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Texting a date for feedback?


Karen21260
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I (30F) went on two dates with a guy (29M) and we really hit it off. Both times, we had dinner but stayed at the restaurant until it closed at midnight. He seemed to have many great qualities. The only thing is that at the end of both dates, he becomes very awkward. He’ll give me a very long hug and seems to want to kiss me, freeze & stare at me, gets visibly embarrassed, and we end the date without kissing. He seems socially awkward. He hugged me a lot during the dates and many times my face would be right in front of his but he would just give me a big shy smile and keep hugging me. I thought it was weird he didn’t pick up on the cue to kiss me. We weren’t inebriated either. I told myself I’d kiss him on the next date. I can say without a doubt that he’s interested in me.

 

I decided to take initiative and ask him out for the third date. To my surprise, he said he’s packed this weekend and this month is unusually busy for him. He’s going to be out of town this weekend and also was out of town last week. But he didn’t say anything else. I figured that if a guy was interested, he would at least say next month is better or set up a different date.

 

Prior to both of our dates, he did say he would need to be on his laptop for 10 mins which he was. He was courteous about it and still engaged in conversation with me. He’s very busy with work.

 

Well the weekend has come and gone, and another weekend is now here. I haven’t heard from him and would like to ask him out again. I would like to say something like “Hey Jon, I hope you had a great trip. So I don’t usually ask guys out, and more than once, but I really enjoyed my time with you. Would you like to go out again? If not, it’s totally cool, and I wouldn’t mind getting feedback from a totally awesome guy if you’re up for it. :)”

 

What do you guys think? My best friend says I’ll look desperate but to be honest I don’t really mind. If he’s not interested then it doesn’t matter what he thinks of me. It’s more important for me to take the opportunity. I’m also curious what he has to say if he does have feedback. I’m very comfortable asking him for feedback because he actually told me he does the same sometimes. So I don’t think he’ll think it’s weird. We’re both analytical people who love to learn and self improve.

 

Any thoughts on the actual text?

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Honestly, I'd limit the text to just seeing if he wants to hang out. Couching it in explaining that you don't usually ask guys out—and more than once—is just creating pressure where none needs to exist. And preemptively asking him for feedback is kind of the same thing. Feels loaded, an unnecessary display of insecurity posturing as cool girl vulnerability.

 

If you genuinely don't care what he thinks of you than just stick to the basics: what you think of him, which is that you'd like to see him again, and own that with confidence. If he's on the same page, great. If he's not, equally great. Means you get to let this go so you can find someone you better click with, rather than someone you ostensibly don't care about but wouldn't mind feedback from.

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I agree with your friend. Don't be perceived as insecure, needy and clingy by hounding him. Back off. Make yourself interesting and intriguing by having your own independent streak. Have an aura of mystery about you because guys will find this extremely alluring. Don't make yourself so available and ready. Have your own life.

 

Let him reach out to you if he's interested and if he isn't, there is your answer.

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Hmmm... I was going to just say "No! Don't do it!"... but I'll dig a little deeper here.

 

He seemed to have many great qualities.

 

I am curious what those are. What attracted your to this guy so much?

 

The only thing is that at the end of both dates, he becomes very awkward. He’ll give me a very long hug and seems to want to kiss me, freeze & stare at me, gets visibly embarrassed, and we end the date without kissing. He seems socially awkward. He hugged me a lot during the dates and many times my face would be right in front of his but he would just give me a big shy smile and keep hugging me. I thought it was weird he didn’t pick up on the cue to kiss me.

 

Has he ever been in a relationship before? If not why? I am not judging, there maybe perfectly understandable reasons for his social awkwardness and/or lack of experience with women at 29 years old. But if what you described is accurate, that is a pretty serious level of insecurity and awkwardness that most guys get over after their first experience with girls.

 

If he is just insecure and lacks experience, and you have the patience to guide him through it and coax him out of his shell, then it might be worth the effort. If he has crippling social anxiety or social awkwardness wired into his system, you are going to find it exhausting leading him through any future relationship, because he may lack the capacity to learn, if it is something more fundamental than just shyness and nerves due to a lack of experience.

 

Also given the reluctance for physical intimacy, do you think there is any chance that he is ... gay? or asexual? Just wondering if he is just looking for companionship rather than a real relationship.

 

I decided to take initiative and ask him out for the third date. To my surprise, he said he’s packed this weekend and this month is unusually busy for him. He’s going to be out of town this weekend and also was out of town last week. But he didn’t say anything else. I figured that if a guy was interested, he would at least say next month is better or set up a different date.

 

Prior to both of our dates, he did say he would need to be on his laptop for 10 mins which he was. He was courteous about it and still engaged in conversation with me. He’s very busy with work.

 

Whilst I understand what it feels like to be so busy that you don't have time to think about dating, there are a few other possibilities here:

1) He is not that into you. If a guy is really excited about you, he normally does not wait so long encase you get snapped up by somebody else in the interim)

2) He is pursuing somebody else he likes more. Back when I used Tinder and Tinder-like apps, I would speak to multiple girls at the same time, but if I met somebody I liked, I would focus on her (only meet her) for a while until we either went exclusive or gave up. Until we reached that exclusive stage, I'd put the other girls on the back-burner, being non-committal and say that I was too busy to meet them if they contacted me.

3) He is not ready for a relationship. Maybe he does like you, or at least spending time with you, but he realizes that he finds having the commitment of being in a relationship is too overwhelming on top of his busy job. If he is socially awkward, things that come naturally to most guys might be stressful for him.

 

My best friend says I’ll look desperate but to be honest I don’t really mind.

 

Yes your text does come across desperate. You don't want that if you actually want a relationship with this guy. It will hand him all the power and leave yourself open to being used, hurt and discarded. Girls should never be easy. You want to be with guys who are excited to be with you, not because you metaphorically presented yourself to him, complete with a bow and ribbons.

 

Do NOT ask him for advice on how your date went unless you don't want a future with him anymore. It is the sort of thing you do (if you must) when you no longer care about what he thinks of you, and just want some honest advice for the future.

 

That all said. Yes you can text him to initiate contact after a while, but it should be cool and casual. Something like,

 

"hey Jon, how's it going? I hope your trip went well and work isn't too hectic!"

 

Now if he has any interest in you, he will respond and know that you are interested in him, because why else would you have initiated contact? But it's not cringe-worthy, awkward and needy like if you just asked him out directly, told him how awesome he is, AND asked for feedback about your dates!

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He has said this month is too busy, so, a text like the one you're thinking of sending would probably put unnecessary pressure on him. Because this month is unusually busy for me, too, I know that that's how I would feel even if I wanted to see the person again.

 

If I were really interested in him, I would text or call him asking about his trip or something like that just to keep the lines of communication open but I'd leave the suggestion for a third date up to him (because he's the one who's busy and you were the one who asked the last time).

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How did he manage to have a laptop available at your dinner dates?

 

I think this person is better as a friend, not a person to date. The chemistry is bone dry and you seem more confused than excited, insecure than positive.

 

The text itself may be helpful once you both move to some comfortable friendship or agree that there’s no chemistry between you. I wouldn’t ask for feedback like that from someone I’m dating. It appears a little odd.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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If someone says they're busy you just simply say: "Okay, no problem. Let me know when you're sure of your schedule and we make plans then."

Then you walk away. The ball is in their court, if they contact you, you make plans. If they don't, you just never contact them again either. It can be so simple...

If they contact you and start talking about random things you state that you are busy, but you'd love to meet in person. What's your schedule like/when are you free? And make definite plans then.

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You go on a few dates and either you're hitting it off...or you're not. Do not ask for feedback. Not asking you out again IS your feedback. He barely knows you. Never put someone in such a strange position. Either you both want to go out again...or not. If he seems to lack interest, you don't need it spelled out with an analysis, just move forward. Don't use "I want feedback" as an excuse to force a response from anyone.

Prior to both of our dates, he did say he would need to be on his laptop for 10 mins which he was. He was courteous about it and still engaged in conversation with me.

I haven’t heard from him and would like to ask him out again.

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Karen, how did you respond when he told you that he would be busy that weekend & over the course of the month?

 

I would have taken that opportunity to respond by saying, “Ok, good luck with the workload. When things calm down for you and if you want to hang out, feel free to reach out”, and left it at that.

 

I wouldn’t bother reaching out again at this point. He knows you’re interested.

 

In my experience, when a guy’s interested, you’ll know and he’ll be setting up a date to ensure you see each other again.

 

Who knows, maybe you will hear from him again, but I’d give him space & leave him be, considering the message he sent you.

 

Let any thoughts about this guy go and focus on meeting other men. Trust me, if this guy wants to see you again, he will make it known.

Edited by milly007
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If he'd been the one to ask you out the 3rd time and you were going out of town and really busy at work, wouldn't you have looked at the calendar and given him the first free date? Anybody with great interest would, to let the person know it's circumstances, not lack of interest, for the delay in setting up the next date.

 

No, do not contact him again. Never make more effort than you're receiving when first dating. You made the last effort. It's his turn to either do so or fade away, because he doesn't even owe you a goodbye after only 2 dates.

 

You don't need feedback, and most likely if he gave you an answer, it would be a lie. Just because a date doesn't work out, doesn't mean you need improvement. I've always just been myself on dates. Either I was someone's cup of tea or I wasn't. You normally have to date a boatload of people to hit magic. When I did OLD, I went on dates with about 30 men before I met my future husband. The fact that he asked you out a 2nd time meant you didn't act off-putting the first time around, so I bet you're doing fine.

 

I know how frustrating it is to be interested in someone and they move on. It happened to me when I was dating, but when I met the right man, I then was happy the other ones didn't work out. Assume your guardian angel or fate has someone better in store. Take care.

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It's a bit ironic that you are claiming that he is socially awkward when here you are, failing to read the most basic of social cues yourself.

 

You asked for a date, he "suddenly" became busy all weekend and then again a whole month. OP, nobody is ever that busy. That is your polite rejection from him. An equivalent of a girl telling a guy she needs to wash her hair....for a month.... Take the hint, do it gracefully and move on. Don't pretend that you don't understand what he meant by "busy".....but since you are asking.....he is not that into you.

 

As for asking for feedback, sorry but it is weird and pointless. What can someone who doesn't know at all, has only seen you twice in their life tell you about you? The attraction was one sided and that's all your feedback.

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It's more likely that he's simply not interested than that he has some undiagnosed neurological, psychiatric, etc. issue. Just because someone doesn't want to date, you don't need to push, find excuses or start the armchair diagnoses rolling. And no, he's not gay either if he doesn't contact you, so you can rule that out now as well.

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It's more likely that he's simply not interested than that he has some undiagnosed neurological, psychiatric, etc. issue. Just because someone doesn't want to date, you don't need to push, find excuses or start the armchair diagnoses rolling. And no, he's not gay either if he doesn't contact you, so you can rule that out now as well.

 

Loved this!

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It's more likely that he's simply not interested than that he has some undiagnosed neurological, psychiatric, etc. issue. Just because someone doesn't want to date, you don't need to push, find excuses or start the armchair diagnoses rolling. And no, he's not gay either if he doesn't contact you, so you can rule that out now as well.

 

Yep, just because he isn't interested in a third date doesn't mean he has Aspergers. Maybe he just isn't feeling it for whatever reason.

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I agree with everyone who wrote that the ball is in his court, this is a simple matter of he's just not that into you -his actions tell you that -no need to overthink or play therapist. i'm sorry to write that as I've been there and know it is disappointing to hear and accept. It's a waste of time to try to analyze -spend that time being out there and living your life and meeting people. All the best to you!

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Thank you everyone for your feedback. I won’t text him. I wrote it out of a moment of weakness / desperation. I think it’s not necessarily him but I’m frustrated with dating and being single in general. I want to be in a relationship but haven’t found the right person yet and it’s heartbreaking sometimes.

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Thank you everyone for your feedback. I won’t text him. I wrote it out of a moment of weakness / desperation. I think it’s not necessarily him but I’m frustrated with dating and being single in general. I want to be in a relationship but haven’t found the right person yet and it’s heartbreaking sometimes.

 

I was exactly where you are for many years. I get it!! Partly I got in my own way. What worked for me was to become the right person to find the right person. I got married at 42.

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The best way to handle those very human frustrations, in my experience, is to do things that remind you of how awesome you are, and how awesome it is to be alive, rather than trying to figure out why some stranger maybe wasn't feeling you after two dates and then go about tweaking the code of your personhood in order to make sure the next stranger feels you after two dates.

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Thank you everyone for your feedback. I won’t text him. I wrote it out of a moment of weakness / desperation. I think it’s not necessarily him but I’m frustrated with dating and being single in general. I want to be in a relationship but haven’t found the right person yet and it’s heartbreaking sometimes.

 

You'll just have to pick yourself up and find strength in yourself, in your independence and your singular self. There is nothing more powerful than an individual who understands his/her own needs, desires, has their own goals. You should take a time out from the dating scene and get back in touch with yourself if you feel it's been awhile since you've done that. It's normal to feel burnt out while dating. People do take breaks from dating too. The less strong you feel in yourself or less self-confident you feel, the less and less you are as a person while meeting other people. Others will sense that from you and you'll be vulnerable. Be your best self and get back to yourself and all the things that make up who you are as a person.

 

Don't settle either for dribs and drabs like this. And a laptop is not acceptable at a dinner date.

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If someone says they're busy you just simply say: "Okay, no problem. Let me know when you're sure of your schedule and we make plans then."

Then you walk away. The ball is in their court, if they contact you, you make plans. If they don't, you just never contact them again either. It can be so simple...

If they contact you and start talking about random things you state that you are busy, but you'd love to meet in person. What's your schedule like/when are you free? And make definite plans then.

 

This. If someone were to tell me he's busy for the next MONTH, there's not a shot in hell that I'd try to preempt that with an invitation. I'd write him off as disinterested, and maybe someday I'd be surprised by his contact for another date. But that would be the extent of any future thought to him, because if he were all that interested in me, he'd have no trouble making that clear to me.

 

Head high, and set up a few quick meets for coffee to check out other guys.

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I can say that I'm incredibly unconfident and just as awkward as you're describing this guy regarding the end of evening kiss. I need some pretty clear signs before I really feel comfortable about it.

 

That said, I'm very active about scheduling more dates. If I had a month that was so slammed that I couldn't make a date fit, I'd still actively communicate and clearly let her know I wanted to schedule it when possible.

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