get away right?

[Purdy]

The marriage can be "saved" IF and only IF the BOTH of you want to save it.

 

You're hoping one kiss and watching TV together for 2 hours means he wants to stay together.

 

But did he say he wants to stay together?

 

we talked at length about divorcing. i asked him a few times what he wanted, even setting it up by saying "if this is what you really want, we can split everything up like we talked about and i'll give you a divorce per your wishes". at first he was like "ok" and started talking about dates we could meet w/ lawyers, then he lost emotional control and started crying and saying how he just wanted to be happy.

 

i didn't know what to do so i just held him in my arms as he cried. he then proceeded to kiss me (again) but this time passionately. then he said he really didn't want divorce but needed some space. i then asked again, if he wanted me to move out and get legal matters in order so we could do a "true" separation but he said he didn't want that because if we decided to stay together he'd want me with him. im not sure if he just doesn't want me to leave the home so he can keep an eye on me or not, like if i start dating or something.

 

but anyway, i gave him an OUT, TWICE! and he didn't commit to either out.

[boltnrun]

we talked at length about divorcing. i asked him a few times what he wanted, even setting it up by saying "if this is what you really want, we can split everything up like we talked about and i'll give you a divorce per your wishes". at first he was like "ok" and started talking about dates we could meet w/ lawyers, then he lost emotional control and started crying and saying how he just wanted to be happy.

 

i didn't know what to do so i just held him in my arms as he cried. he then proceeded to kiss me (again) but this time passionately. then he said he really didn't want divorce but needed some space. i then asked again, if he wanted me to move out and get legal matters in order so we could do a "true" separation but he said he didn't want that because if we decided to stay together he'd want me with him. im not sure if he just doesn't want me to leave the home so he can keep an eye on me or not, like if i start dating or something.

 

but anyway, i gave him an OUT, TWICE! and he didn't commit to either out.

 

When did this conversation take place?

[Wiseman2]

He wants to be happy without you with the other woman. That's what the tears are about. If he were worried about you dating he would not be out with his mistress and begging for divorce.

i'll give you a divorce per your wishes".

[Purdy]

part of me feels he is torn/confused about what he wants and then another part of me feels like he knows it's over for him and is having a hard time letting me go.

 

still, we made love after that recent conversation and didn't use protection. not one of my brightest ideas but how can i deny myself and him that connection? we both have always agreed our sex life is amazing and it brings us together. he initiated it and of course i'm going to go along with it because he's my husband and i love him.

 

i am having him stay in our guest room now, because i'm trying to be strong but it's very difficult. he came home at a decent hour last night and we had some small talk, that was about it.

[Purdy]

When did this conversation take place?

 

after i came home this weekend. i brought it up after i got some courage from staying with my friend for the night. i told him we needed to talk and although, he seemed annoyed he talked to me for 2hrs at least.

[Purdy]

He wants to be happy without you with the other woman. That's what the tears are about. If he were worried about you dating he would not be out with his mistress and begging for divorce.

 

i dont know if he is cheating or not. sure it's a possibility but i have no proof and really cannot jump to that conclusion without facts. i'm not saying it isn't happening but until i know for sure, i can't accuse him of it.

[Wiseman2]

Are you hoping a surprise pregnancy will tie him down to you? Have you considered that you may benefit from therapy to improve communication skills, clarity and effective assertiveness? This includes the use of bizarre gender gymnastics, the backhanded and passive-aggressive approaches to avert divorce and generally using all sorts of strange devices to avoid truth, honesty and reality?

we made love after that recent conversation and didn't use protection.

[Purdy]

Are you hoping a surprise pregnancy will tie him down to you? Have you considered that you may benefit from therapy to improve communication skills, clarity and effective assertiveness? This includes the use of bizarre gender gymnastics, the backhanded and passive-aggressive approaches to avert divorce and generally using all sorts of strange devices to avoid truth, honesty and reality?

 

it's harsh that you'd even say something like a "surprise pregnancy" as you don't know my circumstances with fertility. nor would i ever try to tie a man down even if i was able to get pregnant.

 

as i've stated before, i didn't see the point of revealing my gender because the situation is the same no matter the gender. i also was trying to avoid having biased opinions from others based on my gender.

 

i don't think i'm passive-aggressive at all when it comes to this challenge in my life. i'm dealing with it as anyone would, in pain and trying my best to sort through whats happening in my own time.

 

it's very hard to leave someone you love, especially when the last time you spoke with them, they expressed they didn't want a divorce.

[boltnrun]

Since he says he doesn't want a divorce, did he agree to stop with the late night/overnight outings? Did he agree to put focus on you and your marriage and stop acting single?

[Purdy]

Since he says he doesn't want a divorce, did he agree to stop with the late night/overnight outings? Did he agree to put focus on you and your marriage and stop acting single?

 

we talked about some specifics but not the late night/overnight outings. we just agreed on having "space" for now. to be honest though, this last week of "space" has been very difficult for me having to live with him and watching him come and go. he also still throws mixed signals in there on occasion. for instance, one day he came home and requested to "hold me" while he slept so essentially we snuggled while he took a nap but then that was it. he's still sleeping in the guest room of our home, not wearing his wedding ring, and came home at 2am one night.

 

i can't keep living like this and waiting for him to make a decision. i've decided to stay with a friend while we are separated or taking some space. it's too painful to see him come and go like he does and also have opportunities to request comfort from me when he needs it. i think i'm going to stay with a friend while he's going through whatever it is he is going through. i just need to get out of the house for my own mental sanity.

 

i've decided to pack some clothes for a few days and stay with a friend. i'll come back to the house to change out clothes every now and then. i just dont see the point of being there in our home anymore, living in limbo.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you've decided to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions because you can't survive alone. It's not limbo. It's a stand off. He wants a divorce but you don't. Ultimately he'll divorce you whether you want it or not.

[Purdy]

It sounds like you've decided to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions because you can't survive alone. It's not limbo. It's a stand off. He wants a divorce but you don't. Ultimately he'll divorce you whether you want it or not.

 

i'm not turning a blind eye. i'm creating separation. he will know where to find me if he wants to work on this marriage or if he wants to go through the motions of divorce. i'm not going to fight him on a divorce. will it be painful? absolutely. will i be sad to live without him in my life? without a doubt. but i'm not going to live in limbo forever.

 

i'm staying with a friend to get away from him and think on my own two feet without him in the picture. i've talked to another attorney today and i'm free to stay with a friend as we have to be separated for some months before we can file anyway. so that's that. i'm done being at home waiting on him to make up his mind. i love him with all my heart, but this isn't love what he's doing and i'm ready to be without him if that's what has to happen.

[boltnrun]

Are you leaving because you don't have the willpower to say "no" when he asks for sex or to "cuddle"?

[Wiseman2]

He will continue his indiscretions and now that he sees you are fine with it, in fact condone it by leaving the house so he has all the freedom he needs, he may not file. He may just keep you around like a cook/housekeeper while his mistress is lobed and treated will. It may be cheaper an more convenient for him. And since you don't want a divorce, he's got it made. You installed as a housekeeper and his lover and no expensive divorce. Perhaps you can rent a room somewhere so his lover can move in?

i'm not going to live in limbo forever.

 

i'm staying with a friend to get away from him and think on my own two feet without him in the picture. i've talked to another attorney today and i'm free to stay with a friend as we have to be separated for some months before we can file anyway. so that's that. i'm done being at home waiting on him to make up his mind. i love him with all my heart, but this isn't love what he's doing and i'm ready to be without him if that's what has to happen.

[Purdy]

Are you leaving because you don't have the willpower to say "no" when he asks for sex or to "cuddle"?

 

Nope, leaving because I want my space from him and since he won't leave, I did. I can't live with someone who treats me the way he does. I'd rather live out of a suitcase than sleep another night in our home.

 

He will continue his indiscretions and now that he sees you are fine with it, in fact condone it by leaving the house so he has all the freedom he needs, he may not file. He may just keep you around like a cook/housekeeper while his mistress is lobed and treated will. It may be cheaper an more convenient for him. And since you don't want a divorce, he's got it made. You installed as a housekeeper and his lover and no expensive divorce. Perhaps you can rent a room somewhere so his lover can move in?

 

Wiseman2, i read your posts and this one especially seems a bit hostile. Not sure what's up with the condescending nature of your last sentence even. I'm sure you're a nice guy but some of the things you write I'm like "whoa this guy".

 

So I'll say again, I have no proof he's cheating or has a mistress. Also, I'm clearly not fine with his behavior as I've left our home. Lastly, I don't care whether he files or not because after the time has elapsed for our separation, I'll file. I've been strong in calling attorney's, reviewing my rights, finding another place to stay, and taking care of myself. I do apologize that you see these things differently, but I'm proud of myself and I'm going to be ok.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Purdy,

 

I read your inital post early on, and considering contributing but wasn't sure I had anything valuable to add at that stage. I continued to follow it from time to time. Viewing it in totality, and with no investment in some position I have taken, it seems to me you have genuinely done the work, moved forward from your initial confused and desperate place and, at the very least, started to rediscover your own sense of worth. You are taking practical steps based on your hard work and are on your way to a better place. I agree, you have been strong. Please, keep your head held high and move forward. I think you have every right to feel proud and you are going to be ok.

 

T

[Purdy]

Hey Purdy,

I agree, you have been strong. Please, keep your head held high and move forward. I think you have every right to feel proud and you are going to be ok.

 

thank you for your thoughts and kind words Waywardkiwi, it is very special to me in this difficult time. feels like my life is upside down right now, but i remind myself this wasn't my choice. i can honestly say i really tried to love him through his worst but i just can't do it anymore. all the hurtful things he's done and said, if his goal was to push me away... it worked. i don't want to spend years or months chasing a marriage he doesn't want. i have to let him go.