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How to go from break up during a break to back together


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Hi everyone,

 

after a couple of days of trying to cope with my situation, I am desperate to hear the opinion of other people on how I should behave before I do something stupid.

So here it goes:

I (M32) met a girl (27) six months ago after "only" a 2 month period after a pretty long relationship (~10years).

I felt ready though as the relationship has not been good in the end for quite some time and we were good roommates and friends but not lovers anymore.

So I started dating this new girl and it was awesome. Only downside was, that she had to spend time away for university after only 3 weeks of getting to know her.

She left for 3 weeks then was back 5 then left for 7 then came back for 5 and left again for 2.

It was hard being the one staying home and "waiting", but I tried to stay positive and looked forward to seeing her again - we messaged each other daily while she was gone.

After her last trip she came back and something felt different though. She didn't look forward to seeing me as much as she used to after her trips.

After another 3 weeks of being with her and right before she had to leave for her last ever trip of 2 weeks, she told me that she does not know what is going on but that she does not feel the same way about me anymore.

She apparently still feels attracted to me but it is different to how it was and it bothers her. She said she knows that she is the problem here but she just can't tell me why she feels this way.

We decided to take a break, for her to focus and find out what it is.

Having no contact ruined me though and one week in I asked her to call me. After a nice conversation we inevitably got to the point where we discussed the situation we are in and she said that she can't tell me any more than the last time we spoke. At this point I told her that I can't just sit around like being on tenterhooks and that we better break up for real and she should contact me once she figures out what's going on with her. We both were sad and hung up.

This was last week and so far I have not heard anything from her - it drives me crazy not knowing what she thinks and how she feels. I know she is busy with uni and has tons of people around her that distract her, but I still want this to work out and don't know what to do.

 

I hoped that it had all to do with her simply being stressed with work, uni and needing time to process all the impressions she got during her last trip to Japan (they have this amazing course where they go to Sweden, the US and Japan in one semester).

But after reading on the Internet for hours, I also got the impression that we have a classic anxious-avoidant relationship with me being anxious and overly clingy (I'd even say I feel codependent and assume I got this way because I never had a "normal" time with her but only these short "sprints" in between her times away that made me try to squeeze as much time together as I possibly could out of the time she was here). So I can understand that she might have started to feel different.

I want to improve myself and stop being this way, but right now I want nothing more than to know if it is worth keeping my hopes up that once she's back we can make this work again. The uncertainty is killing me - especially because I am (at least I think) so deeply in love with her.

No contact is apparently the best way (or is it?), but it feels wrong to not talk to her as I want to tell her about the understanding I now have and that I am willing to change the dynamic. Also I'd love to hear her perspective. We planned a week long trip at the end of September that I am not even sure if i should cancel or not.

She has things from me at her place and I have stuff from her. So am I just going to hold still and wait for her to get back and contact me again about all of this? Or is no contact the wrong thing in this situation - there are contradicting theories out there. Even thought about asking a friend of hers that is with her right now if he could tell me if she said anything and whether he believes I should wait it out. I am really confused, exhausted and want her to be back with me.

 

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say - maybe someone can help me through this.

 

Thanks!

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds on/off at best. She may not have the heart to tell you she would rather be free and single while having fun traveling, studying abroad etc. You as well would be better off resolving your previous heartache and if ready, start dating local girls. Are you still friends or roommates with your previous lover?

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I moved out straight away when the relationship with my ex ended. We do text from time to time but it really is just like with any distant friend I have.

So far I always assumed that I am completely over her and that there are no things to resolve - but maybe I am wrong.

 

I get that she likes the travelling and all but that is soon coming to an end with this being her last trip. After that she is supposed to write her thesis and start working. This is actually one of the reasons I "blamed" it all on her stress level: her student life is coming to an end and she is on the brink of a new chapter which might scare her. Maybe this all came down on her during her last trip. That is why I was open to the break in the beginning, because it sounded like she honestly wanted to figure stuff like this out (she also said however that she will probably not be able to think much about this during her time away as she will be so busy (which I kinda get coming from someone with avoidant tendencies but still find unempathetic)).

To the "being free" point: She even said that I never restricted her in any way. She is a "local" girl in that sense - timing was far from perfect with this crazy semester and so much time away though.

 

i also have to say that it probably did not help that I basically had to move in with her for two weeks straight after her trip to Japan (was due to some complicated reasons with work) during which she even told me that it is too much for her. I offered to give her space but she responded with that I should honor my agreement with my employer and stay.

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I moved out straight away when the relationship with my ex ended. We do text from time to time but it really is just like with any distant friend I have.

So far I always assumed that I am completely over her and that there are no things to resolve - but maybe I am wrong.

 

I get that she likes the travelling and all but that is soon coming to an end with this being her last trip. After that she is supposed to write her thesis and start working. This is actually one of the reasons I "blamed" it all on her stress level: her student life is coming to an end and she is on the brink of a new chapter which might scare her. Maybe this all came down on her during her last trip. That is why I was open to the break in the beginning, because it sounded like she honestly wanted to figure stuff like this out (she also said however that she will probably not be able to think much about this during her time away as she will be so busy (which I kinda get coming from someone with avoidant tendencies but still find unempathetic)).

To the "being free" point: She even said that I never restricted her in any way. She is a "local" girl in that sense - timing was far from perfect with this crazy semester and so much time away though.

 

i also have to say that it probably did not help that I basically had to move in with her for two weeks straight after her trip to Japan (was due to some complicated reasons with work) during which she even told me that it is too much for her. I offered to give her space but she responded with that I should honor my agreement with my employer and stay.

NC immediately.

You are not in the business of dragging people up the mountain. Continue to study relationship and what a successful one looks like to you.

 

Work on the false attachments that are causing you pain in this situation.

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Is NC in this situation really gonna help me? I enjoy helping people and I want to be there for her if she really is going through something. I realized my flaws and want to work on them - but I'd rather do it together with her than alone.

 

Yes, in this situation, NC is the best way for you to move forward. I don't foresee that contacting her, yet again, will help your case. When last you spoke with her, you made it clear that "she should contact me once she figures out what's going on with her". The ball is clearly in her court now. If and when she "figures it out", she will contact you. If she never figures it out or if she simply doesn't care, she won't contact you.

 

Trying to force the situation by contacting her and not allowing her to make the decision for herself is simply not a good idea. There are some things that are simply outside of your control and it is best to accept this.

 

If you really and truly realize that you have flaws and if you believe you need to work on yourself, then do it, but do it for yourself, not as a strategy to try to win back an ex. You don't need to work on yourself "together" with another person, it is not the responsibility of someone else to help work on any inner issues you may have, this is your responsibility and yours alone. The first step towards working on co-dependency is to learn to be self-reliant and to not feel as though you have to depend on another person in order to move forward in life.

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To further complicate things she does owe me quite a lot of money that I have lend her in a time of need. "Never contacting her again" is thus not really an option - at some point we would need to talk about this. If it is indeed over I'd rather do this soon than wait unreasonably long. Ugh - never thought this would get so complicated...

 

I do feel much better after venting here though - thanks guys.

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To further complicate things she does owe me quite a lot of money that I have lend her in a time of need. "Never contacting her again" is thus not really an option - at some point we would need to talk about this. If it is indeed over I'd rather do this soon than wait unreasonably long. Ugh - never thought this would get so complicated...

 

I do feel much better after venting here though - thanks guys.

 

How much is "quite a lot of money"? Hundreds, thousands? And was this amount loaned with a clear understanding that it was all to be paid back to you?

 

Yes, money certainly can complicate things, it's never a good idea to loan a huge sum of money to someone you are only just getting to know. You may very well never get the money back, especially if no written agreement exists and there is no way for you to prove that the money was a loan and not a gift.

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1000€ - and yes it was clear that it is just a loan however I obviously have no proof and want to assume that she still is the decent person I fell in love with. After 6 months it hardly felt like I was just getting to know her - but yeah I might have been blinded by my emotions and wanted to be a good boyfriend that helps out when he can.

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1000€ - and yes it was clear that it is just a loan however I obviously have no proof and want to assume that she still is the decent person I fell in love with. After 6 months it hardly felt like I was just getting to know her - but yeah I might have been blinded by my emotions and wanted to be a good boyfriend that helps out when he can.
Pro Tip, never loan money to girls or friends that you expect to get back.
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This is my advice to you in moving forward: if you can afford to potentially lose this money, it's best to simply continue with NC and allow her to make the decision on whether or not to contact you. If she is a decent person with good character, she will be a woman of her word and she will make good on her loan.

 

If you cannot afford to lose the money, you can try sending her a message asking for the money back, but this will almost certainly lead to an uncomfortable, awkward position for you to be in.

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If we were together I'd not ask for the money back - I still feel it was the right decision and it is far from a real concern for me (which is also why I did not mention it in my initial post - only when the never contact her again thing came up). The only thing that would bother me is the fact that I would have been wrong about this person if she would not come forward on her own. But I don't want to think that way and stay optimistic. Being anxious and focusing on the bad that could happen is what I did wrong and which I want to change now. Gotta trust she is a good person and it will be alright...

 

I hope my attitude will be the same tomorrow but so far just writing it all down has made me realize so much about myself. Thanks all of you!

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What I would do:

 

September is upcoming within a blink of an eye. Since both of you planned a week long trip at the end of September, keep this plan intact and don't cancel. It will be an opportunity to have an in depth conversation. Do you think you can talk about a loan repayment with her then? Will she be receptive to this conversation? If money doesn't matter and if you don't mind your loan never being repaid, then this is up to your decision and discretion. It's your money whether you mind the loss or not.

 

During this Sept trip, this is the time to have a conversation about your relationship with her possibly coming to an end. She already told you that she doesn't feel the same way about your anymore. She has since lost interest. Accept it. You can force he to love you as a boyfriend anymore. She doesn't and told you so.

 

Keep in mind, she's extremely busy with her college life, campus life, studying and friends.

 

Traveling to see you and squeezing you into her hectic schedule is taxing for her and for you always waiting in the wings until she's available. It's not the way to have a relationship. LDRs fail statistically.

 

When you take your trip with her, know it will be your last, make arrangements to get your things from her place, give her, her stuff and whatever you want to do with the loan situation is something you need to figure out.

 

I would call it quits when you explain this on your Sept trip with her. It's better to discuss and tell her in person than text / email / messenger / phone chat. At least give her the courtesy by telling her in person and when both of you have time to talk it out.

 

I don't think NC is good. If you decide the trip isn't a good idea, then don't go the NC route because then you cut everything off. There is no explanation regarding your loan to her and will you get a your money back? You decide. Also, both of you need to return belongings to one another. I think NC is wrong in this situation because you're not settling nor agreeing on anything with her. Don't sever ties yet. Take care of your concerns: loan, perhaps repayment, belongings returned, etc. Then break up if you don't see a realistic future with her. Stop wasting your time, energy and resources on a woman who is no longer interested in you.

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Ok to continue the story:

I called her last week tuesday (27.08.19) to ask how her weekend was and to emphasize that a break up is not what I actually want. I also told her about me realizing that it was all too much and that we moved too fast but that I want to grow together with her. She said she did not have the time to arrive at the same conclusion and that she accepts the break up for now. I told her that I want to see her the following week when she is back from her studies (motivation to say this was to hand over the things we have of each other and talk about the money so that I can finally move on - in my head I still can't with the upcoming trip still booked and the money still in her bank account). To setting a date she just replied I should let her get back home first. The only contact we had since that call was that I texted her "good luck" for her final test on friday to which she replied "thanks :)". Now I know she got back yesterday but haven't heard from her. Should I initiate contact AGAIN or just wait it out - at the moment I feel like I just want to move on but am held back because the situation feels so unreal and there are still these open questions of how we are going to deal with the belongings and such.

Well I just have no idea what the right to do is here - part of me still wants her back after almost three weeks while the other part wants to start getting over her but can't until everything is at least resolved somehow.

If it was just the belongings I'd definitely contact her and set a date to meet and discuss but I somehow still want it to work out and have no idea how to manage that.

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Ok to continue the story:

I called her last week tuesday (27.08.19) to ask how her weekend was and to emphasize that a break up is not what I actually want. I also told her about me realizing that it was all too much and that we moved too fast but that I want to grow together with her. She said she did not have the time to arrive at the same conclusion and that she accepts the break up for now. I told her that I want to see her the following week when she is back from her studies (motivation to say this was to hand over the things we have of each other and talk about the money so that I can finally move on - in my head I still can't with the upcoming trip still booked and the money still in her bank account). To setting a date she just replied I should let her get back home first. The only contact we had since that call was that I texted her "good luck" for her final test on friday to which she replied "thanks :)". Now I know she got back yesterday but haven't heard from her. Should I initiate contact AGAIN or just wait it out - at the moment I feel like I just want to move on but am held back because the situation feels so unreal and there are still these open questions of how we are going to deal with the belongings and such.

Well I just have no idea what the right to do is here - part of me still wants her back after almost three weeks while the other part wants to start getting over her but can't until everything is at least resolved somehow.

If it was just the belongings I'd definitely contact her and set a date to meet and discuss but I somehow still want it to work out and have no idea how to manage that.

NC immediately until she contacts you.
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If it had been 3 weeks with NC then I would say yes time to contact. But there has been contact.

 

If you just want to get it over....then by all means call her up...tell her your done and she needs to collect her crap by such a date and you would like a payment plan in place.

 

Otherwise the point of NC within the context of keeping someone on the hook is to let doubt and loss work on what ever strings they have left until their mind tells a big enough story and accentuates their feelings, she contacts you and you have a starting point.

 

The guy in the video is right in that after enough time has past that it's clear she has written you off then it's time to create some feelings...but everyone always pulls the trigger too quickly.

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If it had been 3 weeks with NC then I would say yes time to contact. But there has been contact.

 

If you just want to get it over....then by all means call her up...tell her your done and she needs to collect her crap by such a date and you would like a payment plan in place.

 

Otherwise the point of NC within the context of keeping someone on the hook is to let doubt and loss work on what ever strings they have left until their mind tells a big enough story and accentuates their feelings, she contacts you and you have a starting point.

 

The guy in the video is right in that after enough time has past that it's clear she has written you off then it's time to create some feelings...but everyone always pulls the trigger too quickly.

 

Did you also read the link I provided? The author clearly says "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them". I opened a new thread for the NC discussion as I feel like this info might be important even without my case in particular as backstory: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561563

I guess the question is: does the author mean a strict NC where you don't even react to messages being sent to you is bad or is NC in general bad. In my case I'd guess she now does know how I feel and has no reason to doubt so waiting for her to contact me could be the right thing to do. I am wondering though at what point I should end this "game" and initiate contact again - the weekend or next week? Right now it feels like I would have an "easy" reason to initiate contact as I could simply ask her if she got back safely. As time progresses finding a positive reason to initiate contact again seems to get harder and harder.

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Did you also read the link I provided? The author clearly says "do not do no contact as it creates emotional distance" and "you should never EVER put the other person in a position where they question or doubt your love for them". I opened a new thread for the NC discussion as I feel like this info might be important even without my case in particular as backstory: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561563

I guess the question is: does the author mean a strict NC where you don't even react to messages being sent to you is bad or is NC in general bad. In my case I'd guess she now does know how I feel and has no reason to doubt so waiting for her to contact me could be the right thing to do. I am wondering though at what point I should end this "game" and initiate contact again - the weekend or next week? Right now it feels like I would have an "easy" reason to initiate contact as I could simply ask her if she got back safely. As time progresses finding a positive reason to initiate contact again seems to get harder and harder.

So the reason I said NC "within the context of getting her back" is that is completely different than NC for personal healing and mental health.

 

Within the context of healing, you hold that NC no matter what even if they contact u, because you need to heal and move forward.

 

Within the context of getting them back, it is a tool to get them back to the table. It doesn't fix any relationship issues other than them seeing u as needy and pushing them away.

 

So do not contact her again unless you are ending it or enough time has past that it's clear she doesn't care....then you can poke her to she where she is...maybe try to generate some recurrence of good feelings and memories that she can work with....

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This is all you need to know: "she does not feel the same way about me anymore."

 

Stop making excuses and hounding her. She does not want to be in a relationship with you. This is what pushed her away, not all of the other stuff you listed: "I also got the impression that we have a classic anxious-avoidant relationship with me being anxious and overly clingy"

 

You should not be lending out money. She could have gotten it from her family.

 

Exchange your stuff upon her return, then move on. She is done.

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How can you be so sure - Maybe I just don't want to see it but I thought the idea of the break as she discussed it with me was to actually improve the situation because she did want to be in a relationship with me and not wanting to break up.

In my personal life I never had to experience such a sudden shift in someones perspective (my previous relationship was 10 years and I only dated one other woman before which I broke up with) which is probably why it is so hard for me and why I can't relate to how she feels all of a sudden. It just baffles me how you can go from "I love you" to "I don't feel the same way anymore" in the course of a two week trip to Japan.

 

In what way am I hounding her?

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She told you she does not want to be with you anymore, I think that it is disrespectful to not take her at her word.

 

Maybe, she met someone else. Maybe, you pushed her too much, and she had had it. I don't know, but you need to take her at her word.

 

Don't reach out, other than to exchange your stuff and money.

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When did she say that specifically? She said we should have a break so that she can try to figure out why she feels the way she does as she can't understand why she feels this way and because she wants to fix it (I then broke up with her to regain at least some control instead of just waiting for her to make up her mind). In all fairness though she did say during our last call when I mentioned that I thought we had the motivation to make it work that at the moment she just can't promise me anything and doesn't know whether she wants to or not.

This all does not sound as black and white to me as it might to you - but maybe I am just naive :(

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I kinda see that as her not wanting to hurt you more-which is wrong and she should be honest. I hope I am wrong, and you can come back and tell me I was.

 

Do not wait for her to choose you., you need to proceed as if this is done. Do not call her, unless it is about your stuff. When you see her, do not bring up the relationship-you don't want to be that desperate guy who won't give up.

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