Jump to content

Need Help. Advice

Big b

Recommended Posts

I am 29 years old, I am having problems finding the ONE... I have never dated, I was home schooled, and I don't have the social skills I believe everyone gets when they go to school.

The main reason I believe I cant find anyone is due to 2 main reasons. 1- is I'm overweight around 380lbs from being a weight lifter, I got a big belly. yikes I know but that something I can work on.. the other reason 2- Its the big one is that. I'm a religious person and the way I believe is that I can only date of my same religion. there's other churches in different towns, city's and states, but I don't want to go into one of these churches and walk up to someone and ask a girl out. that would be very uncomfortable I know that saying plenty of fish in the sea, don't apply to my case. its more like fish in a stream. these are the cards life has given me.. my family don't understand I'm the only one in the family that's never dated before 30.

Link to comment

172kg?! :o Did I convert that correctly?


Sorry this is probably not nice to hear or politically correct, but that is not "overweight", that is seriously obese. I plugged in your weight into a BMI calculator and assumed that you are 1.9m tall, that still came out to a BMI over 40. Even if you were a walking mountain of pure muscle, I would look to cut that number to under 30 asap, for your health and general well-being, more than any dating considerations.


You are 29 years old, even if you were home schooled, surely you have been exposed to general society through work and other stuff beyond your schooling? Surely you will have developed some social skills since then?


As for the religious issue. There are Christian dating websites out there. Unless you are restricting your dating pool to a very specific denomination of Christianity, then you should have plenty of options. And yes just walking up to a random girl at church and asking her out could come across poorly, but if you immersed yourself in a church community, volunteered at events, participated in their social activities etc... surely you would meet some women in that community naturally and see if you hit it off with any of them.


Finally don't religious communities tend to recommend suitable young men and women to each other? Have your friends and family never tried to introduced you to "some nice girl from that church on the other side of town" or something.

Link to comment

Since you're going to work on number 1, I'd say for number 2, no, you don't go in and ask a woman out cold turkey. Most churches have bible study groups and volunteer activities and choirs, etc. You participate in activities and gradually get to know people. One of my friends met her husband when they were both in the church choir.


You can get a life coach and practice social skills, or read books on communication skills and practice those skills on cashiers, family members who can role play with you, and making small talk when it's organic to do so.


You'll have better luck being genuine, listening to another when they speak, and being interested by asking more non-intrusive questions about the topic at hand, instead of conjuring what you will say next and not being "present."


Stop making excuses. There are always solutions to problems. I've already given you a few.

Link to comment

I would work with someone to get your weight back down to a manageable size. Your weight is difficult on your heart which just has to work harder and you're at risk for heart disease and other health issues. Do you visit a doctor or get regular check ups? Focus on your health before dating. Don't mind what your family thinks about your love life. I'm a bit concerned that someone is enabling you or helping you (providing you) with food choices in the house that don't help your situation. You'll have to look at what's going on at home and what's going on with you before you start inviting someone else into your life.


Start getting into better shape for yourself. You can't go on living this way.

Link to comment

They are indeed some high barriers you have...


However the other big obstacle you face is this:

I believe I cant find anyone.....

Don’t underestimate the power of the mind. What we tell ourselves is what will usually come to pass*


If you were/are a weightlifter then you probably have great discipline...



Link to comment

The weight must be your first priority. I know someone that struggled as you are now. Once he started to lose the weight, he gained more confidence in himself. Yes he made attempts to meet girls and failed, but he never gave up. Of course I gave him as much encouragement as possible. I was his cheerleader.....you need to find someone that can be your cheerleader, that will keep you focused towards your goals.

Link to comment

Weight is the first priority.


Do get involved with groups at your church. Volunteer. through being around you will develop social skills & you will enable others to know why you are worth dating. When you find your ministry, you will be closer to finding your partner.

Link to comment

Are people from your religion on dating apps? Is it a cult? Will you be banned/shunned if you date other women? What about your friends, family, parents and fellow church-goers? Can they suggest a girl for you to date? Heavy people date and get married all the time, and yes take care of your health.

I have never dated, I was home schooled

I'm a religious person and the way I believe is that I can only date of my same religion.

Link to comment

I would encourage you to branch out and seek out as many new interests and experiences that you can which will get you out mingling with new groups and a wide range of people you don't usually interact with.

The issue is isolation, which you did not have control over when you were little but you do now.

I would challenge this idea that dating only within your religion is the cards life dealt you. That makes it sound like you do not have a choice in the matter, but you do.

In fact, I would challenge any long standing belief you may have that contributes further to your isolation and prevents you from exploring all that is out there in the world. I would avoid looking in the church and instead look to yourself to go out and build the social skills you were not taught. It is possible they do not have the skills themselves to teach you beyond the to y perimeters of that world.

Don't worry too much about dating at this point, just practise getting to know people and building your confidence. The only way to grow is to challenge limits we believe about ourselves.

You'll be so busy having a blast, the dating part will become much clearer to you.


Do you still live at home? Are you gainfully employed?

Link to comment

I agree about the point about isolation from itsallgrand. It's a good idea to meet people from all walks of life and all backgrounds.


For the purposes of dating, if you prefer someone who is of the same religion, I think you should stick to that and don't settle for someone who falls outside of what you're looking for. I dated outside of my "religion" all my life and had many disagreements with ambivalent or atheist individuals who didn't respect my views or beliefs (didn't take my opinions seriously) or ridiculed whatever thoughts or ideas I had grown up around or believed to be important. I don't think anyone should be subject to that kind of treatment or disrespect. You are entitled to find whomever you feel you connect with best, regardless of religion or some other aspect. If you do enjoy the company of others outside of your religious upbringing, so be it too.


Remain open-minded with everyone you meet and meet lots of people but stay selective in your choices for a partner.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...