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unidentified relationship?


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ill try sum this up as best i can. so ...

- matched a guy on tinder around 5 months ago and we talked, wasnt until

- 4 months ago that we met up

- went on dates and he met my friends and i met his at festival events

- he made me his wallpaper, posted photos with me on instagram, made me his instagram display picture and he tells his friends about me which lead me to

- question what we were around 1 month+ after we met

- i didn't express this, afraid that i'd scare him off but i didn't need to because eventually

- he deleted tinder and affirmed he didn't need it because he has me and

- told me he loved me on maybe our ~15th? date HOWEVER

- due to his first and last relationship ending with his girlfriend cheating and lying to him

- he hates the official bf/gf label as it reminds him of heartbreak

- warned me he doesn't know when he'll be ready but he doesn't want to stop seeing me, loves me

- i am concerned but decide to roll with it as i like him too much to let go and naive ol me thinks it won't get to me

- fast forward to present, things have been going great, its been about 5 months since we've been dating

- recently, he's brought up his father joking about me being his daughter in law

- his mother wants to meet me and have lunch and he jokes "she's going to interrogate the hell out of you to see if you're the right fit for me"

- his friends and his dad refer to me as his girlfriend and he doesn't correct them

- all this starts to puzzle me as he'd never asked me officially to be his gf

- i brought it up today and he remains stubborn and tells me the label traumatises him and wants to stop talking about it and he insists he can't give me an answer when he'll be ready

- i tell him why it confuses me especially if i meet his parents and were technically "friends" seeing each other even though everything we do embodies a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend

- he says he takes it back and doesn't think i should meet them anymore and he won't meet mine as it's too much a "bf/gf" thing to do

- UNLESS i'm ok with meeting them, staying over at his house but knowing that were not officially labelled and were "Just seeing each other"

- i know this will conflict with my family's very straightforward beliefs, he's caucasian and i'm asian so i disagree as my parents would never agree with our status

- reaffirms that the label reminds him of heartbreak and doesn't want it for a long time which is crazy to me as i think the pain will be all the same if we separate regardless of the label

- we argue a little

- i say that it chips at my insecurity that maybe he just doesn't want that final bit of commitment to me (even though he calls me babe, love, treats me like a boyf would and shows me off) and it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me to not break his heart

- he insists that it'd be the same situation regardless if it was another girl/person

- he then says he intends to call someone his girlfriend when he's confident that marriage is on the cards

- which confuses me because shouldn't the wife/husband/engagement ring and proposal be the telltale sign of marriage and NOT a bf/gf label

- he remains stubborn and insists he doesn't wanna talk about it

- we can't come to an agreement as he's too stubborn to fold but i like/love him too much to let go

- just reminding: he does a lot for me, drives and pays for every date (i dont own a car, im 18 and still unemployed), talk everyday, have each other as our wallpapers, shows me off to his friends, wants me to hang with them more, WANTED me to meet his parents (but not anymore now that he knows i think it's a gf/bf thing to do)

- i'm just really confused on what to do, i don't want outside opinion to effect my own and he hopes it doesn't too because it sounds like i'm being played around with when i tell people were not official yet and i can't help my insecurity (but they don't hear about just exactly how much he does for me)

- i'm just worried there's something i'm not seeing and maybe i'm being dense but i want to trust him but i'm not sure if this will come back to bite me harder down the road

- i think i just want someone to talk to

- sorry for the rant

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Is boyfriend just a label to you? If so why would you care? It sounds like it's not just a label to him at all -he doesn't want to refer to you as his girlfriend because he doesn't feel that way about you at this time and he doesn't want to lead you on. It's easy to play at being a committed couple if you don't have to actually have the commitment. So if you knew he was never going to commit to you how long would you stay?


You can help your insecurity. You feel insecure because he is not interested in something secure with you. So you can choose to react to your insecurity either by settling for what he is offering or by telling him with grace and class that you understand he is "scared" to become boyfriend-girlfriend with you and that is fine except that you are not interested in waiting around any longer for him to get over his fears. So you tell him if he chooses to work on his fears and chooses to be with you he knows how to contact you but if not please do not contact anymore.


It's fine if he would be this way with anyone. It's not fine for you because you are looking for a committed relationship. He is not looking for one with you and enjoys the perks of being a couple without having to have the actual commitment.


I wouldn't care about what other people think. The problem is you agree with those people. You agree that it's important that you two are on the same page as far as being in a committed relationship.

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He should bubblewrap himself and tie himself to a tree if he's so afraid of the terms bf/gf. I think he's a walking bundle of nerves and not even close to the reality of being in a relationship.


The thing with labels is it calls a spade a spade, brings items out of the shadows and into the light, categorizes and creates a basis for understanding and even allows for tweaks and changes as a couple sees fit. The point to make is that it creates a basis of understanding so that two people understand each others' expectations and are able to function with a little more understanding. While I respect people who are consistent in their beliefs, this person is not consistent in the way he presents himself to others and the way he behaves around you in the resistance to labels. He even trojan horse's himself as a boyfriend among his family with you and yet he can't bear to look at the word. That kind of aversion to something rather harmless and semantics-based screams issues.


Both of you are totally not compatible. It might do you good to be around someone who has a little less of a problem calling things as they are. If you like the comfort and ease of something as simple as gf or bf, you should feel free to meet someone a lot less like this person. He has a lot of work to do on himself and he's also entitled to resist labels if that floats his boat. If you feel you have the patience of a saint to work through this with him, feel free too. It will probably take a whole lot of patience.

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a lil extra to add on:

he's discussed marriage with me before and has shown that he's open to making future plans with me?


But he still goes into seizures at the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm not sure what the terms husband and wife will do to him. Best have 911 on speed dial.

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a lil extra to add on:

he's discussed marriage with me before and has shown that he's open to making future plans with me?


Yes -nice words that he is not willing to back up with committing to you as your boyfriend, your significant other - this is where words matter -the words of boyfriend has with it the action of commitment. Many are "open to making future plans" and of course you're only 18 - but at your ages he can show you he's serious about a potential future by being in a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

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  • 2 months later...

so update: looool

- two weeks ago, i asked him about a girl ive seen him tagging in comments on posts cause they sounded flirty.

- he told me shes a friend he met back in august and then breaks things off with me within a half hour.

- two days later, i come across more evidence that it was too coincidental so i ask her myself and find out he lied about who she was and they've been flirting and organising to meet up for a date and she never knew of who i was.

- he confronts me angrily basically calling me bitter and salty

- im mostly angry cause if i didnt ask about who the girl was that night, idk when he would've broken it off with me while still talking to her.

- i block him on everything

- a week later the girl calls me crying and i tell her of all the bad signs to look out for and she tells me he doesnt want a relationship with her either, at least not for 5 years and he wants her to detach herself from him and they should "turn things down a notch" but they still talk everyday constantly so idk how he's expecting her to not be attached

- he picked up his jacket from me and apologised about everything and tells me of all the reasons why she's not a "keeper" and why he's not into her like that and all these things about her personality

- this conflicts with what shes been telling me as he wants to keep talking to her but theyre keeping things "casual" and "seeing how we go" but he still doesnt want a relationship so shes heartbroken but shes gonna keep going and keep her guard up

- he says he believes somewhere down the road, were gonna reconnect and resume what we were doing before to which i turned down so now he wants to hang as friends and watch a movie on thursday

- do i tell her about these things he's said to me?? i dont want to seem like im trying to sabotage things between them and it should be their business

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I get it.


At the same time, I'd suggest you try to step back just a bit, and remember the facts here, chief among them being that you don't really know this woman and that your only point in common is a guy who has always been pretty lame and proved himself, at last, to just flat-out suck. So to engage with her, really, is just a way to keep engaging with him, to ensure that he occupies significant real estate in your emotional bandwidth. Which gets you...what, exactly? A sense of power? A way of feeling "good" about all this? Vindication? A few more hits off the volatile pipe that this thing has always been?


Those are real questions worth asking.


In your shoes? I'd take a deep breath, howl at the moon, laugh at the absurdity, chalk this all up as a good, hard lesson learned early, about not bending so far from what you want to get a warped version of it. Because what does that get you? It's a bit like sucking on bones when you're really hungry. Yeah, there's some meat there, and it kind of feels like a meal, except for the part where you're still hungry and behaving in ways that don't really feel like you.


Real nourishment is not with him—and, by extension, not with her. Sometimes we need to gnaw on some weird bones. Been there. But there comes a point where it's best to just walk away, with grace, calling it all for what it is and was so you can make room for a whole different kind of feast, you know?

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