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How to get over being possibly used as a rebound?


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I feel like the possibility that I was a rebound has hurt my self esteem loads...I know rejection is never anything personal per se but I can't get out of my own head that he only saw me because I was 'convenient'.

Main reason why I think I was a possible rebound: he was only 2 months out of a 2 year relationship when we first started dating

Reasons why I'm possibly not: we lived about 1.5 hours away from each other, so I was hardly the most 'convenient' of girls to date. Plus he was the one to do the dumping

 

When we first started dating, he would make reference to something 'great' happening between us, going away together etc. And then suddenly, he's all 'I don't want a relationship right now'. Like a complete 180. Is it possible for people to think they're ready and then realise, actually, they're not? Ugh, the idea of being someone's rebound makes me feel so unattractive.

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Sorry for the hurt.

 

How long were you two together? The tough thing about all relationships, regardless of the rebound business, is that, yes, people can go from genuinely believing themselves to be ready to genuinely no longer feeling that way. The reasons for that are numerous, from unprocessed past pain being stirred up to simply having doubts about compatibility to...well, the list is long.

 

Knowing romance is always a risk, all we can do is try our best to assess the risk while trusting we’re strong enough to take whatever comes. Someone two months out of a two year relationship? Sure, there’s plenty of risk there, too much for many. But does that mean his 180 was because you were a “rebound”? Not necessarily.

 

Sometimes it all just sucks, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. As you yourself said, rejection really isn’t a verdict on you but a verdict on someone else: who they are, where they are, and that, for whatever reason, they can’t keep stepping forward with you and alongside you. When I’ve been in your shoes I try to remind myself that the person I want to be with will also want to be with me, so someone choosing otherwise just means they’re not the someone for me.

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It's possible he just said what he felt he needed to say to get you to sleep with him. He probably got bored of his 2 year relationship and just wanted to sleep around for a while and enjoy the single life.

 

So probably not a rebound, but still used. Sorry I guess that does not feel any better.

 

Never make yourself easy or convenient. Anything obtained easily does not feel as valuable.

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In actuality, a guy might choose an LDR because he wants a short term relationship, and it's worth a few mini trips for sex, and then when he does the dumping, the woman is not around the corner so he's less likely to run into her around town, and she's less likely to show up at his workplace or home, begging for a second chance. I don't understand your statement that he was the one to do the dumping for why you weren't a rebound.

 

Many of us have had frustrating and upsetting dating experiences. It's a life lesson. Make some dating rules for yourself to avoid rebound situations, LDRs, and any other red flags you encounter. I've certainly made many mistakes, and repeated them even, but now I appreciate my husband that much more after experiencing men who were not worthy of me, or right for me.

 

It's pointless to try to get inside a person's head who is in your past. No matter the reason, he let wonderful you go, so he's the dumb one. Fate has someone better in store for you if you stick to a must-have list and reject people on the dealbreaker list. Take care.

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In actuality, a guy might choose an LDR because he wants a short term relationship, and it's worth a few mini trips for sex, and then when he does the dumping, the woman is not around the corner so he's less likely to run into her around town, and she's less likely to show up at his workplace or home, begging for a second chance. I don't understand your statement that he was the one to do the dumping for why you weren't a rebound.

 

Many of us have had frustrating and upsetting dating experiences. It's a life lesson. Make some dating rules for yourself to avoid rebound situations, LDRs, and any other red flags you encounter. I've certainly made many mistakes, and repeated them even, but now I appreciate my husband that much more after experiencing men who were not worthy of me, or right for me.

 

It's pointless to try to get inside a person's head who is in your past. No matter the reason, he let wonderful you go, so he's the dumb one. Fate has someone better in store for you if you stick to a must-have list and reject people on the dealbreaker list. Take care.

 

It's just difficult to think of myself as 'wonderful' in this scenario. I know I can never compete with an ex due to the fact that they have history etc etc but the idea of being used makes me feel so...gross? Like I'm just not pretty enough to actually want to DATE

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It's time to pull yourself out of the ditch and try not to victimize yourself. Feeling used doesn't feel good because it comes from a position of powerlessness and helplessness. Try looking at it this way: you are your own person, you made the decision to date him. You were an active participant. Your activity and decisions have led you to this point but it's not the end of the world. A person, at any time, does reserve the right to decide when a relationship is not right. You shouldn't be second guessing who you are or what your worth is.

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I’ve never been a big fan of the idea of “being used” when it comes to these moments. Sure, there are exceptions, but more often than not there’s just the reality that humans are complicated and a sustained connection between strangers is rare.

 

The early days are very fragile, and I think it’s always important to remember that almost anything can happen in the first 3 months or so: hot can go cold, sweet turns sour, charming turns out to be manipulative, affectionate becomes clingy, and so on, in the blink of an eye. You’re both still getting to know each other, figuring out if you can become a real thing or a thing that fades. When someone opts out it just means you weren’t meant to be, not that you can’t compete with an ex or aren’t pretty enough. It just means you met someone who is not a proper custodian to your awesomeness.

 

These misfires, while painful, can help us fine tune our compass. That doesn’t mean we become brittle, cynical people wounded by being “used,” but just more careful about who we choose to open up to and how we go about the business of opening up.

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OP -

 

1) Realize that the quicker that you move through this obstacle, the closer you will move towards the right person for you.

2) Don't take this personally. It doesn't matter if you were a rebound. Your inherent value did not disappear even if you were. Just try to learn the cues of a guy that is overly attentive because he might be in rebound mode.

3) Don't spend your emotional capital on guys that aren't meant for you. You don't want to be worn out and cynical when the right guy shows up. The longer you waste grieving what's not supposed to be, the longer it takes you to find the right person. I don't know how old you are, but this is especially important if you want kids.

4) Be thankful that he moved on, even if rejection hurts like a b***. This is his way of saying that you were missing an incompatibility and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. And you would have wasted time. God will give you something better than you thought you could choose for yourself, if you let go of those men that don't work out.

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Well, that's right, being a rebound is not personal. Anyone could be "used" as a rebound and normally the only way to avoid it is to be on guard and not let it happen to you. No offence but it seems extremely likely that someone that just came out of a two year relationship two months ago would be on the rebound. It's not really possible that after two years they can be over their ex fully and ready for something serious in only two months. The only thing they can offer people is probably sex and not much more. If you're looking for sex then sure it can be fine. But if you want a relationship I think it's best to avoid people that are just out of a break up.

 

Hopefully you weren't in love with this guy after only about 1.5 months and you can try as best as you can to move on.

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Hey most rebounders truly believe this is it, you are the one, etc. They are on such a high. Then they come back to earth and realize it's not true and they feel just awful for pulling you into it. Happens to pretty much everyone...but that is what life does to us...we get a few lumps, we learn, dust ourselves off and we move on. Honestly I don't think there are many people that wake up in the morning and say "I'm going use and hurt someone today".

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I'm sorry you were used as a rebound. :icon_sad:

 

Yes, you were a rebound since it had been only 2 months out of his 2 year relationship when you two started dating.

 

Distance in miles doesn't matter. It's the timing that matters. He plunged into a relationship too soon and used you as a temporary substitute for his ex.

 

It doesn't matter that you were inconvenient due to living 1.5 hrs away and it doesn't matter that he did the dumping. Again, it's his timing that makes you the rebound.

 

He wasn't ready for you nor anybody. He was just biding his time until it was convenient to dump you just like he dumped his ex and move onto another woman after you. It will be of no surprise when he dumps the woman after you. Same MO (method of operation). Same old song. He has a pattern of self-destructing relationships. Don't you see?

 

Be glad that you were dumped. He's a loser. Stay away from losers.

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I'm sorry you were used as a rebound. :icon_sad:

 

Yes, you were a rebound since it had been only 2 months out of his 2 year relationship when you two started dating.

 

Distance in miles doesn't matter. It's the timing that matters. He plunged into a relationship too soon and used you as a temporary substitute for his ex.

 

It doesn't matter that you were inconvenient due to living 1.5 hrs away and it doesn't matter that he did the dumping. Again, it's his timing that makes you the rebound.

 

He wasn't ready for you nor anybody. He was just biding his time until it was convenient to dump you just like he dumped his ex and move onto another woman after you. It will be of no surprise when he dumps the woman after you. Same MO (method of operation). Same old song. He has a pattern of self-destructing relationships. Don't you see?

 

Be glad that you were dumped. He's a loser. Stay away from losers.

 

I know...it was actually me who did the dumping because I realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

 

Is it possible that if you’re a rebound they can still find you attractive/like you somewhat? I just feel so low about myself. I don’t want him to have used me just because I was there. You know, I’d like to think he at least found me attractive if he was having sex with me/taking me out etc. I just feel so ugly

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Someone you went out on a handful of dates with over the course of 7 weeks has nothing to do with your self worth. Therapy would help you tone down this self-pitying dialogue of "I'm too ugly", "I was used", etc. This has to do with you, not how long this guy was out of a relationship or any other issue you would like to ascribe to him.

Only about 1.5-2 months. thank you :(
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Someone you went out on a handful of dates with over the course of 7 weeks has nothing to do with your self worth. Therapy would help you tone down this self-pitying dialogue of "I'm too ugly", "I was used", etc. This has to do with you, not how long this guy was out of a relationship or any other issue you would like to ascribe to him.

 

I am in therapy but it’s obviously a work in progress

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I know...it was actually me who did the dumping because I realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

 

Is it possible that if you’re a rebound they can still find you attractive/like you somewhat? I just feel so low about myself. I don’t want him to have used me just because I was there. You know, I’d like to think he at least found me attractive if he was having sex with me/taking me out etc. I just feel so ugly

 

On the surface, the more you write, what you are describing is just healthy dating. Not being used, not being ugly, but just dating. You met a guy, were curious, explored things. Had some fun, but realized something was off, that he couldn't give you what you need from romance. So you ended it after 6 weeks to be able to find someone more compatible, available in the ways you need. Great!

 

Except below the surface you are plummeting, doubting yourself, feeling unattractive, drawn to a negative, self-defeating story of victimization about being "used," and I don't think the reasons really have anything to do with him. I think you kind of felt all those things before meeting him, liked when he made those feelings go away, and are now upset that he didn't prove to be a forever cure for those feelings—upset, you could say, that he couldn't be "used" by you in the way you hoped. The lesson here should be that wanting strangers to cure our deep hurt and tame our demons is just a path toward more hurt. It feeds those demons.

 

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy, because unpacking this stuff, learning where these thoughts come from, is what therapy, not dating, is for. Get to the root of it and you can start thinking, feeling differently, and dating from a place of self-empowerment rather than dating to feel empowered and feeling disempowered when things go sideways.

 

As smackie said, there are very few people in the world who wake up and say, "I'm going to use and hurt someone today." I highly doubt that's what his agenda was. If he was spending time with you, saying nice things, taking his clothes off with you—then, yes, he found you attractive, liked you. He also, for whatever reason, didn't have it in him to offer you what you needed. That doesn't make him a monster, or a loser. It makes him a human being who isn't "your" human.

 

This is what dating is. Most people we meet and flirt with getting involved with do not become our husbands or wives, and even husbands and wives are not answers to our inner turmoil. They are just people. If you can't get somewhat comfortable with that reality, confident that you can take these moments without losing your sense of self and worth, you're going to be in for a lot more hurt and you'll likely view men, the gender you're hoping to connect with, as monsters and losers instead of fellow human beings with their own unique complexities.

 

You were not used. You are not ugly. I wouldn't even bother trying to figure out if you were a rebound. You met guy who turned out to not have what you needed, and so, to use your language, you "rejected" him. It's a bummer, but let that be the story. A few weeks from now you may find yourself going on a date or 7 with guy who is really keen on you but who you, for whatever reasons, are lukewarm on. Happens. Humanity. Wouldn't make you a loser or a monster or a user, just someone who was running warm next to someone running hot.

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On the surface, the more you write, what you are describing is just healthy dating. Not being used, not being ugly, but just dating. You met a guy, were curious, explored things. Had some fun, but realized something was off, that he couldn't give you what you need from romance. So you ended it after 6 weeks to be able to find someone more compatible, available in the ways you need. Great!

 

Except below the surface you are plummeting, doubting yourself, feeling unattractive, drawn to a negative, self-defeating story of victimization about being "used," and I don't think the reasons really have anything to do with him. I think you kind of felt all those things before meeting him, liked when he made those feelings go away, and are now upset that he didn't prove to be a forever cure for those feelings—upset, you could say, that he couldn't be "used" by you in the way you hoped. The lesson here should be that wanting strangers to cure our deep hurt and tame our demons is just a path toward more hurt. It feeds those demons.

 

I'm glad to hear you're in therapy, because unpacking this stuff, learning where these thoughts come from, is what therapy, not dating, is for. Get to the root of it and you can start thinking, feeling differently, and dating from a place of self-empowerment rather than dating to feel empowered and feeling disempowered when things go sideways.

 

As smackie said, there are very few people in the world who wake up and say, "I'm going to use and hurt someone today." I highly doubt that's what his agenda was. If he was spending time with you, saying nice things, taking his clothes off with you—then, yes, he found you attractive, liked you. He also, for whatever reason, didn't have it in him to offer you what you needed. That doesn't make him a monster, or a loser. It makes him a human being who isn't "your" human.

 

This is what dating is. Most people we meet and flirt with getting involved with do not become our husbands or wives, and even husbands and wives are not answers to our inner turmoil. They are just people. If you can't get somewhat comfortable with that reality, confident that you can take these moments without losing your sense of self and worth, you're going to be in for a lot more hurt and you'll likely view men, the gender you're hoping to connect with, as monsters and losers instead of fellow human beings with their own unique complexities.

 

You were not used. You are not ugly. I wouldn't even bother trying to figure out if you were a rebound. You met guy who turned out to not have what you needed, and so, to use your language, you "rejected" him. It's a bummer, but let that be the story. A few weeks from now you may find yourself going on a date or 7 with guy who is really keen on you but who you, for whatever reasons, are lukewarm on. Happens. Humanity. Wouldn't make you a loser or a monster or a user, just someone who was running warm next to someone running hot.

 

Wow, this is almost exactly what i needed to hear, thank you so much. So straight to thepoint yet really healing words. I agree, therapy is necessary, and you’re right in I had those feelings before he came along and almost relied on him for temporary ‘curing’ so to speak. This is definitely something I will bring up in my next therapy session and hopefully I can begin to work on myself for the future. Again, thank you.

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I know...it was actually me who did the dumping because I realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

 

Is it possible that if you’re a rebound they can still find you attractive/like you somewhat? I just feel so low about myself. I don’t want him to have used me just because I was there. You know, I’d like to think he at least found me attractive if he was having sex with me/taking me out etc. I just feel so ugly

 

Well, it's good that you dumped him. He's a bad apple.

 

I doubt he sincerely thought you were attractive because he was deceitful and wanted an instant woman while he remained insecure because he recently broke up. You were only temporary in the back of his mind and if he felt a nub of attraction towards you, why would you want to value this? You were just his passing fancy he was merely passing through.

 

I'm sorry you feel so low. Try to change your thinking into thoughts of feeling grateful and RELIEVED that you got rid of this bum from you life. "Good riddance" is what I'd say! Be glad that you dumped him!

 

Whenever you feel hurt, turn these thoughts around to feeling relieved that you've learned something from this ex-guy of yours. You became wiser and smarter. You now know that in the future, you will become more discriminatory, shop around more, become more selective, picky and choosy. Pain teaches you never to make the same mistake twice. Live and learn. This is what you walked away so it was not all in vain. Wisdom was gained. It's like an education. You became wise and you will navigate your life more cautiously and intelligently in your future. Chin up. Stay strong, lady.

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It's time to pull yourself out of the ditch and try not to victimize yourself. Feeling used doesn't feel good because it comes from a position of powerlessness and helplessness. Try looking at it this way: you are your own person, you made the decision to date him. You were an active participant. Your activity and decisions have led you to this point but it's not the end of the world. A person, at any time, does reserve the right to decide when a relationship is not right. You shouldn't be second guessing who you are or what your worth is.

 

I agree. There's really no such thing as being used as a rebound without our own participation and consent. Most of us have had to learn the hard way that we're each responsible for screening out people who are fresh out of a breakup. Nobody who is rebounding will say say that that's what they're doing, so that's where we need to step up and replace someone else's lousy judgment with our own better judgment.

 

Head high, and consider yourself far better off for a lesson learned and liberation from a bad match.

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