joyafterloss Posted August 26, 2019 Share Posted August 26, 2019 I am 29. He is 25. We dated for about 4 months in total (about 8 months on and off). The first month, I was only exploring and hadn't committed to him. He put a lot of pressure on me to be sure about him early on and I simply was not. I needed to know him better and it was long distance i.e. we had not even met in person yet. Still, I did not want to lead him on when he needed certainty. So I broke it off saying there was no chemistry. But I was so drawn to him and went back six weeks later. I told him that I simply needed more time. It was only through phone conversations, but an issue that arose before resurfaced. He is passive, and I want assertive. I made the biggest mistake which was the death of the relationship. I compared him with another guy who acted more confidently. Thus, unintentionally, and without knowing what I was doing, I pressed on his weakest point, put salt on his childhood wounds, lowered his self-esteem, and made him feel emasculated, rejected, and worthless. I highly regretted my reckless behavior, and sincerely apologized to him --repeatedly-- and tried to make amends. This was all before we even met in person. I know-- very childish and immature. I have no excuse at all except that this was my first real relationship. My actions were reckless and not malicious, but they nevertheless were very, very mean and hurtful and I regret them to this day. I don't know why, but he agreed to meet me in person anyway (perhaps just to be polite). I flew across the country. When we met, we both felt like we knew each other in a different lifetime and like we were soulmates. We didn't want to leave each other's presence, and couldn't wait to see each other again. I stayed for three days, and we spent many hours together. When I left his state, I couldn't wait for him to come visit me in mine. Things looked really, really good. We talked on the phone daily and Skyped for hours on end. We fell in love. Our families met (on Skype). We both wanted commitment and marriage and things looked good, so we got engaged without the official ceremony. Yes... we moved way too fast. But I really felt like he was my soulmate and that he was "the one." He was reliable, made me a priority, was caring, loving, etc. However, I would be lying if I said that passiveness suddenly became attractive to me. That is a quality I do not find attractive in men, even though my heart attached to this particular man and I fell in love with his other qualities. I was transparent with him that I want assertiveness. I later learned that while honesty is important, honesty is not full honesty without kindness (and, on the flip side, kindness is not truly kindness without honesty). Unfortunately, he could not let go of the instance when I had compared him to another guy, and apparently I was not making him feel masculine enough even though I did not repeat that mistake and was overly reassuring to him that he was the only one I wanted and that I was fully committed to him and only him. He did not believe me. He felt insecure and told me that he felt like I was settling for him and he did not want a wife like that. He was worried I would be swept off my feet by another more assertive guy. I swore to him that he was the only one I wanted and tried to reassure him over and over. It was frustrating that my reassurances were falling on deaf ears. I felt disrespected, as well, because I know my own mind. Yes, I made a mistake and I do not discount that. But I am a grown woman who values marriage and commitment. Once I committed to him I would rather die before leaving him for someone else. But he could not believe me. It got to the point where I felt like I was being falsely accused of cheating, and I started feeling scared because his mistrust led to some signs of controlling behavior. For example, he wanted me to work in women-dominated environments, change the way I dress, and wanted the right to make me drop any friend he felt was having a bad influence on me. Essentially, his mind created a dark image of me as a girl who strays and can't be trusted. The image could not be further from the truth, and my family and friends who have known me for years reassured me that I was not this loose girl he imagined. My gut told me in a very strong manner that I could not live the rest of my life with a man who disrespected me and was not trusting me. I had only been with him for a few months and it did not seem worth sacrificing more of our time and hearts. So, exactly six months ago today, I broke up with him. Of course, that confirmed all his worst fears that I would leave him (except I did not leave him for someone else but simply due to fear and a strong gut feeling that this relationship was bad for me). Unfortunately, the fear led me to break up with him in an abrupt way and six weeks later -- only due to EXCRUCIATING physical stomach pain that would not go away and after seeking counsel from friends and family -- I emailed him asking him to talk about the reasons we broke up so that we could both have peace. He responded in the most rude, condescending manner (I know he was simply hurt and angry). We followed that up with an 8-hour phone conversation wherein he expressed how hurt he was, and accused me of seducing him and playing him. I never played him. I got my family involved and had every hope that the relationship would work out. He thought I played him because I wanted a different type of guy. I understand his point of view although I do not agree with it. While assertiveness was important to me, I saw a future with this man and truly felt (still feel) that I love him. Anyway, I know his anger was just a manifestation of his pain. After that, we both considered getting back together (emotions flying high...) but the underlying issues of mistrust and his insecurity remained. Thus, we went back and forth --painfully-- for a couple months. Finally, he broke up with me saying this was just too painful but that he loves me and will always love me. It truly was very painful. :( Since then (about 4 months ago) we have had zero contact. I deleted his social media out of the pain of seeing him online everyday. This was my first relationship and taught me countless lessons. It was also very unhealthy and way too intense/quick. I guess that is partly why I am having trouble moving on. It is so ironic because he thought I was disloyal and to this day I feel like it would be a betrayal to him to talk to anyone else in the romantic context. Once I committed to him, I felt it was forever. I have cried almost everyday for the past six months and fell into depression. I am concerned that this will affect my work, and my appetite and sleep has been off. This experience has taught me a lot about grief, loss, patience, and acceptance. (Still struggling with that last one). I go back and forth between wanting him back (missing him intensely and feeling that I will never love anyone the way I love him) and wanting to move on. Some people tell me that I will only forget him when I meet another guy but I don't feel comfortable doing this again and it would be unfair to talk to another guy while I am in love with this man. I just want to stop obsessing over this, and move on with my life. Link to comment
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