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So basically, when I don’t like someone, I don’t want other people to like them either. Long story short, my sister in law and I used to be close. She did some shady things and I no longer trust her or like her. The problem is that I get so jealous/annoyed when I hear about people I’m close to (family & friends) hanging out with her and having a close relationship with her. I know it’s completely irrational to silly to feel this way. I literally get angry (on the inside) when I hear anything about her. And social media just makes it worst. HELP!!!!

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Your posting history is largely about your issues with being jealous and resentful of other people—and, in the process, not enjoying being inside your own skin. Have you taken any steps to address that, to see about slightly changing the way you think so you can be at peace?

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Your posting history is largely about your issues with being jealous and resentful of other people—and, in the process, not enjoying being inside your own skin. Have you taken any steps to address that, to see about slightly changing the way you think so you can be at peace?

 

I don’t know how to address it. Therapy did nothing for me- it was just a therapist getting paid to listen and nod.

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I'd back up a little and take a closer look. You have a remarkable ability to recognize your own flaws. I think there are plenty of people who feel this way but ignore it or find ways to justify their emotions through other actions. Resentment is easy to read through. I think it's actually admirable that you're calling it what it is and recognizing it in yourself. Now that you have, practice some determination on your part and avoid the social media that's possibly consuming your time and learn to focus on more healthy or positive aspects that help you grow in positive ways. Shift your focus.

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I'd back up a little and take a closer look. You have a remarkable ability to recognize your own flaws. I think there are plenty of people who feel this way but ignore it or find ways to justify their emotions through other actions. Resentment is easy to read through. I think it's actually admirable that you're calling it what it is and recognizing it in yourself. Now that you have, practice some determination on your part and avoid the social media that's possibly consuming your time and learn to focus on more healthy or positive aspects that help you grow in positive ways. Shift your focus.

 

You’re right! Thank you

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I was going to say thing as Blue. You are always having issues, with everyone. I would say that you are the problem.

 

Have you considered another therapist ? How are things with your husband, I know there have always been issues with how he has treated you?

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I was going to say thing as Blue. You are always having issues, with everyone. I would say that you are the problem.

 

Have you considered another therapist ? How are things with your husband, I know there have always been issues with how he has treated you?

 

It’s the same person I’m talking about- I don’t have problems with everyone.

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I don’t know how to address it. Therapy did nothing for me- it was just a therapist getting paid to listen and nod.

Not all therapists are the same. You don't get the right results, you seek out another one. So don't flat out give up because you had one bad experience...

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Firstly. it's not IRRATIONAL to not like them. So stop beating yourself up for not liking her. It's okay to not like people. In fact many people don't deserved to be liked these days lol.

Part 2 is the more important part though... to be jealous of her because you don't like her. This part is what you should work on and concern yourself with. It's hard - because it's against human nature to not get jealous or mad when somebdoy you see as a bad person and dislikeable person is "getting away with it" and yo udon't know why (welcome to the modern world.... happens all over the place...)

 

The best thing all of us can learn in our lifetime is to LET IT GO.... to let things go... and to not worry about anybody else - be it how they think of us, treat us, or how their life is going compared to ours (because that is exactly what this is.. you're getting frustrated because somebody you see as being a lesser person and less deseving than you for the attention they get.. IS GETTING IT and getting away with it.... how can this be?).

 

so.. learn to let go of thing.

learn to NOT care about others opinions or how other people are doing.

just focus on you, your world, and making your world the best one you can. Doesn't matter what's going on elsewhere.

 

Once you can do that.. LIFE GETS WAY EASIER... and better.

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Firstly. it's not IRRATIONAL to not like them. So stop beating yourself up for not liking her. It's okay to not like people. In fact many people don't deserved to be liked these days lol.

Part 2 is the more important part though... to be jealous of her because you don't like her. This part is what you should work on and concern yourself with. It's hard - because it's against human nature to not get jealous or mad when somebdoy you see as a bad person and dislikeable person is "getting away with it" and yo udon't know why (welcome to the modern world.... happens all over the place...)

 

The best thing all of us can learn in our lifetime is to LET IT GO.... to let things go... and to not worry about anybody else - be it how they think of us, treat us, or how their life is going compared to ours (because that is exactly what this is.. you're getting frustrated because somebody you see as being a lesser person and less deseving than you for the attention they get.. IS GETTING IT and getting away with it.... how can this be?).

 

so.. learn to let go of thing.

learn to NOT care about others opinions or how other people are doing.

just focus on you, your world, and making your world the best one you can. Doesn't matter what's going on elsewhere.

 

Once you can do that.. LIFE GETS WAY EASIER... and better.

 

Everything you said is so true! Makes sense. I wish I could just turn my feelings off.

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Well it's common to feel jealousy but when it's irrational (which yours is) is when you need to try to work on it. I'm not religious but I like the serenity prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." If you don't like your sister-in-law, that's how you feel. But you can't control how other people feel about her. Nor should you be trying to control other people. You are only responsible for your own life and your own feelings. Also I'm not sure what your sister-in-law has actually done, but some people are more forgiving than others and maybe other people don't have as much of an issue with what she did. That's actually up to them to decide if they still want to continue interacting with her or not.

 

I think what you do have the power to change is your own thoughts and feelings. The best course of action with people you don't like is probably just to keep your distance, be polite when you see them and not concern yourself too much with that person and what other people think of them. And to be realistic too that not everyone likes everyone. So while you don't like someone, they can actually still be liked by other people. And also we are all human and make mistakes so in some cases even those people deserve a second chance. If you don't want to give them a chance that is totally up to you. But it's not really your place to try to control other people's decisions.

 

I agree that if you didn't find your previous therapist helpful, you need to look for a new one. But at the end of the day it's also your responsibility to work on your issues. If you're not working on them then even a therapist can't just wave a magic wand and make it go away.

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Hey Marshmellow12, I could've written this! My sister and SIL (husband's sister) are sugary syrupy sweet to each other, text at random and whenever SIL is back in town, my sister arranges restaurant gatherings for both sides of the family tree. Gag. :upset:

 

My sister is FB friends with my husband's side of the family. They're all chummier than I am with my own sister.

 

Initially, I felt jealous / envious but those feelings stopped inside me because I feel secure and content with my own life with my husband and sons. If they want to co-mingle, I say, "Have at as you please." I could care less. Go knock yourself out. I'd rather take a nap instead!

 

Change the way you think. Get busy enjoying and living your own life. Don't be preoccupied with others anymore. Mind your own business as they should mind their own business, too. Do what you enjoy, surround yourself with people who treat you with respect and kindness and do your own thing. This is what I do. Be strong and then nothing will bother you anymore. It works for me as it will work for you, too. Don't care!

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When I don't like someone, I WANT other people to like them. I've since changed the way I think. When the focus is on them or each other and what they're doing, I go in the opposite direction and enjoy my own life.

 

I have plenty to do. I enjoy my immediate family with husband and sons. I've since drastically improved my health, workout, eat right, lost weight, feel great, get together with GREAT friends who treat me with utmost respect and kindness and immerse myself into my new hobby which is cooking high cuisine. I could care less about my sister, her husband (my BIL - bro-in-law) being chummy with my SIL (sis-in-law- husband's sister). I say go for it! Who cares? I'm too busy enjoying my own life.

 

You won't feel jealous, envious nor angry anymore once you learn to LOVE YOURSELF MORE AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This is the secret and then all your insecurities will vanish.

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When I don't like someone, I WANT other people to like them. I've since changed the way I think. When the focus is on them or each other and what they're doing, I go in the opposite direction and enjoy my own life.

 

I have plenty to do. I enjoy my immediate family with husband and sons. I've since drastically improved my health, workout, eat right, lost weight, feel great, get together with GREAT friends who treat me with utmost respect and kindness and immerse myself into my new hobby which is cooking high cuisine. I could care less about my sister, her husband (my BIL - bro-in-law) being chummy with my SIL (sis-in-law- husband's sister). I say go for it! Who cares? I'm too busy enjoying my own life.

 

You won't feel jealous, envious nor angry anymore once you learn to LOVE YOURSELF MORE AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF. This is the secret and then all your insecurities will vanish.

 

Thank you! This was so helpful. I do need to work on loving myself more. I have had low self-esteem and insecurities for most of my life. Maybe I should start there and then the other issues will go away. Thanks!

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Thank you! This was so helpful. I do need to work on loving myself more. I have had low self-esteem and insecurities for most of my life. Maybe I should start there and then the other issues will go away. Thanks!

 

Yes, most definitely start now. You you have to start somewhere so it might as well be today and now. LOVE YOURSELF MORE AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF. GIVE YOURSELF SELF-RESPECT. You will become secure when you begin to shift focus away from others and onto YOURSELF. Do what you enjoy, surround yourself with upstanding, moral people, enjoy independence and solitude, too.

 

Take outstanding care of your health because there's an absolute healthy body, sound mind condition.

 

You will begin to think positively about yourself and realize you're more important than they are. You won't let everything grate on your nerves anymore. Change the way you think. Release your negative energy. Let it flow out of your body.

 

Find peace from within and concentrate on your health. Stewing over other people is mentally unhealthy for you. Think about this: They're NOT expending any thoughts about you so why should you give them the time of day?

 

Develop high self confidence, high self esteem and high self worth. After that, you will feel secure and you won't let other people and their associations bother you anymore. You've got better things to do in your life than fret over them. They could care less about you so you should return the favor and focus on enjoying your own life to the hilt.

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Pick you battles. She can talk to whoever she wants and they can respond in kind. If you want to cut your nose off to spite your face and be mad at them because they communicate with her, that's your issue. Please consider the worst problem of all regarding your husband and in-laws : https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558591&p=7113221&viewfull=1#post7113221

my sister in law and I used to be close. She did some shady things and I no longer trust her or like her.
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Yes, most definitely start now. You you have to start somewhere so it might as well be today and now. LOVE YOURSELF MORE AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF. GIVE YOURSELF SELF-RESPECT. You will become secure when you begin to shift focus away from others and onto YOURSELF. Do what you enjoy, surround yourself with upstanding, moral people, enjoy independence and solitude, too.

 

Take outstanding care of your health because there's an absolute healthy body, sound mind condition.

 

You will begin to think positively about yourself and realize you're more important than they are. You won't let everything grate on your nerves anymore. Change the way you think. Release your negative energy. Let it flow out of your body.

 

Find peace from within and concentrate on your health. Stewing over other people is mentally unhealthy for you. Think about this: They're NOT expending any thoughts about you so why should you give them the time of day?

 

Develop high self confidence, high self esteem and high self worth. After that, you will feel secure and you won't let other people and their associations bother you anymore. You've got better things to do in your life than fret over them. They could care less about you so you should return the favor and focus on enjoying your own life to the hilt.

 

Yes, I agree and what I like about this suggestion is that it's concrete. It's not about "loving myself more" it's about specific things you do large and small each day to take care of yourself. And I agree wholeheartedly that it starts with the basics. Good sleep. Good food and enough food but not too much. Daily cardio -and if you can't do 30 minutes a day do 20 -or start with one minute of fast walking and double that every single day till you're up to at least 20. Commit to yourself in ways that show discipline and restraint - that's loving yourself too. I made a dietary change in the last month and it's not easy but I see the rewards in other ways and the self-discipline and restraint feels really good. And when I feel myself veering towards too much restraint -towards treating myself in more of a punitive way -I rebalance so that I don't feel overly deprived. Work in progress but I have a goal in mind and that goal reflects self-care. Avoid the abstract because the abstract leads to excuses. Be very concrete about the things you will do every single day. And do them. It might be drinking more water - if so, have an amount in mind. It might be practicing a breathing exercise -if so find a specific one that is doable and actually do it.

 

It might be decluttering a specific area of a drawer or room. It might be choosing not to nibble on sweets after dinner or whenever your trigger point is. And check in with yourself so that you're not making impractical goals where you set yourself up for failure. Some people I know do fancy "programs" or "100 day" kinds of things and post galore on Facebook for "accountability" and to get likes. If that floats your boat (it sinks mine but works for some) then you do it -you do you. Whatever works.

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Yes, I agree and what I like about this suggestion is that it's concrete. It's not about "loving myself more" it's about specific things you do large and small each day to take care of yourself. And I agree wholeheartedly that it starts with the basics. Good sleep. Good food and enough food but not too much. Daily cardio -and if you can't do 30 minutes a day do 20 -or start with one minute of fast walking and double that every single day till you're up to at least 20. Commit to yourself in ways that show discipline and restraint - that's loving yourself too. I made a dietary change in the last month and it's not easy but I see the rewards in other ways and the self-discipline and restraint feels really good. And when I feel myself veering towards too much restraint -towards treating myself in more of a punitive way -I rebalance so that I don't feel overly deprived. Work in progress but I have a goal in mind and that goal reflects self-care. Avoid the abstract because the abstract leads to excuses. Be very concrete about the things you will do every single day. And do them. It might be drinking more water - if so, have an amount in mind. It might be practicing a breathing exercise -if so find a specific one that is doable and actually do it.

 

It might be decluttering a specific area of a drawer or room. It might be choosing not to nibble on sweets after dinner or whenever your trigger point is. And check in with yourself so that you're not making impractical goals where you set yourself up for failure. Some people I know do fancy "programs" or "100 day" kinds of things and post galore on Facebook for "accountability" and to get likes. If that floats your boat (it sinks mine but works for some) then you do it -you do you. Whatever works.

 

With all due respect, I beg to differ. I do think it's about "loving yourself more" not only with taking care of your health but "loving yourself" means don't make other people more important than yourself. Don't put others on such elevated status to the point where you're concerned with whom they associate or socialize with. This is regarding Marshmellow12, the OP's complaint about her jealous feelings towards her SIL (sis-in-law)'s for hanging out with Marshmellow12's family and friends.

 

When you learn to love yourself, you longer have feelings of jealousy and envy. It goes away and disappears because you're better than that. Feeling indifferent and "blah" regarding what other people do is a good thing. Too many people obsess over other people while neglecting to love themselves and I'm not referring to what you eat, how you exercise or decluttering your home. Sure, those help a lot but I'm specifically referring to loving your own self worth and knowing you're important and not any less important than the people you fret about. They don't care about you so you should care less about them.

 

Loving yourself does several things. Once you learn to love yourself, you'll feel stronger and more secure. You'll develop thicker skin, you learn to think tougher and you'll feel stronger. When you love yourself, you feel more resilient and far less irritable! When you love yourself, people won't get under your skin anymore because YOU DON'T CARE!!!! Once you learn to habitually love yourself, you're kinder to yourself and won't care about others, what they do, whom they associate with and what their social life is like. When you love yourself, you're no longer preoccupied with others. You'll have the "I don't care," indifferent attitude which is to your benefit. You learn to mind your own business and concentrate on your own life.

 

Whatever other people do is their own life. Go in the opposite direction and focus on yourself. :D

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And I suggest that if your SIL is your social media FB friend, put her on snooze every 30 days and when she pops up again, put her on snooze for yet another 30 days. Or hide her completely. Out of sight, out of mind. You'll no longer have reminders of what bothers or irritates you.

 

Ignorance is bliss. :D

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With all due respect, I beg to differ. I do think it's about "loving yourself more" not only with taking care of your health but "loving yourself" means don't make other people more important than yourself. Don't put others on such elevated status to the point where you're concerned with whom they associate or socialize with. This is regarding Marshmellow12, the OP's complaint about her jealous feelings towards her SIL (sis-in-law)'s for hanging out with Marshmellow12's family and friends.

 

When you learn to love yourself, you longer have feelings of jealousy and envy. It goes away and disappears because you're better than that. Feeling indifferent and "blah" regarding what other people do is a good thing. Too many people obsess over other people while neglecting to love themselves and I'm not referring to what you eat, how you exercise or decluttering your home. Sure, those help a lot but I'm specifically referring to loving your own self worth and knowing you're important and not any less important than the people you fret about. They don't care about you so you should care less about them.

 

Loving yourself does several things. Once you learn to love yourself, you'll feel stronger and more secure. You'll develop thicker skin, you learn to think tougher and you'll feel stronger. When you love yourself, you feel more resilient and far less irritable! When you love yourself, people won't get under your skin anymore because YOU DON'T CARE!!!! Once you learn to habitually love yourself, you're kinder to yourself and won't care about others, what they do, whom they associate with and what their social life is like. When you love yourself, you're no longer preoccupied with others. You'll have the "I don't care," indifferent attitude which is to your benefit. You learn to mind your own business and concentrate on your own life.

 

Whatever other people do is their own life. Go in the opposite direction and focus on yourself. :D

 

Yes, I agree and I think having the goal of "loving yourself more" can get lost in abstraction unless there are specific concrete steps -whether it's exercise, eating better, decluttering or putting SIL on snooze for 30 days, etc - there should be specifics even with "don't make other people more important than yourself" - I think it's helpful to get down to the root of that and decide how, specifically you're going to do that. For example it might be that she declines to do something that would elevate the other person's worth or she might assert herself differently so that instead of feeling resentment, she notices that she valued her needs in that situation. I think it's too easy with a big -albeit very positive -goal of "loving oneself" to lose motivation unless it's broken down into small, specific ways particular to the person's situation.

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Yes, I agree and I think having the goal of "loving yourself more" can get lost in abstraction unless there are specific concrete steps -whether it's exercise, eating better, decluttering or putting SIL on snooze for 30 days, etc - there should be specifics even with "don't make other people more important than yourself" - I think it's helpful to get down to the root of that and decide how, specifically you're going to do that. For example it might be that she declines to do something that would elevate the other person's worth or she might assert herself differently so that instead of feeling resentment, she notices that she valued her needs in that situation. I think it's too easy with a big -albeit very positive -goal of "loving oneself" to lose motivation unless it's broken down into small, specific ways particular to the person's situation.

 

When I refer to loving oneself, I meant that it's doing some soul searching and appreciating yourself for who you are as opposed to preoccupying yourself regarding what others are doing, whom they associate with or socialize with and how their lives are.

 

When I said not to make other people more important than yourself, I meant not to focus on their lives and instead focus on your own and telling the OP, Marshmellow12, that everyone needs to mind their own business. People are too busy poking around and up in each others business and so much so that you forget about concentrating on yourself and your own life.

 

You do it by having an attitude adjustment and learning to think a different way instead of worrying and fretting what other people are doing 24 / 7. It should be none of Marhmellow12 nor anyone's concern because it doesn't matter. Once you tell yourself it doesn't matter and who cares?, previous jealous and envious thoughts disappear.

 

Loving oneself is a mindset. Once Marshmellow12 becomes more of an independent thinker and focuses on her own happiness and well-being, those feelings of jealousy and envy regarding whom her SIL associates with, schmoozes with or socializes with is handled with feelings of pure indifference. Indifference represents security and being comfortable within one's own skin.

 

When a person loves him or herself, it's like saying to the other person in their mind, "Go knock yourself out, see if I care. I'm very busy with my own life." For example, if she's jealous and envious of her SIL fraternizing with her mutual family and friends, that should be met with feelings of indifference. Since she has no control over co-mingling, just keep a cool head and like yourself better because it's a sign of security. Go your own way and don't allow feelings of jealousy and envy rob your right to enjoy your happy life.

 

People who don't put enough stock in themselves are insecure and have a tendency to become easily irritated, agitated, insecure, jealous and envious. Remember that those whom you are jealous and envious of have something you don't have. You don't know if they demonstrate and show the world only what you're allowed to see about them while they deliberately hide or conceal their deep seeded pain, haunted pasts, perhaps they were traumatized, embroiled in a tumultuous personal life, hail from broken, dysfunctional, toxic families, sustained poor health, financial struggle and relentless hardship. Those feelings of jealousy and envy are unfounded and unwarranted. Learn to count your blessings and be grateful. Your stewing jealous and envious feelings will go away.

 

When you love yourself, you shift focus away from others whom you're jealous and envious of and concentrate on your blessed life.

 

It's not about doing something in order to elevate one's self worth. It's changing your psychological way of thinking in order to have a new perspective so you're not preoccupied with people who could care less about you. They're certainly not jealous and envious of you so why should you bother being jealous and envious of them? People are very busy living their own lives and surviving so do the same. Indifference is good because thinking less of others is less stressful and you'll make your angst disappear.

 

Feelings of jealousy and envy only eats you up and it's so unnecessary. It's better to let it go and not allow feelings of jealousy and envy get a grip on your life.

 

This is why it's important to love yourself more and give yourself a mental break. Be kind to yourself meaning don't cause undue stress upon oneself. When you love yourself and when you're kind to yourself, you're giving yourself self-respect and you will find peace and security from within. This is how you reign in control and become a joyous person. Bitterness and resentment will go away when you change and you start by giving yourself the power of positive thinking.

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