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So I’ve been married for quite a few years and I’m in my late 30s my wife and I have an open relationship. About two years ago I met a young lady in her late 20s that was going through a tough time. She and her husband got divorced and she has a couple of small children and we hit it off. I was helping her out With some of her needs and we were seeing each other regularly in a sexual relationship. This went on for a few months but she started dating a guy and they got serious and she moved in with him. She stopped seeing me and I understood even though I missed her. Fast forward a few months later to last fall and she got in touch with me again. She wasn’t happy with him she moved in to fast with the BF and we started seeing each other again. We have been seeing each other regularly until late June of this year. Then suddenly she basically ghosted me. Not completely as she didn’t block me or anything on social media but she wouldn’t talk to me and she started posting things more and more with her kids and the boyfriend it appeared she was trying to be loyal to him. I sent her a message letting her know that I missed her a couple of weeks ago and she replied with a crying face saying she hasn’t forgot about me. She called me the other day just to talk and we did for about an hour I haven’t heard from her since. To be clear I love my wife and again we are completely open. But I have strong feelings for this girl. At this point should I just leave it alone? I don’t know where it’s ever going to go. I just miss seeing her.

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Is this person also in an open relationship with her boyfriend? If hers is not an open relationship or he doesn't like you as a person in their lives, this is a no go. Open relationships, as you know, work when individuals are open not just about or with their sexual proclivities but in the entire openness of communication and information between those parties. If your wife and you have an established open relationship and have set your boundaries and rules accordingly, I don't see anything wrong with meeting people such as this other young lady. Usually husband/wife relationships are primary and other relationships are tertiary or secondary. If this other person isn't open to that type of lifestyle or her current partner isn't, you shouldn't be exerting any effort on your part to complicate matters further or pursue anything having to do with her.

 

It's generally not a good idea to incorporate other inexperienced couples into open relationships if they have not established their own boundaries or don't have a clear understanding of their own primary relationship/s.

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Is this person also in an open relationship with her boyfriend? If hers is not an open relationship or he doesn't like you as a person in their lives, this is a no go. Open relationships, as you know, work when individuals are open not just about or with their sexual proclivities but in the entire openness of communication and information between those parties. If your wife and you have an established open relationship and have set your boundaries and rules accordingly, I don't see anything wrong with meeting people such as this other young lady. Usually husband/wife relationships are primary and other relationships are tertiary or secondary. If this other person isn't open to that type of lifestyle or her current partner isn't, you shouldn't be exerting any effort on your part to complicate matters further or pursue anything having to do with her.

 

It's generally not a good idea to incorporate other inexperienced couples into open relationships if they have not established their own boundaries or don't have a clear understanding of their own primary relationship/s.

 

She was single when we met but no her and her boyfriend are not open. I left it alone when they got serious until she reached out to me last October. He doesn’t know me or about this. He only knows she was seeing a married guy when they met.

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At this point should I just leave it alone?
Yes because if you are missing her then you are too involved and being too involved will interfere (unintentionally) with your primary relationship.

 

She's a orbitor. She will orbit around you when she isn't getting her needs met at home and then she will whirl off without thought of you when she is settled at home... which is also fine if you didn't care that she does that, but clearly you do or this thread wouldn't exist. Not to mention that her and her partner are not open... don't enable her to cheat.

 

Find someone who you aren't so emotionally involved with and keep the sex open but the emotions to the sex partner closed.

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She was single when we met but no her and her boyfriend are not open. I left it alone when they got serious until she reached out to me last October. He doesn’t know me or about this. He only knows she was seeing a married guy when they met.

 

Talk about dropping a bomb (her with him). That is not the way I would have appreciated the story told. If her boyfriend doesn't like you or doesn't like her having anything to do with you even as a friend it might have to do with her lack of ability to recall details accurately (I'm referring to her lack of details or context when speaking about you in her past).

 

You're doing the right thing staying away from her. This isn't your call anymore. She's not in an open relationship and he's relatively clueless about her as a person. It's more trouble than it's worth and definitely not what open relationships are about. I would rethink what this means to your other relationships (with your wife or others) and be a bit more responsible about the types of people you're bringing in. You shouldn't be allowing this to influence your presence in other relationships or reduce your ability to function in your other relationships in a clear or loving way.

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I have some friends in open relationships and I understand that it's possible to have a relationship with more than one person at the same time. However it doesn't seem like this girl actually considers you a relationship. To me it sounds like she's not exactly polyamorous and she's just happy to see you for sex when she's single and has nobody else. And when she's with someone seriously she doesn't want to be polyamorous and she doesn't want to see you anymore. This could either be because she's not really into open relationships or that she's not into you in that way, or both. I'm sure if she felt strongly about you she would not keep ending things with you.

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I have some friends in open relationships and I understand that it's possible to have a relationship with more than one person at the same time. However it doesn't seem like this girl actually considers you a relationship. To me it sounds like she's not exactly polyamorous and she's just happy to see you for sex when she's single and has nobody else. And when she's with someone seriously she doesn't want to be polyamorous and she doesn't want to see you anymore. This could either be because she's not really into open relationships or that she's not into you in that way, or both. I'm sure if she felt strongly about you she would not keep ending things with you.

She’s not happy with him is the bottom line she just stays with him because he has a good job and she has two small kids. She’s been with him since June of 2018 and reached back out to me to start seeing me again in Oct of 2018. We saw each other until late June. I did message her on Facebook as I said and told I her I miss her about two weeks ago then she called me last week. I know it’s not over but I’m wondering if maybe I should just move on. This on and off stuff makes me crazy. I care more about her than I should we have great chemistry. But I can’t give her anything more than I do and my wife hates her at this point lol.

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I thought "open relationship" meant you have sex and companionship with others but you don't have actual RELATIONSHIPS with others and you sure don't fall in love.

 

Or are the terms of your open relationship different?

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I thought "open relationship" meant you have sex and companionship with others but you don't have actual RELATIONSHIPS with others and you sure don't fall in love.

 

Or are the terms of your open relationship different?

 

No you’re on point that’s how its supposed to be. I’ve been with many different ladies during my marriage but she’s the only one that’s been a problem. I’m in my late 30s she’s in her late 20s and looks early 20s so that’s part of it I’m sure. She makes me feel young if that makes any sense? There is an addictive quality about her.

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No you’re on point that’s how its supposed to be. I’ve been with many different ladies during my marriage but she’s the only one that’s been a problem. I’m in my late 30s she’s in her late 20s and looks early 20s so that’s part of it I’m sure. She makes me feel young if that makes any sense? There is an addictive quality about her.

 

Well sure but it's probably a problem because you've actually developed feelings for her and she hasn't for you? It sounds like for her it actually is just sex. Which is probably not wrong exactly because you are in an open marriage where the arrangement is just to have sex with other women...? It sounds like she only sees you when she's single and she doesn't have other guys. So it seems like she just wants you for sex while she's not with anyone else. I mean, you could continue like this and keep having sex with her. But if you've actually fallen for her then you are probably likely to get hurt.

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Well sure but it's probably a problem because you've actually developed feelings for her and she hasn't for you? It sounds like for her it actually is just sex. Which is probably not wrong exactly because you are in an open marriage where the arrangement is just to have sex with other women...? It sounds like she only sees you when she's single and she doesn't have other guys. So it seems like she just wants you for sex while she's not with anyone else. I mean, you could continue like this and keep having sex with her. But if you've actually fallen for her then you are probably likely to get hurt.

 

No it’s not when she doesn't have a boyfriend. She’s had the same boyfriend since June of 2018. She’s been cheating on him with me since October up until two months ago.

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No it’s not when she doesn't have a boyfriend. She’s had the same boyfriend since June of 2018. She’s been cheating on him with me since October up until two months ago.

 

Then its clear that psychologically, she gets with you because you're safe in the fact that you can't commit to her because you are married. You can't have an eff buddy (and that's what you are to one another) once you catch the feels for her/him. It just causes angst and causes you to make threads looking for advice that validates your addiction to her.

 

zero contact my friend. You are interfering with your primary relationship not to mention helping her to cheat. What is good about THAT other than your own selfish wants (not needs, this is not about needs)

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Although you're in a complicated situation, what it boils down to is something very simple.

 

You are in love with someone in a relationship with someone else, who wants to use you for sex when it suits her.

 

Who knows if she's happy with her boyfriend? The classic line from people who have affairs of any kind is that their partner doesn't understand them/they're not happy with them/ect yak and blah. The reality of the situation is that she's still with him, and they AREN'T in an open relationship.

 

My advice to you is the same as I'd give anyone emotionally committed to someone who isn't really available to them... and that's to let it go, and move on. To do anything else will just end in heartbreak for you, not to mention destroying your relationship with your wife. I guess people who have FWB arrangements have a similar dilemma; it all works fine until one or other party falls in love.

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