he is devastated. He adores animals. He is very gentle and sweet with my daycare littles. He loves babies .

 

Is reciprocal conversation difficult? Sometimes but he has matured greatly in that dept.

 

What people don’t realize is development is going to be at a slower pace.

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It is a myth they don’t have empathy. My son has tons . It is just not normally expressed like an NT.

 

~Seraphim~, I'm glad your son has empathy. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for my BIL (brother-in-law / my sister's husband). I will not mince words when I describe my BIL as a full on jerk. He is a jerk. He has a mild form of AS (Asperger's Syndrome / autism). Granted, he's really smart and earns a ton of money to afford an affluent lifestyle for my sister and their 3 kids but he's still a major jerk. He has zero empathy. He treats people with obnoxious disrespect which is incredibly insulting and offensive. He humiliates others privately and in social settings. He goes out of his way to say something horribly inappropriate and uncalled for all the time. He has no embarrassment nor shame whatsoever. He's appalling, abysmal, useless, worthless and hopeless. It's awful and so bad that he automatically alienates those around him and we avoid him like the plague.

 

We all reside locally and we only see each other for TG (Thanksgiving) for my sons sake because they want to see their cousins for the holiday. Sometimes, we also see them for family obligations such as a grad party, special party for my mother and the like but we try to avoid him for the majority of the year every year.

 

My sister defends her husband because he is her meal ticket and provides for the family. Me and my men (husband and 2 sons) stay faraway for our own protection and sanity. We live our own content lives.

 

Unfortunately, their daughter, my niece also inherited her father's mild form of AS and she too has social problems but at least she is not as bad as her father. She is withdrawn and doesn't say obnoxiously rude comments reminiscent of her father. She's a nice girl because she doesn't say anything inappropriate.

 

I like my nieces and nephew. Their father? He can go to you know where as far as I'm concerned. My sister? I let her continue being married to the jerk whom she chose. She puts up and shuts up. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. Better her than me. :D

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I don’t think it is unfortunate someone is Autistic. How was your BIL treated by his family and society? I have seen society treat my son like sh*t for no reason other than he is different. He has been swarmed and beaten and mocked by adult ( teachers ) when he was a child. I have seen it with my own eyes and ears. How do people think people can turn out when treated like that.

 

I also believe myself to be Autistic. I am not an un empathic jerk. Many many Autistic people are abused at a greater rate than the typical population.

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The Op can reference the government site for accurate info. This thread should really be closed.

 

The guy in question simply doesn't want to date her. There is no "diagnosis".

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561599&p=7160638&viewfull=1#post7160638

 

Yes, this thread should be closed! The existence and rights of people with disabilities shouldn't be questioned. This thread is a bit ridiculous.

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