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How would you feel about this?


Eliza50
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My mother was admitted to hospital yesterday because of liver problems. Two of my closest friends (a married couple) ,haven't called or even messaged me to ask how she's doing.

They know about it because we met last Sunday and I told them she would be hospitalized the next day.

Also, the guy and I work at the same place and he was there when I left work early because of that reason..this was.yesterday and I haven't heard anything from him or his wife since. Not even to ask what the problen was (I didn't know it was the liver yet).

All my other friends have contacted me in some way..everyone but those 2 and another friend we all used to hang out with.

I've posted about her before. Long story but we're not close any more so I wonder if their silence now means they're taking sides or something (I had a chat with her last week and they know about it..I wouldn't tell them myself but she did and they told me so I told them my side of the story)

Perhaps I shouldn't have but her version of what happened was full of lies so I felt I should tell them the truth when they asked.

Any ideas? I feel very disappointed right now as these are people I thought I could count on and I specifically told them this is the story but I know she's also your friend so don't get involved. I would never ask them to pick sides but seems like they have?

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So do you mean "count on" in that you told them what was going on and now they "should" contact you to check on how you/your mother are doing? Yes, I do this -including for not-good friends/acquaintances and yes even before cell phones (although on a practical level you don't want to disturb someone with an actual call if things are chaotic so a message/text basically telling them no response required, just checking in, thinking of you).

I'd let this one go. Unless they offered to drive you to the hospital or similar and stood you up or were flaky then you need to move past the lack of a check in call. People have their own lives and since they don't need to actually do anything for you in terms of actions they might be thinking of you and simply haven't typed a message.

 

Focus on what is important - staying strong, and your mother -staying strong and focused to help your mother. Distracting yourself with what is basically high school stuff in comparison won't let you do that IMO.

 

I hope your mother gets better soon.

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I have not read your posts, so I do not know the context to answer the second half of your question...

 

But I think it is rather weird that you expect your friends to specifically call you to ask about your mother's health. I am sorry but that comes across very self-centered to me. Other people have their own lives, your mother might be very important to you, but she is not to your friends, who have their own family and friends and their own lives to deal with.

 

I would understand if you were upset that your friends let you down if they promised to do something with regards to your mother's hospitalization, or if they did not bother to check up on your health if they knew you were going to the hospital for something potentially serious, but unless I have misunderstood, you literally just expect them to take time out of their day to call you to check up on how your mother is doing?

 

I would at most expect that the next time I see my friend at work, or whatever, he/she would say, "oh yeah, how is your mother? what happened at the hospital?" out of politeness, and it is no big deal if they forgot, my mother is not their responsibility! They are just your friends, not your siblings or personal assistants.

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But I think it is rather weird that you expect your friends to specifically call you to ask about your mother's health. I am sorry but that comes across very self-centered to me. Other people have their own lives, your mother might be very important to you, but she is not to your friends, who have their own family and friends and their own lives to deal with.

 

All my other friends did and I always call or message when a friend's mother is seriously ill. She does not have a cold, it's a potentially life-threatening situation I'd rather not go into detail about. I find hard to believe that if one of your closest friends' (of 20 years) mother was seriously ill, you'd just say oh, by the way, how is your mother next time you saw them at work. That's the act of an acquaintance, not a friend.

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So do you mean "count on" in that you told them what was going on and now they "should" contact you to check on how you/your mother are doing? Yes, I do this -including for not-good friends/acquaintances and yes even before cell phones (although on a practical level you don't want to disturb someone with an actual call if things are chaotic so a message/text basically telling them no response required, just checking in, thinking of you).

I'd let this one go. Unless they offered to drive you to the hospital or similar and stood you up or were flaky then you need to move past the lack of a check in call. People have their own lives and since they don't need to actually do anything for you in terms of actions they might be thinking of you and simply haven't typed a message.

 

Focus on what is important - staying strong, and your mother -staying strong and focused to help your mother. Distracting yourself with what is basically high school stuff in comparison won't let you do that IMO.

 

I hope your mother gets better soon.

 

By 'count on' I meant to hear or read some words of encouragement, like I did from all my other friends. I didn't expect anything more.

 

But, yes, you're right that I should focus on my mother. It's just that we've always been there for each other in joy or sorrow and I'm stunned at this silence.

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So it's about expectations. Just because you do X doesn't mean others do X. One of my closest friends forgot my bday this year (no she is not on Facebook) -and yes, slightly annoyed and yes I put myself in her shoes. And today when she told me her annual MRI is in two weeks (because she has benign brain tumors and has had surgeries!) I calendared the date so that I will remember to check in with her in two weeks. That's what I do . I do not expect others to do the same -it's just how I am. So, no you cannot "count on" your friends to remember to send you a text about your mother's health -to "check in". Maybe some assume that you don't need your phone pinging every minute while you're trying to focus on your mother's care and since they can't physically be there or drive you somewhere it would be more of a nuisance than anything. In addition, I get texts from friends who tell me they typed it and forgot to click send and it's obvious from the text (often amusing) that that is just what occurred.

 

Once you start down the path of "I would do ____" is the path where you end up negative for no reason. You are all individuals. Have no expectations and you will decrease your stress, stomach acid, etc. I will add the exception I and Mirror Knight wrote -if someone commits to help in an action way - and flakes without a darn good excuse then yes that person is not acting in a reliable or thoughtful way whether friend or acquaintance.

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Don't take offense and don't take it personally. Everyone is very busy and preoccupied with their own lives. This is human nature and how society is.

 

I too was taken aback and insulted when friends and acquaintances ignored my problems or my family (or mother's) problems. Then I realized I did the same thing and didn't always remember everyone else's problems, family problems and the like.

 

You need to cut your friends some slack. People can't and won't always drop their lives and run to cater to your every need. It will be unrealistic to expect this.

 

If you're not close to those 2 friends, leave them alone and don't bother. Let them be. No sense getting your feathers ruffled over this.

 

Even if others know about your mother's liver problems, many times, it slips their mind because they're more concerned about their own troubles. Many people are simply indifferent and could care less.

 

Don't count on friends otherwise you'll feel forever disappointed. Lower your expectations to nil. When you no longer expect anything from others, you won't feel hurt anymore.

 

Hope your mother will feel better soon, Eliza50.

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One thing I've learned over time, after repeated disappointments, is that people tend to value and focus on certain things and assume everyone else focuses on the same things so ignoring those things feels like a slight. The reality is that other people might not even think of what you're feeling you're missing.

 

I've done this repeatedly where I felt ignored, marginalized, or devalued because of something that I would never do yo someone else but they did to me. I would later find that what I expected and would be normal behavior for me is actually the exception not the rule.

 

Take a step back, that could be the case here. You can always talk to them about it, say you felt a little uncared for. If you're important to these people they'll make an effort in the future.

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My mother was admitted to hospital yesterday because of liver problems. Two of my closest friends (a married couple) ,haven't called or even messaged me to ask how she's doing.

They know about it because we met last Sunday and I told them she would be hospitalized the next day.

Also, the guy and I work at the same place and he was there when I left work early because of that reason..this was.yesterday and I haven't heard anything from him or his wife since. Not even to ask what the problen was (I didn't know it was the liver yet).

All my other friends have contacted me in some way..everyone but those 2 and another friend we all used to hang out with.

I've posted about her before. Long story but we're not close any more so I wonder if their silence now means they're taking sides or something (I had a chat with her last week and they know about it..I wouldn't tell them myself but she did and they told me so I told them my side of the story)

Perhaps I shouldn't have but her version of what happened was full of lies so I felt I should tell them the truth when they asked.

Any ideas? I feel very disappointed right now as these are people I thought I could count on and I specifically told them this is the story but I know she's also your friend so don't get involved. I would never ask them to pick sides but seems like they have?

 

This was a planned hospitalization, not an emergency rush to the hospital. Cut them slack. In my experience, people don't usually contact people in this situation as to not disturb or bother them. Having been on both ends of this, people wait until they hear/the person initiates contact for a first update. If it had been an emergency, you got the call in front of them that mom was unconscious and you dropped the phone and ran to the hospital, i am sure they would have called. But going in 'planned' to the hospital - do i ask how each and every person's colonoscopy went? Nope.

 

Also, if other friends are friends with these friends, they could have heard second hand. Or because it was planned and not an emergency, they would probably ask the next time they saw you.

 

My take is that you are LOOKING to find fault with them or looking for an excuse to

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My friend called just now, asked about my mother and both he and his wife were wonderful to me. I feel stupid.

I think my anxiety over my mother (+ the situation with our other friend) made me see things that weren't there.

Thank you all for the advice.

 

I'm glad they called and I hope you reread the feedback here because it will help you direct your energy where it needs to be in the future.

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There ya go. Sometimes all that is needed is some patience.

My friend called just now, asked about my mother and both he and his wife were wonderful to me. I feel stupid.

I think my anxiety over my mother (+ the situation with our other friend) made me see things that weren't there.

Thank you all for the advice.

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Just realize people have their own lives and everyone is very busy. If they remember, they'll get back with you eventually.

 

Some people will care, others are indifferent and this is how it people are whether they're friends or not. It's universal. Be realistic.

 

However, I'm glad in the end, your friend eventually called you out of concern and hope your mother will feel better and get better.

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Expectations are premeditated resentments

 

I like this saying because it reminds me to manage my expectations of others and that they are sometimes unrealistic.

 

Life just gets a little easier when we try to have faith in others and don't try to box them into how we think they should behave.

 

I hope your mother is feeling better soon.

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Expect nothing and you won't get hurt.

 

If you expect people to behave honorably and graciously, you'll be forever disappointed, hurt, miffed, disgusted and angry.

 

It's actually better to expect the WORST in people so you'll remain unfazed by any reaction or non-reaction. Then when they actually behave with tact, respect and grace toward you, you'll be pleasantly surprised and touched by their goodwill and sincerity.

 

Change the way you think and you'll feel more secure. This is what I do! :smug: :D

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You have made multiple threads about this woman. Have you ever considered that you are the problem? I'm sorry, but you seem quite dramatic!

 

I don't think I'm dramatic in general (at least I've never been called that)...this is just a bad time for me and I wasn't thinking straight when I started this particular thread, I admit it. As for multiple, well, it was 2 threads in 6 months. It was a situation that developed over time and resulted in us not being friends any more.

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