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To start off I've been with my partner for a year. It's been the most rough heart wrenching year but I still love him.

We met online, I was very wary as online dating had previously seen me abused and ripped off 5thousand dollars. But I told myself this was the last time I'd try online dating then I give up.

So I met the guy and he seemed lovely. A real guy with a job and his stuff together. I was on cloud 9 and so in love for the next few.months. I got on well with his daughter and things were good. Then 1 day he lost his job and I found out had been lying about sitting at my house all day when he was supposedly at a new job. I let him know I wasn't happy and we moved on but I knew something didn't feel quite right. A week later I got numerous emails and fb messages from his exes. 1 detailing how he's cheated on me and when and she also knew personal details about my life. Others warning me he is a misogynist and a liar and what do you know that he has three other children he neglected to tell me about (I knew about 1). I was floored. I still am. I kept digging and found that he had been chatting to other women online on dating sites and had many of them on his fb. Also had copious amounts of porn in his search history - I don't have a massive prob with porn but when it obvious its being looked at for 6hrs plus at a time and there's old women like 80plus and I'm 36 this was pretty concerning to me.

So naturally I kicked him out. We decided to give things another go and he promised to be see through about everything - like I have his bank details passwords monitor on his phone etc... which I feel quite intrusive doing but I feel I need to.

Fast forward a few months and I'm still feeling horrible. He doesn't understand that I need time to heal. Other things have come up in this time like numerous women he's looking up and the porn again even though he knows I can see and he doesn't understand I haven't healed and that this really hurts. He even told me 1 day he was going to the bathroom and I went into my room and there he is googling massive nipples - I need to add he wouldn't have sex with me this morning either but freely went to go look up other womens breasts.

Also the bedroom has become an issue. He has become a selfish lover. Once he was very attentive and now he seems to use me to masturbate?? I've brought this up with him and asked hey can you help.me finish and he takes it as me having a go at his sexual performance. I'm not even allowed to use my 'toys' unless he agrees because I'm apparently putting him down.

Also his daughter has become an issue. After we broke for a while she decided she hated me. We only see her every second weekend, but when she is here in my home, it's as if I don't exist. My partner ignores me totally. I also have rules in my home - no shoes or food and drink on the lounge, no textas and craft in the bedroom, you eat your dinner or you miss out and you don't get dessert. He shuns all the rules and my daughter who has lived here her whole life is left wondering why the rules have had to apply to her. His daughter has also drawn on my expensive furniture and on my walls and his response was an extremely soft don't do that 2weeks later. She puts her shoes and food on my couch and won't eat anything unless it's junk so of course my partner will not stop giving her food to the point it's ridiculous and she is wasting at least $50 worth of food when she's here all because he won't say no.

Her birthday is coming up and he's decided he is going to have the party with his ex which I'm not happy about as I don't understand why we can't do a separate thing as I was requested to do by him with my own child. Also this coming weekend is our 1st anniversary and also fathers day - guess who he's decided to spend the day with... there was also an incident qhetw his daughter lost a hair elastic - you'd think it was the end of the world. He blamed my daughter and called her a thief and went through her room looking for it. Obviously wasn't there as my daughter didn't take it. His daughter then lied and said mine had taken it. Fast forward 2hrs and I've found the thing in the bathroom under the vanity where she dropped it. No apology to me or my daughter.

Also we are living in my house. A hpuse which ive totally paid off myself and i feel i should decorate how I please. This is somehow an issue. So we have taken my bed and all my thing out of my bedroom to put his bed in because he won't sleep in mine because I have had ex partners on it. Yet his is the bed he cheated on me with yet I have to have it in my room. Also he wants to completely change my guest room into a room for his daughter. I'm not ready for that and he can't understand it. For the meantime I've put a shelf in the cupboard with toys and clothes and baskets and things for her to try and make her feel a little comfortable but it's not good enough. And on the subject of toys he will spend his last dollars on toys for her when she visits but I'm left to pay for the food she consumes, the petrol to transport her and the bills. It's not fair.

Recently I've also asked him to put more effort into the relationship emotionally, financially, physically - do stuff with me, give me a bit of time, contribute more and he thinks I'm whinging at him. I can't even quietly bring up an issue without him thinking I'm laying into him, so I don't know what to do, where to go. I've had thoughts I'd be better off without him but I still love him. Do i wait it out? Am I crazy? Am I wrong? Do i run? Any help would be appreciated xx

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He is a loser and a cheater. You are better off single than with somebody like that.

 

I don't understand how and why women fall in love with guys like that. I mean assuming everything you have written is true, this guy is a totally selfish loser who cannot even provide for his family, feels entitled to everything and does not treat you, your daughter or your property with any respect. Come on, if he is actually like that it is terrible that you are putting your daughter through that toxic environment.

 

Get rid, respect yourself and only accept men who treat you with respect, not because you feel like you need one in your life. Otherwise you are seriously better off single, so is your daughter.

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I just re read my message and realise how stupid and crazy this situation is.

I think I fell.for him because all.of this wasn't clear in the beginning and once he realised he had me his true self came out.

Thank you for telling me it isn't me. I've been told by him for a while now that I overreact and he does seem to twist each argument to suit himself so at the end I'm sitting there wondering what just happened and feeling like I'm in the wrong - which is what brought me to the forum - I guess I'm looking for advice/confirmation that it's not me.

At the end of the day I know I can't go on like this. I'm extremely depressed and cry daily.

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OK so there begs only one question, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM??!! This is completely mind boggling. You are being treated like absplute dirt by your partner (and your daughter too) and he is completely using you! Sorry but you sound like a doormat. You allow people to use you and walk all over you. How did you get cheated out of $5000 by s someone from online dating? You gave somebody that much money? I really think you need to stop being "Mr. Nice Guy" and stand up for yourself. You knew that your partner cheated on you and did all that stuff and yet you took him back and continue putting up with this! No words really.

Edited by Tinydance
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Don't you think it's time to love yourself!

 

What are you thinking?! Do you thrive on the drama? The only reason I can understand how you can possibly be in this mess. Should've been done when you found out he was lying about the job. Ridiculous

 

Please end it and get some professional counseling. And do not date for at least a year to understand what you tolerate this type of abuse. Get to the root of your problems and your zero self worth.

 

Lastly, he does not love, like or respect you. He is a cheating, lying POS. It's on you for taking this loser back! Wake up!

 

It is abusive to keep your daughter in this environment.

Edited by Hollyj
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I believe it. There are people who will put up with the most ridiculous things just so they won't be "alone". Because to these people being "alone" is a fate worse than death.

 

OP, this is how your life with him will be FOREVER. Is having a man, any man, around worth all of this?

 

What do you think you're teaching your daughter about how relationships work? Won't you feel awful and guilty if she ends up with a man just like this one because she wants to be like Mom?

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I did come on here for advice not to be told I'm stupid or a liar. Yes I'm in a bad situation. I literally have no one to talk to and no I don't just sit there and say nothing.

I was just so unsure of myself I needed reassurance that yes I'm in the right and yes he's an ahole, and maybe i needed a little bit of support.

I guess I'm scared to ask him to leave because last time I asked him he wouldn't. I'm worried I'll have to have police involved.

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I did come on here for advice not to be told I'm stupid or a liar. Yes I'm in a bad situation. I literally have no one to talk to and no I don't just sit there and say nothing.

I was just so unsure of myself I needed reassurance that yes I'm in the right and yes he's an ahole, and maybe i needed a little bit of support.

I guess I'm scared to ask him to leave because last time I asked him he wouldn't. I'm worried I'll have to have police involved.

 

Have a male family member or male friend present when you ask him to pack his things and leave.

 

Unfortunately, you may have to give him a 30 day notice, however, since he is probably a legal resident of the home.

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You needed reassurance ? This guy is a complete sleazebag and you know it. You have a daughter and should be setting a better example .

 

Tell him to get out. Get the police, if needed.

 

Do not date for a long time!

Edited by Hollyj
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I did come on here for advice not to be told I'm stupid or a liar. Yes I'm in a bad situation. I literally have no one to talk to and no I don't just sit there and say nothing.

I was just so unsure of myself I needed reassurance that yes I'm in the right and yes he's an ahole, and maybe i needed a little bit of support.

I guess I'm scared to ask him to leave because last time I asked him he wouldn't. I'm worried I'll have to have police involved.

 

I understand you wanted support and apologies for the blunt tone I used. However people on these forums are generally caring (I'm a regular) and all of us showing outrage at this guy is our way to show support! I mean yes I do feel for you, I sympathise. But you can be in control here and end this relationship and kick this guy out. You don't have to be a victim. This is your house, you own it. He can go wherever the heck he wants but you should just tell him to get out and that he's not your problem anymore. He's a disrespectful jerk who has treated both you and your daughter horribly. I'm sure you can do better even just in the sense that a lot of other guys are not this level of a-hole. Most people are not this bad. You are seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

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I guess these situations grow organically... if it had been like this from Day One, there's no way you'd have tolerated it. However, as little things start to mount up, it gets less and less easy to ignore them. I think sometimes we let things go because of a desire to make relationships work, and fearing being labelled 'selfish', and a whole host of rationalisations, but it sounds as though you've reached breaking point. You can only be the giver to his taker for so long, before the cracks appear and you realise your situation's intolerable.

 

My advice to you is run, run and don't look back. I get that you 'love' him, but I'm also guessing that you're really in love with the man you think he could be if only he'd put more into the relationship. Unfortunately, he is who he is and it won't get any better than this; for your sake, and that of your daughter, don't waste any more time on him than you absolutely have to - get him out of there and stop wasting your life and love on him.

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So I have three kids. So I know a thing or two about rules and discipline.

 

Give you an analogy. If you have a dog at the table and you say "no begging" and then hand it a steak? What does it learn!? That your words have no meaning. That your actions still give it a steak.

 

If your partner is disrespecting you in your house and you allow it to continue then you're allowing it to continue.

 

If your partners kid is in your house, she plays by your rules. Period. Otherwise she can't visit. That's how you need to play this.

 

Next time she comes over hand her a bucket and paint brush and say here repaint the wall.

 

You need to enforce rules within your house. How you do that is up to you. I've done everything from taking ALL of my kids toys away (took them to my work and left them in the back of the warehouse) for months. To taking them camping just so they could see the other kids having fun, and then said ok i just wanted you to see that you're missing now we're going home to clean your room. Turn off your WiFi. Turn off the TV. Don't cook them dinner etc. Stop enabling bad behavior. Don't tell me you've set rules if you don't follow through with a punishment for breaking them. Kids of all ages, and your partner and some adults will get away with whatever you allow them to.

 

It's up to you to set some standards.

 

I mean I would simply end this relationship if I were you.

 

But if you don't you sit then both down and say there's a new sheriff in town starting today and a whole bunch of rules to be followed or we are done tomorrow.

 

Otherwise just find yourself a way to be happy being miserable because you've given them no reason to change their behavior.

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Ok you need to seriously reassess if you want to be a blowup doll and nanny. No one can put you in that position unless you allow it. Talk and nagging are meaningless and easy to tune out. Particularly if you stay, participate and through those actions condone all this. Go or stay...or change your actions/behavior. Make changes that will be an improvement to your life.

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Update. I've asked him to leave. I've given him two weeks to get out of my house. His child isn't to be here at all in those two weeks.

But I've just found out my contraception failed and I'm pregnant 😭.

I know doing this is the right thing but wow I feel so bad.

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Unfortunately it's just a cycle of on/off, move out/move in and toxic distrust. But you're both ok with that otherwise you would end it.

So naturally I kicked him out. We decided to give things another go and he promised to be see through about everything - like I have his bank details passwords monitor on his phone etc

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