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Text Happened


Nosocialmedi
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So my boyfriend and I were supposed to get together on Saturday for a brunch he had planned. About 4 am on Saturday morning he calls to ensure that I am coming. It was odd to me that he would call at that hour but I asked if he was okay considering he had attended his 15 yr old nephews funeral service hours earlier that Friday. He said he was okay confirms the time for us to meet and says he cant wait to see me. Close to an hour later I am awaken again by a text that says “I don't know if you notice me begging. That's because i haven't been with anyone fyi” and another immediately after that says “Be there in 20”...

I know he cant get to me in 20 minutes as I live over an hour away from him. In addition there is another text around 5 minutes later that says “I’m with Mike”.... well Mike is my boyfriends name. So of course I call him... No answer. So I wait to see if he calls back... no response. After several calls no answer he then calls me about 6am and says someone else had his phone. I don't believe him. Would you? What are your thoughts!!!

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I'm assuming you still saw him on Saturday, so three days ago? Did he not offer any more explanation than "someone else had my phone"?

 

Seems a pretty easy thing to explain in a few more sentences than that—unless, of course, it's not something he wants to explain because he doesn't want you to know what he was up to between the hours of 4-6am on Friday.

 

A call to confirm brunch at 4am is, yes, strange. Ditto the "begging" text, which certainly sounds oriented toward romance and not meant for your eyes. Then again, even if he was up to no good, I don't quite understand why Mike would be sending a text to you or anyone that read "I'm with Mike," which gives credence to the idea that someone else was on his phone. Unless, well, your Mike has a friend named Mike...

 

Anyhow, we can riff on this all day and I'm happy to pop some popcorn and have at it. But I think Mike is the person to be talking to and your gut is the thing to be listening to. And if you can't talk to him and can't hear your own gut—well, then you've got bigger problems than this little snafu.

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Given how out of context the texts were, it's at least safe to say they weren't meant for you.

 

Did he try to tell you that someone had his phone, thinking it was their own? That would be a pretty obvious gaffe once someone tried to get into their contacts, messages or other personalized details that I assume would be very different from their own. It would also likely not include more than one message once the sender realized their mistake.

 

How is your relationship in general? I read in your last thread that relying too much on texting (on his end) is a big issue between you two, but how are things beyond that? How often do you see each other? I gather you don't live in the same city, but before I reach and assume he's got someone else on the go and thought he was texting her, more context could be helpful.

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Is there someone local or an ex in the picture? Did you attend this funeral?

About 4 am on Saturday morning he calls to ensure that I am coming. It was odd to me that he would call at that hour but I asked if he was okay considering he had attended his 15 yr old nephews funeral service hours earlier that Friday
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I think he was chillin with other people after the service at his place or someones place, most likely drinking was involved. That would explain the 4am phone call...he was still up/couldn't sleep or someone from the service may have needed a place to crash before heading home woke him up. Your BF went back to bed, and this relative/friend got the phones mixed up in their fuzzy state...realizing their mistake silenced the ringer as to not disturb your BF or your BF simply didn't hear it because he was exhausted/dead asleep. Sounds to me the texter was in poop with their GF for being out all night after the service. They were defending themselves that they weren't with someone else, and then promised to hurry home.

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I think he was chillin with other people after the service at his place or someones place, most likely drinking was involved. That would explain the 4am phone call...he was still up/couldn't sleep or someone from the service may have needed a place to crash before heading home woke him up. Your BF went back to bed, and this relative/friend got the phones mixed up in their fuzzy state...realizing their mistake silenced the ringer as to not disturb your BF or your BF simply didn't hear it because he was exhausted/dead asleep. Sounds to me the texter was in poop with their GF for being out all night after the service. They were defending themselves that they weren't with someone else, and then promised to hurry home.

 

You should be a lawyer... as negative as I am, that actually sounds plausible!

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Yes texting seems to be a real issue in this relationship. Stop and reflect on that.

My boyfriend and I communicate differently and his preferred method of communication is always texting. I comply but cant always get a true feel for what is being conveyed...So he sends me a text after an argument first saying good afternoon I reply with “afternoon to you too”. He then send a follow up text stating “I'm trying to create some type of dialogue with us”. What does this mean?? I ask myself. Does he want to solve our problem?? How should I respond is my wonder?
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I'm assuming you still saw him on Saturday, so three days ago? Did he not offer any more explanation than "someone else had my phone"?

 

Yes... when he called back that morning at 6am, I demanded an explanation and he asked if he could explain when we met later. So I agreed mostly because I wanted to look him in the eyes when he explained. When I arrived he had an escort there that led me to our table where I was greeted with flowers and brunch had already been ordered. As we begin to eat people kept coming to the table with all these other surprises periodically. Before you know it, too much time had passed and he still had not revisited the issue. So I bring it up outside and he gives me the same explanation he gave over the phone and acts as if this was already addressed and doesn’t understand why I am so upset. He even adds “what can I do in an hour?” I questioned whether he was being honest and he refused to talk about it any further saying that I was insulting his integrity and that I had no compassion for his grief and walked away! So whether he cheated or was gonna cheat, is there a real difference?? What’s your opinion? And if my gut says he was what’s left to be said??

Edited by Nosocialmedi
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This all sounds very tense, very dramatic. From your tone here, and from your last post, I can't help but wonder when the last time was that things between you were warm rather than adversarial. Guess I'm just saying that, regardless of what is or is not at the root of this, something feels deeply off and I suspect that something predates this awkward text exchange.

 

As for all this? Doesn't look the greatest. What's with all the flowers and fireworks? Was this brunch a celebration of something? Do you, or did you, feel like he was putting on a "show" in order to avoid the elephant in the room?

 

His defensiveness is certainly not very heartwarming. But, being honest, I'm not under the impression that you two communicate very well in general, meaning I'm not quite sure how you brought this up outside the restaurant. Are you accusatory, assuming the worst from the outset, or do you express, calmly, that you were unnerved and ask him if he could explain things a little more clearly? Sometimes people are curt and defensive when they have something to hide, and sometimes they act that way because someone is curt toward them, prone to assuming the worst no matter what they do.

 

Regardless, if your gut is on fire saying he's cheating I can't help but think that fire has more to do with this scenario. Might be time to accept that something in your gut is telling you that this relationship isn't right, and that if you two can't find a way to address that calmly, and together, you might be better off letting this go. None of what you're describing here sounds very promising or satisfying.

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You should leave him because...

 

1) He almost certainly cheated on you. Aside from the evidence of the texts, he bought you flowers because he felt guilty and he thinks giving you a gift might appease you. His defensiveness and evasiveness about the topic is further proof of guilt.

 

2) Whether he cheated on you or not, he apparently does not have the ability to explain himself convincingly. Hell if he were cheating, at least come up with a decent story! I'm sorry you probably love him, but he is coming across as a complete idiot who can barely function.

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If he was cheating why would he call you at 4am? That would draw unnecessary attention to himself now wouldn't it. Now I can see if you received the weird text messages BEFORE the phone call...then that would look like he was covering his ass. The thing is, there was more than one weird text message...from someone who was pretty out of it, whether they be exhausted or intoxicated to notice they were texting the wrong person/using the wrong phone. They were probably fumbling around, lookin for their wallet and jacket/shoes texting as they went.

 

The only thing you can do now is observe. Let him think the conversation is done and do more discrete investigating. If there is some s%^$ going on, someone will let it slip. If you make it known that you are checking up on him or suspect him of cheating, you will find yourself dumped with the possibility he never did anything.

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Either you trust BF, or you don't. Since I wouldn't be involved with someone I don't trust in the first place, I would give BF the benefit of doubt considering that drinking with family after losing a 15 year old isn't likely the best climate to hound after other women. If you have doubts about that with your BF, then you know him better than us, so go with your gut.

 

Did you ever meet for brunch?

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I think he was chillin with other people after the service at his place or someones place, most likely drinking was involved. That would explain the 4am phone call...he was still up/couldn't sleep or someone from the service may have needed a place to crash before heading home woke him up. Your BF went back to bed, and this relative/friend got the phones mixed up in their fuzzy state...realizing their mistake silenced the ringer as to not disturb your BF or your BF simply didn't hear it because he was exhausted/dead asleep. Sounds to me the texter was in poop with their GF for being out all night after the service. They were defending themselves that they weren't with someone else, and then promised to hurry home.

 

I mean either this has happened to you before Smackie or you should indeed be a lawyer... you filled every hole in his story with a perfectly acceptable explanation.

 

Given his over the top gifts and his refusal to have a conversation with you about it (both avoiding it during dinner and then following up by getting angry and walking away after) I am not sure it was as innocent as all of that... but all you can do at this point is decide whether you want to overlook this situation because you have no hard evidence that anything actually happened, or whether you want to take this as an indication that he was cheating and move on from there.

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My verdict...she doesn't have enough to go on, it's only assumption. She needs to find actual proof.

 

True story: Years ago all we had for messaging at work were pagers. We were issued numbers which are the last two digits of the phone # of the pager assigned. I worked with a brother and sister, her number was 69. The brother (Rod) his wife looked at a message on his pager, and right away contacted his sister (Loretta) to find out who sent this message (who is 91). The message simply read 69 91. Well 91 is my number, and the wife thought I was texting the erotic sex position 69 to her husband and me and Rod were having an affair. It turns out that it was Loretta who sent the message but it was supposed to be 69 911, meaning "It's Loretta, call me right away". She didn't press #1 enough times by mistake. So the moral of the story is...it doesn't take much for something to be misinterpreted.

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My verdict...she doesn't have enough to go on, it's only assumption. She needs to find actual proof.

 

Yes, I agree.

 

Part of the problem seems to be that her boyfriend isn't filling in the gaps in a way that would more logically explain what happened. Based on what OP wrote, he just said someone else had his phone and didn't give any further details. I agree OP doesn't have enough proof to conclude he was texting another girl, but BF could also be a little more forthcoming in contextualizing the messages.

 

In other words, if a drunk friend grabbed his phone, thinking it was his own (which is plausible) why would BF not just say so?

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I suspect the OP has harped suspiciously at her BF times before and he just didn't want to get in it because no matter what he tells her she probably isn't satisfied. A lot of people come to that point they avoid the confrontation because it goes nowhere and it become a pain. He just wanted a nice brunch, pleasant conversation, and focus on being happy/positive. He had been through enough losing his 15 year old cousin...to me that must be devastating, and here she is wanting more explication about a couple of text messages that he already said it was someone else.

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