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Dating for almost 6 years and not sure if he’s the one


Leigh34
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You don't live together, you're not engaged or married or in a committed relationship so you can still rethink if you're compatible. This isn't just about tattoos and entering a more staid field. It's about major incompatibilities, major conflicts in values, goals and outlooks. The worst part is that you already have family conflict. Perhaps your rebel without a cause days are over so he's suddenly not so appealing to you because the shock value he once had on your parents has worn off?

 

I was thinking this too.

 

I was also thinking it would be very surprising if your boyfriend is not aware that this is a ' ride it out while you can' situation. He knows you, he knows your values, he hasn't met your extended family in 6 years, this relationship hasn't evolved to something more serious in all these years.

 

You are kind of lucky he treated you well, not because of anything but your insecurities are like a big old target on you that leaves you vulnerable to people who don't mind exploiting that.

If you keep this attitude of bending your life based the opinions of status seekers, it could be a tough road for you. If you are seeking non judgemental acceptance, it doesn't make sense to expect that from people whose value systems are built on the exact opposite. But that's for you to figure out yourself.

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Yes, I like this way of looking at it and your story reminds me of a guy I dated many years ago (who did theatrical design work on the side of his more typical day job) -he was short, a bit overweight, thinning hair and not that handsome but I thought he was cute and to me, he "sparkled" -that's the only way I can describe it. I brought him to a work event. Two of my coworkers who were very, very attractive were there and dating. I was friendly with the guy not so much the woman. She saw my boyfriend, stared at me with a definite look of 'why are you with him???" and it made me even happier to be by his side after a momentary cringe from that "look" -I quickly realized it was her issues and how awful it was of her to give me a look like that.

 

I totally agree! The look is like a mixture of shock, pity and disgust. I was much younger so after getting over the fact that someone would even make that look or a comment of “ew what do you see in him?” directly to my face I would start to rationalize. Boy did that feel crummy.

Interestingly, they were mostly the ones that were complaining about their significant others and I was the one secure and happy (at the time lol).

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It seemed to make a difference for me in the way my family and friends viewed my husband when I introduced him to them. When others see by your example how you treat your spouse or your significant other, most people follow suit out of respect or an openness to know more about something they feel they may have misjudged at first. It's a good idea I think to review how you treat him among your family and friends. Sometimes it takes time for others to see other realities and other ways of treating people.

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I totally agree! The look is like a mixture of shock, pity and disgust. I was much younger so after getting over the fact that someone would even make that look or a comment of “ew what do you see in him?” directly to my face I would start to rationalize. Boy did that feel crummy.

Interestingly, they were mostly the ones that were complaining about their significant others and I was the one secure and happy (at the time lol).

 

Yes in my case Miss and Mr. Attractive broke up apparently because she was unattractive on the inside. I also really like the comment of treating your SO with respect and admiration and those who love and care about you will trust that you know who you care about and will treat your SO with respect. In my case my mother typically liked my friends/boyfriends. When she didn't and when she voiced an opinion, she was always right and I thank her for that.

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Away from all noise - do you love him and respect him and adore him?

 

Be bold and start introducing him to people or talking about him without hiding who he is and see how it goes - and see how you react to how it goes. Keeping him so secret for so long might be what is draining on you more than the actual details about his lifestyle and his job. Especially if you are an external processor. You definitely won't be happy staying with somebody that you keep a secret. But he doesn't have to say a secret. That's a false system you've created.

 

My guess - when you talk about him with people they may raise an eyebrow or two but it won't be the disaster you fear. And then the few people who do have a bad reaction? I'm betting you stick up for your boyfriend and your true feelings will come more into focus.

 

Sometimes our worries about society have some merit, but sometimes it's our own society we have created and accepted that is keeping us trapped.

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For those of you asking about what I mean by lifestyle differences. For example. Our hours differ greatly. As a PA I will be at work long hours from 6am-6pm most days of the week. He wakes up late, comes home late and works weekends. Before, I had a job that matched his hours somewhat, so it wasn’t so much of a problem. I always go on trips by myself because either he doesn’t want to, says he can’t afford it, or is working every weekend and can’t take off work. For a long time I was ok with that because we are both pretty independent but now I am starting to value being able to live a good, fulfilling, fun life together. That’s what I mean by lifestyle changes.

 

It’s not just about social standing. As far as the social standing thing, it just gets cumbersome to have to justify my life to others and explain my life to them.

 

And as far as my extended family not knowing about him, that wasn’t my choice. It’s my mother not telling our family. We don’t see our extended family hardly at all so whatever she says to the family she has put it through her own filter. I do care what my family thinks because they are my family and I love them. But I also love my quirky awesome funny guy. It’s just a tough situation that’s all. Thanks for all the feedback.

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For those of you asking about what I mean by lifestyle differences. For example. Our hours differ greatly. As a PA I will be at work long hours from 6am-6pm most days of the week. He wakes up late, comes home late and works weekends. Before, I had a job that matched his hours somewhat, so it wasn’t so much of a problem. I always go on trips by myself because either he doesn’t want to, says he can’t afford it, or is working every weekend and can’t take off work. For a long time I was ok with that because we are both pretty independent but now I am starting to value being able to live a good, fulfilling, fun life together. That’s what I mean by lifestyle changes.

 

It’s not just about social standing. As far as the social standing thing, it just gets cumbersome to have to justify my life to others and explain my life to them.

 

And as far as my extended family not knowing about him, that wasn’t my choice. It’s my mother not telling our family. We don’t see our extended family hardly at all so whatever she says to the family she has put it through her own filter. I do care what my family thinks because they are my family and I love them. But I also love my quirky awesome funny guy. It’s just a tough situation that’s all. Thanks for all the feedback.

 

My husband and I have different work schedules and I am a morning person and he is a night owl. But I'll share this story. We had to meet with our marriage officiant before the wedding -kind of a quick informal "counseling" session. He said to us "I'm not going to ask you two if you love each other. I know you do. But I want to know if you like each other - what do you like to do together?" We responded and I loved that he found that important so I share it with you two.

 

Does your SO actually like to travel -meaning would he be willing to save up so he could travel? Or do you think it's mainly an excuse? Do you want children? If you have children will you keep your current work schedule and if so is your plan to find very early morning care for your child and/or have him stay home in the mornings? If he is not a morning person would he be willing to do so - so as you can see he will have to accommodate your non-traditional working hours too. My father had to work most Saturdays to make ends meet and my mother when she returned to working outside the home only worked Monday-Friday and only typical hours. I mean lots of couples have to do that. My husband travels for work often including at least one weekend day.

 

Your mother can do what she wishes as far as telling the family. Their loss IMO.

 

I would think about this in terms of whether his job/his hours and your job/your hours will be true for the long term (which is why I asked about kids) and consider that many people have non-traditional working hours.

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For those of you asking about what I mean by lifestyle differences. For example. Our hours differ greatly. As a PA I will be at work long hours from 6am-6pm most days of the week. He wakes up late, comes home late and works weekends. Before, I had a job that matched his hours somewhat, so it wasn’t so much of a problem. I always go on trips by myself because either he doesn’t want to, says he can’t afford it, or is working every weekend and can’t take off work. For a long time I was ok with that because we are both pretty independent but now I am starting to value being able to live a good, fulfilling, fun life together. That’s what I mean by lifestyle changes.

 

It’s not just about social standing. As far as the social standing thing, it just gets cumbersome to have to justify my life to others and explain my life to them.

 

And as far as my extended family not knowing about him, that wasn’t my choice. It’s my mother not telling our family. We don’t see our extended family hardly at all so whatever she says to the family she has put it through her own filter. I do care what my family thinks because they are my family and I love them. But I also love my quirky awesome funny guy. It’s just a tough situation that’s all. Thanks for all the feedback.

 

I think the answers will come to you eventually and you'll find your way (both of you). There is no point stressing about it but it is good to ask these questions. I wouldn't take too much offense to the people who laugh or make you feel bad or your mum who doesn't seem to take your relationship seriously. Keep developing yourself and working on your career too. Everything will fall into place.

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you will notice that any negatives you are saying about this man are based on what others think (with a small part of that being how you look to others, which again is putting the power in what others think).... that's a bad way to live man - and it never works out good when you do that.

 

Let's just supposed that you met somebody instead that everybody else in the world approves of... say like a lawyer or celebrity.. but he mistreats you. Is that what you wnat? Somebody everybody else approves of and sees as good for you but then mistreats you? The entire world approved of Bill Cosby for decades as a scholarly father-type figure. Who the F cares now that we know how he TREATS people?

 

The best thing any of us can learn in our lifetimes is to F what other peopel think of us and stop letting that make our decisions or rule our lives. Truly. Who the F cares what they think? if they look down on you? If you love him, he's good to you, and your'e happy outside of how others perceive and make you feel about it - then i think you have a pretty good thing going then.

 

Lastly.. as far as "our lives have to be simlar and compatible" - no thtey don't. It's all about who loves you and woudl do anythign for you and treats you well because they care enough about you to want to see you happy - and you for them. THAT'S what its all about. So if that means you're in the Circus and he's on Wall Street - who FREAKING cares?

 

Good luck.

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