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Should I even bother trying to get my ex girlfriend back?


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A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment, and I'd begun pulling away. I'm terribly scared of being hurt and taken advantage of, and I put a lot of distance between us. Ultimately, I broke it off with her because I did not think I could give her what she reasonably wanted.

 

A month later, I began experiencing feelings that I did not think I would have, and realized I made a mistake. I tried to get her back, but she was not having it. She's very, very hurt and resentful, especially because shortly after I broke it off, she had to move apartments and undergo foot surgery. She says that she is still ridiculously in love with me, but unsure if she can ever trust me again. I've owned up to all my mistakes and told her I was ready to commit, but she's still very skittish and evasive. We did spend the night together a few weeks ago and seemed to reconcile, but she called it off the next day.

 

I want to fix this very badly, but I don't think I can. She insists that she still loves me and thinks about me constantly, but she's not reaching out very often and I'm beginning to wonder if there is someone else. She has a tinder account, and I've asked her about that, but she says she only uses it to feel attractive and get a little attention. I'm not sure if I believe her. Even if there is someone else, I don't know why she'd lie about it, and truly, I'd understand why she'd be interested in other men after my aloof, sometimes cold demeanor toward her.

 

I've been an absolute wreck about this, and the emotions are sometimes overwhelming. I don't really know what my next move should be. I don't know if I should maintain limited contact and feel it out, go all in and try to reconcile (which hasn't worked so far), or disappear completely.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it doesn't look good for you because you acted like a real snake and she knows it. She must have already cried to all her friends and family who rightfully advised her to steer clear of you. Give her space. Don't crawl back because you're horny or lonely only to dump her again.

A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment. She's very, very hurt and resentful, especially because shortly after I broke it off, she had to move apartments and undergo foot surgery
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No this has nothing to do with someone else. You have commitment issues and hurt her deeply, she's keeping away for her own mental health

Occasionally her feelings for you has her slip up but keep in mind that's just her heart. She knows she can never depend on you again.

 

If you love her you'll leave her alone for good and let her heal.

If you don't, that's just you being selfish.

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The rejection is fresh and suddenly deciding you want her back feels disingenuous. No, there wasn't anyone else during your relationship. If she is seeing someone now they aren't "Someone else" - they are the only someone because you dumped her. But i doubt if she is going on dates. I suggest that you don't date for awhile. if you don't want to commit, then be single - don't find someone new or only go for plus ones or occasional dates.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it doesn't look good for you because you acted like a real snake and she knows it. She must have already cried to all her friends and family who rightfully advised her to steer clear of you. Give her space. Don't crawl back because you're horny or lonely only to dump her again.

 

I did act like a snake, and I"m sure you're right that her support network has advised her to move on. I'm not crawling back because I'm horny or lonely. I made a mistake and having lost her realized that I wanted to commit. It's been truly devastating to not have her in my life and I don't know if I can ever make this right. That might sound insincere or impulsive, but I've never felt this way after a break up, not even after an emotionally crushing divorce. I feel pretty helpless in the face of it.

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No this has nothing to do with someone else. You have commitment issues and hurt her deeply, she's keeping away for her own mental health

Occasionally her feelings for you has her slip up but keep in mind that's just her heart. She knows she can never depend on you again.

 

If you love her you'll leave her alone for good and let her heal.

If you don't, that's just you being selfish.

 

I do wonder if I'm just being selfish, but I think her feelings for me are genuine, and mine absolutely are. I've made it clear that I'm willing to do the work necessary to mend the relationship if it's possible.

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It's not nice to treat people this way. You can't just break up and decide you changed your mind and expect to just step back in AND expect her to be just fine with being bounced around like a ping pong ball. She is a person with feelings, not some item you can pick up and discard at your own whim.

 

If she never takes you back I hope you learn to treat the people you claim to love better. And if she by some miracle does agree to take you back I hope you have learned to treat her like a human who deserves caring and respect.

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It's not nice to treat people this way. You can't just break up and decide you changed your mind and expect to just step back in AND expect her to be just fine with being bounced around like a ping pong ball. She is a person with feelings, not some item you can pick up and discard at your own whim.

 

If she never takes you back I hope you learn to treat the people you claim to love better. And if she by some miracle does agree to take you back I hope you have learned to treat her like a human who deserves caring and respect.

 

I know I treated her terribly. I didn't think I could give her what she wanted. I know she deserved much better than this, but I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do. It seems very, very disingenuous and I don't blame her at all for being extremely wary. I have awful commitment issues but I think i needed to be without her to get past them. I don't for a second think I can just walk back into the boyfriend role like nothing happened.

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I know you're remorseful and wish to make amends with your ex-girlfriend, however, that's not how life works. Once people have been hurt, usually and generally, they don't wish to experience pain again so they keep moving forward, not backwards. In other words, they won't take you back into their lives anymore because they don't want to risk another heartbreak.

 

Sure, she'll eventually forgive you but she'll never forget. No one ever forgets anything. We're like owls and remember everything.

 

Not that you're a liar but it's the same as the way liars are treated. You can't trust them anymore. Trust is dead. Or, if someone is deceitful or betrays another person. Or, if someone said awful comments during a heated, emotional fight. Those words cannot be taken back. It's over after that. Really over. Done. This is human nature so get used to it. It's universal.

 

Even if you were to crawl back on your hands and knees begging and pleading for a second chance, usually the answer is: "NO."

 

All you can do is learn from this bad experience. In the future, know that your final answer to a person is just that: Final. They will hold you to your original word and there's no going back. Groveling doesn't work.

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You answered your question in your header with the last sentence in post #1. It's over and it hasn't worked (reconciling). Don't stay stuck in this loop of a broken record. Try not to be afraid of growth and learn to forgive yourself for your regrets, missed opportunities and learn to look forward to the future.

 

Why were you so afraid in the first place? Did she do anything to you or did both of you have a rough start? I think after two years for a woman not to realize that you're that anxious or skittish around commitment and continue to hint at marriage is a bit self-absorbed at best and selfish at worst. I find it hard to believe she was that clueless or innocent. Remember it takes two in a relationship. While the self-flagellation appears noble, I don't think it's realistic. It didn't work out between the both of you. Stop beating yourself up about it.

 

Also, have you learned new ways of dealing with your fear or anxiety in new situations/new relationships? It may also be a good idea to try and learn how to improve communications with others and not be afraid of vocalizing or establishing boundaries with your partner for future relationships.

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Look into avoidant attachment styles.

 

Also, give her space. You've made yourself clear to her about how you feel and that you regret the decision. You've also advised her you'll do whatever it takes.

The rest is down to her now.

I suggest you give her the space she is asking for. That means don't text and call her. Only let her reach out to you when she's ready.

If she doesn't, then you'll have to accept that.

If he comes back, then you can take it from there. JUST DO NOT CHASE HER or she will run further.

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A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment, and I'd begun pulling away. I'm terribly scared of being hurt and taken advantage of, and I put a lot of distance between us. Ultimately, I broke it off with her because I did not think I could give her what she reasonably wanted.

 

A month later, I began experiencing feelings that I did not think I would have, and realized I made a mistake.

 

I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions and answer them truthfully and honestly (to yourself).

 

So she had been hinting at commitment, you didn't think you could give that to her so pulled away and ended the relationship.

 

Now, after breaking up you've suddenly and miraculously realized you do have feelings for her, and want her back.

 

So the question is, what made you suddenly realize you DO have feelings and that you could give her that commitment she wanted?

 

What brought you to this conclusion?

 

What I am getting at is your thinking is the thinking of a bona fide commitment phobe, and I think you need to explore that within yourself honestly and truthfully because nothing you've said is making any sense.

 

On one hand you said you're afraid of getting hurt, on the other you acknowledge you didn't have feelings but after breaking up now you do??

 

This is so typical and again I ask what brought you to the conclusion that you are now emotionally prepared and ready to give her that commitment she wants? Serious question, I'd really like to know.

 

What work have you done to resolve your issues? Again, you said you are afraid of getting hurt, so are you now suddenly NOT afraid of getting hurt?

 

If I had to venture I guess, I don't think you've done any work, what's happening is you broke up and thus you miss her attention and are now in a state of "longing" for her.

 

Which is quite different from love as love is caring and nurturing of what you DO have (which you failed to do while with her) and longing is craving what you DON'T have (which is now what you're doing).

 

I guarantee you once you get back together (assuming she even wants that) the same feelings you had before will resurface after which lather, rinse repeat, and thus begins the never ending cycle of a toxic off/on relationship due to your commitment issues.

 

My advice? Leave her alone and take the necessary time to work on your issues so you don't repeat patterns that are hurtful to your partner and toxic.

Edited by katrina1980
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I had someone I was dating do this to me. He wasn't `feeling it' and we ended it. 6 months later he's full tilt in love and wants to marry me? Imagine my confusion. Probably similar to the posters.

 

`so, in my absence you've developed feelings for me?' Scratching my head.

It's impossible to trust that.

 

We ultimately stayed together after for over a year after some bumpy weeks, sorting things out. It didn't last for different reasons.

 

My take away - things that don't start well, don't end well.

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`so, in my absence you've developed feelings for me?' Scratching my head.

It's impossible to trust that.

 

Actually, this seems to be how it works for men. They tend to prefer what is out of reach. I think women are the opposite. We fall in love the longer we know someone. And out of sight, out of mind.

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So, here is your only option. Move on, admit to yourself you treated her poorly. Learn about yourself. If she comes back at all, reflect on your actions and commit to never doing that again. But...if not. Think of this. The way you felt then was after the relationship was no longer new. You could be there again, wishing you weren't. You miss her now. Maybe it's time to reflect, move on, and improve with someone new. This loneliness will subside. Maybe the next one will be your better option.

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