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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant.

 

I realized he had an alcohol problem half way in. I could never understand why he would get so angry over little things. It was like a completely different person. He’s thrown hangers, clothes a book and an empty bottle at me. I’ve always tried to justify these things by saying the liquor bottle was plastic, the book he threw next to me. I’ve tried to justify him calling me a , a tweeker ( I have no idea why he would call me this. I do really good at work and work hard and I like to keep my house clean. So whenever I would clean or move a picture or bring work home he called me a tweeker).

 

I do feel like an idiot because he low keyed moved in without us ever talking about it. We discussed it but it was never set it stone. He never offered to pay anything until I found out I was pregnant 2 months ago. Anytime I wanted to spend the night alone he would flip so I just stopped saying it. I think I become codependent. My self esteem felt so weak after all of the names and yelling.

 

I don’t think I was perfect at all. I’m trying to explain this in a way so it’s not all blamed on him. I just don’t remember doing anything to deserve these things.

 

So he promised he would stop drinking. He claims he went 2 weeks and then went to a friends house. I had him take a breathalyzer. Maybe it was wrong but I needed to know because of the monster hes capable of turning into when he is drinking. He lied over and over again even after failing. Then finally admitted it the next day while at a friends house drinking. He apologized and said he went 2 weeks already and didn’t want to give up having a couple of beers with friends. And I understood this. I was so conflicted. His dad is an alcoholic and I just didnt know what or how to react.

 

He decided to not come back for a week. Everyday he told me he didn’t want to see me, that I all I do is . He said horrible things. He wouldn’t answer his phone and would only text. So fast forward a whole week. He decides he wants to come back. He told me the whole week he was depressed thinking of me and at his friends house. He let me see his phone. He didn’t think I would look in his pictures but I did. He had a video of his friends girlfriend with underwear and a shirt on and the boyfriend smacking her ass. He also had a snapshot of 3 escorts phone numbers. He got furious and grabbed the phone from me. He took my phone and found nothing. He refused to give me my phone back and when I tried to get it he shoved me into the couch. He punched a hole into my wall. He told me I’m not allowed to ask him any questions about that week. He even told me he was going to have sex with somebody and send me a video of it.

 

I can’t even describe how completely broken I was. It was almost debilitating. He left. Apologized and then literally 2 hours later texted me asking if he can f*ck. I was so confused. This isn’t the person I fell in love with.

 

I ended up writing him a closure letter and ending it. He never thought I would do that. I always accepted it for some reason. He promised his friend sent him the pictures of the escorts. He sent me his call logs and he’s the one that called atleast 5 different ones. One in particular he exchanged 10 different calls too. He initially called at 2 am and she called back at 8 am and numerous calls were made. The last of which he called 3 times 40 minutes after their last conversation. He promised he didn’t see her and said he cussed her out. He told me he would have seen her but she thought he was a cop. He said he ignored me all week because he was doing cocaine and hanging out with losers that he’ll never hang out with again. He said he couldn’t answer his phone because he told me so many lies he didn’t know what to say.

 

He’s begging for me to take him back. Why I am I justifying his behavior. I feel like I’m holding on to what I thought this was. I tried to call the escort but she’s not answering. Not to be mean but I just want to know. If he never saw her why are there so many calls?

 

Am I being stupid right now for trying to justify any of his behavior?

 

I know I wasn’t perfect. I was hormonal and trying to get over the names he’s called me.

 

He keeps apologizing and has been going to AA almost every day. I’m so conflicted because I know the person he’s capable of being. Are people able to change..

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Forgiving and putting up with abuse is NOT the same . Alcoholics in recovery are not supposed to be having relationships. You need to concentrate on your pregnancy unless you want your baby abused too. A child watching their parent be abused IS an abused child . When your child is born a file for sole custody and file for child support . This guy is a waste of time. Make sure you document absolutely everything so he only gets supervised visitation .

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Imagine your child growing up watching his or her father abuse their mother. Imagine how you'll feel if he starts abusing your child.

 

No, he won't stop. Not without intensive therapy and alcohol abuse treatment. Even still...Google success rates of treatment for domestic abusers. Last time I checked the success rate was 1%. You read that right. Out of every 100 abusers who actively seek and complete a treatment program, only one will never abuse again.

 

Let me share with you something my ex told me. He too treated me poorly (although none of the frightening behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting)..."You know what I'm like but you keep coming back. I figure you must like being treated like that."

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That’s terrible I’m sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

 

He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didn’t realize the extent of it and didn’t know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

 

I’m not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a healthy relationship.

 

I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say it’s abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything he’s said to me.

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That’s terrible I’m sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

 

He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didn’t realize the extent of it and didn’t know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

 

I’m not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a healthy relationship.

 

I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say it’s abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything he’s said to me.

 

So you want to have your child experience the same upbringing you did? You want your child to marry an abuser?

 

It's time to get tough. It's not just about you anymore. You are responsible for another life now. How do you want that life to be? Full of fear, terror, abuse? Or love and security?

 

Please make the right choice for your child.

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That’s terrible I’m sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

 

He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didn’t realize the extent of it and didn’t know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

 

I’m not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a healthy relationship.

 

I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say it’s abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything he’s said to me.

 

This is why it’s typically advised to get to know someone well before procreating with them.

 

Too little too late I realize. I think forgiveness is subjective and up to the individual. It’s something you really have to look within and decide.

 

If a man is all talk while continuing to be destructive the odds of success unfortunately aren’t in your favor

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Change the locks, block his calls & stay as far away from him as you can. He is an abuser & nothing you say or do can change that.

DO you have family you can stay with? You need someone to look out for you, dont try & do all of this alone.

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Get away from this man. None of this abuse is justifiable, no. The idea of him attracted you, but that person doesn't exist. You're clinging on to a fantasy that sadly has no basis in reality.

 

I would speak to an attorney regarding your rights to protect your still-unborn child from his/her abusive, unstable father. You are going to need legal counsel in arranging what will happen after the birth. Your ex is the father; you cannot simply cut him off without running the risk of landing yourself in hot water. Speak to someone who is experienced in dealing with such issues, and find out what exactly your and your child's rights are

 

Equally important would be to get an immediate screen for STIs and HIV. I would not believe for a moment that he has not had sexual contact with anyone else while with you, nor would I believe he possesses enough sound judgment to have been safe about it. I realize you have probably already had some tests as a matter of routine when you discovered you were pregnant, but you need to speak to your OBGYN again about what has recently transpired. He or she will advise you and arrange for relevant testing, and try to mitigate the risk to your baby.

 

I would also strongly encourage you to seek counselling. It is alarming that you are having trouble extricating yourself from this toxicity, but a good professional can help you untangle those complicated emotions and help you navigate this new phase of your life. There are evidently some issues that need to be addressed so you aren't attracted to the same unhealthy men in the future.

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We forgive to lighten the emotional burden on ourselves. Anger is a burden that serves no purpose and hurts ourselves. People forgive murder; whether something is forgivable is not a standard.

 

We may forgive much, and will feel happier for doing so. Forgive, yes.

 

It remains an unacceptable behavior that inflicts pain and violence where acceptance and affection are intended.

 

Abuse is never an acceptable choice for ourselves. The longer we are abused, the less we think of ourselves, making it even harder to protect ourselves.

 

Please please put yourself first.

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Yeah, no. The reason you feel like you can't live without him is because you are beginning to be trauma bonded to him. Him giving you intermittent reinforcement by giving you a glimpse of the person you thought you were in love with and then going back to abusing you becomes addictive. Also, him repeatedly abandoning you and coming back also keeps you hooked, because each time he leaves your brain goes through withdrawal and then he comes back and it's like your brain gets another hit like a drug.

 

This pattern is not going to change, he's not going to change, the grand gesture of him trying to get you back is classical abuser behavior. He will do everything to try tp get his control over his "possession" back. That's how he sees you as an object, as something to control. As soon as he gets you back, the nice act will last maybe a week and he will go back to being abusive. Your brain is addicted to him.

 

 

The longer you stay, the more addicted you will become, and the harder it will be for you to leave. The abuse will get worse. It always does. It will escalate. Not to mention this guy is definitely not father material and having a kid with him will not make him magically change into whatever fantasy you have of him.

 

Please leave or you will wind up feeling like how you do now for the rest of your life.

 

A really good book that I think will clear up your confusion about him is "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

 

And do you have anyone in your life who can be a good support person? You shouldn't be going through this alone.

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That’s terrible I’m sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

 

He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didn’t realize the extent of it and didn’t know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

 

I’m not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a healthy relationship.

 

He should not be in a relationship for some time if he is working on getting sober. You do not know who he can be, as he has always been a drunk.

 

Does he have a job?

 

I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say it’s abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything he’s said to me.

 

Isn't alcoholism bad enough! I don't understand why you keep forgiving, justifying, excusing and taking back this abusive drunk. Then, you decide to subject a child to this mess! Get sole custody and keep the kid away from this guy.

 

Even without the booze, he would be abusive. For the sake of your child, I hope you finally wake up and be done with him. He will not change!

 

Get some help for abuse and co dependency.

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I know it’s not the same. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go. I have this glimmer of hope because he’s apologizing and going to AA that maybe he will change.

 

Hmmm, how many times has he apologized before?

 

"Am I being stupid right now for trying to justify any of his behavior?" YES!

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He is an abusive alcoholic who will take your life apart if you let him. If you let him. That's the important part; you have a free choice in this. Nobody knows if he'll actually stick with AA (and, incidentally, alcoholics who really want to recover tend not to broadcast the fact. If he's serious about his recovery he'd be concentrating on that, and not trying to rekindle your relationship - he will have heeded the advice not to try and start significant relationships for the first year).

 

One thing you need to remember is that any relationships will come second to the alcohol/drugs, though he may well come pursuing you in the hope that you'll finance his lifestyle right now. You've already managed to write to him to end the relationship, so stick with that. People are able to change, but it takes years, and they're only likely to do so when their lives hit rock bottom. By taking him back you'd prevent that from happening and would be unwittingly enabling his addictions.

 

If you want help with understanding what's going on, I'd strongly recommend attending Alanon meetings rather than going to therapy. They have the advantage of being free, but also offer a level of insight which 1:1 therapy doesn't come anywhere near. Have a look at this website if you'd like to know more; the forums are particularly helpful: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/. They not only provide support for people like yourself, but you can also find out more about alcoholism - and what you can reasonably expect if you hang around with this guy.

 

To answer your original question... forgiveness is often misunderstood, as though it means smiling, nodding and accepting more of the same. It doesn't. What it means is letting go of resentment so that you can move on and detach from the situation or person. The first person you need to forgive is yourself - don't berate yourself for being 'stupid' or 'hormonal' or thinking that you somehow deserved this rubbish - and acknowledge that you made mistakes, but are now choosing not to get embroiled again. The really significant mistake you made is sticking around with someone who abused you, rather than anything which actually happened in the relationship.

 

Your unborn child is a separate issue; you really need to take legal advice on this and find out where you stand. It would be very damaging to try bringing up a child in an environment where addiction is present.

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Do not make excuses for drug users, alcoholics, abusers and other assorted dregs whose selfishness destroys the lives of everyone around them. Get out of this mess asap. Delete and block him. You're not a rehab facility or his doctor, mother, fixer, etc. Stop trying to fix him. Stop being a martyr/victim. Stop. And run. Get into therapy to explore your intense need to try to fix dirt like this. Focus on more important things, like your career, education, friends, family, health and more elevated pursuits and interests.

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Yeah, I don't think OP likes the advice she is getting here considering she posted this same exact question to Relarionship Talk. I really wish she would just leave this guy.

 

She's dealing with realizing her dream of him turning into a wonderful boyfriend and father after a couple of AA meetings isn't going to happen.

 

I know you struggled with this same realization. It was hard for you too.

 

I also was dealing with being involved with someone who treated me poorly (although he wasn't abusive). Fortunately he dumped me, otherwise I might have stuck around for four more years "hoping". I thought if he saw how much I loved him and how good I was to him he'd "change". But he didn't.

 

The OP's boyfriend won't either. Someone who thinks it's OK to terrorize his romantic partner would need a lot more help than a few AA meetings.

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You can still have an abortion.

Then get on reliable birth control methods.

Then deal with your issues and why you gravitate to abuse.

Nevermind about him, deal with your own house. It's not even a little bit reasonable to bring a child into this mess.

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I didn’t just post on another forum. I’ve posted on about 4 different ones asking the same thing. I’ve also asked friends what they would do.

 

It’s over and I’m not going back to him. There’s a part of me that wanted justification to make sure I was doing the right thing. I made the mistake of unblocking him a few days ago and I think him apologizing and saying all of these things made me think I was partly to blame. I realize I have issues because I think this behavior is acceptable. So many people seem to like him and it always made me feel that maybe I was the problem. A good friend told me that alcoholics are master manipulators so maybe that’s why.

 

He told me last night that I wasn’t perfect either and I was giving him a lot of grief the past month prior to this. Which I probably was. I wanted him to pay rent on time, and start saving money. I could of brought it up to him in a better way.

 

He also said he wasn’t abusive to me. He said some of the things he did while we were fighting were abusive but it doesn’t mean he is abusive.

 

I’m almost confident I will be getting an abortion but I do feel extremely guilty about it. It has nothing to do with him. Just the fact that I put myself in this situation to have to make this choice.

 

I know I was treated bad. I just wish I knew the right tools to get over this and be happy again. I feel really lonely.

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I wanted him to pay rent on time, and start saving money. I could of brought it up to him in a better way.

These are not unreasonable requests. Paying rent on time should have happened without any prompting from you.

 

And as for this...

He also said he wasn’t abusive to me. He said some of the things he did while we were fighting were abusive but it doesn’t mean he is abusive.

...it's fairly typical alcoholic mind-effery.

 

As I said in my earlier post, check out Alanon meetings. I promise you won't feel anything like so lonely if you do.

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