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Hey all,

It's been a really long time.. I've been with a 51 year old lady for 2 years. In those two years, she has ruined both of my birthdays by not showing up or using the silent treatment. As well as last Christmas. I've always thought that she was a little crazy. She's a borderline alcoholic and recently discovered that she's a big coke head as well. About two months ago, I yelled at her because I thought she was high and had a childhood friend that was visiting and she was ranting and raving and could not be calmed. This started the whole thing. For the last two months, she has cycled faster and faster. We've literally broken up and reconciled 5 times in the last two months.

 

When I broke up with her 2 months ago, she threatened to kill herself. It was all staged though. She also informed me that the night before, she had gotten into a fight at the bar with a girl that had called her fat and had broken her nose. And that she had tried heroin. Just fake, fake drama. She justifies her worth and appearance through the validation of others. She is just empty inside. But she has an extreme fear of abandonment as well (BPD). On August the 5, we had decided to get married. We were addicted to each other. 2 years and we facetimed 6 - 15 times per day from the time she woke up until the time that she went to bed, went to work and everything in between.

 

She apparently got a bag of coke, on the eve of my birthday, August the 6, and everything changed, of course. We got into a fight over my facebook single status, since she had most recently broken up with me. She is also very jealous and accused me of having my "girlfriends" posting on my pictures. They are just women that are friends. No infidelity in our relationship, I'm not the cheating type. Just drama drama drama. I one time that I was able to facetime her, I had started crying and with that, the harder I cried, the meaner she got. She told me that because of my facebook status that it was my fault and I was going to have to pay for it. She punishes me with the silent treatment because she knows that it drives me nuts.

 

I had reached out to her multiple times that night, to no avail. Finally at 3 in the morning of my birthday, I just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her. She gaslighted me a couple of times and it was utterly horrible for me. I had not heard from her at all, until Wednesday. 3 weeks after the fact and she did nothing but blame me for everything. She's also pretty burnt that I broke up with her. She mentioned it 6 times. I believe that she was probing me to see where I was at, or she realized that the grass was not greener. I asked her why even contact me if she was going to be mean and take no accountability, and she didn't even address that, just insult after insult. Saying that I was too controlling, etc. I even said to her that I had been thinking about asking her for one final chance, but she was clearly not in that space, and with that, she replied "take all the space you need".

 

With her verbage, she also was speaking present tense. "you try to walk out of a 2 year relationship at 3 in the morning." Not tried, not did, not it's over, not there will never be another chance. I was going to spend about 1k on her birthday, which is the last week of this month, and the 3k I was going to spend on her engagement ring. Again nothing, nada, just continuing to hurl insults. She called me a stalker, even though I had not left any voice messages on her phone for a week or so. Basically I feel like her mantra is "I hate you, don't leave me". At the end, she said, "let's just call it a truce and we will talk sometime later", 2 hours later, she sent the message "re reading this, everything is me, me, me, i, i, i, now bye for good" Which she's said literally 10 times in the last 2 months. I know that she was looking to see my reaction and my reaction was "ok take care", which I am sure burned her. I also know that she is being very manipulative and is playing a game. But she has not re blocked me on facebook.. Probably to spy on me. I do not want her back at this point, I would just like to have my closure. Does anyone know what she might be up too?

 

In my mind, she might really provided no indication that she is done, speaking in present tense and not telling me that it is over. Other than her last statement. My friends and I believe that to her, this is an ongoing situation, but for me, I am just trying to escape.. Why reach out randomly to me after 3 weeks. I know that she misses me. But what a horrible attitude to take. Or is she just projecting and is going to "God forbid" try to reconcile once she's had her fun? Her things are over here, still, clothes, food, parking ticket, etc. She hasn't picked them up. Idk, please help me enotalone!

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You won't get closure from her, OP. That will come from you, in accepting that this was never going to work and that it's over.

 

Does she have a personality disorder? Perhaps. My ex was diagnosed BPD and displayed some of the same behaviour. That's not really for anyone here to determine, though. That takes an intense and professional in-person evaluation. When I finally called it off with this ex, I needed time to understand why I hadn't bailed earlier. I needed to be on my own and figure out where I could make better choices and why I had let myself get wrapped up in what turned into a toxic situation.

 

I suggest you do the same, rather than try to assess what her problems are. I know you're trying to make sense of it all but chances are that you never really will understand it. If she's got mental health and substance abuse issues, well, it's for a professional to untangle. Getting married would have been a disaster, as you two don't have the stable relationship to prop up a lifetime commitment. You probably would not have made it to the altar, but if you had, I can just about guarantee the marriage wouldn't last 6 months. You need to get to the bottom of what attracted you to this chaos, and why you didn't away from the giant red flags. There's something in you that needs addressing here.

 

As for her belongings, give them to a friend she can retrieve them from. Don't have her come to your house, or you are very likely to get sucked back in and this cycle will start all over again.

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At this point, why do you care what's behind her contacting you? This is extremely toxic and you're creating it every bit as she is.

 

Pack her things up, send them to her or put them out on the front step for her to pick up.

 

Go completely no contact with her.

 

At the same time, get yourself into counselling asap. You are just as bad as her for staying and going back every single time.

 

You need to work out why you are into drama too and are into a woman this messed up.

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At this point, why do you care what's behind her contacting you? This is extremely toxic and you're creating it every bit as she is.

 

Pack her things up, send them to her or put them out on the front step for her to pick up.

 

Go completely no contact with her.

 

At the same time, get yourself into counselling asap. You are just as bad as her for staying and going back every single time.

 

You need to work out why you are into drama too and are into a woman this messed up.

 

This, this, this. She could be a purple flying people eater, you chose her and continue to engage in this drama, explore yourself, you clearly aren’t done.

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If you're using terms like narcissist, BPD, gaslighting, etc., then you've obviously clicked around enough sites, trying to gather information, trying to piece together what's going on.

 

What's going on is, you're in the middle of a puzzle with many pieces still in the box. So you're not seeing it.

 

So you come here and tell your whole long story, which, I suspect, is much longer than this....am I right?

 

I bet you could fill pages and pages with more dramatics, silent treatments, break-ups and make-ups. Love, hate, door slams, block, unblock, delete, un-delete, Face-Time, refuse to answer FaceTime, cry, hug, laugh, great sex, won't touch each other. This person likes something on social media, and all h*ll breaks loose, etc.

 

Sound familiar?

 

Look, I'm not bashing you here. If you want to click on my name and read my prior threads, I've got plenty.

 

Here's the thing: If you're looking into BPD/narcissism with this woman, it's highly likely that you have BPD/Narcissism in your past somehow. Mother? Father? What types of traits did/do they have? Was one the door-slammer, cryer, and the other, the one who ran after with apologies for things they didn't even do?

 

I agree that therapy would be beneficial, but only with someone who is very well versed in these types of issues, at getting to the heart of what went on in your childhood, and how that affects you today. It took me about a dozen therapists to finally find what I was looking for, where I finally, now, say.....oh, that's what that's all about. That's where you can finally get to the root of it, pull it out like a weed, and move on.

 

This woman is pinging something for you. Something from your past. You will continue this cycle until you break it, but you can only break it when you figure out what the root cause of it is. Otherwise, you'll be back here, writing 10 pages about this breakup, that block, that friend from social media who is "ruining" your relationship, etc.

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I'm seeing a lot of numbers jumping at me in your write up. Stop keeping count. Stop blaming someone else also for your mistakes and inadequacies. Many times, she's shown that she's not reliable or trustworthy. It doesn't matter what her psychiatrist says if she has one and it doesn't matter what you think she is on the disordered scale. If you know someone is a drug user (has addictions) alone, this should be enough for you to turn the other way. If you're a user too, check yourself into rehab and start getting clean.

 

I think you need therapy, rehab if you're also using and a better group of friends. Remove this person from your social media as well and start cleaning up your act. You are not trying to escape by following and feeding off her breadcrumbs. Start asking yourself difficult questions why you seek the approval and attention from individuals who have shown you they are incapable.

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"I even said to her that I had been thinking about asking her for one final chance"

 

After all that happened, you said this. And SHE'S the one with mental health issues???

 

What about you? You find this "drama drama drama" enticing and exciting, or you wouldn't have been thinking about asking her for one final chance and planning to spend thousands on an engagement ring. So why blame her for causing all this drama when you kept coming back for more?

 

I'm going to speculate that either the sex was off the charts amazing or she dangled sex like a carrot in front of you and you leapt at it whenever you got the chance.

 

Would you still take her back today if she asked nicely?

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Drug addicts never make any sense, well, because they are addicts. When your brain is fried, you have no reasonable control or any sense of yourself. Yes addiction can stem from mental illness but the behavior can just the addiction itself that causes those symptoms. Either way there is nothing you could have ever done for her. Her problem is up to her family now so don't feel guilty. I suggest you pack up all her stuff and drop it off where she is living at or at her moms/parent's place. If that isn't possible, throw it out. The reality is, you are done, and she is gone. You are no longer responsible for her or her stuff. Secondly, you really need to let go. That means absolutely no contact of any kind, even if she tries. You have done pretty good so far realizing your self worth, and dumped her. I hope you are doing better.

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Don't focus on diagnoses but instead of resolving whatever inside you that is keeping you from totally blocking this person from your life. Analysing them or wonder why they do this or that is just another way for you to keep you wrapped up in that mess, because you're still addicted to those ups and downs and toxicity and want to find ways of still be involved in it.

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