Is this sexual assault?

[itsbannapple]

Thinking back to my last relationship that ended 2 years ago. It was a very toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. I was cheated on multiple times and treated with so much disrespect. Something that bothers me often when I think about it is when I had lost my virginity to him when we started dating 3 years ago. He was my first boyfriend and my only relationship. I still feel scared to date because of him. When I lost my virginity to him I told him we need to go purchase condoms because I wasn't in any way going to have sex unless we were protected. When we got back to the house and had sex, without me knowing he had secretly took off the condom. He didn't tell me this until about a month or so later, saying he did this the first few times we ever had sex. We had stopped using condoms after I got on birth control (very stupid idea, I know. I was so naive and dumb.) He would tell me he hates condoms and he can't get hard with them so I allowed it after I was on birth control. I just remember him laughing about how he used to take them off without me knowing and thought it was funny. I told him it wasn't and I was upset about it. I keep reading stuff online about how it was rape and assault but in my mind I refuse to think I was actually raped. I feel violated when I think about what he had done and sometimes I cry over it. I just don't want to be put into that catogory.

[Annia]

Have you been STD tested after that?

 

And yes, I consider it assault and I'm very sorry you've been through it.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hi itsbannapple,

 

Firstly, from a moral and ethical perspective, I definitely consider this sexual assault and would describe your ex as a sexual predator. Legally, it really depends on the jurisdiction, and if you have any questions along that line I would recommend talking to a local lawyer. I would also echo the sound advice to get tested, if you haven't already, especially giving his proclivity for cheating,

 

Ultimately, however, if you don't want to be put in 'that category', you don't have to be. Maybe it is more useful for you to think of it as part of the emotional abuse you suffered. How you identify that trauma, and how you choose to move forward is yours to decide. I believe most sexual assault support services would consider this adequate to offer support to you. Whatever the label, this had a lasting, painful effect on you and continues to effect your relationships today. Please know, there is help and support available to you and I encourage you to seek it out; whether it be through friends and family, free counselling networks in your area, or with a paid professional.

 

I really hope you can heal from this and move forward. He is not worth your pain.

 

T

[TeeDee]

What he did was reprehensible but it doesn't rise to the level of a crime. I'm glad you are not with such a toxic person any more.

[smackie9]

It's not rape, it's a breach of trust. On a positive note, this experience has made you wise/aware, and you will take this with you into your next relationship when you are ready. You know what a toxic relationship/bad BF is, so it's doubtful you will get involved with someone like that again. You will be cautious enough to protect yourself. You just need some confidence in yourself that you will do ok.

[SarahLancaster]

Certainly it's not a 'sexual assault.' Let's not throw this term around lightly. As Smackie said, it was a breach of trust and quite underhanded. And he's a world class jerk for thinking it was funny. Please exercise discretion with your next boyfriend.

[j.man]

In the sense that you were ultimately fine with having sex and that it at least appears to be that you didn't wind up pregnant or with an STD, I don't see the benefit in putting any particular effort in looking back just to be able to identify as a survivor of sexual sexual assault.

 

That said, whether it's a woman going off birth control behind a guy's back or a dude slipping off a condom, I am someone who believes consent is predicated on the contraceptive being in the equation, and thus it's been violated. How mild or extreme you want to term it from there is up to you. I generally don't make that my hill to die on. I obviously wouldn't put it up there with date rape or anything, but I do think people who pull that kind of **** are categorically scum. I wouldn't be able to trust the person again.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been scolded by zealous members before for offering legal background or information regarding sexual assault, but my primary concern is that people fail to report instances of sexual assault. I understand the reality of the current system across all jurisdictions means that these complaints are not handled ideally in the vast majority of cases. However, as I have pointed out before, I sincerely and honestly believe that the path to a better system comes from people reporting. I am not offering any legal advice. As I already stated, if you want to know the situation in your jurisdiction, you need to talk to a lawyer or the police (and even then, they are not infallible either).

 

With all that said, in Assange v Swedish Prosecution Authority [2011] EWHC 2849, the High Court in the UK did hold at [85] - [91], that removing a condom during sex where consent was predicated on the wearing of a condom did amount to an offence (sexual assault) under The Sexual Offences Act 2003 in the UK. That case was an extradition case, and I am not aware of any direct prosectuion for this in the UK, however that is persuasive precedent in that jurisdiction. Furthermore, High Court decision in the UK are persuasive in all common-law jurisdictions, including the US, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.

 

Again, I AM NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR CASE. But please, if any woman finds themselves in this situation IN THE FUTURE - you do not have to write if off as 'bad behaviour' about which nothing can be done. You may have a legal case, and if you have the will and the inclination you should not be discouraged from pursuing that as far as possible.

 

Ultimately, I just want these ********* out of general circulation.

 

Anyway, not trying to hiijack, just something that gets my waters up,

 

T

[Hollyj]

Horrible. He sounds like a real POS! Please get tested.

 

 

Why is this coming up after two years? Did you receive counseling for this relationship to understand why you stayed?

[Hollyj]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been scolded by zealous members before for offering legal background or information regarding sexual assault, but my primary concern is that people fail to report instances of sexual assault. I understand the reality of the current system across all jurisdictions means that these complaints are not handled ideally in the vast majority of cases. However, as I have pointed out before, I sincerely and honestly believe that the path to a better system comes from people reporting. I am not offering any legal advice. As I already stated, if you want to know the situation in your jurisdiction, you need to talk to a lawyer or the police (and even then, they are not infallible either).

 

With all that said, in Assange v Swedish Prosecution Authority [2011] EWHC 2849, the High Court in the UK did hold at [85] - [91], that removing a condom during sex where consent was predicated on the wearing of a condom did amount to an offence (sexual assault) under The Sexual Offences Act 2003 in the UK. That case was an extradition case, and I am not aware of any direct prosectuion for this in the UK, however that is persuasive precedent in that jurisdiction. Furthermore, High Court decision in the UK are persuasive in all common-law jurisdictions, including the US, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.

 

Again, I AM NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR CASE. But please, if any woman finds themselves in this situation IN THE FUTURE - you do not have to write if off as 'bad behaviour' about which nothing can be done. You may have a legal case, and if you have the will and the inclination you should not be discouraged from pursuing that as far as possible.

 

Ultimately, I just want these ********* out of general circulation.

 

Anyway, not trying to hiijack, just something that gets my waters up,

 

T

But, she continued sleeping with this guy after she knew he did it.

[SarahLancaster]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been scolded by zealous members before for offering legal background or information regarding sexual assault, but my primary concern is that people fail to report instances of sexual assault. I understand the reality of the current system across all jurisdictions means that these complaints are not handled ideally in the vast majority of cases. However, as I have pointed out before, I sincerely and honestly believe that the path to a better system comes from people reporting. I am not offering any legal advice. As I already stated, if you want to know the situation in your jurisdiction, you need to talk to a lawyer or the police (and even then, they are not infallible either).

 

With all that said, in Assange v Swedish Prosecution Authority [2011] EWHC 2849, the High Court in the UK did hold at [85] - [91], that removing a condom during sex where consent was predicated on the wearing of a condom did amount to an offence (sexual assault) under The Sexual Offences Act 2003 in the UK. That case was an extradition case, and I am not aware of any direct prosectuion for this in the UK, however that is persuasive precedent in that jurisdiction. Furthermore, High Court decision in the UK are persuasive in all common-law jurisdictions, including the US, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.

 

Again, I AM NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR CASE. But please, if any woman finds themselves in this situation IN THE FUTURE - you do not have to write if off as 'bad behaviour' about which nothing can be done. You may have a legal case, and if you have the will and the inclination you should not be discouraged from pursuing that as far as possible.

 

Ultimately, I just want these ********* out of general circulation.

 

Anyway, not trying to hiijack, just something that gets my waters up,

 

T

 

That's interesting. Would it also be considered sexual assault if the women lied about being on birth control and she got pregnant? A slippery slope, to be sure.

[Wiseman2]

Yes he's a jerk. Have you gotten therapy for dealing with this. That's your best recourse at this point. It sounds like you were naive and he was coercive and took advantage.. That practice is called "stealthing". The bottom line is to get therapy and move on from this since legally there is nothing you can do about it now.

[WaywardKiwi]

But, she continued sleeping with this guy after she knew he did it.

 

That's interesting. Would it also be considered sexual assault if the women lied about being on birth control and she got pregnant? A slippery slope, to be sure.

 

Hey Holly and Sarah,

 

As I said, I am really cognizant of hiijacking the thread, so I started a new thread for general discussion of issues relating to sexual assault. I replied there, check it out if you are so inclined:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561562&p=7159865#post7159865

 

Thanks,

 

T

[catfeeder]

I just don't want to be put into that catogory.

 

You get to decide how you want to frame every experience you have, so choose one that benefits you. Choose whether you'll want to move forward with a victimized belief that you are a the mercy of other people's lousy judgment, or whether you will replace their judgment with your own. Decide whether you will damage yourself by spinning yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, or whether you will consider the lessons your experiences can teach you in order to build the confidence to move forward.

 

We each make the choice between adopting resilience or harming ourselves with rumination and stagnation.

 

Choose wisely.