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This guy I'm in love with and used to date asked me out then I said yes but then he broke up w me and said he wasn't 'ready' for a relationship but get this. a couple days later he aked me if we could have sex even tho we werent dating and i said yea but now hes crushing on this girl (he said on sc) and i dont think he likes me and now im actually so sad and i dont know what to do. no im not telling my friends bc they already deal with my bull enough and i feel like im taking up all their breathing space.

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Girl, grow up. Sorry to be harsh, but he never liked you, he just wanted to f' you cos you were available and you made it easy.

 

That is the truth. I consider myself a very responsible and conservative guy, but the truth is that pretty much every straight guy would be happy to have sex with every woman he found attractive, if it were easy and free of consequence. That is just biology, men are constrained by culture and society, but otherwise we are driven to procreate and spread our seed. That is instinct.

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I hate the “men are Neanderthals” line of argument because I feel it’s an excuse for bad behavior... but I don’t disagree with the overall advice.

 

Unfortunately, the “bar” that many men have for having sex is very low. Many will have sex with anyone, provided they are not repulsed at the idea. (Not all men are like this but many are...)

 

A classic “girl” mistake (although some men do this too) is to think “I wouldn’t have sex with someone who I didn’t like - therefore, if he wants to have sex with me, it means he must like me!”. It doesn’t work like that.

 

Unfortunately, he was very clear on what he wanted - that he didn’t want a relationship but that he wanted sex. You tricked YOURSELF into believing it could be more.

 

Where I think he’s a jerk is that you should never have casual sex with someone when you know they have feelings for you. IMO, it was predictable that you would hope for more and would get hurt. That makes him a jerk in my books.

 

Feel the feels but try not to beat yourself up for too long. Most of us have been there. Learn your lesson, pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and block this guy. He doesn’t deserve even one more moment of your time and energy.

 

Chin up, OP!

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Don't have sex with guys who don't respect you or want you. Delete and block this guy and start dating decent boys.

he broke up w me and said he wasn't 'ready' for a relationship but get this. a couple days later he aked me if we could have sex even tho we werent dating and i said yea
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I hate the “men are Neanderthals” line of argument because I feel it’s an excuse for bad behavior...

 

It is not an excuse, I was just stating biological facts. It stems from the fact that humans are mammals. In all mammals, the male contribution to the act of reproduction commits far less resources than the female, from the moment of conception, up to pregnancy, birth, childcare etc. From the moment he does his business and impregnates a woman, his biology is telling him to move on and find more fertile women. So yes, the cost of promiscuity for men is much lower than for women, leading to that much lower bar for sex as you explained.

 

That said, don't lose hope in all men OP. Most guys... erm... a large proportion of guys, at some point do decide to settle down and raise a family in a stable environment. It comes with maturity, it's just the age of maturity varies a lot, and some guys will remain s for their entire lives.

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I hate the “men are Neanderthals” line of argument because I feel it’s an excuse for bad behavior...

 

I agree with this ^^^.

 

Any guy who relies on "I need to spread my seed" is a big, old load of malarkey. Wanting and enjoying sex doesn't negate someone's ability to practice self-control (or basic human decency), which we as human beings are more than capable of doing. I mean, come on. Sheesh.

 

In terms of your situation, OP, I'm sorry this happened, BUT, you slept with a guy after he told you he did not want a relationship, so it was your choice to engage in sex with a man who made it clear that he didn't want a commitment. Maybe you were hoping that him wanting to be intimate with you would lead to more, but you can't rely on this way of thinking.

 

The fact that he even approached you about wanting to have sex after he told you he didn't want a relationship was definitely nervy/jerky on his part (especially if he knew that you had feelings for him), but then I do believe it was on you to say "no" if you weren't prepared to deal with the outcome. I understand that you were emotionally invested in this guy, and undoubtedly looking/hoping for more with him, but when a guy tells you that he isn't looking for a commitment, take him at his word.

 

This guy also needs to learn to not take advantage of someone when they're vulnerable. He should not have contacted you after he made it clear that he wasn't looking for a relationship. It was a jerk move on his part, for sure.

 

That said, and moving forward, don't have sex because you hope it will change a guy's mind about wanting a committed relationship. If you want to have sex because it's just strictly what YOU want, more power to you, but don't do it for someone else, or because you hope it will change their mind about their feelings towards you.

 

I'm sorry this happened and that you're feeling this way, and I'm hoping that you don't waste another minute of your time on this guy.

 

Please don't communicate with him anymore. Just block, delete, move on.

Edited by milly007
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I agree with the others. I might mention too: What is disheartening to me is that your friends don't seem very interested in your life or willing to support you. The type of friendships we cultivate tend to cultivate us too over time (our opinions, convictions, beliefs and the way we are as people). If they are not good friends, stop associating with them. If they are good friends of yours, I'd try to listen more to what they're saying and the feedback you're getting from people who care about you. Not everyone will care much about your wellbeing but pay attention to the ones that have always shown that they have.

 

I think all those add up to your identity and self-esteem and the way you view yourself and behave around others. You shouldn't be compromising the way you think or feel or the way you believe you should be treated by someone whether dating or otherwise. I'd be more aware of the negative effects negative influences have in your life overall.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Girl, grow up. Sorry to be harsh, but he never liked you, he just wanted to f' you cos you were available and you made it easy.

 

That is the truth. I consider myself a very responsible and conservative guy, but the truth is that pretty much every straight guy would be happy to have sex with every woman he found attractive, if it were easy and free of consequence. That is just biology, men are constrained by culture and society, but otherwise we are driven to procreate and spread our seed. That is instinct.

 

... and this sort of thinking is why eastern born women of a certain culture are forced to cover their whole body and face when out in public. Wouldn't want to stir up the loins of a man who is "constrained by culture and society now... poor dudes. Good grief and Gah!

 

Anyway, Op: You brought this on yourself when you agreed to have sex with him outside of a relationship. Please learn from this so you won't be "sad" again. Know that sex doesn't get you who you want more times than not.

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There needs to be a sticky at the top of the page or something.

 

Having uncommitted sex with a guy will NOT make him fall in love with you, especially when he flat out tells you he wants nothing but sex! I don't care how many "couple-y" things you two do or if he makes you a smoothie. Having uncommitted sex will NOT make him fall in love with you!

 

Also want to add, doing "soooooo much" for someone doesn't make them fall in love with you. Neither does paying their bills or giving them money. Or lurking around as "friends".

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