Jump to content

Having a narcissistic father, neglectful mother


SarahJay
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi, so here's the deal.

 

My dad cheated on my mom at young age, is a pathological liar (he'll even lie about things he doesn't need to lie about) and is toxic to women. He and my mom are divorced. My mom plays dumb to stuff happening, makes excuses for behaviors and is in her own world- no emotional support there. My dad isn't involved with me but he is not outright abusive to me (tho i k now he put his first wife in the hospital, never hit MY mom, hit the girlfriend he was cheating on my mom with in front of me - well i was in another room and she started yelling "Sarah he hit me!" and pushed his current wife down the stairs so he's got a problem)...

 

I had to move back home (I'm in my twenties) to my mom's house because I was diagnosed bipolar later in my twenties, it worsened, I went on disability and no it's not permanent living situation. She is using my bipolar to cover all her parenting flaws from childbirth on. She can be controlling as well. She's not able to help me with anything. I'm faced with all her flaws after living on my own for a while before moving back home.

 

My dad is the big issue. I'm scared of him. He didn't text me or call since last christmas about and then he did recently for my birthday. I stopped and stared at my text from him like "Wow I thought you left my life" but he comes in all the time. IF I CUT HIM OUT = HE WILL CALL MY MOM WHO WILL GIVE HIM INFORMATION ABOUT ME TO THE POINT HE WILL JUST DROP IN. THis has happened before.

 

My mom IS supporting me financially even tho I'm also on disability (because it's not enough to live on) but she's just above the poverty line so I forgive her and feel sorry for her. He is not helping at all and glides in whenever he wants.

 

I'm not able to cut either out in a way that I feel safe and comfortable. My dad at least leaves me alone. If he calls he just talks about himself. It's not unless I p ush back that he suddenly acts like he cares. I was struggling financially and he bragged about potentially having two houses (a beach house). He makes 100k a year. I have five shirts that fit me right now.

 

I dont know how to get them in line nor my mom to keep my dad out- who she feels bad for. :-( Any advice helps. If you can relate even better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since you don't want to cut your dad off, then remain civil yet blunt. If he texts you 'Happy Birthday,' simply text back with a short "thank you" and that's it. No more no less.

 

If he calls you, keep it politely BRIEF. Have good manners but keep it short. If you wish to end the conversation even if it's one-sided, say, "Ok, I'll let you go now." Then politely, say, "Bye" and hang up. There is a way to enforce healthy boundaries with people. You have to steer the ship and be in control.

 

Remain "blah." Don't get emotionally invested.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you calling your mother neglectful and not your father?

He has money yet she is the one supporting you financially?

 

Who cares if he drops in unannounced? You don’t have to let him in if you don’t want to.

Do you feel he is threat? Or not?

 

It’s not up to you to manage the relationship between your parents. You had no control as a child. But as an adult you are capable of making informed decisions.

 

Make them!?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you calling your mother neglectful and not your father?

He has money yet she is the one supporting you financially?

 

Who cares if he drops in unannounced? You don’t have to let him in if you don’t want to.

Do you feel he is threat? Or not?

 

It’s not up to you to manage the relationship between your parents. You had no control as a child. But as an adult you are capable of making informed decisions.

 

Make them!?

 

I'm not answering all of this just that yes my father is neglectful too. Jeez.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since you don't want to cut your dad off, then remain civil yet blunt. If he texts you 'Happy Birthday,' simply text back with a short "thank you" and that's it. No more no less.

 

If he calls you, keep it politely BRIEF. Have good manners but keep it short. If you wish to end the conversation even if it's one-sided, say, "Ok, I'll let you go now." Then politely, say, "Bye" and hang up. There is a way to enforce healthy boundaries with people. You have to steer the ship and be in control.

 

Remain "blah." Don't get emotionally invested.

 

Thank you. That's been my plan so far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need your independence.

 

I mean no disrespect but you sound like an entitled teenager right now.

 

Yes you have been diagnosed with bipolar but with proper medication and therapy you are fully capable of holding a job.

 

Your parents are going to be who they are, it sucks, we don’t get to pick out parents. But you’re an adult now and you’re a financial strain on your mother and well honestly your dad isn’t responsible to finance his grown child.

 

I’m not gonna bash the guy based on a few paragraphs, were only getting your side, for all I know your dad could be telling your mom she needs to stop enabling you and your untreated illness is causing you to villainize him.

 

Look at the end of the day you don’t have to be this entwined with your parents as an adult, it’s a choice, the reality is you could get away from them but you chose to give into your diagnosis and you gave up and reverted back to well a teenager.

 

Please consider looking into medication and therapy and getting on your own two feet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My mother disliked and resented me and told me this many times.

 

My "father" bailed on the family and didn't pay child support.

 

I was sexually abused by family members.

 

All of that made my childhood suck. But I sure as heck won't allow it to ruin my adulthood!

 

Yes, I understand you have an illness. Please seek out what treatment works best for you so you can move forward with your life and find a way to be productive. Usually being a contributing, productive member of society increases self esteem and is its own reward.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you can find shared accommodations elsewhere. there are elderly people or other women that are willing to rent a room that would be affordable. You would be feeling better getting yourself out of that environment. Talk to your therapist to see if there are any programs that provide a safe comfortable place to live while you recover.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you have to have your end game in mind and work towards it. And that MUST include cutting out any dependency on ANYBODY ELSE (let alone your parents). This is what happens when you create a dependency on anybody else.

Now I get it, sometimes we just have to be dependent. Granted. But we must also work every livign day with every bit of energy to break free of that dependence at every moment until it's done. And like others said there ARE OPTIONS to choosing to be dependent on your parents - you can choose to be dependent on more healthy people and make more healthy arrangements. YOU CONTROL how you're depndent and to whom. so OWN that and take power over that.

 

Put together an end gagme plan that's do-able and list the steps to how to do it. Then get it done. You have more control and power and options than you realize. DON'T STOP at the easiest and first one you think of and brainstorm it.. then put together the puzzle of the "doable" pieces.

 

good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh just forget it. no one is understanding. right now i am in a TEMPORARY situation. i'll just deal. thanks anyways. - stop calling the mentally ill entitled- sarah

 

Sarah your question was how to get your parents ‘in line’... what’s not being understood?

 

Of course the mentally ill are not entitled, I said, you, Sarah, by expecting your parents to bend to the will of their adult child who is in her late 20’s is entitled. Has nothing to do with your diagnosis but rather your mindset. There are plenty of other able bodied adults who feel entitled to be taken care of well into their adulthood, has nothing to do with disabilities.

 

Your situation being temporary is just even more of a reason you just have to suck it up until you can move out. Your parents are not responsible for changing who they are to accommodate their adult child.

 

I know it sucks, I hope it sucking give you to drive to get back on your feet.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...