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I just wanted some advice..

I have recently been invited on my boyfriend’s friends hen party, it is abroad and for three nights. A couple of years ago my boyfriend cheated on me (kissed) the brides best friend, who turns out to be the maid of honour. Although I have forgiven him and we have moved on, I have found it hard to forgive the girl as she knew he had a girlfriend at the time and every time we see her at friend events she tries and makes conversation with my boyfriend (obviously trying to rub it in my face).

So I don’t know whether or not to go on the hen do? I don’t want to feel uncomfortable and put in a situation I don’t want to be in, for some reason the girl obviously wants to still make things awkward (such an adult), but I feel like I am letting the bride and other girls down by not going.

So does anyone have any opinions on the matter that they would like to share? As I am so 50/50 about the situation.

Please no nasty comments

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Go for the other people and have fun. Don't pay attention to the past or her. It was most likely a stupid move on your bf's part and that's who you really have a grudge against. How serious are you with your bf and how close are you to the other attendees? Let that determine whether you decide to go.

I have recently been invited on my boyfriend’s friends hen party, it is abroad and for three nights. A couple of years ago my boyfriend cheated on me (kissed) the brides best friend, who turns out to be the maid of honour.

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It may be because she still tries to be all over him when we attend friends parties? He has apologised and feels guilty where as she is a cold faced about it, so maybe that’s why :)

 

What does he do when she flirts with him?

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Have you considered that her actions may be because your boyfriend doesn't shut them down appropriately? You should be able to identify your closest relationships and award those relationships with equal weight and responsibility. If either of you aren't curbing the attentions of others appropriately, it may be a good idea to review your relationship and what you both consider appropriate and inappropriate.

 

In regards to the party, if you are not comfortable with it, don't go. There's no point associating with people you do not get along with. Appearing to do so will only confuse yourself and others around you.

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You need to figure out how to get past this and not let it be an issue in your life. If you want to go, then go, and ignore this girl who you are allowing to have such power over you that you arent sure whether or not you want to go. Be the adult here, decide what you want, and then do it!

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If you decide not to go, you don't need to present any explanations. Just write, "Thank you for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend."

 

If you decide you want to go, just go and be extremely pleasant with everyone. Being happy and bubbly is the best weapon in a situation like this.

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We’ve been together for 5 years, and I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge towards my boyfriend but at least he has taken half of the responsibility which she hasn’t, so it was a stupid move on both parts

 

.....Ummmm.....I'm sorry but the fault is 100% your bf's. He is the one who is the in the relationship, not her. It's 100% on him what he chooses, emphasis on chooses, to do with people who may find him attractive and otherwise flirt with him. It's 100% on him to shut that down. She continues to try and flirt with him, OP, because your bf allows it.

 

It's tempting to exonerate your SO and blame someone else.....but that's ignoring the reality of who actually owed you loyalty and fidelity. Hint...it's not her. She owes you exactly zero apologies. It's on your bf to shut her down and if he isn't doing it.....you need to rethink this relationship and your bf's character. Don't get stuck in a false investment. If the company is bankrupt, you wouldn't keep putting money in it...so be sure you don't keep investing in a bankrupt relationship. Time, how long, how much you've invested so far are irrelevant.

 

Imagine you marry him and 30 years from now, kids, mortgage, a whole life together, you find out he's been cheating on you on and off for years. Is that what you want? No right? When people show you their true character, believe them. If some dude was hitting on him, he'd know exactly how to shut that down fast. I guarantee you there wouldn't be any "woops we kissed".

 

If she continues to flirt and you continue to be uncomfortable around her, it's your gut telling you what you don't want to hear - your relationship is on the rocks and your bf is not as honest and loyal as you want him to be.

 

Anyway, as for the hen party, show some strength, go have fun and treat her politely but as an irrelevance because she isn't actually relevant. She doesn't matter, focus on the real culprit.

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"Won" what? A bf who flirts, "cheats" and encourages women? You got stuck with a jerk, so in that sense she "won" because this fool is with you and she is free to date decent guys with boundaries who know how to keep their hands to themselves. Unfortunately, your bf is the problem..

That’s why I’m 50/50 because I don’t want her to feel like she has ‘won’. I guess I’m just apprehensive, it’s not a situation I ever thought I’d be in
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My first consideration before responding to any invitation is, "What do I WANT to do?"

 

Everything else is just noise, because catering to what we imagine other people might think is ridiculous. Nobody else is really all that invested in what we do. If you don't want to go, don't explain yourself or make excuses, just send the regret card. It's really not a big deal.

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Just to make it clear to everyone. My boyfriend tells her not to talk to him when she tries, he doesn’t instigate it, and regarding our relationship like I said we have moved on so I don’t get why people are judging when you actually don’t know the whole story? It’s nice to post on these forums for advice but when people start judging your relationship when you’re perfectly happy is something else, it’s rude.

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IÂ’m sorry but we have worked through what weÂ’ve been through, so yeah maybe in the past he was a jerk but not now, so IÂ’m not stuck with a jerk at all, and he doesnÂ’t flirt so I donÂ’t actually know where you are picking that up from, you are actually so rude lol

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I’m sorry but what me and my boyfriend are perfectly fine and happy in our relationship and have moved on from mistakes, he isn’t a jerk at all, so I think you’re being a teeeeeny but judgemental here, he isn’t a bloody fool at all. Who are you to actually judge?

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If you're perfectly happy now, then don't let this woman bother you. She's only making a fool of herself if she continues to try to trigger you, when this all happened a couple years ago and he hasn't made any other moves to be with her.

 

If she does keep it up while you're at this hen party, pull her aside and tell her very firmly to stop. Remind her that this is the bride's weekend and she should be mindful not to create drama. Then walk away and ignore her.

 

Does the bride know what happened?

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If she does keep it up while you're at this hen party, pull her aside and tell her very firmly to stop. Remind her that this is the bride's weekend and she should be mindful not to create drama. Then walk away and ignore her.

 

Does the bride know what happened?

 

Keep what up, exactly? Why let someone bait you into a confrontation over a situation you've already 'won'?

 

If miss douchbag wants your BF, then too-bad-so-sad. I'd be as polite to her as I would be to a stranger, and if she doesn't respond well to that, it's a reflection on her, not me. Let her act like one hand clapping while you remain cheerful and ignorant of whatever her problem might be.

 

That's if you opt to go. I see no reason to position yourself in discomfort for 3 days for anyone but the closest, most loving relationships in your life. If these are not close friends, then why bother feeding a fantasy that people care as much about your love life as you imagine?

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I think she's just having a hard time knowing when no means no. Sometimes people don't think that far or overanalyze why someone appears stiff or stuck up (not saying he is but he may be acting a bit weird for your sake). They're there to have a good time. She may be trying to be cordial even though it looks inappropriate given the history. Why don't you focus more on your sexy bf and appreciate the fact that others think he's attractive too? I agree with Smackie - trust your bf.

 

If you have a deep distrust of him, maybe it's a good idea to look at the relationship as a whole and see whether this is worth pursuing.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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