Sexless marriage???

[Seraphim]

She has a right to mental health medication and be a functioning human being . I think of sex is so very critical get divorced.

[Timeout74]

well if that's the case and she specifically told you the dose would be lowered and told you she's began taking the lower dose and isn't doing so, then all you can do is make a mental note of it (that she's not telling you the truth). you cannot force her to lower her dose if she's not ready all you can do is control yourself and ask yourself these things.

 

is this who i want to continue to love forever, a liar who can't even tell me the silliest of truths?

 

is this enough for me to leave and/or file for divorce?

 

is this how someone who is supposed to love me should behave?

 

like i've said before, we all have limits and i really think you will eventually hit yours. it may not be now or soon, but eventually you will have enough. people usually don't change unless there is a motivation to and right now you haven't given her any motivation to change because everything is the same right now.

 

 

I have asked myself these questions I have to admit but I always come back to the same two issues that cause the problem of a solution.

I don’t want to loose her but I can’t continue the rest of my life in the current situation.

I do believe I have done my best to give her some motivation though. Things are far from the same they were about 5/6 months ago. I have made a real effort to change things that she wasn’t happy about. I’m now a totally different person for this and I actually enjoy doing most of it if I’m being honest.

 

I have always been supporting and caring towards her needs and emotions, that has never been a problem. I’m not perfect by a long shot but I would say there is a lot lot worse than me out there.

I have always made sure I’m there for my wife and that she wants for nothing if I can help.

 

This is part of the reason that she agreed to lower her dose till she came off the antidepressants. She has been taking them for a number of years and she agreed she needed them at a point in her life but that point in her life has been and gone for a long time.

[Timeout74]

She has a right to mental health medication and be a functioning human being . I think of sex is so very critical get divorced.

 

I’m not for a second saying she doesn’t but when she tells me she only took them for a certain time in her life that she couldn’t cope with which has now passed some years ago then there really is no need (her words not mine).

 

If you read my previous posts it wasn’t my idea to do this and never entered my mind they could be causing an issue if they actually are.

[Seraphim]

I’m not for a second saying she doesn’t but when she tells me she only took them for a certain time in her life that she couldn’t cope with which has now passed some years ago then there really is no need (her words not mine).

 

If you read my previous posts it wasn’t my idea to do this and never entered my mind they could be causing an issue if they actually are.

I do read them . But , yes absolutely 100% they cause sexual dysfunction. My husband has been on them 21 years .

[Timeout74]

I do read them . But , yes absolutely 100% they cause sexual dysfunction. My husband has been on them 21 years .

 

It certainly seems so as I’ve been reading up in the effects they have one people.

Unfortunately the reality is that a large number of people are seeing a massive difference in the sexual dysfunction.

 

It may not be the case in my wife but the fact she seems it might be only she can know this and try to work on it.

 

Thanks for your input.

[Timeout74]

Well here I am once again in another difficult dilemma.

Yesterday I made a decision following advice from different parties I.e family, friends and my councillor that I was going to put and end to this and leave.

The decision was made because after numerous attempts and advice on what I should be trying it’s all been a waste of time to me. I’m feeling totally alone, I’m feeling used and totally unloved.

It seems my wife just can’t seem to make any kind of effort and from what I’m seeing and feeling it seemed to be getting worse than better.

 

I was invited to stay at one of my parents property’s after I came clean to my parents what has been going on. Hate that I had to bring my family into this but I felt they should know what’s happening in my life. I will add my wife decided going on 13 years ago now not to speak to my parents ever again due to a silly argument in which all grandparents bring up including her own mother but that’s another story.

 

Anyway I sat down with my wife and asked what was up. Again I got the I don’t know answer. I explained nothing had gotten any better not even in the minutest part, holding hands, peck on the cheek, a warming cuddle (I didn’t mention sex by the way) I feel I can’t bring myself to even consider that now and that was partly the reason for this chat.

 

I told her that I was going to do what one of us needed to and move out as I couldn’t take it anymore. I was totally honest with her in why and what I was feeling but she just sat in silence. I left her for a few minutes and asked if she had anything to say as we have stuff we need to sort out.

Her reply was, I don’t want you to go. I thought we were doing ok and I’ll try harder.

 

For the love of,,,,,, I wasn’t expecting that not for a second being the way she has been acting the past week, as I mentioned earlier it’s been getting worse than better.

I booked us a nice table for dinner, nice and romantic nice food and nice drinks. That night ended with her telling me she wasn’t feeling well and off to bed she popped, ok.

I took her out a drive in the car and arranged a surprise shopping trip whilst out, bought her some new clothes and shoes. That night ended with her saying she was shattered and off to bed she popped.

I spoke to her parents as I knew her family was visiting, I asked if we could maybe do something to get us all involved which we did. We all had a very nice day and dinner later that evening. Got home she went out in the car and never arrived home till 12:30 that night. Came into the house and off to bed.

 

Now between this and other silly stuff I’m starting to notice I now see myself this is over and I’m fighting a loosing battle but for her to say she doesn’t want me to go and she thought we are doing ok, what’s going on here??

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, it's same ol', same ol'. Neither you nor her do not want to leave the marital house so you just go through the motions. "I thought we were doing ok" is relative. Even that means different things to both of you.

Yesterday I made a decision following advice from different parties I.e family, friends and my councillor that I was going to put and end to this and leave.

That night ended with her telling me she wasn’t feeling well and off to bed she popped, ok.

That night ended with her saying she was shattered and off to bed she popped.

Got home she went out in the car and never arrived home till 12:30 that night. Came into the house and off to bed.

[boltnrun]

She's doing ok, so in her mind you both are ok. In other words, SHE is getting everything she wants so that's all that matters. To her.

 

She's not even caring how it all affects you.

[Timeout74]

She's doing ok, so in her mind you both are ok. In other words, SHE is getting everything she wants so that's all that matters. To her.

 

She's not even caring how it all affects you.

 

It certainly seems this is her thinking but I feel I’m just being strung along for Some reason and the only reason she could be doing this is for financial security.

The last straw for me was the other night when it was our anniversary and I made it as special as I could, wasn’t expecting anything life changing to happen but a little bit of affection would have been appreciated but not even a cheap card did I get.

 

I feel I just want to go now even though I didn’t want to loose out on my house but it’s starting to affect me in so many ways, I got pulled into an office at work a few days ago because it had been noticed that my work and time on jobs had been getting low. Didn’t want to tell my workplace much so just said I had some problems at home,,,they were ok about it.

[bluecastle]

Been following your story.

 

It's all so hard, I know. Thing is, the only reason anyone ever feels "strung along," be it in a 30 year marriage or after a weekend fling, is because they allow it. You're allowing it. And that's okay. Just own it. You are allowing it because you're scared, because you still have a shred of hope, because you're confused, because you're hurting. She is not doing this to you, in other words. It is a thing that is happing.

 

The unraveling of a marriage is hard stuff, a process, and I think the route you're taking is trying to sip every last puff of exhaust fumes before acknowledging that what you're inhaling is not oxygen. It is an utterly exhausting path, that, as you don't need me to tell you, but it does allow you to move on—when you make that choice, for real—knowing you left every card on the table.

 

When she says she does't want you to leave, that she thought you guys were doing okay, that she will try harder she means all that. It is not a calculated ploy to keep you on the string. And that, you see, is the real problem. What she means, and what she does with that meaning, is so far from offering you even a shred of what you want and need. She's in an emotional purgatory. How she got there, how she'll get out—well, it's not something you have access to. Nice dinners, shopping, moving out, listening, patience—none of that is going to wake her from it.

 

And that, alas, is why you need to wake yourself up. This can go a few more rounds, if you want it to, or you can step out of the ring.

[Timeout74]

Been following your story.

 

It's all so hard, I know. Thing is, the only reason anyone ever feels "strung along," be it in a 30 year marriage or after a weekend fling, is because they allow it. You're allowing it. And that's okay. Just own it. You are allowing it because you're scared, because you still have a shred of hope, because you're confused, because you're hurting. She is not doing this to you, in other words. It is a thing that is happing.

 

The unraveling of a marriage is hard stuff, a process, and I think the route you're taking is trying to sip every last puff of exhaust fumes before acknowledging that what you're inhaling is not oxygen. It is an utterly exhausting path, that, as you don't need me to tell you, but it does allow you to move on—when you make that choice, for real—knowing you left every card on the table.

 

When she says she does't want you to leave, that she thought you guys were doing okay, that she will try harder she means all that. It is not a calculated ploy to keep you on the string. And that, you see, is the real problem. What she means, and what she does with that meaning, is so far from offering you even a shred of what you want and need. She's in an emotional purgatory. How she got there, how she'll get out—well, it's not something you have access to. Nice dinners, shopping, moving out, listening, patience—none of that is going to wake her from it.

 

And that, alas, is why you need to wake yourself up. This can go a few more rounds, if you want it to, or you can step out of the ring.

 

Step out of the ring? How do I do this though without making things any worse than what they already are. I try to take a stand on things and it’s seen as anger when I’m truly not.

[Wiseman2]

Consult an attorney and a therapist. These are the people you need to get advice from regarding division of property and marital problems affecting your work.

I just want to go now even though I didn’t want to loose out on my house. Didn’t want to tell my workplace much so just said I had some problems at home.

[bluecastle]

Step out of the ring? How do I do this though without making things any worse than what they already are. I try to take a stand on things and it’s seen as anger when I’m truly not.

 

You step out of the ring—meaning you start taking real steeps to end your marriage—because you realize that things can't really get worse the what they already are.

 

Are you there? Seems so, to these eyes, but you'll call it when you call it. What you are describing as an up here and a down there, as anger when try to take a stand or what not, just reads to me as "worse" expanding into more worse. Things aren't really "getting worse," but your spirit is suffering because you have yet to let go of the idea that they might get better instead of accepting that they will not.

[Timeout74]

Well I just thought I would update my situation. I’ve moved out due to my wife now asking for a trial separation.

 

I have my doubts but I’m worn out with it all. It just seems it’s one thing after another.

She refused to leave after speaking to me in a way it cut me deeply so I had no choice but to go as I couldn’t stay with somebody who I still love and always have for so many years but to be spoken to the way I have over the last few days it was rude and hurtful.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Moving in and out must be getting exhausting. Where do you stay when she asks you to leave? It seems the trial of staying there again for a few months didn't work out. Her terms were no sex when moving back in a few months ago and under those circumstances it seems untenable for both of you.

 

Perhaps now you'll have the time to consult an attorney and a therapist to figure all this out. Did you ever get down to a real reason she asked you to leave the first time and why the marriage is disintegrating?

I’ve moved out due to my wife now asking for a trial separation. I have my doubts but I’m worn out with it all. It just seems it’s one thing after another.

[Timeout74]

She didn’t ask me to leave this time it was my choice. I was living in a house where I wasn’t feeling loved, appreciated nor any kind of kindness towards me.

I’m totally baffled as to why she asked for a trial separation though as her actions and thoughts have shown over the past few months.

I stay between friends and family although my family are very angry that it’s once again me that’s been uprooted and having my world turned upside down.

Unfortunately no she is still saying she doesn’t know.

 

I have also noticed today that I have now been blocked from her instagram page which seems a bit strange going on childish. I was blocked from seeing her details on Snapchat some time ago as she said I don’t need to know where she is🤷🏻♂️. But have learned today that her and her friend have both blocked me or unfriended me not social media savvy.

[Wiseman2]

Ok on the verge of divorce social media should not really concern you. See an attorney before she gets everything.. Don't be asleep at the wheel when a divorce is pending.

[Timeout74]

I have already spoken to a lawyer I’m UK 🇬🇧 based.

It’s not as simple as her getting everything unless I sign it over which I’m not prepared to do.

I did ask her to leave but she refused and decided to guilt trip me with our daughter by saying I would be making our daughter homeless which obviously I wouldn’t dream off. She also said if I meet someone new in the future she doesn’t think our daughter should have to see that because she has no intention of having another man in her life.

 

Although she is the one who seems to want this trial separation, I personally think I need to move on as I can’t hang in the wind like I’ve been doing for the past months.

Once again what she is saying and doing is all a bit strange.

She did say to me that if I meet someone new within her trial separation all be it but for all I’m absolutely and utterly saddened by all this not to mention frustrated the last thing on my mind right now is another women.

I just feel I now need to sort my future out but the flip side to that coin is she let me leave with it in my head we might get back together. I don’t know if she is saying this incase she can’t cope on her own and this is her safety net so to speak.

My family and friends say I need to forget her and start making a life for myself and I know I maybe shouldn’t but if I thought there was a chance.........😔

[Wiseman2]

Ok this time take your family's advice and get your own place. Camping out with them isn't working, nor is moving in and out of the marital home. She is moving toward divorce. It's a sexless marriage, you're both miserable.

I stay between friends and family although my family are very angry that it’s once again me that’s been uprooted and having my world turned upside down.

[Timeout74]

I am now trying to sort out my own place but it turns out not to be so easy.

Private letting us out the question as it’s far to expensive for me, I have seen the local authorities about housing but again it’s a waiting game and the fact I still need to see my daughter is a big issue here.

 

Currently I can’t see my daughter mainly because I’m upset and finding it really hard to deal with and I can’t get my head straight. I don’t want my daughter to see me like this as it won’t do her any good what so ever.

 

I’m really struggling trying to understand how my wife is so calm and care free about all this.

I was correct about her getting my daughter on side with her though and I did suspect this for a while as I noticed big changes in the time she was spending with her and what she was letting her away with, she was treating her as a friend and not being her parent but that is a whole other story but I’m angry she is trying to turn her against me as I was always the closest to my daughter and spent most time with her.

I feel I’ve been cast out by both of them but I understand my daughter is still young and I will spend the time I can with her in the hope she knows I’m still here for her if she needs me.

[boltnrun]

The absolute worst thing you can do right now is avoid seeing your daughter. You must hold it together enough to see her, or it will look like everything your wife is telling her about you is true.

[Timeout74]

There has been a major turn in events.

Due to circumstances that I’m unable to control I am moving back home today but my wife is unaware.

 

I found out today that my wife is allowing our daughter to drink alcohol, smoke weed and is behind my back letting my daughter have boys in while she is alone.

I can’t even explain how angry I am about this and I can’t say how I know this for sure but I heard it all with my own two ears.

I will touch on this a little, my wife has told my daughter to bring the boy up on a particular day because I won’t be near the house then (I needed to pop home this Thursday to gather more clothes) but on top of that my wife said if dad appears hide the boy in the closet.

I heard my wife saying you better not smoke that in the house if dad smells it he will go nuts.

This is only a small part of what I heard from the friend but my wife was definitely making me out to be the bad person in all this when I’m not,,,,,I’m being a responsible adult and father.

 

Now this is why I’m returning, all this is going on behind my back and seems as though it has been for some time. I work nightshift and I’m away for 8pm most nights so I have no clue how long this has been going on.

 

I now feel as a parent I can’t sit back and let this happen but I do fear when I put my foot down that my wife has our daughters mind so twisted with what she thinks is right and acceptable that I’m going to be the bad guy and our daughter will turn against me.

 

I will have to return today but unfortunately I can’t divulge what I’ve heard as it would ruin a friendship but I see it as a true friend would speak out if they felt wrong was being done.

 

My family are absolutely disgusted about this as only yesterday I contacted my wife to say if she finds she is struggling with the upkeep of the house financially I will help her to save her having to worry about a roof over there heads.

 

I feel like I have been taken for a complete mug now, months and months of me bending over backwards to try and fix a marriage and I’ve been kept in the dark and mistreated without me even realising.

 

Anyway I will post an update and please feel free to chirp in on what you think.

 

P.S, our daughter is only 15 years old.

[boltnrun]

You might have to have your daughter drug tested.

 

Yeah, that really, really sucks. But you have to protect your daughter.

 

Also, she needs to be on birth control. Usually a boy in the bedroom means sex.

 

And all of this is grounds for you to go for full custody.

[Timeout74]

Thing is I don’t I clearly heard my wife saying that you better not smoke that in that bedroom if he smells it he will go nuts so I think it obvious that my daughter is being allowed to use drugs.

I have never entertained drugs in my life and that’s why it boils my blood so much. That and the fact my wife is freely letting this happen and hiding it from me.

 

I understand what a boy in the bedroom means, I was that age once heck we all were so I know what he’s thinking.

My worry is that my daughter is very petite and thin so there is nothing of her. If she and said boy are being allowed to consume alcohol and smoke drugs in my house things could get out of hand and he could easily overpower my daughter and there is nobody there to help her if she is alone.

 

That is another issue I have, I heard from a neighbour that my wife had brought two boys and my daughter back to the house the other night. Only reason my neighbor mention this was because of how laid the music was. Turns out my wife had allowed them all to consume alcohol and smoke weed that night. The boys are only 14 years old and I’m sure there parents wouldn’t have known.

 

I really really don’t know how to approach this later today as I don’t want the friendship we have with this person to suffer because she felt I had to know what was going on.

[Timeout74]

You might have to have your daughter drug tested.

 

Yeah, that really, really sucks. But you have to protect your daughter.

 

Also, she needs to be on birth control. Usually a boy in the bedroom means sex.

 

And all of this is grounds for you to go for full custody.

 

I honestly don’t think my daughter will stay with me if this all goes south. My wife has made sure she has her well on her side.