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I'm sorry OP, but it's time to stop crying and running away and start fighting for yourself and your well being. Your husband is already way ahead of you and I'm afraid that things might get very ugly for you if you keep dragging your feet, sitting here debating whether or not to go to a friend's house. He can easily use that against you and serve you while you are there and then you get to argue whether or not you abandoned the marriage. Like it or not, you are already at war so to speak. You didn't ask for it, but now you have to fight.

 

Remove your rose colored goggles. I doubt that it's his "friends" he is so keen on seeing or certainly not for their benefit that he removes his wedding ring. While he is gone and coming home late, start digging and looking who he is actually with. Check cell phone records, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Talk to a couple of other top notch lawyers in your area. Hire a PI. Find out the truth, because that will force you to take him off the pedestal and see him for the nasty lying loser that he actually is. Stop hiding from the truth, because truth will actually set you free. He is not some teenage boy sowing wilds oats, he is a grown man who knows exactly what he is doing and he doesn't care in the least how much he is hurting you. He does what pleases him. End of. This isn't even about you at all, it's all about himself.

 

i haven't ran away anywhere, and when i go to my friends home to stay it's still not running. it's getting a break from him. running would be moving out which i can't do.

 

he can't serve me that quickly, based on the laws of where we live.

 

yes, it is all about himself. otherwise we wouldn't be in this mess. at this point i don't want to know if he's having an affair. does it really matter? he wants it over so that's all i need to know. i don't think my body can take losing anymore weight, which is what would happen if i knew about an affair.

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"nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate".

 

She's not having sex with him and I don't know what there is to fight about any more.

 

Seeing her partner doesn't come home, I don't think that going to friends house to get a break from the drama is considered licking her wounds.

 

They've discussed an equitable arrangement about the division of the home that was mutually agreed on.

 

I personally don't see the point in standing in the middle of an empty home trying to debate something with someone who has long since checked out.

 

thanks reinventmyself.

 

this is my same rationale and why i choose to try and seek out a place to stay.

 

i can't be in that sad house anymore and seeing him come and go. i just want some space. i haven't had any as of yet. i mean sure i'm home alone most of the time but he can show up any minute which leaves me vulnerable. i just want to have a safe space where i can relax and know he's not coming through the door.

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"nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate".

 

She's not having sex with him and I don't know what there is to fight about any more.

 

Seeing her partner doesn't come home, I don't think that going to friends house to get a break from the drama is considered licking her wounds.

 

They've discussed an equitable arrangement about the division of the home that was mutually agreed on.

 

I personally don't see the point in standing in the middle of an empty home trying to debate something with someone who has long since checked out.

 

Reinvent, please pay closer attention to the OPers ever changing story before responding to me...

 

She claims she has to leave because he’s confusing her and that she has to pretend to be asleep so he doesn’t ask for sex, whether or not she gives in is irrelevant, she cowers and hides instead of telling him NO. Like I said she has every right to tell him no. Not sure why you’re attempting to correct me on her words but I digress.

 

Seeing as her partner doesn’t come home ( which is it he comes home and attempts to have sex or she’s seen him for 5 minutes in the past few weeks, both can’t be true) going to her friends house without any plan is indeed running away and licking her wounds, going to her friends house does nothing but gives him the opportunity to say ‘she abandoned the marriage’.

 

Its avoiding reality, he wants a divorce... as you see in my response I stated she has every right to discuss temporary change in living arrangements. She states her lawyer said the same... my response is not about anything but her being a grown woman and facing her husband. Leave stay fly to mars, she still needs to face him and talk.

 

This apocalyptic, ‘if I see him I’ll collapse on the floor’ mindset is not one to feed, it’s counter productive, it’s unavoidable at first so be sad, be heartbroken, it’s natural, divorce is painful, one of the most painful things I’ve been through, but at the same time she is not an infant, she has to talk to him, tell him what her plans are lay everything out and ask him if he wants a divorce and if he does begin the process.

 

OPer go be in a safe space, go be with loved ones, you still need to face this.

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She claims she has to leave because he’s confusing her and that she has to pretend to be asleep so he doesn’t ask for sex, whether or not she gives in is irrelevant, she cowers and hides instead of telling him NO. Like I said she has every right to tell him no. Not sure why you’re attempting to correct me on her words but I digress.

 

Seeing as her partner doesn’t come home ( which is it he comes home and attempts to have sex or she’s seen him for 5 minutes in the past few weeks, both can’t be true) going to her friends house without any plan is indeed running away and licking her wounds, going to her friends house does nothing but gives him the opportunity to say ‘she abandoned the marriage’.

 

Its avoiding reality, he wants a divorce... as you see in my response I stated she has every right to discuss temporary change in living arrangements. She states her lawyer said the same... my response is not about anything but her being a grown woman and facing her husband. Leave stay fly to mars, she still needs to face him and talk.

 

This apocalyptic, ‘if I see him I’ll collapse on the floor’ mindset is not one to feed, it’s counter productive, it’s unavoidable at first so be sad, be heartbroken, it’s natural, divorce is painful, one of the most painful things I’ve been through, but at the same time she is not an infant, she has to talk to him, tell him what her plans are lay everything out and ask him if he wants a divorce and if he does begin the process.

 

OPer go be in a safe space, go be with loved ones, you still need to face this.

 

figureitout23, you have not read all my posts so i will address what you are saying...

I have not done what you are accusing me of. Yes, there have been times I pretend to be asleep but as I stated below, I have used words as well.

nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate. i'm not mean about it, i just say it's not a good time for us right now.

 

Also, yes i'm home alone most of the time. but as i've addressed in previous posts (see below) we do still see each other for a few minutes a day. And it's not like him and i haven't talked about divorcing steps and what follows, we have. but neither of us have actually gone thru with anything. he just comes and goes from the home, still sleeps in the same bed as me. he hasn't come to me with names of attorneys to discuss mediation/divorce etc and nor have i because obviously i don't want to divorce. i love my husband as weak as that makes me look. i love him and i'm wanting to get some space so i can get some strength back to face this. hope i'm making sense.

 

as they got up early and left. but before they left, they kissed me on the cheek and hugged me goodbye. it was very confusing.

 

it's crazy that in the mornings i get up to brush my teeth and get ready for work and my spouse says "good morning" all happy like in the shower and asks how i slept and then hugs and kisses me goodbye. just last night at like 3am they tried to initiate sex with me!!?!?! what is going on?! i need to get out of there.

 

fair questions. . .

 

i asked my spouse if they wanted a divorce because they wanted to find someone else, and they responded with "yea i'd like to see if there is someone out there for me. but i don't want anything serious right away." my spouses main reason they have told me for wanting a divorce is that they are not "in-love" with me anymore but they always clarify that they still love me. i did ask if they were having an affair but they declined and said they just wanted to be by themselves.

 

the only time i've seen my spouse in the house (the last 2weeks) is in the morning and it's for maybe 2mins at most. that's when the pet names and kisses, hugs happen from them NOT me as i don't initiate them. i just go about my business to get ready for work. the last conversation i tried to have about our marriage was 2wks ago but they seemed annoyed to talk about "us" and kept pressing the divorce stuff. that's when they removed their wedding ring and it's been on the table since (insert me crying here).

 

 

 

 

i don't want a divorce because i love my spouse, and i knew marriage was going to be work. that you just don't quit, you work through your problems. i think two people can get through anything, if they do the work. i meant my vows, i really truly meant till death do us part. i'm not worried about my finances with divorce, i would be ok. i have a great job, education and i would leave the divorce debt free as my spouse has already agreed that they wouldn't stick me with their debts as I do not have any.

 

my spouse has talked about us going to do mediation to discuss splitting things up, even going so far to say that the would help me get restarted in life so i wouldn't struggle. but i really wouldn't struggle and they know that. i can very much take care of myself, i was taking care of myself long before they were in the picture, it was something that was important for me to do before getting married.

 

their main reasoning seems to be "i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you, be in-love again" feels like a grass-is-greener syndrome if you ask me but i don't fight them on it. again i'm not going to beg and plead. i've explained this to them that i won't do any of those things but i don't want us to divorce because i know we could get through this if we both tried.

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i'm wondering if he hasn't done any actual steps as of yet, is because he wants to try separation first? i remember he did say something along those lines a few weeks ago. could this be why he's still kissing me goodbye and using pet names still? maybe he's unsure of what he wants?

 

also an update, we watched about 2hrs of TV last night together (he asked me to join him). his interaction with me was like nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary. it's so confusing...my heart is breaking and he's living in this normal world it seems.

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It sounds like you're willing to turn a blind eye to cheating and verbal abuse to desperately hang on at any cost. You want to sleep together, you look for any crumb of attention and are talking yourself into whatever you want to believe. Which is he's bluffing again about divorce and he still loves me and everything will be wonderful again. That's fine.

 

But then don't run away and camp out at friends because you're afraid to be home alone when he's out having affairs or trying to get away from you or when you nag and argue and he again tells you "shut up I want a divorce, hell, I'll even help you move out". You seem ok with this because it's less horrifying to you than being alone.

 

Still don't understand the gender gymnastics, since the advice is the same either way. Are you usually this deliberately vague, misleading, manipulative and uncommunicative?

i'm wondering if he hasn't done any actual steps as of yet, is because he wants to try separation first? i remember he did say something along those lines a few weeks ago. could this be why he's still kissing me goodbye and using pet names still? maybe he's unsure of what he wants?

 

also an update, we watched about 2hrs of TV last night together (he asked me to join him). his interaction with me was like nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary. it's so confusing...my heart is breaking and he's living in this normal world it seems.

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It sounds like you're willing to turn a blind eye to cheating and verbal abuse to desperately hang on at any cost. You want to sleep together, you look for any crumb of attention and are talking yourself into whatever you want to believe. Which is he's bluffing again about divorce and he still loves me and everything will be wonderful again. That's fine.

 

But then don't run away and camp out at friends because you're afraid to be home alone when he's out having affairs or trying to get away from you or when you nag and argue and he again tells you "shut up I want a divorce, hell, I'll even help you move out". You seem ok with this because it's less horrifying to you than being alone.

 

i guess i need to hear this, you're right about these things but i'm not afraid to be alone. i'm afraid to lose my husband because i still love him. i know that's so stupid, i've already lost him. it's painful

 

 

Still don't understand the gender gymnastics, since the advice is the same either way. Are you usually this deliberately vague, misleading, manipulative and uncommunicative?

 

i'm not sure what you're getting at here? these are some harsh words towards someone you don't know and is going through a rough time.

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He may have seen an attorney and was told it's "cheaper to keep her".

 

My friend's cheating husband did that. He was having one affair after another and even moved to another state so he didn't have to spend time with her or their child. She had access to a lot of his info (saved to the cloud) and she saw he had seen an attorney. He had been telling friends he was excited because he would soon be "free". But after the attorney visit he suddenly wanted to come home and was playing nice. The attorney had told him (apparently) how much a divorce and subsequent spousal support and child support would cost him. So he chose to stay in the marriage and just keep having affairs.

 

So, my friend divorced HIM. She finally found her missing backbone and realized that just because SHE loved HIM, that wouldn't make him want to be a decent husband to her.

 

Your love for him isn't enough to stop him from straying and staying out until all hours. He's throwing you just enough crumbs to keep you from filing for divorce so HE can do whatever he wants on his terms. I mean look, watching TV together for 2 hours has given you hope! Sadly, it's not because he wants to stay and work on improving the marriage. He's already proved that.

 

Can you find the strength to divorce him? Or does 30-40 more years of living like you are now sound appealing?

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figureitout23, you have not read all my posts so i will address what you are saying...

I have not done what you are accusing me of. Yes, there have been times I pretend to be asleep but as I stated below, I have used words as well.

 

 

Also, yes i'm home alone most of the time. but as i've addressed in previous posts (see below) we do still see each other for a few minutes a day. And it's not like him and i haven't talked about divorcing steps and what follows, we have. but neither of us have actually gone thru with anything. he just comes and goes from the home, still sleeps in the same bed as me. he hasn't come to me with names of attorneys to discuss mediation/divorce etc and nor have i because obviously i don't want to divorce. i love my husband as weak as that makes me look. i love him and i'm wanting to get some space so i can get some strength back to face this. hope i'm making sense.

 

Purdy I’m sorry, again it can’t be both.

 

You see each other 5 minutes at a time.... you tell him no when he asks for sex.... or you pretend to be asleep.

 

YOU made all three statements, not me.

 

I did and currently now even more thing you’re exaggerating these circumstances. Not necessarily purposefully but because you’re in pain so it’s how you are viewing things through your lens. what I imagine is actually happening is he’s checked out and barely engages with you anymore and that’s painful, he’s probably asked for sex a few times in the beginning of this whole thing, which is why it was brought up, I think the whole ‘I pretend to be asleep’ thing was well dramatics you added because people were telling you, your situation wasn’t as dire as you seem to feel it is. I’m sure you have pretended to be asleep to avoid the pain of interacting with him, but again it’s not nearly as dramatic as you are viewing it.

 

You wanting to retreat to your friends house has always made perfect sense to me Purdy... as another human being I get why you’re doing it, what I’m saying is during this time don’t give into your emotions so much that they are leading you to make decisions, stop hiding and face him. You two haven’t discussed any of this yet so why are you running? Discuss all this and then stay with the friend and come up with a game plan, I personally think your actions right now are to get a reaction

 

Case in point your latest update:

 

i'm wondering if he hasn't done any actual steps as of yet, is because he wants to try separation first? i remember he did say something along those lines a few weeks ago. could this be why he's still kissing me goodbye and using pet names still? maybe he's unsure of what he wants?

 

also an update, we watched about 2hrs of TV last night together (he asked me to join him). his interaction with me was like nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary. it's so confusing...my heart is breaking and he's living in this normal world it seems.

 

I’m not even going to respond to the latest because wiseman nailed it:

 

It sounds like you're willing to turn a blind eye to cheating and verbal abuse to desperately hang on at any cost. You want to sleep together, you look for any crumb of attention and are talking yourself into whatever you want to believe. Which is he's bluffing again about divorce and he still loves me and everything will be wonderful again. That's fine.

 

But then don't run away and camp out at friends because you're afraid to be home alone when he's out having affairs or trying to get away from you or when you nag and argue and he again tells you "shut up I want a divorce, hell, I'll even help you move out". You seem ok with this because it's less horrifying to you than being alone.

 

Still don't understand the gender gymnastics, since the advice is the same either way. Are you usually this deliberately vague, misleading, manipulative and uncommunicative?

 

This was always about getting a reaction out of him, always.

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He may have seen an attorney and was told it's "cheaper to keep her".

 

Can you find the strength to divorce him? Or does 30-40 more years of living like you are now sound appealing?

 

we talked about him talking to an attorney and what would happen should the divorce go through. he understands that things would need to be split based on the law. in fact, it was something we talked about in depth this weekend.

 

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this let alone another 30-40yrs but divorce is such a tragic process. i'm going to need more time to process it all. i know i sound weak to all of you, but it's very hard letting go of someone you love. it takes me time to digest things, it's just in my nature. especially something of this magnitude.

 

i ended up only staying one night with my friend only to return home the following day at lunch time. i got some strength back and was able to sit down and have a conversation about "us" even though i could feel his resistance. it was very difficult but i did it. heard things i didn't want to hear, and even got somewhat a glimmer of hope but here i am today back in the same place. a broken heart and processing this upcoming devastating event in my life.

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I did and currently now even more thing you’re exaggerating these circumstances.

 

This was always about getting a reaction out of him, always.

 

figureitout23, i'm sorry you don't believe me but the circumstances are true as i've told them. i know it doesn't make sense to you but what i say has happened is true. i don't want to keep going back and forth over it as it's not the point of my thread. i don't want to argue.

 

also, me going to a friends home was not about getting a reaction out of him. it WAS to get away and get some strength back which is what happened for the one night i was gone. when i returned home i was able to have the difficult conversation with him. sadly i'm still just as confused as before and heartbroken. i didn't really get any definite answers to where our marriage will end up.

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we talked about him talking to an attorney and what would happen should the divorce go through. he understands that things would need to be split based on the law. in fact, it was something we talked about in depth this weekend.

 

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this let alone another 30-40yrs but divorce is such a tragic process. i'm going to need more time to process it all. i know i sound weak to all of you, but it's very hard letting go of someone you love. it takes me time to digest things, it's just in my nature. especially something of this magnitude.

 

i ended up only staying one night with my friend only to return home the following day at lunch time. i got some strength back and was able to sit down and have a conversation about "us" even though i could feel his resistance. it was very difficult but i did it. heard things i didn't want to hear, and even got somewhat a glimmer of hope but here i am today back in the same place. a broken heart and processing this upcoming devastating event in my life.

 

Sometimes you have to go into crisis mode. Just until you get the logistics and legalities worked out. Then you can take some time to mourn.

 

Survival mode.

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Sometimes you have to go into crisis mode. Just until you get the logistics and legalities worked out. Then you can take some time to mourn.

 

Survival mode.

 

this is fair, i just don't want to rush into something like this only to have regrets later. divorce regret is a real thing and it terrifies me. he hasn't done anything as of yet, other than speak to an attorney (as have i). i know i'm just wasting more time only for the inevitable to happen but i don't want to be the one to end our marriage. it's not what i want.

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we talked about him talking to an attorney

 

Unless you have an amicable divorce, you would need to have an attorney of your own.

His attorney will represent him and his best interests. If you two do decision choose to use one, you are to go to the attorney appt's as well.

Do not leave this up to him.

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this is fair, i just don't want to rush into something like this only to have regrets later. divorce regret is a real thing and it terrifies me. he hasn't done anything as of yet, other than speak to an attorney (as have i). i know i'm just wasting more time only for the inevitable to happen but i don't want to be the one to end our marriage. it's not what i want.

 

So your plan is to stick around until he decides to serve you with divorce papers?

 

Can you live like this for possibly several more years?

 

What would he have to do for you to decide to divorce HIM?

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Unless you have an amicable divorce, you would need to have an attorney of your own.

His attorney will represent him and his best interests. If you two do decision choose to use one, you are to go to the attorney appt's as well.

Do not leave this up to him.

 

we discussed it would be amicable. he wanted to know what i would want and i expressed it, to which he said wouldn't be a problem. so no attorney's should be needed unless he goes back on his word which i understand could happen.

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So your plan is to stick around until he decides to serve you with divorce papers?

 

Can you live like this for possibly several more years?

 

What would he have to do for you to decide to divorce HIM?

 

where we live you can't just serve your spouse, there has to be a separation first to which we both would want this all ironed out before the separation so there are no surprises for either of us.

 

no, the thought of living like this any longer gives me such anxiety.

 

i'm not sure. but the obvious one is tell me there is someone else and he's not coming back to me.

 

i did ask him this weekend if he wanted me to move out and just leave him alone but he declined and said that's not what he wanted and put both his hands on my face and kissed me. you can see why i'm confused even more now. i did have him move to the guest room. i didn't want him to deep down but i know i have to start taking steps and try to be strong

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both his hands on my face and kissed me. you can see why i'm confused even more now. i did have him move to the guest room. i didn't want him to deep down but i know i have to start taking steps and try to be strong

 

It's those moments that are meant to confuse you and keep you off balance.

There is nothing kind behind that kiss. It's manipulative and cruel, yet it's the very thing that keeps you from moving forward. And he knows it.

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where we live you can't just serve your spouse, there has to be a separation first to which we both would want this all ironed out before the separation so there are no surprises for either of us.

 

no, the thought of living like this any longer gives me such anxiety.

 

i'm not sure. but the obvious one is tell me there is someone else and he's not coming back to me.

 

i did ask him this weekend if he wanted me to move out and just leave him alone but he declined and said that's not what he wanted and put both his hands on my face and kissed me. you can see why i'm confused even more now. i did have him move to the guest room. i didn't want him to deep down but i know i have to start taking steps and try to be strong

 

Just like watching TV together for 2 hours, that kiss won't glue your marriage back together. But it sure has the effect he desired which is to throw you off balance and allow him to keep the upper hand.

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Unfortunately when people talk like this it means you're in for some huge and very unpleasant surprises. Listen, you're not "we" or "us" or a team anymore. He wants a divorce. That means plaintiff and defendant not Mr and Mrs lovebirds. There is nothing "confusing" about "I want a divorce".

 

He's patting you on the head with 'there, there', so he can easily get out of this to his greatest advantage and take care of himself and his new woman and discard you like a used dishrag. Stop talking to him. You need an attorney for advice. You are doing just about everything to make matters worse such as leaving the marital home or asking him what you should do. He no longer wants to be your husband and therefore no longer has your best interest in mind.

so there are no surprises for either of us. i did ask him this weekend if he wanted me to move out and just leave him alone but he declined and said that's not what he wanted and put both his hands on my face and kissed me
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It's those moments that are meant to confuse you and keep you off balance.

There is nothing kind behind that kiss. It's manipulative and cruel, yet it's the very thing that keeps you from moving forward. And he knows it.

 

i'm not sure why he wouldn't want me to move forward though if we've agreed on what we would split in a divorce and i've offered to move out and leave him alone.

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Just like watching TV together for 2 hours, that kiss won't glue your marriage back together. But it sure has the effect he desired which is to throw you off balance and allow him to keep the upper hand.

 

i'm genuinely confused why he'd even want an "upper hand"? we talked about how things would be split in a divorce so there isn't anything to fight or worry about now. i've had breakups before, obviously just boyfriends as this would be my first divorce if it should happen. but in those breakups when a man is done he is done. my husband doesn't show those same signs. unless it's all guilt that's keeping him from making everything permanent

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Unfortunately when people talk like this it means you're in for some huge and very unpleasant surprises. Listen, you're not "we" or "us" or a team anymore. He wants a divorce. That means plaintiff and defendant not Mr and Mrs lovebirds. There is nothing "confusing" about "I want a divorce".

 

He's patting you on the head with 'there, there', so he can easily get out of this to his greatest advantage and take care of himself and his new woman and discard you like a used dishrag. Stop talking to him. You need an attorney for advice. You are doing just about everything to make matters worse such as leaving the marital home or asking him what you should do. He no longer wants to be your husband and therefore no longer has your best interest in mind.

 

i'm not someone to give up on my marriage due to anger/hurt. yes it's incredibly painful to be going through this but how can i just walk away. i only stayed with my friend one night, now i'm back home. i've already talked to an attorney and know the laws. if this marriage ends it won't be because of me. he will have to be the one to end it. i dont know how i could live with the regret of wondering, had i just given him some space and time to think through this, maybe would could have saved our marriage.

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