How to go from break up during a break to back together

[maew]

When did she say that specifically? She said we should have a break so that she can try to figure out why she feels the way she does as she can't understand why she feels this way and because she wants to fix it (I then broke up with her to regain at least some control instead of just waiting for her to make up her mind). In all fairness though she did say during our last call when I mentioned that I thought we had the motivation to make it work that at the moment she just can't promise me anything and doesn't know whether she wants to or not.

This all does not sound as black and white to me as it might to you - but maybe I am just naive :(

 

I think she was pretty clear here:

 

she accepts the break up for now.

 

The way she is communicating is leaving hooks in, so I can see why you are confused, however it's important to look beyond just what she is saying to her actions... she has told you she wants a break, she then said she accepts the break up. All of the other stuff in between is to keep you on the hook because she doesn't want to feel guilty for cutting you off completely. She thinks she is letting you down gently, however when people communicate this way I think it just creates even more confusion.

 

Take my word and the word of the others here... we have all been there many times, she is showing you by her words and actions combined that she is done with the relationship. The pulling away, the saying she accepts the break up, the not reaching out... she is done OP and no amount of manipulating or chasing is going to change her mind.

[TestTest]

I am really confused. Should I believe you (which part of me does because it seems logical) or should I believe what she told me three weeks ago (which was that she will only have time to think about us after she gets back). In the second case I would wait a couple days and hope for her to figure out what's wrong with her (her words not mine) in the first case I'd obviously save myself the trouble and just contact her to get my stuff.

[GatorXP]

I am really confused. Should I believe you (which part of me does because it seems logical) or should I believe what she told me three weeks ago (which was that she will only have time to think about us after she gets back). In the second case I would wait a couple days and hope for her to figure out what's wrong with her (her words not mine) in the first case I'd obviously save myself the trouble and just contact her to get my stuff.

That's the point. It doesn't matter what u believe. Both are probably both true, she obviously has at least some form of cognitive dissonance.

 

Which is why u breaking up with her was a good idea. But then you didn't follow thru with the take away and made it worse.

 

This is not a critism or indictment, I am 100% with you here, this is hard, painful, counter intuitive stuff to learn and I'm talking to you like I would my best friend.

 

Is it it manipulation to pull that move like discussed in your other thread...100%

 

Alot of horses can't even see the water, and are even afraid of it when they find it...so pointing it out to them isn't necessarily a bad thing, but at the same time we are never going to even attempt to drag one kicking and screaming up the mountain with us.

 

Which is why attempting to force a decision at the point u did was perfect. The execution poor.

My guess is this will not work out, but you should be excited, fantastic learning experience.

[ninjabib]

I think she's completely done and is just trying to let you down or hoping g you just give up and go away.

 

You ended it hoping it would make her see that you are no longer clingy and needy but here you are still hanging on her strings. Strings she wants to cut. In her eyes you have not changed.

 

Keep working on yourself but for you, not her or anyone else. Better times lie ahead for you in the future but not with this girl.

[bluecastle]

You've spun out so hard you can't see up from down. No judgment. Feeling for you. Been there, as just about everyone has.

 

But being totally frank? I'm doing a lot of cringing on your behalf, reading this thread. Seems you can't go a few minutes, let alone a week or two, without being a little uncomfortable, a little uncertain. And it seems you're really struggling to understand that people can feel whatever they want, whenever they want, and that sometimes what they feel will not be what you want them to feel. I'd really take this whole thing, regardless of what note it ends on, as an instance of life telling you that learning to live with some uncertainty would be to your benefit, as well as the benefit to anyone you get involved with romantically.

 

Her feelings were flickering, as she clearly stated, and you guys decided on a little break. That, right there, was the moment to pull back, hard, for both of you, and to do whatever you needed to do to be able to stand strong no matter which way the wind blew. You stand still, letting her wobble a bit, respecting the reality of the situation. You trust that you've put your best, truest foot forward, and you trust that she will meet you on that plane, or not. Either way you get clarity.

 

You instead sat on pins and needles, contacting her when sitting on them became too much: seven days for you, which probably felt more like seven seconds to her. You essentially demanded that she turn the pins and needles into a nice, cozy cushion, which she had no ability to do. When she couldn't, you kept the pressure on, basically turning the break into a breakup that you actually didn't want to happen. If she was unsure about things right before that, I suspect your behavior was clarifying: that the break should be a breakup. Any more pressure and she'd suffocate. People, ultimately, just want to breathe.

 

Now you're trying to figure out how to undo the breakup you initiated in order to get her to not break up with you. Chosen method? The exact same thing that got you here: contacting her when you can't sit still, throwing every feeling and epiphany you've had her way in hopes that your thoughts and feelings will become her thoughts and feelings. Which, again, is not happening. I get that you're acting "from the heart," and that these moments can be tough, but what you're doing there is pretty selfish. You're asking someone who you know is having trouble breathing to breathe for you. Again. You're not coming across as someone who "loves" her, but as someone who needs her so you can feel better and more certain about yourself.

 

There is another way to go about all this, and it basically comes down to listening—to yourself, to another, to the space between the two, and to listen to all those things simultaneously. To listen, and listen more closely, at every moment when your instinct is to react, to make your voice the most important voice in the room. You're reacting faster than you're listening, which has led to you talking over everyone—both her and yourself, literally and metaphorically. You can't hear or see what's what because you're hoping that if you talk enough, or read enough guides from gurus, you won't have to really listen.

 

Problem is, that approach is just spinning you in circles. Show her respect by giving her space, and accepting what is what, right now. Show yourself the same respect, by taking this space to shore up the holes in your own ship, knowing that nothing is worth anything if the price of admission is a leaky hull. You've said everything, multiple times. Time to say nothing. If she has something vital to tell you, she will express it without it being extracted. Trust that. Trust that that is the only way sustainable connection works, and if you guys can't connect along that axis then it's a connection to let go of instead of cling onto as a snorkel. Trust that, find comfort there, and you'll be golden.

 

I hope all that doesn't sound harsh. Just trying to help you step a few inches outside of yourself so you can see the forest for the trees.

[TestTest]

Thanks for that post - made me feel better in way I can't explain. But to me your post sounds like I could stay hopeful and accept her need for space and trust that her intentions are good. The posts before you are saying I should accept the Situation as hopeless and just move on. So I am back to having no idea what's the right to do - but I really appreciate all the answers. Thank you all!

 

Right now I feel like I will wait until the weekend and if she has not contacted me until then, then I will ask for my stuff and try to accept what happened. But during the day today I was already at a point where I wanted to text her in order to not drag this out any longer. There is probably no right or wrong - I can just say it hurts and I feel let down so hard by her. Don't even know how being back together would feel like - it's not gonna be the same so I guess I am more in love with the potential future that I imagined than reality.

[bluecastle]

Thanks for that post - made me feel better in way I can't explain. But to me your post sounds like I could stay hopeful and accept her need for space and trust that her intentions are good. The posts before you are saying I should accept the Situation as hopeless and just move on. So I am back to having no idea what's the right to do - but I really appreciate all the answers. Thank you all!

 

Between staying hopeful and being hopeless is the thing we call reality. What I am saying is to accept reality rather than trying to will it into a shape that makes living in it more palatable.

 

So, what's reality? Reality is that someone you are/were involved in had a change of heart, and that stings. You get to decide what you want to do with that hurt, whether you want to stay in limbo a bit longer or not. In your shoes I'd hold that space as long as I could, knowing my spirit (aka my brain and body) would let me know when when it was time to move on, when I wasn't getting enough to stand still in limbo or to believe, sincerely, that there was another step to take alongside each other, with each other.

 

What to with in the limbo stage? First thing is to do things that make you feel good—things that predated her, that will post-date her, because they are things that are yours, for you. Let's say my girlfriend throws me a curveball this afternoon telling me she was struggling, thinking this and that, and needed to think. I'd be crushed. I'm in love with her and we're presently talking about all the Big Stuff people in love talk about. What would I do? I'd tell her I love her, am here for her, but then I'd get to a yoga class. After that, knowing me, I'd get on my motorcycle. I'd book a little hotel somewhere in the mountains and ride there. I'd bring my computer and dig into this work project I have. I'd do that hoping things would work out, but also knowing it's what I'd need for myself, whatever happens.

 

Second thing? I would reflect, best I can, with clear eyes. I'd ask myself (back to your shoes) if a relationship with someone who is traveling this much makes sense to me—if, no matter how great she may be, if it even works with my constitution. If the genuine answer is yes—great, some more minutes in limbo. If the genuine answer is no—great, means letting go, being sad for a bit, but knowing that sadness is you clearing the slate for a better fitting compliment to your truth. And if the answer is a big ol' blur of insanity—also great. But means keep sitting, keep reflecting, accepting that insanity is like smoke after a bomb. It clears in time, and it's better to wait for the smoke to clear than to try to forge a path when you can't see a thing.

 

Being frank? Your situation doesn't sound promising. My inner shrink says the reason this worked at all is because it was kind of the "perfect" thing to get into when you were fresh out of a big relationship and still untangling from that, in ways. Younger woman who is out of town a lot—perfect! Except, ugh, not really. Or not for long. The distance you needed to wade into it quickly became grating, not exactly the stuff of the fabled "honeymoon phase." So you were already getting edgy, even when things were "good." Well, then she got edgy, making you even more edgier. All that in six months? It's a lot.

 

If you were a bit more solid on your feet as a single dude before you met her—instead of solid as a dude who recently ended something pretty amicably—I think your patience for all this, and by extension of holding onto hope in limbo, would simply be more thin. You wouldn't need to be reading every tea leaf from her, because you'd kind of go: ugh, I don't like the way this feels—and you'd kind of pull away, or pull out, where right now you're leaning in, clinging hard.

 

That clinging is often the sign of someone who doesn't quite know how to not be in a relationship, to find value and solid ground without being "in" something. Which makes sense. From 22 to 32, best I can see, you've got only 60 days under your belt as a single human being. You don't quite know how to do this, and so you're flailing a bit, as people flail when they're learning to walk.

 

At the end of the day it's not trying to find comfort in the story of someone's intensions. It's finding comfort in the business of living in your own skin. That means holding onto the people who support that state of comfort, and letting go of the ones who don't.

[boltnrun]

It's concerning that your plan of action for the ex who feels smothered by your contact...is to contact her.

 

What items does she have of yours that you absolutely cannot possibly live without?

[TestTest]

It's not about the things but the limbo state. Several people have now pointed out that "this is done" and that she is just letting me down gently, so why stay in limbo and not rip the band-aid off? With advice like that it is hard to stay focussed on trusting her intentions and giving her all the time she needs.

[bluecastle]

What advice are you referring to, specifically? Something I said? Someone else? A combination?

[TestTest]

Well we have

Do not wait for her to choose you., you need to proceed as if this is done.

I think she's completely done and is just trying to let you down or hoping g you just give up and go away.

she is showing you by her words and actions combined that she is done with the relationship

 

you being basically like the only so far that went on to say that I should actually give her the time when she needs it.

So it is obviously hard to make up my own mind when 1) I have so little experience and am highly susceptible to any advice from the outside and 2) the advice is not as unanimous as I'd like it to be.

 

To talk about how I feel right now: So far I always felt like I made progress - but I realized that it was only because I had this temporary "goal" in my head until that I would have to shut up and keep NC. When we talked and she said that I should let her get home first it meant to me that I have to wait till a specific date. That I was able to do quite easily actually. I guess what kills me now is the uncertainty that I know she is back and that I have no idea how long this will go on for. That is probably why it is so hard to give her more time and resisting the advice of just ending it. On the other hand I feel like I would hate myself not knowing what could have happened if I gave her the time she needed.

[TestTest]

She just wrote me a message telling me she got back safely and asked how I am and if everything is ok with me.

 

Any ideas on how to proceed in order to not blow this are highly appreciated 😅

[GatorXP]

She just wrote me a message telling me she got back safely and asked how I am and if everything is ok with me.

 

Any ideas on how to proceed in order to not blow this are highly appreciated [emoji28]

Your good, your busy, you have your own stuff cooking.

No double texting, if she doesn't respond you wait until she does.

 

Open ended, general questions....she needs to help carry the convo, you'll get a feel of where she is.

[GatorXP]

Your good, your busy, you have your own stuff cooking.

No double texting, if she doesn't respond you wait until she does.

 

Open ended, general questions....she needs to help carry the convo, you'll get a feel of where she is.

Oh, and b funny

[bluecastle]

Being frank? Your situation doesn't sound promising. My inner shrink says the reason this worked at all is because it was kind of the "perfect" thing to get into when you were fresh out of a big relationship and still untangling from that, in ways. Younger woman who is out of town a lot—perfect! Except, ugh, not really. Or not for long. The distance you needed to wade into it quickly became grating, not exactly the stuff of the fabled "honeymoon phase." So you were already getting edgy, even when things were "good." Well, then she got edgy, making you even more edgier. All that in six months? It's a lot.

 

If you were a bit more solid on your feet as a single dude before you met her—instead of solid as a dude who recently ended something pretty amicably—I think your patience for all this, and by extension of holding onto hope in limbo, would simply be more thin. You wouldn't need to be reading every tea leaf from her, because you'd kind of go: ugh, I don't like the way this feels—and you'd kind of pull away, or pull out, where right now you're leaning in, clinging hard.

 

That clinging is often the sign of someone who doesn't quite know how to not be in a relationship, to find value and solid ground without being "in" something. Which makes sense. From 22 to 32, best I can see, you've got only 60 days under your belt as a single human being. You don't quite know how to do this, and so you're flailing a bit, as people flail when they're learning to walk.

 

At the end of the day it's not trying to find comfort in the story of someone's intentions. It's finding comfort in the business of living in your own skin. That means holding onto the people who support that state of comfort, and letting go of the ones who don't.

 

I think it's interesting, if not surprising, that you read the above and thought I was advising you to stay in it. My main goal in advising people is to help them see things more clearly so they can make the choice that's best for them, so they can live in a way that is authentic. It's your life, after all, not mine or anyone else's.

 

Personally, I don't quite understand what you're so drawn to in this situation, save an idea in your head. Even at its best, this has been an anxiety-inducing relationship. She's been gone as often as she hasn't been, and you didn't much enjoy that dynamic. You had to "try to stay positive" during those stretches when you were "waiting," which kind of sounds like a lower octane version of the spins you're in right now.

 

That slight edginess, to me, would already have placed the whole thing under the "maybe this won't work" microscope, for further observation; her recent wavering, distancing, confusion, to say nothing of your own impulsiveness and instability—that would have just made the "maybe this won't work" thesis more convincing. So when she asked for space I think I'd have been in a much different mindset, allowing for some slack, seeing if she shortened it or ran with it. That's how I would retain my sense of self and inner confidence, and also how I'd get my answer in terms of how to proceed, not by reaching out and trying to get her to say or think or feel certain things that would make me feel better.

 

I have a low threshold for dynamics that knock me off my personal axis, not because I'm an ice cold control freak but because I know myself; if I'm an anxious mess I'm unable to connect at the frequency and depth I seek. The sex can be outstanding, the woman can be all sorts of dynamic, the story in my head about our potential can be epic—but if I'm feeling more anxious than calm none of that quite matters. Too many potholes to enjoy the ride.

 

But that's just me. You're you.

 

Which leads to where you are right now. If you want to keep exploring—fine. But just own that, and find comfort in that rather than demanding she soothe you right away. And keep exploring. Shoot her a simple text back letting her know you're doing well. No tsunamis of confessions, no avalanches of feelings, no inquisitions demanding her to express her full spectrum of emotions.

 

Let her lead. Listen to her, and listen to yourself. If that's not possible—if all that's possible is spinning around in your head, unable to be present because you're trying to lock this all into some happily-ever-after future—then you know this isn't the person, or relationship, for you. A relationship is essentially an ongoing conversation between two people, with various ebbs and flows. It's about asking questions, sometimes literally, sometimes by just being silent and being confident enough to sit without immediate answers.

 

Try to stop operating out of fear: fear of being hurt, fear of losing her. You're already hurt, but you're also very much alive, doing just fine. And, yeah, you already know you might lose her, which is a 24/7 reality of all relationships, one that's just more glaring right now. Stare all that down, and then operate from the more vulnerable place of curiosity.

[boltnrun]

I would write "Glad to hear you arrived home safely. I hope your trip was enjoyable. I am doing well, thanks for asking".

 

And that's it. See what she does next.

[TestTest]

Not sure if you guys are actually interested but I thought I might as well keep you in the loop after receiving so much guidance.

Yesterday I wrote to her that it's nice to hear from her, that I am doing well and currently planning a trip with my cousin to go downhill biking. I then asked how her trip was and waited for her to answer. She answered 10 hours later that this would sound nice, her trip was awesome and that she enjoyed the time but that it was enough in the end and that she is still not feeling 100% (she probably means from partying).

I then responded with a funny gif and told her that I am glad she had such a good time and asked if they did anything special and whether she got sick or is just tired. That was 12h ago - so now I wait

[TestTest]

She answered explaining where they went and that she did not get much sleep and is just tired.

 

No question whatsoever so I guess I am not responding for now besides a "hope you can get some rest now"

[ninjabib]

I wouldn't invest too much time/thinking into this. I'd start filling your life with things to do so you are not over analysing her texts which so far as just chit chat.

 

If you do not feel the need to respond-don't.

[bluecastle]

And now you wait? How's about and now you live your life?

 

I think you're really struggling to see the big picture here. Stop fixating on her and look in the mirror really quick. Who do you want to be? How do you want romance to be and feel for you?

 

Do you want to be a 30something man who is counting the hours from the time he sends a gif to the time he hears a response? Do you think that's the man that the woman of your dreams—this woman, a future woman—is going to gravitate to? Do you want romance to feel the way this waiting feels? Can you genuinely tell yourself a story that this feeling is the stuff that blossoms into sustainable connection?

 

Focus on all that. That's where the clarity is, the power—not power over her, or power to make this story go the way you want, but just self-empowerment. Maybe she responds, maybe she doesn't. You've got to get cozy with that reality. None of this looks very good, nor does it feel very good—that's just fact, and one you're going to have to get cozy with as well. If you have no center you're just going to swing from high to low, with the highs and lows triggered by next to nothing: a text here, a gap between texts there.

 

If you can't stay connected to your own center there is no point trying to connect to another person. I worry that you've outsourced your center to this woman, a woman who is struggling to find her own these days. Think about all that for a minute.

[TestTest]

Yes I wanted to wait and see until at least the weekend when I planned on contacting her anyway to collect my things.

 

I am obviously fixated on her - after my breakup she gave me all I ever wanted (and I know this sounds selfish but isn't love always selfish as we like the way it makes US feel), we had an awesome time, never argued, she was affectionate and the sex was great (which was a huge point for me with my previous girlfriend being basically asexual and it being one of the reasons it did not work anymore). We both talked about how crazy it is and we both said that we never felt something like this - so it obviously made me feel good. Her being gone so much was also obviously bad for me because in those early stages you want to be around the other person 24/7 anyway due to hormones and all (my previous girlfriend travelled even more and I never had a problem with that as there was just much more stability (we had a flat together so I always knew she comes back home) - in this case it was different because it was fresh, I didn't know her so well and wanted to be around her).

And yes my "center is outsourced to her" because as I said: she gave me all I ever wanted. Also I don't have much dating experience so can't compare how much other people have to offer. Right now I only know it was awesome to be with her and I can't imagine it is that easy to find this again (if at all possible even) - so how can one not try everything in their own power to make it work again?

I don't like the situation now but if that is the price to pay to get back what we had then so be it (which is the same attitude I had when she was travelling so maybe I just got used to having this mindset).

Maybe I also got this way because it feels like I "suffered" so much during the times she was gone that I don't want it to be for nothing.

 

Now you'll probably say that one must first love himself and be comfortable alone etc. - but this I can't see. The biological creatures we are crave for a partner and being alone makes no sense to me - everything is better with someone else you like.

In half a year I might see it differently but right now this is where I am at unfortunately. I already thought about therapy but have no idea how one goes about to make that happen and probably can't afford it anyway.

 

I do have a date tonight though - trying to see what's out there and get her off my mind.

[boltnrun]

I asked this before but you didn't answer...what "things" of yours does she have that your life can't possibly continue unless you get them back? Are you using those "things" as an excuse to contact her yet again?

[TestTest]

Yes I do use them as an excuse - for me as long as she has stuff from me and as long as I have stuff from her I can't treat this as over in my head. So to move on I need to cut her off completely - isn't that how i should be doing it?

They are not important things - it's the money and some gadgets or her photo library is backed up on my NAS - stuff like that.

[boltnrun]

Yes I do use them as an excuse - for me as long as she has stuff from me and as long as I have stuff from her I can't treat this as over in my head. So to move on I need to cut her off completely - isn't that how i should be doing it?

They are not important things - it's the money and some gadgets or her photo library is backed up on my NAS - stuff like that.

 

I tossed my ex's "things". I told him to toss mine. I didn't need them.

 

You admit you don't either. Instead of using them as an excuse to hang on, why not just let it go?

[TestTest]

Why throw away 1000€? What benefit do I have from not contacting her about it? If I should treat this as over, there is also no way to make it worse right? So why not ask for it back?

Also she did not tell me to throw away her stuff - how can I just go ahead and do it then? Also: What a waste of money and ressources.