Jump to content

How to tell a friend that I’m not going to take her to the musical...


Recommended Posts

Oh ok - I just can't relate because I have always taken many people's feelings into consideration, not just an exclusive romantic partner and I make choices that reflect taking other people's feelings into consideration.

 

Oh, so do I. I’m just talking about trying to please them all. Like this friend. Thinking that I need to offer her another musical if I don’t take her to this one. I think we are saying the same thing. I am very, very considerate typically or I try to be, of my friends’ feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 71
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

This is enough of a reason to take someone else. In the past I have been straight up with friends like this by letting them know I want to take someone that I know isn’t going to cancel on me at the last minute. It’s so inconvenient having to scramble around looking for someone else to go in those situations and the people flaking out give zero f$&@ as to how it makes us feel so.....

 

I mean it’s much different if there is a legitimate reason for canceling but in this case it doesn’t seem like it.

 

Thank you!! :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh, so do I. I’m just talking about trying to please them all. Like this friend. Thinking that I need to offer her another musical if I don’t take her to this one. I think we are saying the same thing. I am very, very considerate typically or I try to be, of my friends’ feelings.

 

Oh good- I don't think it's being considerate to try to please everyone at the expense of you feeling ok with it and at the expense of your own values -that is not genuine, that just builds resentment, people can sense when someone is being more of a doormat/people pleaser and will either take advantage or feel turned off in my humble opinion. I don't think you need to offer her another musical in this particular situation. I'd feel differently if she'd already paid for the ticket and arranged transportation there, taken the day off, anything like that relying on you to come through. I understand she seems to have forgotten about it. I think you're fine.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh good- I don't think it's being considerate to try to please everyone at the expense of you feeling ok with it and at the expense of your own values -that is not genuine, that just builds resentment, people can sense when someone is being more of a doormat/people pleaser and will either take advantage or feel turned off in my humble opinion. I don't think you need to offer her another musical in this particular situation. I'd feel differently if she'd already paid for the ticket and arranged transportation there, taken the day off, anything like that relying on you to come through. I understand she seems to have forgotten about it. I think you're fine.

 

Thank you :-) Well, it’s not until the end of the month and she is a very last minute type of person. She will invite me to something at the last minute usually and in this case, she might not text me until two days before and then ask what time we’re leaving for it. That is why if I wait to address it, it could all go up in smoke. Just because she doesn’t text me for a month or two doesn’t mean she won’t expect that we are going.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think you gain everything by that kind of liberation. I still move that you ought to be my therapist, Catfeeder. Do you have a card? [emoji13]

 

Friendship is free.

 

I’m just talking about trying to please them all.

 

Who are 'they all'? When you carry around a habitual peanut gallery as a judge and jury in your mind, the first step in changing that habit it is to identify the 'it'.

 

So who, exactly, are you playing to, beyond the individual you cater to at any given time?

 

Like this friend. Thinking that I need to offer her another musical if I don’t take her to this one. I think we are saying the same thing. I am very, very considerate typically or I try to be, of my friends’ feelings.

 

This is where you can develop better inner negotiation that addresses actual events rather than catering to your peanut gallery. Apparently, you can remember instances of this person slighting you, but you lack the clarity to weigh those in your choices going forward.

 

Your default weight is always against yourself in favor of catering. You believe that this will make 'them' like you better. But just the opposite is true. When you overlook mistreatment rather than raising it as your valid reason for deciding NOT to cater, you teach people that they have zero to lose by mistreating you because you'll always cater no matter what. That just devalues you without really 'pleasing' anyone.

 

People refer to 'keeping score' as though its a bad thing. Sure, it can be misused to justify deliberately mistreating someone in a vindictive way. However, when used to keep balance in a relationship, it's merely an equalizer.

 

For instance, when someone keeps me waiting, that's not something I want to 'punish,' but rather it's a pressure releaser that I will recall should I ever run a few minutes late meeting that person in the future. If someone cancels on me last minute, I'll put that in my pocket in case there's ever a time that I may want to cancel on them someday.

 

This kind of scorekeeping is benign at worst, but can be used properly to take the sting out of other people's faulty behavior. It buys you equality and the ability to let yourself off the hook should you ever fall short of your own bar of perfection in the treatment of this person.

 

But you can't use this equalizer if you're too habitual about keeping a judge and jury in your head that berates you for your own imperfections. So address that, and you'll stress less about becoming an equal in your relationships. You'll gain more respect from those who would otherwise take you for granted, and you'll enjoy an absence of anxiety from second-guessing another's perceptions--because you'll have an inner 'score keeper' that, with practice, can become your pressure reliever rather than your pressure cooker.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Friendship is free.

 

 

 

Who are 'they all'? When you carry around a habitual peanut gallery as a judge and jury in your mind, the first step in changing that habit it is to identify the 'it'.

 

So who, exactly, are you playing to, beyond the individual you cater to at any given time?

 

 

 

This is where you can develop better inner negotiation that addresses actual events rather than catering to your peanut gallery. Apparently, you can remember instances of this person slighting you, but you lack the clarity to weigh those in your choices going forward.

 

Your default weight is always against yourself in favor of catering. You believe that this will make 'them' like you better. But just the opposite is true. When you overlook mistreatment rather than raising it as your valid reason for deciding NOT to cater, you teach people that they have zero to lose by mistreating you because you'll always cater no matter what. That just devalues you without really 'pleasing' anyone.

 

People refer to 'keeping score' as though its a bad thing. Sure, it can be misused to justify deliberately mistreating someone in a vindictive way. However, when used to keep balance in a relationship, it's merely an equalizer.

 

For instance, when someone keeps me waiting, that's not something I want to 'punish,' but rather it's a pressure releaser that I will recall should I ever run a few minutes late meeting that person in the future. If someone cancels on me last minute, I'll put that in my pocket in case there's ever a time that I may want to cancel on them someday.

 

This kind of scorekeeping is benign at worst, but can be used properly to take the sting out of other people's faulty behavior. It buys you equality and the ability to let yourself off the hook should you ever fall short of your own bar of perfection in the treatment of this person.

 

But you can't use this equalizer if you're too habitual about keeping a judge and jury in your head that berates you for your own imperfections. So address that, and you'll stress less about becoming an equal in your relationships. You'll gain more respect from those who would otherwise take you for granted, and you'll enjoy an absence of anxiety from second-guessing another's perceptions--because you'll have an inner 'score keeper' that, with practice, can become your pressure reliever rather than your pressure cooker.

 

You’re right in that I am usually hard on myself. I don’t typically run around trying to please people. In fact, if you asked my family, they would tell you that I do whatever I want to do when they think I “should” be doing whatever else. I don’t join because I ought to. I think when it comes to the people closest to me, aside from my family, I can definitely get hung up on trying to do the right thing. And yes, the equalizer piece should be firmly in place where I can use my free pass if I need to in certain situations, but I don’t usually give myself that luxury. I hold myself to a higher standard with my friends which can often backfire. For example, with this particular friend, I should have several free passes, but even when I had to cancel on some not even firm plans recently due to a work obligation, I felt badly about that. She was fine with it. So, yes, I’m trying to strike that balance. Also, your “friendship is free” statement was sweet :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites
You’re right in that I am usually hard on myself. I don’t typically run around trying to please people. In fact, if you asked my family, they would tell you that I do whatever I want to do when they think I “should” be doing whatever else. I don’t join because I ought to. I think when it comes to the people closest to me, aside from my family, I can definitely get hung up on trying to do the right thing. And yes, the equalizer piece should be firmly in place where I can use my free pass if I need to in certain situations, but I don’t usually give myself that luxury. I hold myself to a higher standard with my friends which can often backfire. For example, with this particular friend, I should have several free passes, but even when I had to cancel on some not even firm plans recently due to a work obligation, I felt badly about that. She was fine with it. So, yes, I’m trying to strike that balance. Also, your “friendship is free” statement was sweet :-)

 

Yes, I'm like you and don't use the free pass BUT I also don't invest extra time on unreliable/flaky people - which feels equalizing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, I'm like you and don't use the free pass BUT I also don't invest extra time on unreliable/flaky people - which feels equalizing.

 

Yep, that's the right idea. You don't necessarily need to use the free pass--it's a mental safety net. So it's not, "She owes me one, so I'll be late next time..." or "Fine, she flaked, so I'll flake back..." It's more like having a stressor removed if you're ever caught in traffic or need to cancel something for good reasons of your own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yep, that's the right idea. You don't necessarily need to use the free pass--it's a mental safety net. So it's not, "She owes me one, so I'll be late next time..." or "Fine, she flaked, so I'll flake back..." It's more like having a stressor removed if you're ever caught in traffic or need to cancel something for good reasons of your own.

 

Yes, kind of. It's just that I wouldn't do it carelessly/thoughtlessly just because someone else has. Yes I was stood up completely once by a new friend and you are right I didn't feel as badly when I had to cancel because the previous appointment ran late and traffic issues -totally out of my control. I get it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
You’re right in that I am usually hard on myself.

 

Yes, that's why it's important to identify 'who' you are catering to. 'Who' is the mental voice running in your head that you are trying to please?

 

Consider what people mean by the phrase 'higher Self'. Explore whether you believe that the highest intelligence that drives you is beneficent and forgiving and on your side, or whether it's a harsh, judgmental saboteur of your peace.

 

A coach on my job wrote a book about taking 21 days to change a habit. He suggested that we write and keep a running list of any habits we want to change, and then to pick only one at a time to tackle so that we don't glom them together into a giant abstraction. Nobody can tackle abstractions.

 

So I picked the habitual voice that I run in my own head as my first target for change, because it drives ALL of my perceptions and experiences. My default voice was harsh and critical. It positioned me to be uncomfortable with every decision and behavior, and I spent too much energy catering to the anxiety it caused me. So I opted to switch this voice into one of a positive, encouraging, and inspiring coach who was on my side. I adopted quick and simple mantras to inject into my resistance throughout my days, such as, "I've got this." or "I can do this." or "I'm not in charge of how he or she wants to view this." or "Unplug." or "I can deal with any outcome, so don't project."

 

Not only did changing this one habit change my own perceptions about everything in my life, it also changed the very nature of 'who' I was dealing with on a daily basis. I stopped feeling like I was going it alone while carrying an enemy around. I stopped feeling so critical about myself any everyone else, and I started to view others through a kinder lens that reflected back to me a gentler experience of my world.

 

Today, encountering a complaint is an anomaly rather than something I've pre-projected onto every situation. It's also something I can handle, calmly and without jumping into auto defense. This is helpful, because I can address the real feelings behind the complaint. I can ask questions rather than justify, and I can either apologize and make it right, or I can explain any misunderstandings as I see them.

 

When you can credit yourself--and others--for an ability to handle any outcome, you won't waste energy and your stomach lining on trying to anticipate outcomes and control them.

 

That's liberation. It's not about controlling others or their perceptions. Its about knowing your Self and making peace and friendship with your inner voice--your driver.

 

Also, your “friendship is free” statement was sweet :-)

 

So are you. : )

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, that's why it's important to identify 'who' you are catering to. 'Who' is the mental voice running in your head that you are trying to please?

 

Consider what people mean by the phrase 'higher Self'. Explore whether you believe that the highest intelligence that drives you is beneficent and forgiving and on your side, or whether it's a harsh, judgmental saboteur of your peace.

 

A coach on my job wrote a book about taking 21 days to change a habit. He suggested that we write and keep a running list of any habits we want to change, and then to pick only one at a time to tackle so that we don't glom them together into a giant abstraction. Nobody can tackle abstractions.

 

So I picked the habitual voice that I run in my own head as my first target for change, because it drives ALL of my perceptions and experiences. My default voice was harsh and critical. It positioned me to be uncomfortable with every decision and behavior, and I spent too much energy catering to the anxiety it caused me. So I opted to switch this voice into one of a positive, encouraging, and inspiring coach who was on my side. I adopted quick and simple mantras to inject into my resistance throughout my days, such as, "I've got this." or "I can do this." or "I'm not in charge of how he or she wants to view this." or "Unplug." or "I can deal with any outcome, so don't project."

 

Not only did changing this one habit change my own perceptions about everything in my life, it also changed the very nature of 'who' I was dealing with on a daily basis. I stopped feeling like I was going it alone while carrying an enemy around. I stopped feeling so critical about myself any everyone else, and I started to view others through a kinder lens that reflected back to me a gentler experience of my world.

 

Today, encountering a complaint is an anomaly rather than something I've pre-projected onto every situation. It's also something I can handle, calmly and without jumping into auto defense. This is helpful, because I can address the real feelings behind the complaint. I can ask questions rather than justify, and I can either apologize and make it right, or I can explain any misunderstandings as I see them.

 

When you can credit yourself--and others--for an ability to handle any outcome, you won't waste energy and your stomach lining on trying to anticipate outcomes and control them.

 

That's liberation. It's not about controlling others or their perceptions. Its about knowing your Self and making peace and friendship with your inner voice--your driver.

 

 

 

So are you. : )

 

This is amazing, Catfeeder, thank you!! I am in the process of really doing a lot of personal growth. Not being in a relationship has really helped with this but I have a lot of opportunities to practice this in the day to day in my personal relationships. I find that to be the perfect practice ground for me because it’s the area of my life (the heart stuff) that can be the most challenging. I am a big fan of trying to make small changes at a time and be really consistent. Sometimes I am successful and other times not. For instance, I decided to do a daily meditation practice and made it to Day 1. Lol. I still endeavor to do that, but I have been successful with other things. I have enough desire to grow in this way that I can stick to changing one thing at a time and be really dedicated to it :-) Thank you again!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Try not to obsess about what other people think. Do your own thing, go with your personal preferences and respect your choices for your own reasons.

 

With some people, if you try to be with people whom you're naturally uncomfortable with or have a dark, bad vibe about them, they'll distort everything you say anyway. It's best to only be with people who are uncomplicated and overall nice. Avoid being with unpredictable but predictable volatile personalities and characters. They're too unstable which will create unnecessary drama. You don't need it. Eliminate certain complex people from your life if you want peace of mind and unbridled joy.

 

In this world, too many people fret over what the other person thinks which distorts your original reasons and choices that you've made.

 

Some people whether it's friends, family (relatives / in-laws) or acquaintances are worth keeping in your life because they treat you as if you matter. If you're NOT treated right with utmost respect, kindness and as if you matter, it's time to release them from your life. You can still remain civil should your paths cross but you have every right to associate or not associate with certain people no matter who they are.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I decided to do a daily meditation practice and made it to Day 1. Lol. I still endeavor to do that,

 

Start with one minute. One. If you find yourself relaxing into it, great, but don't stretch it beyond 2 minutes until it has become a daily habit for at least a week. Otherwise, you'll feel a day of pride in reaching 10 minutes, but then you'll skip it after that because you don't have the 10 minutes.

 

One minute is the baby step of transition into carving a manageable space in your daily routines. If you use the minute for mind spins that aren't exactly relaxing, so be it. Just carve out the time and make relaxing into the single minute your goal.

 

At first you'll be hyper for the full minute. So congratulate yourself for sitting hyper for a minute and maybe add another try in the afternoon or night time. Next day do it again at the same time in the morning, then pick random times throughout the day to try it a second time.

 

This will teach you your best times for relaxation rather than trying to force a time that isn't good for you. Each day you can sit at least ONE minute, it's a win. The second minute is optional to learn your own best time(s) of day.

 

Don't attempt complex mantras or rituals. Stick with a simple sound like, "Ohm." You don't need to say it outwardly. If your voice distracts you, just say it mentally. Place your focus on your heart--always. Any suggestions that you work on any other chakra are, IMO, misguided, because the heart is the primary chakra for safely activating all others. The heart will do that FOR you if you remain focused on it and nowhere else.

 

Begin by following your breath and slow it down. One method is a popular exercise among therapists for treating anxiety; it's called square breathing. You can look it up. It slows your heart rate by slowing your breathing. Breathe in to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breathe out to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4. Keep doing this until your breathing slows. Begin repeating your mantra to the slow flow of your breathing as you follow your breath.

 

Thank your Self for the minute before going about your day or before going to sleep at night.

 

One minute a day is plenty to anchor the habit. Don't plan on doing more for a week or two, but only if you've been consistent with the one minute.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Start with one minute. One. If you find yourself relaxing into it, great, but don't stretch it beyond 2 minutes until it has become a daily habit for at least a week. Otherwise, you'll feel a day of pride in reaching 10 minutes, but then you'll skip it after that because you don't have the 10 minutes.

 

One minute is the baby step of transition into carving a manageable space in your daily routines. If you use the minute for mind spins that aren't exactly relaxing, so be it. Just carve out the time and make relaxing into the single minute your goal.

 

At first you'll be hyper for the full minute. So congratulate yourself for sitting hyper for a minute and maybe add another try in the afternoon or night time. Next day do it again at the same time in the morning, then pick random times throughout the day to try it a second time.

 

This will teach you your best times for relaxation rather than trying to force a time that isn't good for you. Each day you can sit at least ONE minute, it's a win. The second minute is optional to learn your own best time(s) of day.

 

Don't attempt complex mantras or rituals. Stick with a simple sound like, "Ohm." You don't need to say it outwardly. If your voice distracts you, just say it mentally. Place your focus on your heart--always. Any suggestions that you work on any other chakra are, IMO, misguided, because the heart is the primary chakra for safely activating all others. The heart will do that FOR you if you remain focused on it and nowhere else.

 

Begin by following your breath and slow it down. One method is a popular exercise among therapists for treating anxiety; it's called square breathing. You can look it up. It slows your heart rate by slowing your breathing. Breathe in to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, breathe out to a count of 4, hold for a count of 4. Keep doing this until your breathing slows. Begin repeating your mantra to the slow flow of your breathing as you follow your breath.

 

Thank your Self for the minute before going about your day or before going to sleep at night.

 

One minute a day is plenty to anchor the habit. Don't plan on doing more for a week or two, but only if you've been consistent with the one minute.

 

Catfeeder, do you have all of the answers to all things? Thank you!! I can actually meditate for like 30-40 minutes but I can’t usually carve that time into my day consistently and so I love your idea, thank you! I will start small but every day. Thank you again!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Try not to obsess about what other people think. Do your own thing, go with your personal preferences and respect your choices for your own reasons.

 

With some people, if you try to be with people whom you're naturally uncomfortable with or have a dark, bad vibe about them, they'll distort everything you say anyway. It's best to only be with people who are uncomplicated and overall nice. Avoid being with unpredictable but predictable volatile personalities and characters. They're too unstable which will create unnecessary drama. You don't need it. Eliminate certain complex people from your life if you want peace of mind and unbridled joy.

 

In this world, too many people fret over what the other person thinks which distorts your original reasons and choices that you've made.

 

Some people whether it's friends, family (relatives / in-laws) or acquaintances are worth keeping in your life because they treat you as if you matter. If you're NOT treated right with utmost respect, kindness and as if you matter, it's time to release them from your life. You can still remain civil should your paths cross but you have every right to associate or not associate with certain people no matter who they are.

 

Thank you, Cherylyn :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, I had to update you all on this!! I saw this friend last night and she said, “Hey, remember we are going to that event next weekend.” And I said, “Ummm, do you remember that that musical is in town at the end of the month?” And she said, no, and changed the subject [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] Yeah, that went really well!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Okay, I had to update you all on this!! I saw this friend last night and she said, “Hey, remember we are going to that event next weekend.” And I said, “Ummm, do you remember that that musical is in town at the end of the month?” And she said, no, and changed the subject [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] Yeah, that went really well!!!

 

I don't understand the exchange. She raised the event, and was your response about something else? i don't get it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't understand the exchange. She raised the event, and was your response about something else? i don't get it.

 

There are two events. There was one that I am supposed to go to with her in the next week. Then there is the one she wanted me to take her to. When I saw her the other day, she reminded me that I told her I would go with her to this thing on the weekend. And I was going to bring up the other event to tell her that I wasn’t going to take her to that because I knew I couldn’t just let it go as she remembers everything and I anticipated that she would be contacting me and asking me about the details, etc. Only when I brought up the musical, anticipating that I was going to greatly upset her with my honesty, she had not only totally forgotten that we had discussed going together, but she had no interest in it any longer so it worked out perfectly!! As for the friendship, it remains tepid. I think we will always know each other in one way or another, but we don’t spend much time together anymore. Anyway, it all worked out for the best. I didn’t have to hurt her feelings and I am still going to the musical with the person I really want to go with and so it’s a win-win.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There are two events. There was one that I am supposed to go to with her in the next week. Then there is the one she wanted me to take her to. When I saw her the other day, she reminded me that I told her I would go with her to this thing on the weekend. And I was going to bring up the other event to tell her that I wasn’t going to take her to that because I knew I couldn’t just let it go as she remembers everything and I anticipated that she would be contacting me and asking me about the details, etc. Only when I brought up the musical, anticipating that I was going to greatly upset her with my honesty, she had not only totally forgotten that we had discussed going together, but she had no interest in it any longer so it worked out perfectly!! As for the friendship, it remains tepid. I think we will always know each other in one way or another, but we don’t spend much time together anymore. Anyway, it all worked out for the best. I didn’t have to hurt her feelings and I am still going to the musical with the person I really want to go with and so it’s a win-win.

 

Great! Yay, you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...