How to go from break up during a break to back together

[Wiseman2]

Was it a gift or a loan? Can you prove that? Usually money given during a relationship with nothing in writing is considered a gift. She's avoiding you because she wants to 'take the money and run'. Listen it's hard to admit you were played for a fool, but the sooner you cut your losses the better.

Why throw away 1000€? What benefit do I have from not contacting her about it?

[TestTest]

A loan - she did not even want to take it at first because she said she does not like the feeling of owing money and that she will pay me back. Not sure with what kind of people you had to deal with so far in your life but I am not as pessimistic as you. She might not love me anymore but she is not trying to "run"

[boltnrun]

Why throw away 1000€? What benefit do I have from not contacting her about it? If I should treat this as over, there is also no way to make it worse right? So why not ask for it back?

Also she did not tell me to throw away her stuff - how can I just go ahead and do it then? Also: What a waste of money and ressources.

 

That's a lot of excuses! Wow!

 

What kind of repayment agreement did you set up with her at the time you lent her the money?

 

Would you be asking for repayment if she hadn't broken up with you?

[TestTest]

Don't understand why you are asking this again. Please let me know the logic behind these questions. What do I stand to lose by asking her for it instead of keeping my mouth shut if this is not going to work out anyway according to the general consensus?

 

I wouldn't ask for it if we were still together - because it then is in our "combined" money pool and only shifted the account it is in. You only "lose" the money once you are no longer with your partner. At least that's how I see it.

[bluecastle]

Going out on a date to distract yourself from being fixated on someone you were just dating, and still want to be dating, is generally a way to ensure that you continue to outsource you center to other people. End result? You'll find yourself connecting with people with blurry centers, straining to find depth in the shallows.

 

Also? It's a pretty surefire way to ensure that your fixation is magnified and your emotional growth stunted, since you're essentially turning a new person into a magnifying glass on the old person, a way to stay in the same place under the guise of stepping forward. You're risking making your gauge of a woman's worth, and your connection to a woman, dependent on her ability to surpass another woman you're emotionally caught up in. The good ones will sense this. They'll want to be more than that, and they'll want more of a center to lean into.

 

Honestly? I think you are pretty fixated on being fixated on someone, at the expense of your own depths. You can choose to explore that instinct, to ask yourself if it's inhibiting the kind of connections you're really after—both within yourself and with others—or you can continue to chase the drug of fixation, intoxication, to reach for the loftiest of words, like love, to describe what sounds to my eyes and ears a lot more like escapism, drug-seeking.

 

I understand you're bummed right now, flailing a bit. How you deal with that is your choice, and those choices will coalesce into the man you are. But what you're describing as otherworldly with this woman—hot sex, a quick jolt of delicious feelings and hopes—is basically what dating is. It's not magic. It's point of entry, the first few doors we walk through to get to the castle. It becomes magic if it continues organically, if both people show a sustained willingness and desire to keep opening doors together, stepping through them together.

 

She's not doing that. Interestingly, there seems to be a direct correlation between her pulling away and you deeming her the love of your life. But buddy? If she was such a big love you'd be mourning it, not trying to snuff it out (or re-spark it?) by setting up a date with someone new.

 

I encourage you to try to be a little more humble, a little more honest. Someone you were dating is turning out to be a dud. Which happens. Which sucks. And so you're stepping back into the pond. Fine. I'd suggest you stay out of the pond for a hot minute, so your compass can stop spinning.

[GatorXP]

Don't understand why you are asking this again. Please let me know the logic behind these questions. What do I stand to lose by asking her for it instead of keeping my mouth shut if this is not going to work out anyway according to the general consensus?

 

I wouldn't ask for it if we were still together - because it then is in our "combined" money pool and only shifted the account it is in. You only "lose" the money once you are no longer with your partner. At least that's how I see it.

Clearly it doesn't look good for working out, she appears uninterested in moving forward. Your doing the right thing and have a date.

 

Might as well try to recover the cash, I doubt you'll be successful but no point in not trying to set up payments

[Rose Mosse]

The whole thing is a bit off and has the feel of a slow fade. Ask her what her finances are like and when it's realistic to expect the money if you want the money back. If she's traveling abroad, there's a slim likelihood you'll see that any time soon and hanging on to the idea of getting your cash back will be like catching unicorns (it's not realistic). She never would have accepted the cash in the first place if she didn't need it. Asking for it back makes you appear unattractive and a bit small-minded in the larger scheme although I don't blame you for trying to recover an expensive mistake.

 

Re-adjust all those ideas you once had about what dating a person means. Keep a better eye on your finances and be a little less generous if you can't afford it. At this time it's your word against hers regarding the money.

 

I wouldn't suggest dating anyone at this time while you're tying up loose ends. You're not at your best and people will see right through that. Unfortunately there are indiscriminate folks who will use that to their advantage and I think you're vulnerable. You may also be at risk for greater mistakes or misunderstandings regarding your finances in your vulnerability and emotional ties to your ex. Think of what will happen once your ex returns from Japan or the next time you get a text message from her. Do you feel well or stable enough to handle that while dating someone else?

 

Realistically, this is the reason why many have suggested to let the money go. It's a good idea to end communications with this person in Japan and move on without any strings attached. It's your choice.

[boltnrun]

If you find yourself talking about your ex during this date (other than "I am recently out of a relationship") you are not in any shape to be dating.

[TestTest]

She is not in Japan anymore and will also not travel anymore. She is back now. The travel phase is over - which is why I thought it to be one of the reasons her feelings changed (it's a huge step in her life with the studies coming to an end and the travel phase is a major trigger to signal this)

 

Date went well - but I did not feel a spark. Also why would I talk about my ex during a date? I talked about my 10year relationship because that always comes up somehow when talking about vacation destinations or whatever but other than that it would be super unattractive to talk about stuff like that. You guys must think I am stupid 😁

I did catch myself thinking though that this whole first date situation felt much more natural and comfortable with my "ex"

[TestTest]

She contacted me today to ask if I still wanted to meet and when I have time to do so. Let's see what she has to say - I will try to go into this with no expectations and just see if she has to say anything.

[Lonely1sland]

Dude, I'm sorry but this is sad. You need to stop, read these replies, and listen to what they've been telling you. Based on everything you've told us this relationship is over, yet you continue to convince yourself that there is something there, when it really doesn't seem like it. You need to step back and think logically instead of thinking with your heart, and re-assess your situation because you seem to be heading in a very bad direction.

 

It's very clear that she is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with you (maybe any relationship whatsoever) and there are so many signs yet you refuse to acknowledge them despite everyone's advice. Relationships are a two way road. If one person is no longer interested, no amount of love from the other will change that.

 

1. "she told me that she does not know what is going on but that she does not feel the same way about me anymore.

She apparently still feels attracted to me but it is different to how it was and it bothers her. She said she knows that she is the problem here but she just can't tell me why she feels this way."

 

- It's obvious, that for her, this relationship is over. It's highly likely that she gave it ~6 months to see where it went with you, but it just wasn't for her. This happens all the time. It sucks because you probably thought it was going so great, but she probably didn't feel the same way after awhile. Now she's just letting you down, trying not to hurt you.

 

2. " I also got the impression that we have a classic anxious-avoidant relationship with me being anxious and overly clingy (I'd even say I feel codependent... So I can understand that she might have started to feel different."

 

You said it yourself right here. This is probably what killed it for her. Co-dependency will kill any relationship and make you look sad and pathetic.

 

3. "Is NC in this situation really gonna help me? I enjoy helping people and I want to be there for her if she really is going through something."

 

Yes. It will help you move on and become an independent and attractive person again. She isn't interested in you being there for anything

 

4. "She said she did not have the time to arrive at the same conclusion and that she accepts the break up for now...To setting a date she just replied I should let her get back home first."

 

Clear signs she is not interested and is trying to let you down easy. Unfortunately maybe she doesn't realize she's feeding you crumbs which you are enthusiastically gobbling up.

 

5. "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them"

 

This is really really really horrible advice. They broke up with you! They want to create the emotional distance! Give her what she wants which is to not be with you. Strict NC. Disappear from her life. You think by staying in contact with her, she'll magically change her mind? That's not how real life works. 100% NC, move on. Heal. IF she wants to be back with you she'll make it painfully obvious, till then you really need to move on with your life and never initiate contact again.

 

6. "because she did want to be in a relationship with me and not wanting to break up"

 

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She doesn't want to break up because she probably wants to be in a relationship...just not with you. Sorry bud, she said it herself.

 

7. "And yes my "center is outsourced to her" because as I said: she gave me all I ever wanted. Also I don't have much dating experience so can't compare how much other people have to offer. Right now I only know it was awesome to be with her and I can't imagine it is that easy to find this again (if at all possible even) - so how can one not try everything in their own power to make it work again?"

 

This is so sad and cringe-y. Do you know how much pressure that is on another party? You have literally made her the source of your happiness and that is the most unattractive thing you can do in a relationship. It's suffocating and puts a lot of pressure on them to make you happy. Trying "everything" will not work if the other side does no reciprocate. In tennis, you can hit the ball as many times or as hard as you want, but the game doesn't happen unless the other person hits it back. She doesn't want to hit the ball back.

 

8. "for me as long as she has stuff from me and as long as I have stuff from her I can't treat this as over in my head"

 

Put her stuff in a box and drop it off or tell her to pick it up otherwise you're throwing it away. If you think this is the only way you can move on.

 

9. "She contacted me today to ask if I still wanted to meet and when I have time to do so. Let's see what she has to say - I will try to go into this with no expectations and just see if she has to say anything."

 

I'm guessing this will not end the way you want it to. The best thing you can do when she inevitably reiterates that it's over is to hold your head high and tell her okay and that you'll be going NC to help you get over it and ask her not to contact you unless she 100% wants to be with you. Good luck.

 

P.S. Listen to these replies. They are giving great advice and showing you why you need to move on. In the vulnerable state you're in now, you should listen to these people as they are thinking logically while you continue to think emotionally.

[boltnrun]

Ok, so bring her "things" and a draft of a repayment agreement. That way you won't have any reason to contact her again except to receive the payments. She can make the payments electronically so it's easy.

[TestTest]

Yeah I see that I am trying to use every word of hers as some sort of sign, trying to read something from between the lines that just isn't there and again making my mood dependent on her actions. I hope this is over soon so that I can finally try to get calm again and not be so edgy all the time.

 

Today I do feel resentful towards her for being so unempathetic and for how she behaves right now with the texting etc. I get that I am not a priority but it's just not nice to treat anyone this way. Makes me wonder if she has always been this way and that I was deeply wrong about her as a person or if that is just a mechanism for her to deal with this.

 

How can you hold your head high in a situation like this? I feel like when I am going to see her I'd like to burst out and ask her what she thinks she is doing and why she is treating me this way even when I have always been good to her. I actually would love to say all this to her right now but that's never a good idea to do via text or phone 😅

[ninjabib]

To be able to hold your head up high you need self-respect and you can begin to rebuild that by moving on with your life and stop hanging on like a lost puppy.

 

She's offering you nothing and tbf is quite clear about it. She's not playing games from what I've read. She's been honest.

 

You are now free to go and do anything you want with your life. Party, socialise, make new friends, meet new girls, get new hobbies etc etc yet all you want to do is pine after someone who doesnt want you as anymore than a friend.

 

If you haven't got it written down anywhere that the money was strictly a loan then forget abiut it!! You won't get it back. Is the 1000 worth constantly feeling stuck and crappy over?

 

You are actually in total control of how you feel but you've passed it all to her and she's not interested which is why she's cold. She doesnt want you contacting her.

 

I would block delete and move on. Life's too short and she's just one girl.

[TestTest]

No point in defending myself - we have different world views I guess.

[ninjabib]

Just trying to help you see what everyone else can. I know it's easier for us on the outside but we've all been there and we know it's crappy but there's no other way to heal.

[GatorXP]

Yeah I see that I am trying to use every word of hers as some sort of sign, trying to read something from between the lines that just isn't there and again making my mood dependent on her actions. I hope this is over soon so that I can finally try to get calm again and not be so edgy all the time.

 

Today I do feel resentful towards her for being so unempathetic and for how she behaves right now with the texting etc. I get that I am not a priority but it's just not nice to treat anyone this way. Makes me wonder if she has always been this way and that I was deeply wrong about her as a person or if that is just a mechanism for her to deal with this.

 

How can you hold your head high in a situation like this? I feel like when I am going to see her I'd like to burst out and ask her what she thinks she is doing and why she is treating me this way even when I have always been good to her. I actually would love to say all this to her right now but that's never a good idea to do via text or phone [emoji28]

On the resentment. You need to clear that.

 

If a Tiger eats your dog, should you resent the tiger. No it's an F-ing [emoji234] it's doing what it does and it is absolutely perfect. She is no different.

 

You are not entitled to anything, you create your own reality.

[bluecastle]

I hope this is over soon so that I can finally try to get calm again and not be so edgy all the time.

 

What's with the passive attitude?

 

It can all be over whenever you decide it needs to be over. That sentence applies to a week-long fling and a thirty year marriage. Personally, almost all of my relationships—from short ones like yours, to the long ones—have ended because edginess has come to be my dominant state of being. I know myself. I'm not an anxious or edgy person, have a very low threshold for feeling that way very long. So anything that makes me feel that way is something that needs to be addressed. If addressing it calmly, the best I know how, inside the source of the edginess fails—be it a relationship or something work-related—then I know it's time to cut that out. Never an "easy" decision, but always the obvious one.

 

I can't help but get the feeling that you really don't know who you are outside of a relationship. I'd look at the way you feel, right now, as life challenging you to get to know yourself better so you're not so dependent on romance to be the source of your confidence, your meaning. Once you know your level, and respect that level, you'll be drawn to people who respect it back. Those who don't, can't? Rather than feel resentment you'll just feel a melancholy kind of knowledge—not the person for you. Resentment, after all, rarely has anything to do with another's actions. It has to do with the way we handle those actions.

 

Humility is your friend right now, ego your enemy. Your ego, far more than her, is what is causing you so much hurt and confusion right now. You're like a guy laying out on the beach in a snowstorm pretending it's a sunny day. You can stay there, naked and freezing and trying to figure out why the snow is so mean, cursing the weather as if it exists just for you, or you can stand up, go inside, and get warm. You just don't know what your "inside" is, because you haven't given yourself time to discover it. Give yourself that time and you will be much, much better off than you are right now.

[TestTest]

In my world you treat people with respect and are nice to them as long as they deserve it. I always treated her well so I do find it disrespectful and can't find anything fair or good about this. She is not a tiger but a human in full control of her behavior. Let's see how long it takes me to move on - will not be easy but at least I find this all to slowly change my glorified view of her into one that I can accept to better live without. Just to say it again: it's basically the first time someone ends a relationship with me that I still found to be going great - completely new experience and boy does it suck.

 

And yeah I really don't know who I am outside of a relationship - I always enjoyed it and love supporting someone. There is nothing better than not sleeping alone at night and have someone to come home to. I always wanted stability - which is probably why I stayed with my previous girlfriend for so long even though it wasn't good anymore. I am also scared to not find someone better. It's a lot that comes together right now. Thanks for listening everyone - it's good just writing it down

[ninjabib]

Life ain't fair. Maybe she is being disrespectful but thats only because you are allowing her to be. Block and it all ends. Self respect comes back.

[boltnrun]

I thought I needed my ex in my life. Until I finally got sick of acting like a wuss and removed him from my life.

 

Up to that point I'd been suffering from debilitating anxiety. Amazingly, once I took myself out of that situation my anxiety vanished. Poof, like a puff of smoke.

[bluecastle]

I hope what I'm about to say doesn't feel like hitting you when your down, because it's not my intention. My intention is to try to get you to see things a bit differently, and find some comfort, clarity, and confidence there.

 

Anyhow, what you just said? It's a lot of noble, high-minded, and selfless language to mask and rationalize what is a pretty selfish mindset. You seem to think, because of how you treated her, how you feel, and what you want, that it is her duty—or even a human duty—to treat you exactly the same, feel what you feel, want what you want. Or, put simply: You're just pissed that she's not into you.

 

That doesn't make her a witch, however. She may not feel like you treated her so well, you know? She may think you were clingy, overbearing, self-involved. She may think you never quite listened to her, that the only voice in a room you're capable of hearing is your own. She may think you're hot in the sack but a drag at the dinner table. She may think you're not a great match for her. And you know what? Those are all hard facts, in her story, if she thinks them.

 

Most of life is unfair. In sports, sure, there are rules and referees to ensure fair competition, but even there it's not always "fair." One guy is simply faster than the other guy. A ref blows a call. Besides, life is not a game, and it's more interesting because of that. Is it fair that I only make X amount of money being at the top of my fragile creative industry while some drone half my age makes more crunching code at a tech startup? No. But it's life. Is it fair that the very cool woman I had sex with for four days last year decided, on day 5, that she didn't want to have sex with me anymore? No, but life.

 

You are cultivating a transactional view of romance right now, and that's dangerous. I do wonder if she sensed this. Women do not exist on planet earth to be nice to you when you, in your eyes, are nice to them. They are not rewards for your behavior. They are just people, with their own free will. She is exerting hers. She was exerting it when she was gravitating toward you, and she is exerting it now in moving away from you. It's the dark side of the beautiful coin. It does suck. But it is a thing that happens on the journey to finding solid, mutually-serving relationships—the ones that aren't about transactions but just about connection.

[boltnrun]

I agree with Bluecastle.

 

This isn't the same thing, but there was a friend I had who was quite a bit younger and down on her luck. She was going to college and working part time. Her mother was a habitual drug user so she lived with her dad, who was super involved with a low quality woman who then got HIM into drugs. This poor girl was 17 and had no adults she could count on.

 

So I stepped in. When she got a boyfriend I took her to Planned Parenthood to get her condoms and on birth control. I took her to an event dinner we both wanted to go to and paid for everything. I brought her with me when I went places. She came with me when I visited the guy I was dating at the time so she could get out of the house. I supported her emotionally when her boyfriend became abusive (he pushed her and she fell and broke her ankle...)

 

And what did she do in return? She started sleeping with the guy I was dating behind my back! Some friend!

 

I told people "After all I did for her, this is how she thanks me??". But, regardless of what I did for her, she did not HAVE to thank me or act grateful. It would have been nice, but she didn't. So I cut her off and no longer provided any kind of support, emotional or otherwise. When she started using drugs and her life spiraled I stayed out of it.

 

I see this all the time..."But I did soooooo much for him! But I didn't cheat, I treated her like a queen and she left me anyway!!" It's lousy, but we can't do a thing to change it.

 

Acceptance will bring peace, eventually.

[Lonely1sland]

Anyhow, what you just said? It's a lot of noble, high-minded, and selfless language to mask and rationalize what is a pretty selfish mindset. You seem to think, because of how you treated her, how you feel, and what you want, that it is her duty—or even a human duty—to treat you exactly the same, feel what you feel, want what you want. Or, put simply: You're just pissed that she's not into you.

 

100% this! Does OP not realize that she is entitled to her own choices? You may feel hurt or disrespected, but she was doing what she felt was best for her and who are you to stop her? You can’t make someone want to be with you.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. Someone is madly in love with you but you want nothing to do with them. Would you say you’re disrespecting them by not reciprocating their feelings? Of course not. We, as humans, are free to make our choices and she chooses not to be with you and there is nothing wrong with that.

[TestTest]

Agree to parts - don't to others. It's an interesting topic to talk about though.

She does not have to feel the same way as I do - I get that something like that can change - even when I don't like or understand it.

 

Will have to think about the transactional mindset - I never saw it that way, but only me trying to not make the same mistakes as before and actively appreciating her by doing what I can to make her life better. If she needs me or anything I would try to make it happen. That's who I am - and it's what always made me proud. My friends and family know that they can count on me. Be it emotionally, financially or whatever. If I can help the people I love I will do what I can for them.

In a way this surely is transactional - but then we have to allow for no true altruism to exist because you always get something in return.

 

Also I have the feeling that you guys think when I talk about her not being respectful I am talking about her not wanting to be in a relationship with me. That's not what I mean. She does not have to be with me if she does not want to. But she should treat me respectfully even after separating from me - that's what I mean.