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How to tell a friend that I’m not going to take her to the musical...


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Hi, all-

 

It’s a long story really, but simple. I have a friend that really wanted me to take her to a musical that is coming to town. I told her a long time ago that I would take her when it’s back in Lincoln. Now, it’s coming back to Lincoln, but our friendship has just been tepid. She has blown me off several times and just doesn’t really make an effort in the friendship. I decided that I wanted to maybe stop trying and putting in all of the effort and I also decided that I was going to take another friend to this musical. The first friend and I hadn’t spoken for months when I made this decision. Of course, after I made this decision, she has reached out but she has never mentioned the musical which is at the end of this month.

 

I definitely don’t want to hurt her feelings but I also don’t want to go with her.

 

I would never normally ever go back on my word. There are a couple of possible choices (and getting her a ticket to go too isn’t an option for many reasons):

 

1) Tell her that I’m not taking her which will absolutely result in her never speaking to me again and never forgiving me. She is majorly triggered by anyone being more “important” than her.

 

2) Actually, I have no idea what the other options are. If I spare her feelings and tell her that I am not going and she ends up going and sees me there, that will be dishonest and not cool of me either.

 

Any ideas? If you want to tell me what a bad friend I am, I promise you, I have gone balls out for this friendship. I put a LOT into it and gotten very little energy in return just FYI.

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I think that since you made a promise, you should keep it, no matter how inconvenient it may be That's my input. ;)

 

Ugh, I am all about doing the right thing, Sarah, I really am. But I have already asked this other friend and really do want to go with her. I thought that maybe I could offer to take her to another show in another city while it’s in Nebraska. Not convenient, but it would put it right. For example, the next day, it’s two hours away.

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I wouldn't mention a thing. If she does, call her out on how she's been treating your friendship. You can honestly let her know that you have taken offense to her lack of attention/communication. Give examples of being blown off, etc. She needs to hear it. And with all that you can tell her that you had already made arrangements to go with someone else. TBH there is nothing wrong with moving on and abandoning a friendship. There are times you just out grow each other, and go in you own direction. I myself have ditched friendships for various reason..and they were all healthy choices.

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She hasn’t asked about the musical... so just keep mum and move on. If she does ask, say something like “oh, I forgot about that! We hadn’t spoken for ages. What about meeting for coffee instead and catching up?”

 

Great idea, MLD, but I know she will bring it up because she put it in her calendar [emoji17] basically, I kind of effed this up and either have to put it right somehow or just be okay with the fact that I don’t want to go with her.

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I wouldn't mention a thing. If she does, call her out on how she's been treating your friendship. You can honestly let her know that you have taken offense to her lack of attention/communication. Give examples of being blown off, etc. She needs to hear it. And with all that you can tell her that you had already made arrangements to go with someone else. TBH there is nothing wrong with moving on and abandoning a friendship. There are times you just out grow each other, and go in you own direction. I myself have ditched friendships for various reason..and they were all healthy choices.

 

Yes, also a great point. We have just known each other for a long time and truly, I wouldn’t call it a healthy friendship but I do love her and don’t want to hurt her. But yes, I have felt on many occasions that I needed to move on from it which I how I felt when I made this decision. TBH, I really didn’t even think we would speak again if I didn’t reach out. But she reached out (of course!!) after I made the decision to walk away from trying to nurture our friendship and put in all of the effort.

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These situations are difficult for me. Since she hasn't mentioned the musical, I would not mention it at all. Frankly it doesn't seem that she's very invested in your friendship at all. She appears to be more self-absorbed than anything else (your comment about her being triggered if anyone seems more important....). Ask your other friend to go, and enjoy the musical. It's unlikely you'd run into the 'original' friend but if you do, just smile, say hi, and keep walking.

 

It seems that original friendship has run its course. And either way, you really don't owe her anything - you made the promise when your friendship was more solid, if I understand clearly. Also it was a "promise" about seeing a musical together - not a promise that you'd keep a deep family secret and now you're telling everyone. There are level of promises. Things change - friends often grow apart. Life is too short to throw ourselves at "friends" when we get little to nothing in return. Just my thought.

 

Please keep us posted on what you decide and how things go. I wish you the best!

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These situations are difficult for me. Since she hasn't mentioned the musical, I would not mention it at all. Frankly it doesn't seem that she's very invested in your friendship at all. She appears to be more self-absorbed than anything else (your comment about her being triggered if anyone seems more important....). Ask your other friend to go, and enjoy the musical. It's unlikely you'd run into the 'original' friend but if you do, just smile, say hi, and keep walking.

 

It seems that original friendship has run its course. And either way, you really don't owe her anything - you made the promise when your friendship was more solid, if I understand clearly. Also it was a "promise" about seeing a musical together - not a promise that you'd keep a deep family secret and now you're telling everyone. There are level of promises. Things change - friends often grow apart. Life is too short to throw ourselves at "friends" when we get little to nothing in return. Just my thought.

 

Please keep us posted on what you decide and how things go. I wish you the best!

 

Thank you, mines!!

 

Yes, she isn’t invested in our friendship. I know that we all have our lives and I have many friends, even my best friend who I don’t talk to all the time, but we speak often and both put energy and care into the friendship. That is all I ask. That I’m not always the one putting in the effort to spend time. I do feel a little obligated to make up for this f-up on my part but I hear what you are saying and appreciate it!!

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Go with the friend you prefer going with. Life is far too short to spend your free time with someone you feel “tepid” about. Next time this type of thing comes about just answer something vague and don’t make any commitments with one person. She sounds a tad full of herself anyway. No one wants to be around that.

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Go with the friend you prefer going with. Life is far too short to spend your free time with someone you feel “tepid” about. Next time this type of thing comes about just answer something vague and don’t make any commitments with one person. She sounds a tad full of herself anyway. No one wants to be around that.

 

I agree. Do not put any more thought into this. Remember, you are trying to distance yourself.

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Go with the friend you prefer going with. Life is far too short to spend your free time with someone you feel “tepid” about. Next time this type of thing comes about just answer something vague and don’t make any commitments with one person. She sounds a tad full of herself anyway. No one wants to be around that.

 

Thank you, Rose Mosse. Yes, I totally spoke impulsively and shouldn’t have. She is very full of ego and I know that many of us can be at times and I don’t at all fault her for being how she is. I just hate to hurt people but you are right. Thank you.

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I agree. Do not put any more thought into this. Remember, you are trying to distance yourself.

 

Thank you, Holly- I spent many years not wanting to distance myself from people that I needed to because I never wanted them to feel badly. But I am better at being selective now. I am supposed to see her for something she invited me to at the end of the month ago which makes this tricky. Her boyfriend didn’t want to go to this thing and so she asked me which makes me feel doubly bad but again, all of that inviting took place way back when we were hanging out more... so I will have to figure out how to maneuvre that as well.

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It’s ok. This sounds like a fun concert. You should be happy. There’s nothing to worry about and you should go out and enjoy yourselves. This all will pass and there will be more events to spend with other friends like this other one. There’s only so much you can do to make up for someone else’s not so nice personality. Go and have fun. Be free.

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Thank you, Holly- I spent many years not wanting to distance myself from people that I needed to because I never wanted them to feel badly. But I am better at being selective now. I am supposed to see her for something she invited me to at the end of the month ago which makes this tricky. Her boyfriend didn’t want to go to this thing and so she asked me which makes me feel doubly bad but again, all of that inviting took place way back when we were hanging out more... so I will have to figure out how to maneuvre that as well.

 

Did she buy tickets? Has she mentioned it?

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If she hasn't mentioned the musical, and hasn't been in touch for months, she's probably forgotten all about it. Don't say anything more about it, and if she raises it as an issue, pretend you'd forgotten. As mustlovedogs suggests, go out for a coffee instead.

 

I have a (now) ex-friend who used to treat me in a very cavalier fashion unless she wanted something; I participated in the 'friendship' largely because I'd known her for years and years, and then at times I'd just get fed up and write her off. On very rare occasions I'd get a call from her, and the contact would resume, with the same outcomes. Last time I saw her she was just SO obnoxious I decided that enough was enough; was polite when she next phoned but didn't agree to meet, and didn't leave her with any contact details when I moved house. That was about six years ago.

 

I guess I had some unconscious idea that if you've known someone for a long time you have some kind of duty to them. You really don't.

 

You may have said you'd take her to the show, and it would be different if she'd paid for the ticket and you'd taken care of the actual purchase - but it sounds as though this was planned in your own mind as a treat. This is the kind of treat which might be appropriate for someone you're close to, but it sounds as though she's chosen to keep her distance - and that's on her. Basically - you owe her nothing, and there's no need to feel guilty for not upholding your side of a bargain which probably never mattered to her in the first place.

 

You sound very conscientious and thoughtful about your friendships, and it's easy to think that other people are, too. It doesn't sound as though this girl cares about the friendship the way you do, so don't feel obligated to her.

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Did she buy tickets? Has she mentioned it?

 

No, I bought the tickets and she hasn’t mentioned it once. Oh, sorry! For the other event? Yes, she already had tickets. She had planned to go with her boyfriend but decided he wouldn’t appreciate it so she asked me. Actually, two of our other friends bought four tickets, two for them and two for my friend and her bf, originally.

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If she hasn't mentioned the musical, and hasn't been in touch for months, she's probably forgotten all about it. Don't say anything more about it, and if she raises it as an issue, pretend you'd forgotten. As mustlovedogs suggests, go out for a coffee instead.

 

I have a (now) ex-friend who used to treat me in a very cavalier fashion unless she wanted something; I participated in the 'friendship' largely because I'd known her for years and years, and then at times I'd just get fed up and write her off. On very rare occasions I'd get a call from her, and the contact would resume, with the same outcomes. Last time I saw her she was just SO obnoxious I decided that enough was enough; was polite when she next phoned but didn't agree to meet, and didn't leave her with any contact details when I moved house. That was about six years ago.

 

I guess I had some unconscious idea that if you've known someone for a long time you have some kind of duty to them. You really don't.

 

You may have said you'd take her to the show, and it would be different if she'd paid for the ticket and you'd taken care of the actual purchase - but it sounds as though this was planned in your own mind as a treat. This is the kind of treat which might be appropriate for someone you're close to, but it sounds as though she's chosen to keep her distance - and that's on her. Basically - you owe her nothing, and there's no need to feel guilty for not upholding your side of a bargain which probably never mattered to her in the first place.

 

You sound very conscientious and thoughtful about your friendships, and it's easy to think that other people are, too. It doesn't sound as though this girl cares about the friendship the way you do, so don't feel obligated to her.

 

Thank you, nutbrownhare :-) Yeah, these things can be hard!! I never want to hurt people but I also want to surround myself with healthy and positive friendships. Thank you for your anecdote as well!!

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You could say you forgot about the other event, and you are not available. Maybe, she can take someone else. There is no obligation, there was no money out of her pocket. Do you really want to go? The other friends will be there.

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You could say you forgot about the other event, and you are not available. Maybe, she can take someone else. There is no obligation, there was no money out of her pocket. Do you really want to go? The other friends will be there.

 

She has mentioned it in the last month but yes, she could totally just take her boyfriend as originally planned. It would be no skin off her nose, but again, lose lose as she will feel hurt that I bailed on her. Either way leads to us not being friends anymore it seems.

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She has mentioned it in the last month but yes, she could totally just take her boyfriend as originally planned. It would be no skin off her nose, but again, lose lose as she will feel hurt that I bailed on her. Either way leads to us not being friends anymore it seems.

 

Maybe, this is your out of the relationship.

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