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He's stopped pursuing contact, what should I do?


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At the start this guy was basically chasing me i.e calling/messaging initiating pretty much everything. I admit I had my guard up so I wasn't particularly receptive always. He prefers talking on the phone and I prefer messaging, I also just didn't have much time to have lengthy phone conversations. Anyway he got fed up at one point and basically said he refuses to be a texting buddy. To which I then replied he wasn't and then tried my best to make effort with him and call him etc. But as things go we both kept missing each other's calls. He works 12 hour shifts so his work keeps him busy too.

 

Anyway after that he stopped contacting me full stop, so after five days I reached out with a simple message and he was perfectly normal with me again and attentive. He said to me hes surprised I'm still talking to him as he hasn't been able to make as much effort as he normally does (so I guess it's the other way around now). I told him it's fine and tht life gets in the way sometimes, that night he then said i should let him know when I'm free and he will call me. Unfortunately I got back home quite late tht night and knocked out so the next day I texted and told him I was sorry but I fell asleep. He said it's fine and not to worry.

 

Fast forward five days and I have not heard from him. Since i broke the silence last time I'm sort of waiting on him to contact me.

 

I don't really know what to do from here. Is he still interested but just wants me to pursue him or something or has he given up?

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It sounds like he's lost interest or met someone else.

 

How long had you been seeing him, and how often did you have the chance to meet in person?

It's not even been a week since I last heard from him and he seemed perfectly happy to speak to me then.

 

It's Been a few months.

 

I don't know I just assumed maybe it's because I havnt pursued him back or shown equal effort.

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You have never met in person?

 

I'm sorry to say that this isn't going to go anywhere if you two haven't met even once after months of talking. If it's this difficult to find time for one phone call and one date, there's no point.

 

I think he is probably pursuing other options. Either that or he's not actually single.

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You have never met in person?

 

I'm sorry to say that this isn't going to go anywhere if you two haven't met even once after months of talking. If it's this difficult to find time for one phone call and one date, there's no point.

 

I think he is probably pursuing other options. Either that or he's not actually single.

 

I already explained due to the nature of his job he's quite busy. He works 12 hour shifts.

But anyway you think I shouldn't contact him myself then?

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I already explained due to the nature of his job he's quite busy. He works 12 hour shifts.

But anyway you think I shouldn't contact him myself then?

 

Yes, I read that. However, I don't buy it as the reason you two could not manage even one date.

 

Plenty of people are busy with work, school, kids, demanding careers, travel, or some combination thereof. My own partner regularly works 12 hours a day in a fast-paced and stressful job. Such people can still find time to have a date if they genuinely want to. Perhaps he gave up after he got the impression you wouldn't speak on the phone, or maybe he was always on the fence about meeting you.

 

Whatever the case may be, if getting to the first date is this hard, then a having a actual relationship is going to impossible. It's just not a realistic prospect. As such, and given his recent silence, no, I wouldn't bother contacting him again.

 

Sorry, girl.

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It's been a few months and you haven't met in person? Yeesh. He's probably lost interest and/or met someone in person.

 

Well just to clarify I met him a few months ago. But then I myself decided to cut him off because I got annoyed about something. But came back in touch with him, by that time he was on the defence. He wasn't very happy anyway that i did that to the point where he said he didnt think things would go anywhere between us perhaps because of the on n off behaviour which I was guilty of.

 

Aftrr that he just seemed very untrusting and on his guard basically.

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Well just to clarify I met him a few months ago.

 

Was this on a dating app?

 

EDIT: However you met, I'd suggest that you save the defintion of "meeting" someone for people you meet face to face, unless a phone-only relationship is your goal. Is that your goal, either with him or in general?

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Was this on a dating app?

 

EDIT: However you met, I'd suggest that you save the defintion of "meeting" someone for people you meet face to face, unless a phone-only relationship is your goal. Is that your goal, either with him or in general?

 

Yeh it was an online thing. Not that I need it it's just I thought I'd give it a try given the convenience.

 

Well of course a phone only relationship isn't the goal I do meet people in person.

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Hi Savanna,

 

Just my take, but it seems like he was pursuing and showing interest, and even went as far as to express he wanted more than you were giving. You also admit you have blown a bit hot and cold with him. I guess if I imagine this was his thread, with just the facts as you have presented here, he would be hearing a lot of 'she's not interested' responses. I don't forsee him pursuing you now, as it doesn't really sound like you have giving him much to want to pursue. I imagine his interest has faded, and really the question is do you want to spark it up again.

 

To be honest, in these types of 'waiting for some signal of interest' threads, my opinion is usually to just put your cards on the table or walk away. If you actually are interested in him, and honestly think maybe you haven't been signalling that very clearly, then why not just make it clear? I would go with something like - "Hey, I'm sorry, I know I haven't been really clear here, but I have really enjoyed getting to know you and would love to have the chance to meet up and see if there is anything there." If he is open to this, go straight to organising the when and where. And if you are genuinely interested, make the effort to be then and there. Personally, I just think this 'showing interest/whos turn is it to message' dance is rarely that productive, especially when it reaches the point you are here asking about it.

 

And of course, if your not that fussed that's fine too, just move on. No need to over think it - his interest is fading.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide,

 

T

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Great advice from WaywardKiwi.

 

You guys are kind of stuck in the weird place that online connections can create—the "training wheels" version of connecting and dating, as I think of it. You don't know each other, aren't dating, aren't in any kind of relationship, and yet you're acting as if you are, much the way someone riding a bike with training wheels gets the sensation of riding one without actually doing so. Think about that for a minute. It's like you're using this whole thing as a place to feel like you're in a relationship with someone when the only goal should be seeing if you both want to really meet, in person, and see if you have any interest in meeting again.

 

Maybe he's lost interest. Maybe he's met someone else. No big deal. Were he writing on here for the past few months I'd certainly be advising him to keep chatting with others, since this Savana option seems dicey: hot one day, cold the next, pretty keen on throwing up walls and only really interested the moment he fades a bit. Then again, I'd give you the same advice.

 

So, yeah, if you want to see what's what it's time to put the cards on the table. If he's down to meet up, great. If he's not, equally great. Means you get to let go of the digital charade in favor of actually meeting someone rather than "meeting" someone.

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I told him it's fine and tht life gets in the way sometimes, that night he then said i should let him know when I'm free and he will call me. Unfortunately I got back home quite late tht night and knocked out so the next day I texted and told him I was sorry but I fell asleep. He said it's fine and not to worry. Fast forward five days and I have not heard from him. Since i broke the silence last time I'm sort of waiting on him to contact me.

I don't really know what to do from here. Is he still interested but just wants me to pursue him or something or has he given up?

 

So things got off to a really bumpy start. You are trying to get this back on track and end up falling asleep when he was going to call. You text him back (after he told you he didn't care for all the texting) telling him what happened and from there you are sitting back and wondering why he hasn't called . . . again?

 

He's not looking for you to pursue him. This isn't a game. He's looking for an equitable exchange and similar interest.

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So things got off to a really bumpy start. You are trying to get this back on track and end up falling asleep when he was going to call. You tell him what happened and from there and are sitting back and wondering why he hasn't called . . . again?

 

He's not looking for you to pursue him. This isn't a game. He's looking for an equitable exchange and similar interest.

 

Yes I agree. How did you feel about being "chased" by him? Is that something you like, dislike, etc?

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The fact you havent met him tells us a lot. There's always the possibility he's not available, he could be married or living with someone or just not who he says he is. Cut your losses and move on.

 

All this back and forth and already it's gone off the rails.

Not many would consider even meeting if this very simple exchange can't fly straight.

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I already explained due to the nature of his job he's quite busy. He works 12 hour shifts.

But anyway you think I shouldn't contact him myself then?

 

You also told him that you aren't into phone calls and don't have time for lengthy conversations and you sat back while he initiated all forms of communication... I am not sure why you are surprised that he lost interest. He said he doesn't want a texting buddy, so unless you are willing to make time for a phone call or to meet in person, I suggest letting this go and finding someone who's schedule better matches with yours.

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This is all you need to know. don't waste your time on go nowhere situations. Delete and block him and move forward.

I met him a few months ago. But then I myself decided to cut him off because I got annoyed about something.

he said he didnt think things would go anywhere between us

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Oh dear. No more chatting. It's time to enjoy the company of someone in person. It may seem tempting if convenience is what you're aiming for but sooner or later you'll be left wanting for more as the interactions will become stale quickly. I think you should think a little better of yourself. You deserve better.

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We havnt. But due to the nature of his job he wanted to be sure about me before he did. So he wanted to have a proper phone conversation with me before meeting.

 

All of this wasted time and energy on someone yo haven't even met. Oh, goodness!

 

If you haven't met someone within two weeks, you should have moved on.

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I already explained due to the nature of his job he's quite busy. He works 12 hour shifts.

But anyway you think I shouldn't contact him myself then?

 

If he is that busy, then why would you continue to pursue this? it makes zero sense! Move on!

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