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Ok so I'm sure some of you have read my post in the relationship thread about my fiance working out of town and us barely talking and so on.

Basically what this boils down to is I'm unhappy. I have been extremely stressed due to the fact that he still has not been able to contribute to the Bill's at all. Except maybe $50. Now granted I can see where some of you would say he shouldn't have to pay for any of the bills here, if he's not currently here which I understand. but he's not even trying to help pay our cellphone bill. His solution to the fact that our phones are going to be shutoff is to just forget about it and go get a prepaid phone. Now I've had the same cellphone company for 7 years. Not to mention I've been working on rebuilding my credit after filing bankruptcy last year. So when he said that I was infuriated. I did calmly tell him that that is not an option nor the way i handle things. It's been harder because I had surgery 3 weeks ago and I missed a little over a week of work, on top of I'm part time and now they've cut hours so I don't even get what used to be the minimum of 25 hours a week. And I have considered getting another part time job, but on also trying to overextend myself and screw my shoulder recovery because I've also just started school.

I've not had to worry so much because my veterans disability does cover the rent for the apartment. but there's still about $900 in bills that have to be paid every month. Which he used to atleast help me pay the electricity and the phone bill. I always of course covered my car and insurance. but now I'm basically scrambling to cover for everything.

It has boiled down to the fact that I'm now having to move in with friends because I can no longer afford all the bills. His response was I'm sorry baby but thats a good idea and basically that was it.

Mind you, it did take a bit for me to realize the only bill he has where he's at is rent to the people he's living with. Thats only 250. And he sends $50 child support every week for his daughter. I know he has child support taken out for his son. but he gets paid every week, where I only get paid every 2 weeks. And I'm lucky now if its $150 And he's currently making a good bit more than me.

He goes to the gym every day on his dime and he buys protein powder and pre-workout supplements as well. But says he can't send anymore money.

Is it wrong of me to be fed up? I've been thinking about ending things and just getting a fresh start. Especially since at 33 I'm having to move in with friends to get my together. on top of now I'm going to school and still recovering from shoulder surgery. Am I being stupid or what?

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No, you're not selfish nor stupid. No, it's not wrong of you be fed up. Both of you are sharing the same cell phone company because both of you have cell phones, therefore, he should help pay the monthly cell phone bill. His careless attitude of: "It's ok to shutoff our phones and go get prepaid phones" sounds as if simply doesn't care nor does he care that you're recovering from your recent BK and trying to improve your credit. He is the one who is selfish and self-centered. He doesn't care if you flounder financially. To him, this is YOUR problem, NOT his. :upset:

 

He doesn't seem to mind leaving you in the lurch as you recover post-op and need money to make ends meet. He's not the least bit fazed that you will have to move out and move in with friends yet he has no qualms with spending money on a gym membership, expensive powders and supplements.

 

Shortage of money ALWAYS causes discord between two people or in relationships. (I hope you're healing well from your surgery.) 'Love don't pay the rent.' :upset:

 

You don't have many choices. Either do what you can to survive with your limited work hours, monthly budget and school and keep him or get rid of him and breakup.

 

In the future, be with a man who doesn't have baggage such as kids from his ex nor works out of town often. It will be less complicated and less expensive this way. Become very picky and choosy.

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Why did you decide to live together immediately?

 

In your previous thread you said you've been together 3 years and living together for 2 years. Now you say you've been living together pretty much the entire 3 years.

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Hmmm this is not a black and white issue in my opinion. From my male perspective...

 

I do not mind paying for the majority of things when spending time with my girlfriend, but I would probably be quite annoyed if I had to pay to subsidize her life in general.

 

For example, I am in an LDR, my girlfriend lives at my house rent free, I still pay for the taxes and utility bills. I have even cleared a room of a lodger because she did not like living with strangers, and I will not ask her to pay me for the loss of income from the rent, because I can afford it for now.

 

However, if my financial situation worsened, and I need to rent out a room again to make ends meet, then I will not be best pleased if she throws a tantrum over the issue unless she was willing to pay me for the value of the rent lost. I will also not be okay if she asked for money to pay for her expenses, such as care costs for her parents, the mortgage on her own house etc.

 

This might seem a bit selfish, but I do not think being a boyfriend obligates me to provide for your every need. A girlfriend is not a child, not a human being that I need to be responsible for in every aspect.

 

That said, my policy totally changes she was pregnant and/or raising my child. In that case I absolutely do have an obligation to provide her at least the basic necessities and accept my responsibilities as a partner and father, because she is losing income in order to raise my child.

 

I get that you are currently facing significant financial difficulty, and that really sucks, but I do not think that obligates your boyfriend to pick up the slack. Your partner should not be your solution for money problems, if he were, then your relationship would not be balanced anymore. He has a right to spend the money he earns how he wants. I think it is rather unfair to characterize it as simple selfishness if he does not want to pay for your living expenses.

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He was helping me with the bills before he took this out of town job. And everything was fine. Now I just feel that he hiding how much he is making from me, always giving excuses. I'm not mad about that part. It's the fact that I know how much he make per hour. And there should be no reason for him to say he's broke. Now yes if we were both doing good and bills were paid. I wouldn't care if he was going to the gym and buying supplements. But we are engaged. We are supposed to get married at some point... and don't people in marriages generally both take care of everything? Especially if that was the agreement before. And he's spending money at the gym and on supplements when I don't even have gas money here or money for food. does that seem fair?

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I basically jumped in to fast is what it boils down to. I can admit to my mistakes. I fell for him so hard. and he was needing somewhere to go when he left his abusive boss, he didn't know anyone where he lived because him and his wife had moved to be closer to her family, and then she left him and took his daughter and step daughter over 1k miles away to be with her high school sweet heart.

I'm to damn nice...

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I basically jumped in to fast is what it boils down to. I can admit to my mistakes. I fell for him so hard. and he was needing somewhere to go when he left his abusive boss, he didn't know anyone where he lived because him and his wife had moved to be closer to her family, and then she left him and took his daughter and step daughter over 1k miles away to be with her high school sweet heart.

I'm to damn nice...

 

And you think because you were too nice he owes it to you to help you pay your bills?

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Unfortunately, he's been tiptoeing out of the relationship for quite a while. He no longer lives with you so should not participate financially in any way. In addition to veterans disability, you need to research more resources such as social services assistance with food, medical care, education, employment assistance and other ways of getting help. You may be able to get a phone.

 

Try to cut back on excess expenses. Many people opt for a more affordable prepaid phone plan. Your bills sound rather excessive and are Not his responsibility.. You need to learn to budget. Keep in mind, you're single, do not live together have been conflicted and on/off so you can't keep counting on him. If you have real problems move home to your parents and learn to live on disability and other resources or get healthy and start working more.

I've not had to worry so much because my veterans disability does cover the rent for the apartment. but there's still about $900 in bills that have to be paid every month.

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Basically I've been doing everything you suggested. I almost packed up and moved back to my parents. But I just started school so I didn't want to mess up my education. as far as getting healthier to work, my injuries are wide spread from the military. and I have health coverage through the va. I've got a bad back, bad knees, screwed up ankle and messed up shoulder. So that prevents me from doing a lot of stuff anymore.

I can't get food stamps. I make to much... I was getting food stamps before I got my job and that was only $80 a month with all the Bill's and the only income at the time was my disability. I don't do anything extracurricular... I stay home. I've reached the point that I know he's not going to help. And he's not obligated to help with my bills except it seems he should help with the phone bill... his phone is on my plan so that only makes sense. But its whatever. I've been so stressed out about everything that I don't get sleep. So I'm now getting unhealthy from it all.

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I'm sorry, this is your Fiance and you both agreed to live together. So he works out of town now and just feels that he can stick you with all the bills and responsibilities? That just doesn't cut it. I doubt very much if he would be any different if you were married!

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That's what I'm worried about to be honest. I can handle the fact that he is out of town. That's not an issue. Just concerned whether or not I can count on him when we get married if this is what's going on now. I'm making sacrifices for myself to make sure I don't lose everything I've worked for. Hell I even rehome my dogs before my surgery because I wouldn't be able to take them out. or be able to afford food and any vet expenses for them.

Moving out of an apartment that I lived in for over 2 years. having to put everything I own in storage so I can occupy my friends spare bedroom. Quitting smoking because I can't afford cigarettes anymore. I'm reducing everything to nothing. When he's still doing extracurricular stuff. And I'm home alone with nothing to do and no money to do so.

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That's what I've pretty much figured out. Judging from his responses to my stress and situation. so I do believe I'll be ending it very soon. I'm just thankful I've got good friends that are willing to help me out. Because then I would have to pack everything is a 24ft truck, get a car hauler and drive 8 hours back to my parents. and lose all of my good friends, my job with an awesome boss, and screw my education up.

Everything happens for a reason and I guess god is opening another door for me and showing me the way.

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Get a prepaid phone for yourself and take yourself off the cell plan or say "fine, could you get a prepaid phone and i'll take you off the plan to save money. Unless you were married with a mortgage, he should NOT have to pay you for living expenses while he works out of town. He has to pay his rent in that new town, etc. At the very least, if he is on the lease he *should* pay part of your rent but really, if there is no end date (its not like he's just on a 3 month contract and coming back) you should move somewhere you can afford. Can you work while you are on disability a little bit? With some disabilities, you can and it doesn't affect your disability payments (ie, you will lose your disability if you have an injury but can retrain for another field that doesn't require lifting, but you won't lose it if you are blind or paraplegic)

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Whilst I stand by what I said about your fiance's right to his own economic choices in the absence of any children... if you rented a house intended for the both of you and incurred costs on that basis, it is sucky of him to abandon his financial obligations the moment he moves out.

 

I have a friend who had a pretty high maintenance girlfriend, she demanded regular overseas holidays, living in a nice house in a nice area, nice presents etc... the poor dude spent all he earned every month to keep her happy, stopped spending money on going out with the lads, didn't go on our lads holiday to Germany last year. Then she left him anyway, moved out of their rented house that cost over £1500 a month and left my friend with a contract that he could not get out of for 7 or 8 months, so he had to take out a loan to get by, incurring interest costs etc...

 

If your fiance did anything like the above, then yeah... that's very irresponsible and amoral, and you would do well to get rid asap.

 

btw... what do your $900 of bills include? that seems very high if excluding rent...

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This guy is your fiance, IMO if it were me the fact that he has pretty much checked out of the relationship financially, physically and emotionally would be a huge concern for me and a sign of how he would support me when the chips were down in the future.

 

This is about more than just finances, this is about the fact that he is living like a free bird in another city and not supporting you with what you are going through. Perhaps if he was emotionally available, and you guys were communicating and working together, you would be more easily able to adjust your life to accommodate the change in financial status.

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Yea I'm not high maintenance at all. I'm ok with staying at home when he was home and just spending time. I've never expected him to buy me expensive things ect. My Bill's consist of a car payment, car insurance, electric internet, and of course the phone bill. I've never expected him to help me with my car expenses. but when he was here he did help with the electric bill and the phone bill.

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You are in dire straights, and he didn't sign up for that. He's thinking, "In the foreseeable future, I don't want to be stuck supporting her, nursing her because of her health issues, and the possibility of her not being able to take care of our children, working, etc...I'm tapping out." You having to claim bankruptcy was probably when he realized what the future may look like. Sadly it is what it is. Not everyone is up for that kind of challenge. He's being a tool, because he's not being honest with you. He's not in it, he's quitting it. He's too much of a coward and is waiting for you to end it. I think you should simply take the phone back because he can rack up some serious charges on it. You are right, you need a clean slate, and get your life back on track....he's just dead weight.

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I'm part time and now they've cut hours so I don't even get what used to be the minimum of 25 hours a week. And I have considered getting another part time job, but on also trying to overextend myself and screw my shoulder recovery because I've also just started school.

 

You have "considered" getting another job - it wasn't pressing. If you had, things may be different. There are tons of jobs that don't involve your shoulder - front desk at a hotel or gym, office work, etc., hostess at a restaurant. I would consider yourself on your own at the time being. It is sucky that he didn't just break up with you cleanly and did it in a cowardly way.

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If you were living together, then he is fully responsible for half the bills. It's not any different than if he was renting an apartment and got sent away for work. He'd still be liable for the rent, utilities, etc. Him being out of town is not an excuse for not meeting his obligations.

 

That said, it seems like he is doing a super slow fade out of this relationship. Moved out, not paying his share of the bills, etc, etc, etc. He is checked out and I dare say he is one of those extreme cowards who can't simply end a relationship like a decent human being. He'd rather make it so painful for you, that you finally do it for him. Go ahead and oblige him and spare yourself any more grief and frustration with this.

 

At this point you are, for all means and purposes, single and living as such. You do not need to be paying for his phone on your plan. Cancel him out. If he wants to go get a prepaid phone, that's his problem. You need to take care of you and do whatever you need to do to pay your bills. Cut off the dead weight, aka fiance, and move on and do what you need to do to get back on your feet. Ultimately, it will be better and easier for you that way.

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