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Are there other women out there in their 40's that have noticed a lack of emotionally available and healthy single/divorced men? I am dating again, but I've never seen so many men with baggage and issues in my life. Or maybe it's an online thing?

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Well you are in your 40s, which means presumably you are dating guys who are at least in their 40s too.

 

Where are the good stable men? Already locked in stable and successful long term relationships, probably since their 20s.

 

That means your pool of potential mates are guys who have somehow either not been able to have relationships by that age, or have been unable to hold one together for one reason for other. Naturally they will come with baggage and issues from a lifetime of probably bad experiences with women, or no experience.

 

Your best hope is the stable/successful/decent man who was in a long term relationship that ended for reasons not related to his character. Like if his wife had an affair, or died. Of course such events also leave a mark on a man, so he is not quite the same guy as he was in his 20s, but still better than the majority of internet losers. (to be a little blunt)

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Hi Mirror -

 

I've noticed a large flux of divorced men (and never married) since dating again. I expected it to be a dessert but it's been the opposite.

 

My ex was a man whose wife cheated on him, but it turned out that he wasn't the stable/successful/decent man I thought him to be. But I did consider him because I figured he had probably learned something from his marriage and wasn't the one that caused the divorce. I was wrong. I turned down a widower a long time ago (he was older) because he was trying to use me to fill the void and he never really quite got over her. You cannot compete with a dead woman.

 

Agreed. Most of the guys I have met recently online (and one offline) had issues. If I thought it was a numbers game before, it is even more so now.

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Rose - I feel lucky that so far, it's been pretty obvious. One guy tried to argue me out of wanting to get married again. I thought, perhaps you should find a woman who doesn't want to get married again. Others can show high attraction but lack warmth (avoidant never married's). Highly introverted guys who can't hold a conversation and don't seem interested in human interaction. One guy still very angry at his ex wife. I'm glad they wear they have worn their red flags on their sleeves.

 

I'm not expecting baggage free. I just want someone who has worked through their stuff and is capable of having a healthy relationship. Ok, that's not all I want but that's the starter.

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That's the spirit! Love that last line. Dating is hard coming out of a long(er) term relationship or after a break up and it's possible to feel burnt out too, meeting people on dates, hearing so many stories. There's only so much a person can take after a month or two. It's ok to take breaks too - a week or a month off the dating scene to spend more time with friends and family or work on other things. I have a lot of stories, mostly silly and nothing too damaging while dating (a lot I can look back on and just shake my head). I've met a few good people and a lot of interesting people. There are lots of times I wish I had met my husband much earlier but it didn't work out that way. At least I have a lot of silly stories to keep myself entertained. I definitely don't have a longing to experience anything outside of what I have. Been there, done that.

 

While it may seem unbelievable and confusing in the moment, don't forget to have a good laugh about it too. I think the worst thing to do, in my mind, is to take it all too seriously. The right person will show up and you'll know when it's right for you.

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I don't think it's a total lost cause for you, Belle. Even though the pool of desirable men in their 40s is rather small, someone is out there for you.

 

I agree with MirrorKnight. Unfortunately, single / divorced men in their 40s carry a lot of baggage due to their ex, wary and jaded attitudes from being burned and don't forget many of them have children! Their children will always take top priority, naturally. Many of them pay child support which affects their relationships with others since there's less money in the pot to go around.

 

It is true that most "catches" were snatched up early while these men were only in their 20s, however, you can still hold out hope. There is a special man out there for you. You just hadn't found him yet.

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There will be baggage at this point. Relax don't overcompensate like you did with your ex and take your time getting to know men. Rule out red flags but expect a past in middle aged people. You have a past and baggage too.

I've noticed a large flux of divorced men (and never married) since dating again.
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To be honest, I didn't really find it worse dating in my late 30s from dating in my 20s. Different? Sure. But I don't see it like some of these other posters do, like all the good guys were gobbled up and locked down in their 20s. And I don't think baggage got worse either.

Then again, I'm not someone who ever thought marriage or having kids is any sort of indication of the maturity and character of a person. People are always in flux, going on their own little personal internal journeys, and age isn't the major factor in availability. Where that person is personally and how they compliment or clash with you is what it's all about at any age.

Throw out these preconceptions about yourself and the men in the dating pool. You didn't miss some boat that takes off only once and that's it. People get on and off all the time, with different suitcases, that's all.

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Oh Belle...you think it's bad in your 40's....try 60's!!! I got divorced over 10 years ago....and there is no way that I thought I'd still be single at almost 65. I had always wanted to be happily married. Always. I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years....so I thought...yay! Now I can find 'the one'.

 

Didn't happen...and I've pretty much thrown in the towel. Maybe if there was a larger pool of men. But the one's I've seen online...have been on there for 10 years...and the same old pictures too!!! lol -Pretty much sucks. I can find guys interested in me (a few...lol) but I'm not feeling it back! The meetups I go to....are 85 percent women!!! Men at this age are just old....and really....I agree....if they are great husband material...they've been married since their 20's and 30's!!!

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It's logical to assume that if you are dating at a later age (40+) you can expect a certain amount of people with baggage.(Both men and women)

 

You would think that if most of them are looking for a serious relationship and haven't found it this late in life, that something might be up. I mean, that is logic, right?

 

Many fall into one of these categories: 1.) Isn't good at making a relationship work/has fairly bad issues of some sort 2.) Has had a bad partner previously or is a widower and has some emotional scarring. 3.) No experience and hasn't barely dated or dated at all. 4.) Is a sleep around and pretends to want a relationship but is going from one person to the next.

and the worst on the dating sites, 5.) Already in a relationship or marriage and are lying/cheating.

 

I think it's what's to be expected, mind you this can be much the same for 35 and younger. It takes time to find not only the right match but someone who is compatible with the issues you bring into the relationship, as let's be honest here, none of us is perfect.

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ha. I believe most people 40+ and back to dating have some bit of "emotionally unavailable" in them - not just men.

I see a LOT of it in females too.

 

So.. as they say.. quit worrying about other people's houses and just worry about your own house. nobody likes a judgmental person who only wants to see other people's shortcomings when we all have our own.

 

Good luck.

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It's logical to assume that if you are dating at a later age (40+) you can expect a certain amount of people with baggage.(Both men and women)

 

You would think that if most of them are looking for a serious relationship and haven't found it this late in life, that something might be up. I mean, that is logic, right?

 

Many fall into one of these categories: 1.) Isn't good at making a relationship work/has fairly bad issues of some sort 2.) Has had a bad partner previously or is a widower and has some emotional scarring. 3.) No experience and hasn't barely dated or dated at all. 4.) Is a sleep around and pretends to want a relationship but is going from one person to the next.

and the worst on the dating sites, 5.) Already in a relationship or marriage and are lying/cheating.

 

I think it's what's to be expected, mind you this can be much the same for 35 and younger. It takes time to find not only the right match but someone who is compatible with the issues you bring into the relationship, as let's be honest here, none of us is perfect.

 

I love this. So true.

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My experience mirrors most of the women here, I found the numbers of men online on dating sites were plentiful, but the quality was dreadful. There is a reason why these men are available. It's not a "numbers" game, it's a "quality" game. Women are usually single because they chose that (divorce is overwhelmingly filed by women) and have trouble finding someone to date while men have trouble finding someone to date them. And sadly, the higher quality the woman, the more trouble she will have. Quality men will have the opposite problem, their dating options are plentiful. While the numbers of men and women are roughly equal, among singles statistically there is an over-supply of high quality women and an under-supply of high-quality men; more men have criminal records/are in prison than women, men are not as "emotionally intelligent" as women and are not as good at forming and keeping relationships and far more men are abusers than women, men have drug and alcohol problems at approximately twice the rate as women, men are less educated than women and their unemployment rates are often higher . . . and twice as many men are gay than women are gay (this doesn't speak to their "quality" just that this is another challenge women face).

 

I don't think it's helpful to hear "your guy is out there, you just haven't found him yet." That is untrue. We are not guaranteed a relationship in this life and I can name plenty of women who died without ever finding "the one." I'm sure they were told repeatedly by well-meaning people that there was someone out there for them, but there was not.

 

I've learned to be very happy by myself and now I actually prefer being single. I date casually (not online, but men I meet in my real life) and I am upfront with men about not being open to a relationship. If I wake up at 3:00 a.m. and want to watch Fox News in bed, I can do that. If I don't want anything for dinner but Frosted Flakes and chocolate cake, I can do that. If I want to sell my house tomorrow and move, I can do that. Or if I decide I want to stay indefinitely and paint my bedroom bright pink, I can do that. I never have to cook for anyone (OK, I do still have two kids at home but they're teens/young adults and are independent) and I have a lot less laundry and housework to do which makes me more available for my interests.

 

It's all about perspective. There's a whole world out there for you to experience and you don't have to be half of a couple to experience it!

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My experience mirrors most of the women here, I found the numbers of men online on dating sites were plentiful, but the quality was dreadful. There is a reason why these men are available. It's not a "numbers" game, it's a "quality" game. Women are usually single because they chose that (divorce is overwhelmingly filed by women) and have trouble finding someone to date while men have trouble finding someone to date them. And sadly, the higher quality the woman, the more trouble she will have. Quality men will have the opposite problem, their dating options are plentiful. While the numbers of men and women are roughly equal, among singles statistically there is an over-supply of high quality women and an under-supply of high-quality men; more men have criminal records/are in prison than women, men are not as "emotionally intelligent" as women and are not as good at forming and keeping relationships and far more men are abusers than women, men have drug and alcohol problems at approximately twice the rate as women, men are less educated than women and their unemployment rates are often higher . . . and twice as many men are gay than women are gay (this doesn't speak to their "quality" just that this is another challenge women face).

 

Wow. I am sorry you've had such trouble finding someone but I absolutely disagree with how you're basically hating on men. Men have issues but women are not much different.

How you make it sound like men are horrible and women aren't, is not true.

High quality women but low quality men? Women choose to remain single but the men are just no good?

 

I can't even fathom this stuff, sorry but I can't. I don't feel men and women are that far apart when it comes to most things.

 

This thread should not be a man hating thread. I think anyone on a dating site has a certain amount of issues...why? because it makes us human beings.

We are all struggling, we all have made mistakes, we all don't know what we're doing sometimes and we all have have brought problems to the table.

There is no perfection.

 

To even us the word "quality" is disgraceful. How is it okay to downgrade a human life to that? There are people who are more compatible with each other, there are some who have had similar life experiences and have better understanding. There are also others who have had more bad luck and a harder go in life...but none of it makes anyone less "quality" than others.

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Rose - I just came back from a break. Sigh. It would be more worthwhile if I met people that ended up being friends but that's not happening either.

 

I know I'm picky, but I'm not yet ready to settle. It sounds like you didn't, you just had to wait a while.

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I'm finding that some of those catches are getting divorced for whatever reason. But they tend to jump right back into the next relationship because many men that have been married a long time don't like being alone.

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To be honest, I didn't really find it worse dating in my late 30s from dating in my 20s. Different? Sure. But I don't see it like some of these other posters do, like all the good guys were gobbled up and locked down in their 20s. And I don't think baggage got worse either.

Then again, I'm not someone who ever thought marriage or having kids is any sort of indication of the maturity and character of a person. People are always in flux, going on their own little personal internal journeys, and age isn't the major factor in availability. Where that person is personally and how they compliment or clash with you is what it's all about at any age.

Throw out these preconceptions about yourself and the men in the dating pool. You didn't miss some boat that takes off only once and that's it. People get on and off all the time, with different suitcases, that's all.

 

I found dating in my 20's much easier and a lot more fun than in my 30's or 40's. The guys were better looking, in shape and had lots of hair. lol

 

I don't think I missed the boat. Some others here seem to think so but I'm not convinced. There are a lot of single people out there. It is unfortunate that it appears that there are a lot of single people that aren't necessarily capable of or want to have healthy relationships. That's what is dismaying.

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Oh Belle...you think it's bad in your 40's....try 60's!!! I got divorced over 10 years ago....and there is no way that I thought I'd still be single at almost 65. I had always wanted to be happily married. Always. I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years....so I thought...yay! Now I can find 'the one'.

 

Didn't happen...and I've pretty much thrown in the towel. Maybe if there was a larger pool of men. But the one's I've seen online...have been on there for 10 years...and the same old pictures too!!! lol -Pretty much sucks. I can find guys interested in me (a few...lol) but I'm not feeling it back! The meetups I go to....are 85 percent women!!! Men at this age are just old....and really....I agree....if they are great husband material...they've been married since their 20's and 30's!!!

 

Ok now you're scaring. You make me want to run back to the last guy I dated. i hope you're at least making friends at the meetups. :)

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I don't think it's helpful to hear "your guy is out there, you just haven't found him yet." That is untrue. We are not guaranteed a relationship in this life and I can name plenty of women who died without ever finding "the one." I'm sure they were told repeatedly by well-meaning people that there was someone out there for them, but there was not.

 

You are preaching to the choir waffle. Except I am not happy single. My one regret is that when I was younger I didn't date enough. I was a serial monogamist and after I ended a couple of relationships, I took 3 years to get over each. Then I would date to find someone (not dating a number of people to see who was most compatible.) Then i'd find that person didn't work either. Those were years that I should have been finding the father of my kids but I was overly sentimental and believed there was this stupid thing called "soul mate." So, so foolish. Also, I let work take over my life during the same period.

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Rose - I just came back from a break. Sigh. It would be more worthwhile if I met people that ended up being friends but that's not happening either.

 

I know I'm picky, but I'm not yet ready to settle. It sounds like you didn't, you just had to wait a while.

 

Don’t settle! Put the intention in your heart that you are ready and open to meeting a man that has values that align with yours and commit to walking through whatever fears come up once you do meet him.

 

Be patient, keep your eyes, ears and heart open and look for him to come from somewhere totally unexpected.

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Don’t settle! Put the intention in your heart that you are ready and open to meeting a man that has values that align with yours and commit to walking through whatever fears come up once you do meet him.

 

I love this. The latter part is the hard part. Staying vulnerable when you might actually have something to lose because this one is different than the others.

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Rose - I just came back from a break. Sigh. It would be more worthwhile if I met people that ended up being friends but that's not happening either.

 

I know I'm picky, but I'm not yet ready to settle. It sounds like you didn't, you just had to wait a while.

 

I didn't settle and it just happened that way. I think ours is one of those cases where we only would have been compatible meeting later in life. There are some real pluses to that (better health, more financially stable/established careers, able to anticipate each others' needs, communicate better, laugh more, not take things so seriously, more perspectives etc etc). It's difficult when you're wading through the swamps but a lot of the time you'll have experience on your side and things are a lot easier once you find someone on your wavelength.

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Rose - I have definitely sharpened my radar for the guys that aren't really relationship material. Those that are capable, but not right now can be more challenging. You can see that they have an elevated level of emotional maturity but aren't ready to work for it yet.

 

On another note, a guy I dated over 7 years ago that was emotionally unavailable, took a "break" and then came back only for me to tell him no is reaching out to me again. He was very good looking, successful, no kids and we had a lot in common. He was a year out of his divorce though and was in no way ready for a relationship. I'm curious to catch up with him. I suspect that it wasn't just his divorce that made him emotionally unavailable, but I guess I can talk to him and find out.

 

This is the 5th "ex" (he was a short term so not technically an ex) that has reached out to me in the last year since I left my ex fiancé. 3 of them I hadn't heard from in 7-8 years, 2 over a decade. There must be a full moon for exes..

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