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Please help me move on from a crush


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Hi everyone. So I have a crush on this girl I met through my gym whom I see once a week. Ever since I had my first conversation with her I've been kind of infatuated with her. My heart flutters every time I see her and hear her voice. The problem however is that I'm one month out of a break up, and I also think this girl only likes me as a friend. So I want to move on from her.

 

I tried not communicating with her at the gym to move on, then I figured that I would come off as hostile to her and I really don't want to make her uncomfortable by coming off as passive aggressive.

 

So my plan was to text and her let her know what's going on, that I like her but I want to move on, so I won't be talking to her as much for a while and not to take it personally.

 

Do you guys think this is a good idea? If not please let me know what I can do about this.

 

Attending a different gym or on different days is not an option for me for various reasons.

 

Thanks.

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No. You're not even dating no less in a relationship and she's not your therapist, so no need to go into any of this. Be friendly, maybe have a coffee, but no heavy talks. keep it light and if the time comes, ask her out.. Never talk about exes, your broken heart or relationship problems with someone you wish to date.

I'm one month out of a break up, and I also think this girl only likes me as a friend.

So my plan was to text and her let her know what's going on, that I like her but I want to move on, so I won't be talking to her as much for a while and not to take it personally.

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I know what you are trying to do...see what kind of reaction you might get from her that could look promising. Just stop. If you like her, you ask her out. and like Wiseman2 mentioned, no heavy emotional conversations about the breakup or anything else that is negative...such a turn off. You must be confident, upbeat and positive...and be a little mysterious. Remember only cowards send text messages...talk to her in person.

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Hey Heartremedy,

 

Firstly, take some comfort in being self-aware enough to recognise you are not ready to date just yet, and that your crush is not really helping you move forward. I can relate to your post; like you, I tend to crush and I understand how it can actually be an obstacle to working on yourself.

 

My advice would be to focus on your workout, even push up the intensity, give yourself no time to socialise at the gym. You can exchange a friendly "hi" in passing, but otherwise redirect your energy into your exercises. You are at the gym, so should be no issue with not communicating seeming hostile/passive aggressive if you are focussing on what you are doing. Then move on with your day.

 

You obviously got her number at some point. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole you've gone with communicating outside the gym, but I would just limit your responses. Don't be rude, but just remember your main focus is moving forward for yourself. Don't initiate, and give simple answers to any questions. If you truly don't want to pursue anything with this girl, then she will pick up on you not being interested.

 

The real question, as others have pointed out, is do you really want to move on from this crush? If so, you probably have to move toward a no-contact type situation (by just ratcheting down contact and communication to zero over time). I understand you want to continue to be friendly, but I'll be honest, in my experience, it is nigh impossible to maintain a pure friendship with a crush. In your current, freshly single state, I would recommend putting a pretty solid barrier up in this situation.

 

Just my 2 cents,

 

T

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Hey Heartremedy,

 

Firstly, take some comfort in being self-aware enough to recognise you are not ready to date just yet, and that your crush is not really helping you move forward. I can relate to your post; like you, I tend to crush and I understand how it can actually be an obstacle to working on yourself.

 

My advice would be to focus on your workout, even push up the intensity, give yourself no time to socialise at the gym. You can exchange a friendly "hi" in passing, but otherwise redirect your energy into your exercises. You are at the gym, so should be no issue with not communicating seeming hostile/passive aggressive if you are focussing on what you are doing. Then move on with your day.

 

You obviously got her number at some point. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole you've gone with communicating outside the gym, but I would just limit your responses. Don't be rude, but just remember your main focus is moving forward for yourself. Don't initiate, and give simple answers to any questions. If you truly don't want to pursue anything with this girl, then she will pick up on you not being interested.

 

The real question, as others have pointed out, is do you really want to move on from this crush? If so, you probably have to move toward a no-contact type situation (by just ratcheting down contact and communication to zero over time). I understand you want to continue to be friendly, but I'll be honest, in my experience, it is nigh impossible to maintain a pure friendship with a crush. In your current, freshly single state, I would recommend putting a pretty solid barrier up in this situation.

 

Just my 2 cents,

 

T

 

Hi thank you so much.

 

We've DMed each other alot. They were almost always initiated by her. I would always be the one to end the conversation and she would initiate again. One day however she stopped initiating and we haven't DMed each other ever since.

 

Do I want to move on? Yes. I think she likes me only as a friend and honestly we are not very compatible. However my heart tells me otherwise, you know the weird feeling you get when they are around you? But I want to ignore that and move on.

 

Thank you so much. I will take your advice and limit communication. This is so hard on me though :(

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Texting her is a terrible idea. Don't do it. It will make you look weak & socially awkward. If she was into, that will certainly turn her off.

 

Why is it that you think you are not yet ready to date again? I know it's only been 1 month since you broke up with your GF but healing is not measured on a calendar. You are clearly healed enough to have this crush. Instead you need to stop being afraid & just ask this girl at the gym to go on a date. Make it something low key & physical if you like: take a hike, play mini golf, etc. Just go slow emotionally & physically with her to gage your own reaction.

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Hi thank you so much.

 

We've DMed each other alot. They were almost always initiated by her. I would always be the one to end the conversation and she would initiate again. One day however she stopped initiating and we haven't DMed each other ever since.

 

Do I want to move on? Yes. I think she likes me only as a friend and honestly we are not very compatible. However my heart tells me otherwise, you know the weird feeling you get when they are around you? But I want to ignore that and move on.

 

Thank you so much. I will take your advice and limit communication. This is so hard on me though :(

Dude seriously? So you have this girl that has been receptive, initiating, but you buckle at the knees and give up. Why are you making the decision for her? Why don't you let her by simply asking her out? You know how many threads I have seen from women who are upset and confused about a guy that shows them interest but never asks them out? tons of them. You know why she stopped initiating? because she's done enough, and you didn't make a move so she's given up on you. You can't keep going through life like this. Rejection is part of life, but the risk can produce great reward....a yes to a date! how exciting that would be no?

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Texting her is a terrible idea. Don't do it. It will make you look weak & socially awkward. If she was into, that will certainly turn her off.

 

Why is it that you think you are not yet ready to date again? I know it's only been 1 month since you broke up with your GF but healing is not measured on a calendar. You are clearly healed enough to have this crush. Instead you need to stop being afraid & just ask this girl at the gym to go on a date. Make it something low key & physical if you like: take a hike, play mini golf, etc. Just go slow emotionally & physically with her to gage your own reaction.

 

Well one reason I think she only likes me as a friend

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Dude seriously? So you have this girl that has been receptive, initiating, but you buckle at the knees and give up. Why are you making the decision for her? Why don't you let her by simply asking her out? You know how many threads I have seen from women who are upset and confused about a guy that shows them interest but never asks them out? tons of them. You know why she stopped initiating? because she's done enough, and you didn't make a move so she's given up on you. You can't keep going through life like this. Rejection is part of life, but the risk can produce great reward....a yes to a date! how exciting that would be no?

 

Well what if she initiated just to be friends. I don't want to take it as a hint that she likes me and come off as a creep by asking her out.

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Well one reason I think she only likes me as a friend

 

So you are ready to date again, you are just afraid of rejection because you are not presently strong enough to take it, fresh off a break up. Those are different things. If you are not ready to date, that is one thing. That is not what is going on here. Be honest with yourself. If you are still feeling shaky that is OK. Do not share that info with her. Instead keep talking to her, actually talking not texting or DM, live in person communication. Flirt with her. Gage her reaction. See if she flirts back. Drop something into the conversation about does her BF mind her talking you? Her response to that should give you clear info about whether she's open to dating you or has already friendzoned you. You are having a confidence problem. You will get over it, once you try again.

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Hi again Heartremedy,

 

I wanted to add that if you do want to pursue this girl, I agree with TeeDee and Smackie. Go for it and make your intention clear. The middle path is the most self-destructive; either take the risk, or walk away. Don't hover in that limbo state inbetween.

 

However, I took the time to read through your previous posts, and I honestly feel that you are not probably not ready to date again (based only on that information). I usually don't draw such hard conclusions here, and I don't know for sure, but in my opinion you have not really had time to process and transition back into single life after your long-term relationship ended abrutly and for confusing reasons. This current interest has already invoked some nostalgia over the past before even getting off the ground. I feel you may be idealising here and seeking to 'fill a space' as someone pointed out in your other thread.

 

Ultimately, it is your choice, and whichever path you choose I wish you all the luck in the world,

 

T

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Hi again Heartremedy,

 

I wanted to add that if you do want to pursue this girl, I agree with TeeDee and Smackie. Go for it and make your intention clear. The middle path is the most self-destructive; either take the risk, or walk away. Don't hover in that limbo state inbetween.

 

However, I took the time to read through your previous posts, and I honestly feel that you are not probably not ready to date again (based only on that information). I usually don't draw such hard conclusions here, and I don't know for sure, but in my opinion you have not really had time to process and transition back into single life after your long-term relationship ended abrutly and for confusing reasons. This current interest has already invoked some nostalgia over the past before even getting off the ground. I feel you may be idealising here and seeking to 'fill a space' as someone pointed out in your other thread.

 

Ultimately, it is your choice, and whichever path you choose I wish you all the luck in the world,

 

T

 

Thanks. Yes I agree. I don't think I'm ready either.

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Dude seriously? So you have this girl that has been receptive, initiating, but you buckle at the knees and give up. Why are you making the decision for her? Why don't you let her by simply asking her out? You know how many threads I have seen from women who are upset and confused about a guy that shows them interest but never asks them out? tons of them. You know why she stopped initiating? because she's done enough, and you didn't make a move so she's given up on you. You can't keep going through life like this. Rejection is part of life, but the risk can produce great reward....a yes to a date! how exciting that would be no?

 

So I texted her today and unlike before now she's taking an eternity to respond. I guess she's not interested anymore anyway

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So my plan was to text and her let her know what's going on, that I like her but I want to move on, so I won't be talking to her as much for a while and not to take it personally.

 

Don't do it. It sounds irrational and completely out of proportion to your interactions with this woman.

 

Seeing someone at a gym is not a tragedy. Treating it like one is your own problem, not hers. Don't hold that up as some banner to shoot fireworks around to call attention to it--that's just a perfect way to embarrass yourself once reality sets in.

 

Public spaces are not therapeutic environments. Say hello to the people you pass, or not--but don't invent some drama in your head about someone who's only mistake has been to treat you kindly whenever your paths cross.

 

Please don't hesitate to seek help from someone who's trained in this stuff to bring you back to reality. Meanwhile, don't project illusions onto this woman, and you will thank yourself later.

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