BF is on a boys trip and im not coping very well

[Rosie93]

My boyfriend (26) has been on holiday with his friends for 4 days now and I (26) am not doing great tbh.

He will be gone for another two weeks and it's the longest time we haven't seen each other since we started dating ten months ago. I have huge trust issues, as I was cheated on multiple times by multiple partners in the past. My current boyfriend however, is the sweetest guy ive ever met, really honest and has never given me any reasons not to trust him. And yet, I can't shake this feeling that he will cheat on me. It's completely irrational, but I can't help it.

He knows about my trust issues and understands where they come from and comforted and reassured me when I told him I was feeling anxious about him going on holiday. I haven't spoken to him about this since he´s gone and have been very excited and supportive whenever he texts me and sends me photos etc. I try to keep myself busy by going out with friends and even by going on a short trip myself later this week. But deep down I'm so incredibly scared and anxious that something will happen, that he will cheat on me like multiple guys did before him.

 

How do I handle these insecurities and learn how to give him the trust he deserves?

 

Thanks!

[abitbroken]

How do you handle it? Get yourself into counseling because otherwise you are in danger of punishing him for things another man did.. And wear a rubber band on your wrist. Snap yourself every time you worry about him cheating. Otherwise you will loose him for being so insecure and getting in his face with suspicion.

[bluecastle]

I think this post in itself shows one important step toward handling them, which is recognizing that they are yours, not his, and that they are corrosive to any relationship you'll be in since they are corrosive to yourself. So, great. Awareness is step one, but it's meaningless without step two. Step two is harnessing awareness into action, into change.

 

Personally, I think of feelings of insecurity as a little reminder that I need to "secure" myself, almost like a floorboard has come loose and needs to be nailed back down. That means having an arsenal of things that are self-generated that bring about calm, security, and confidence. When you have those things purring it's actually hard to drift too far down these wormholes because you're confident that you can be pretty happy regardless of what life throws your way.

 

Hobbies. Passions. Exercise. Friends. Work. A therapist. That's basically my grab bag that I go to when the jitters stir—rather than, say, going to my girlfriend and dumping it on her when I know full well she hasn't done a thing to deserve the dump. She's got her own beautifully complex brain to deal with; tasking her with making mine function would just be selfish, and self-defeating.

 

He's away for a minute. Bummer. But also? Time you can spend doing you, seeing friends, doing things that bring you pleasure and, by extension, security. What are those things in your life? What, aside from your boyfriend, can you lean on and into to feel alive?

[Rose Mosse]

You might anticipate him with other people while he's traveling but draw boundaries about what you may and may not accept. You should feel open enough to speak about people or situations in your relationship. There's no point swinging from insecure to secure in the face of obvious issues. I've never been in a relationship where someone did not overstep even by accident or make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes and boundaries do get crossed.

 

Start with you and being more clear about what's acceptable to you and what's not acceptable to you in your relationships in general. Older or more experienced individuals generally have been through the school of hard knocks and remember those bruises (what's not acceptable). If you're young and a little unsure, that's fine too. Be clear and honest with yourself and don't make excuses for terrible behaviour either. The idea is to bend, not break. Anything goes in life. Just see how it goes and trust in yourself to work things through.

[Cherylyn]

You handle it by giving him a chance that he's trustworthy. You handle it by knowing if you hound him regarding your past distrustful ex's, you'll push him away because there's only so much drama your boyfriend can tolerate. Be careful and behave yourself. Back off and allow him to breathe. Give him space and enjoy your space while he's away and during your relationship. Never smother him.

 

You handle it by changing the way you think. Be kind to him and to yourself. The less stress the better. Transform your distrust issues into feeling grateful that you have a guy whom you can actually trust. Start feeling thankful and have gratitude for starters. Then coast. Be happy.

[poorlittlefish]

I totally get why you feel the way you do. The sad fact, though, is that if he wants to cheat he doesn't need to go on holiday to do it and if he does overstep boundaries while he's away you are unlikely to ever know about it. The fact he's keeping in regular communication and sending you photos etc is a good sign. If his friends he's on holiday with are also in relationships then I would hope they're not all just enjoying their time away rather than being "on the pull".

[MirrorKnight]

Double post deleted.

[MirrorKnight]

I have nothing more to add regarding your insecurities and how it could drive him away. Others have already said what needs to be said on that front.

 

I just want to say... I don't understand why women are so fearful of their man cheating when he goes on holiday with his friends, like this particular scenario has been mentioned at least 2 or 3 times on this forum in threads I've read.

 

Unless your man's friends are misogynist and/or amoral a-holes, the fact that they are going as a group basically prevents any of them from cheating on any partners at home. Because most mature and decent guys have at least a basic moral compass and we like our friends to also be basically decent human beings. A group of guys might banter among themselves about girls, tolerate or even encourage some naughtiness like flirting with a cute girl, telling crude jokes or whatever... but we know where the line is, and if it is crossed, a guy would likely face criticism from his friends, who may even inform his partner, especially if any of them are mutual friends of hers. Basically it is a self-policing system for really bad behaviour.

 

I have considered cheating recently (please do not judge too harshly, you do not know the context and I have decided not to do it because it is wrong regardless) and went on a few dates, I absolutely would not consider telling any of my friends about it, even if they do not know my girlfriend or have any means to tell her... because it is amoral and I do not want my peers to think of me as an amoral human being. If I cheat in my romantic life, I automatically also become a less reliable friend, colleague and regarded with lower moral standards.

 

i.e. if a guy is gonna cheat on you, it is unlikely that he's gonna do it on holiday with his friends, because he won't be able to hide it from them.

[Rosie93]

Wow thanks everyone for the really insightful comments! Reading through them really helps me put everything into perspective and I really appreciate it! I just have to remind myself that, just because I think something, doesn't mean its the truth. My insecurities are my own to deal with and will only push my boyfriend away when I confront him with them.

 

And you're right bluecastle, I should be seeking things that bring me calm, security, and confidence instead of focusing on all the bad things that could happen and dumping my fears on my boyfriend. Its not fair to him and it doesn't help me at all either.

 

Regarding your comment about cheating on holiday with friends MirrorKnight, I think you're right. His friends are good people (one of them is also in a relationship) and wouldn't tolerate cheating when they see it. I just think the reason that some women are fearful of their partners cheating is because of the different environment they're in when they're on holiday. Going out every night, drinking a lot and going to beachparties create a lot of temptations and sometimes its hard to believe that your partner is not gonna give in to those temptations, even when they are with friends who will judge them for it. You just have to remind yourself that there is nothing you can do while he's away, except be as loving and supportive as you normally are.

 

Some of you suggested counseling for my insecurities and trust issues and I think that's a good idea. I shouldn't hold my boyfriend responsible for the bad things guys did to me in the past. He is not them and he deserves a fair chance.

 

The next two weeks are gonna be long, but hopefully im going to be able to put my irrational thoughts aside and just enjoy myself on my trip later this week. Many thanks!

[poorlittlefish]

*I would hope they're all just enjoying their time away rather than being "on the pull" (typo corrected from my original post).

[Rose Mosse]

 

I just want to say... I don't understand why women are so fearful of their man cheating when he goes on holiday with his friends, like this particular scenario has been mentioned at least 2 or 3 times on this forum in threads I've read.

 

I enjoy reading your posts - such heart in them and honesty. I think you may be seeing this many more times if you continue to come back to the forum. Good for you for not cheating. Any act of duplicity does eventually erode upon a person's identity and belief system. It may take time I think for the cracks to show and I think it's our conscience doing its work. I think our conscience does its most spectacular work when no one is looking (we only have to answer to ourselves). Perhaps that's where it becomes a true test of character - when we know we can get away with it and end up not doing it anyway, knowing that it's wrong.

 

Any bout of away-time in a couple's regular day to day routine or schedule is bound to cause some insecurities especially in new(er) relationships. I think it takes a very clueless (for lack of a better word, pardon) person not to wonder about the possibilities especially if a person knows what a catch his/her partner is. I've never believed in numbing down or talking down any worries or feelings of insecurity. They seem like good tools to use to work through past issues or present issues in a relationship.

[maew]

I just want to say... I don't understand why women are so fearful of their man cheating when he goes on holiday with his friends, like this particular scenario has been mentioned at least 2 or 3 times on this forum in threads I've read.

 

Unless your man's friends are misogynist and/or amoral a-holes, the fact that they are going as a group basically prevents any of them from cheating on any partners at home. Because most mature and decent guys have at least a basic moral compass and we like our friends to also be basically decent human beings. A group of guys might banter among themselves about girls, tolerate or even encourage some naughtiness like flirting with a cute girl, telling crude jokes or whatever... but we know where the line is, and if it is crossed, a guy would likely face criticism from his friends, who may even inform his partner, especially if any of them are mutual friends of hers. Basically it is a self-policing system for really bad behaviour.

 

I have considered cheating recently (please do not judge too harshly, you do not know the context and I have decided not to do it because it is wrong regardless) and went on a few dates, I absolutely would not consider telling any of my friends about it, even if they do not know my girlfriend or have any means to tell her... because it is amoral and I do not want my peers to think of me as an amoral human being. If I cheat in my romantic life, I automatically also become a less reliable friend, colleague and regarded with lower moral standards.

 

i.e. if a guy is gonna cheat on you, it is unlikely that he's gonna do it on holiday with his friends, because he won't be able to hide it from them.

 

One of the best responses I have ever seen about this topic. Like I literally felt this in my heart and soul as I was reading it.

 

This is not about him not being trustworthy, this is about the OP feeling that she needs to control him and the relationship or she will be hurt again. The OP needs to learn to trust, and to walk through those fears and anxieties in order to do so, if she wants to have a good relationship with a good man.

 

OP there is a reason you end up in relationships with men that cheat on you. Something about their character you are overlooking when getting into a relationship with them. That said, if this one is different, then treat him differently and behave differently, because you can't do anything about what happened in your past and you have no control over what he does, but you can built a strong foundation by practicing resilience, courage, trust, appreciation and love towards this man that seems to be treating you well.

[Cherylyn]

Well said MirrorKnight.

[TeeDee]

You are coping better then you think you are. You are being upbeat when you talk to him. You recognize that your past is causing this not his behavior. At least logically you know it's you & you are trying not to blame him for what others did in your past. That is all progress.

 

Keep yourself busy. Repeat to yourself that he's a good guy & you can trust him. If he does prove unworthy, you just walk away. Yes, that is easier said then done but having standards means that sometimes people may not live up to your expectations. That is on them, not you.

 

The poster who pointed out that most people are generally good was on to something. Listen

 

Also try to remember that even if your BF spoke to some girl in a bar that doesn't rise to the level of cheating.