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I think getting a little distance is exactly what you need to gain some clarity on this.

 

Yea, I’m not an expert in divorce and have never been thru this. When you breakup with a boyfriend/girlfriend It’s not the same as ending a marriage. This hurts so much more and I just want to grieve alone and not do it around the life we built.

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I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely.

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Her plan was to get away for week or a few days. No mention of indefinitely.

IMO staying in that home where the dynamic is toxic is causing her to emotionally spiral down a drain.

 

I think a short break, being around people who support her will do her some good.

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I agree with the above from Rose.

 

Honestly you seem to have put more thought into hiding your gender than into what your game plan is.

 

Why are you moving out?

 

To get his attention?

 

As a Hail Mary?

 

I ask because you say things like ‘well I’m not sure how long it will be a week a month, that’s the words of someone using moving out as a bargaining chip hoping the other person will cave and change.

 

Will not work, at least not in the long term.

 

Communicate and talk.

 

Don’t just disappear like a thief in the night, that’s you stooping to his level, it’s childish and shows a lack of maturity, it makes you even as far as hurtful actions which maybe that’s your goal.

 

I say communicate and talk if divorce is imminent, actually move out, you have financial resources why stay on a couch? Get yourself a place, it will make this transition that much easier for you.

 

Don’t call his bluff with moving though you will only further damage your marriage. There’s no point, if you’re trying to save the marriage talk, if there is no saving it have an actual game plan before you leave your marital home and give him all the rights to it. Even if he’s leaving his ring around he’s there 5 minutes at a time right? I really and truly think you’re in your emotions and acting emotionally...

 

I know it’s hard but with divorce you have to think with your head not your heart and if you can’t then you aren’t ready to go through with it. Be mindful of everything you do, I’m sorry it’s come to this, divorce is such an emotionally trying to. Think through your actions and choices, you very rarely can undo them.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

Thank you for your thoughts on this, but I’m not taking space for anything other than my mental sanity, honestly. My spouse doesn’t want to talk about us and rolls their eyes when I want to try. You can’t talk to someone who doesn’t want to hear you or participate.

 

Per a lawyer I can’t just move up and out and get my own place without a legal document of separation, essentially getting the divorce going. Which is hard for me to digest right now while living here day in and out.

 

I mean it, the only move I’m making is protecting my mental health and heart. When I had breakups in the past it was easier to get over them when I wasn’t around them and it made me stronger.

 

If my spouse came running back, I don’t even know what I’d do. I’m so hurt by all they’ve done by this point. I really don’t think this marriage will recover. The words they have said will never be erased from me let alone the actions. The night they didn’t come home, I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up in the morning to them coming in the bedroom, I curled up in a ball begging God to protect my heart because I didn’t want to hear that they cheated on me, etc. I just wanted to be held but my spouse just said “good morning”. It was such a 180 from what I was feeling.

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Thank you for your thoughts on this, but I’m not taking space for anything other than my mental sanity, honestly. My spouse doesn’t want to talk about us and rolls their eyes when I want to try. You can’t talk to someone who doesn’t want to hear you or participate.

 

Per a lawyer I can’t just move up and out and get my own place without a legal document of separation, essentially getting the divorce going. Which is hard for me to digest right now while living here day in and out.

 

I mean it, the only move I’m making is protecting my mental health and heart. When I had breakups in the past it was easier to get over them when I wasn’t around them and it made me stronger.

 

If my spouse came running back, I don’t even know what I’d do. I’m so hurt by all they’ve done by this point. I really don’t think this marriage will recover. The words they have said will never be erased from me let alone the actions. The night they didn’t come home, I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up in the morning to them coming in the bedroom, I curled up in a ball begging God to protect my heart because I didn’t want to hear that they cheated on me, etc. I just wanted to be held but my spouse just said “good morning”. It was such a 180 from what I was feeling.

 

What lawyer told you that?

 

I was in my own place before the divorce proceedings started in my divorce, didn’t affect it, the only thing it affected was the separation of assets which is why I’m saying be careful about leaving your marital home, judges often let you keep what you already have ie vehicles etc. If you don’t own your home then not much to worry about.

 

I’m not ignoring what you’re saying about your emotional health. I will repeat when it comes to divorce emotions are high and it can cause a lot of confusion, it’s a hard time, not ignoring that, I think just leaving without a plan is doing yourself an emotional disservice. Yes a change of scenery will give you a much needed break but your reality will still be there, by couch surfing you aren’t actually taking any steps forward, you’re just making a haphazard chess move, I’m sorry, I’m just looking at this objectively, you’re acting on emotion, not logic, he’s barely there according to you. Are you ending this relationship? Then end it. Once that buttons pressed, it’s pressed. I don’t think you’d be posting if you weren’t sure which I’m sorry to me means things aren’t as black and white as you’re painting them, I still don’t get why you aren’t going to discuss your decision to move out with him, you’re discussing it with us, discuss it with him, discuss divorce with him, discuss your future with him, not us.

 

I get you want emotional support, it sounds like you have people around willing to help which is amazing lean on them, continue to get support here but face your reality.

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Make sure you divide things up appropriately and manage the financial end with a mediator/attorney and don't just fantasize about seeing one.. You also must see a therapist alone and privately who is LGBT trained and specializes in the complexities you are experiencing.

 

Right now you are merely running away, you're not dealing with anything. Yes you can avoid and camp out at friends but you are simply delaying the inevitable which will increase your pain and impair your healing. You need to face the fact that she wants out and found someone else.

“I found a mediator for the divorce, what’s your schedule so we can set this up”.
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Make sure you divide things up appropriately and manage the financial end with a mediator/attorney and don't just fantasize about seeing one.. You also must see a therapist alone and privately who is LGBT trained and specializes in the complexities you are experiencing.

 

Right now you are merely running away, you're not dealing with anything. Yes you can avoid and camp out at friends but you are simply delaying the inevitable which will increase your pain and impair your healing. You need to face the fact that she wants out and found someone else.

 

Precisely what I’m trying to say, thanks wiseman.

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I wouldn’t stay with them indefinitely, it would be for as long as I needed. I know I cannot stop a divorce from happening and like I’ve been saying I’m not going to beg. But being around my spouse is heartbreaking for me because I still love them.

 

Living around our shared things, knowing Im still able to run into them and smell them everywhere, it’s difficult. You’re right, I don’t want it to end but I know I can’t stop it so I want to be away from them. So I can accept this and get the gut to HAVE the conversation of, “I found a mediator for the divorce, what’s your schedule so we can set this up”.

 

I’m not leaving to scare them. I’m leaving to deal with this divorce alone, so I can cry in my own space without fear of them seeing how much pain I’m in. But I do understand your thoughts on my leaving.

 

For as long as you need means it's indefinite. No one knows how long you'll need and you haven't made it clear to yourself either. I don't sense anyone is afraid, least of all your spouse, going by his/her behaviours and actions.

 

For your level of agitation and emotion, I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in the marital home but I also think you may be confusing yourself further by leaving it because you will be undermining yourself and your belief in the marriage and your views against a divorce in general. You seem to be exhibiting signs of a nervous breakdown which concerns me. I'd encourage you to speak to a counsellor or someone to help you manage your grief and reaction to change. I also think your desire to leave is a little peculiar and I'm not sure if you're also experiencing guilt in some form. If your spouse doesn't like you that much or wants to end the marriage, wouldn't it work the other way - the person doing the emotional leaving should be feeling more pressed to leave out of guilt or desire to move on? In other words, why isn't your spouse leaving the home? Why are you the one packing your bags? Like FIO, I feel there are parts of the story missing and you don't have to share it or if makes you uncomfortable. If there are or aren't anyway, it doesn't invalidate your feelings in wanting to leave. If you feel you should, please never allow yourself to stay in a detrimental or debilitating situation.

 

I hope you have a chance to make peace with your emotions. I am not telling you what to do but I am offering my own perspective. It would take a great deal more for me to contemplate reversing my views and beliefs. The issues here seem to stem from lack of communication and neglect. That neglect is breaking you down but it still doesn't bridge the gap for me or justify the extreme in physically relocating. I think this is a sensitive subject if we begin to discuss the your mental health or your situation in the sense of a nervous breakdown. You need a lot more help than a forum can provide if we're discussing mental health issues and a possible emotional breakdown to the point where you are feeling unable to care for yourself.

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You also must see a therapist alone and privately who is LGBT trained and specializes in the complexities you are experiencing.

 

I can’t respond to all the things everyone has brought up to the extent I want right now as I want to get to bed before my spouse gets home. I’m trying to avoid interaction with them because I just don’t want to be confused more by their advances towards me.

 

I know it’s strange but you have no idea what it’s like to have someone who has literally talked about divorcing you, taken off their ring, said they are not in-love with you, etc to also at the same time try to have sex and cuddle you at night. I know you may think I’m leaving something out, but it’s the truth. These are the things happening to me.

 

Lastly, I didn’t want to reveal my gender as I didn’t think it was relevant (the situation doesn’t change based on my gender) but now I’m getting LGBTQ comments and so to clear this up. This is a heterosexual relationship.

 

I’m a female and this is my husband who is doing this. Who wants a divorce.

 

I know this is hard to understand, but I’m not making this up. This is the dynamic of what is going on. He knows I love him and don’t want a divorce, but he has made clear that’s his wishes.

 

what man/woman desires a divorce only to want to keep having sex with the person they want to divorce? It’s crazy right? None of it makes sense but that’s what he’s been doing. But I hold strong and pretend to be asleep and the one time he did try it and I was awake I responded with, it’s not a good idea basically.

 

I don’t want to cause a fight with him. I’m too weak to fight and I’m afraid I’ll drop to the floor and cry in front of him. So I go to bed before he gets home and try to avoid him. Like I’m doing now, night.

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People who have affairs still have sex with their spouses. I think they either figure "why not, they're right there" or they do it to keep their spouse off balance. OR, they are worried about losing everything in a divorce and are "playing nice". No matter the reason, it's not for your benefit but for their own.

 

Your husband is fine with the situation. You are not.

 

I disagree that leaving the marital home will not affect the divorce. It absolutely could. So what I would do is tell your husband you're staying with a friend for a while. Tell your attorney too (maybe even type up a statement) so it's clear you are not moving out.

 

Then work on being more expressive of your needs. You can say no to sex. You can tell him you're not comfortable with hugs or pet names.

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I can’t respond to all the things everyone has brought up to the extent I want right now as I want to get to bed before my spouse gets home. I’m trying to avoid interaction with them because I just don’t want to be confused more by their advances towards me.

 

I know it’s strange but you have no idea what it’s like to have someone who has literally talked about divorcing you, taken off their ring, said they are not in-love with you, etc to also at the same time try to have sex and cuddle you at night. I know you may think I’m leaving something out, but it’s the truth. These are the things happening to me.

 

Lastly, I didn’t want to reveal my gender as I didn’t think it was relevant (the situation doesn’t change based on my gender) but now I’m getting LGBTQ comments and so to clear this up. This is a heterosexual relationship.

 

I’m a female and this is my husband who is doing this. Who wants a divorce.

 

I know this is hard to understand, but I’m not making this up. This is the dynamic of what is going on. He knows I love him and don’t want a divorce, but he has made clear that’s his wishes.

 

what man/woman desires a divorce only to want to keep having sex with the person they want to divorce? It’s crazy right? None of it makes sense but that’s what he’s been doing. But I hold strong and pretend to be asleep and the one time he did try it and I was awake I responded with, it’s not a good idea basically.

 

I don’t want to cause a fight with him. I’m too weak to fight and I’m afraid I’ll drop to the floor and cry in front of him. So I go to bed before he gets home and try to avoid him. Like I’m doing now, night.

Sex and emotions are two different things, this is why he can isolate the two. He is horny. This makes him even more of a dirtbag!

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People who have affairs still have sex with their spouses. I think they either figure "why not, they're right there" or they do it to keep their spouse off balance. OR, they are worried about losing everything in a divorce and are "playing nice". No matter the reason, it's not for your benefit but for their own.

 

Your husband is fine with the situation. You are not.

 

I disagree that leaving the marital home will not affect the divorce. It absolutely could. So what I would do is tell your husband you're staying with a friend for a while. Tell your attorney too (maybe even type up a statement) so it's clear you are not moving out.

 

Then work on being more expressive of your needs. You can say no to sex. You can tell him you're not comfortable with hugs or pet names.

 

Agree with this.

 

You’re a grown woman.

 

I understand this is an emotionally trying time but you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and give yourself a voice.

 

You have every right to tell this man you do not want to have sex.

 

You have every right to ask for space.

 

You have every right to discuss the state of your marriage.

 

You have every right to discuss TEMPORARY living arraignment.

 

But this cowering in a corner to lick your wounds and running away...girl... you gotta stop...

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Agree with this.

 

You’re a grown woman.

 

I understand this is an emotionally trying time but you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and give yourself a voice.

 

You have every right to tell this man you do not want to have sex.

 

You have every right to ask for space.

 

You have every right to discuss the state of your marriage.

 

You have every right to discuss TEMPORARY living arraignment.

 

But this cowering in a corner to lick your wounds and running away...girl... you gotta stop...

 

I agree! Time to get your self respect back. You have been a doormat too long. And, why doesn't he leave the house?

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Sadly you're in denial. You need an attorney. Have you asked him why he wants a divorce?

He knows I love him and don’t want a divorce, but he has made clear that’s his wishes. what man/woman desires a divorce only to want to keep having sex with the person they want to divorce?
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What lawyer told you that?

 

I was in my own place before the divorce proceedings started in my divorce, didn’t affect it, the only thing it affected was the separation of assets which is why I’m saying be careful about leaving your marital home, judges often let you keep what you already have ie vehicles etc. If you don’t own your home then not much to worry about.

 

I’m not ignoring what you’re saying about your emotional health. I will repeat when it comes to divorce emotions are high and it can cause a lot of confusion, it’s a hard time, not ignoring that, I think just leaving without a plan is doing yourself an emotional disservice. Yes a change of scenery will give you a much needed break but your reality will still be there, by couch surfing you aren’t actually taking any steps forward, you’re just making a haphazard chess move, I’m sorry, I’m just looking at this objectively, you’re acting on emotion, not logic, he’s barely there according to you. Are you ending this relationship? Then end it. Once that buttons pressed, it’s pressed. I don’t think you’d be posting if you weren’t sure which I’m sorry to me means things aren’t as black and white as you’re painting them, I still don’t get why you aren’t going to discuss your decision to move out with him, you’re discussing it with us, discuss it with him, discuss divorce with him, discuss your future with him, not us.

 

I get you want emotional support, it sounds like you have people around willing to help which is amazing lean on them, continue to get support here but face your reality.

 

ok back to try and address some of these things...

 

A very reputable lawyer told me. i CANNOT just up and move out without some sort of separation agreement with my husband. this would be the safest way to protect myself from losing anything. essentially, it would ensure that we have a legal agreement to how things will be divided (money, home, furniture, 401k, etc) per the divorce. if i just up and move out, i could risk losing things. these are the laws for where i'm located (again did my research and spoke with a lawyer about it so i don't do anything stupid).

 

i'm not leaving without a plan, nor am i actually "leaving" or "moving out". i'm just wanting to stay somewhere else for a little bit. packing a bag with some clothes for work, casual wear, sleeping, etc. isn't leaving. i don't even have a suitcase big enough to stay somewhere for an extended period of time. i'd probably have to come back every 4-5days and get new clothes.

 

nor am i couch surfing. i'm staying in one place. the friend has a whole separate living level. i'd have my own bathroom, kitchenette, bed, couch, tv, etc.

 

the plan i have is to get away and get my head together, get some space, and prepare myself to start the divorce proceedings.

 

yes, he's barley home but when he is home it's painful for me. i don't want to be sleeping next to him. i don't want him to keep trying to confuse me. i don't want to know when he is and isn't home. i just want to have nothing to do with him right now.

 

just this morning he was trying to talk to me about what's going on at work for him right now. i was neutral and said things like "that sounds good" and "the project sounds interesting" but that's about all i said. is this making sense? i don't want him to have access to me when he feels like it.

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Make sure you divide things up appropriately and manage the financial end with a mediator/attorney and don't just fantasize about seeing one..

 

Yes you can avoid and camp out at friends but you are simply delaying the inevitable which will increase your pain and impair your healing. You need to face the fact that she wants out and found someone else.

 

i'm not fantasizing, i've talked to an attorney and now have an appointment to meet face to face in 2wks.

 

yes i'm probably avoiding, but i'm heartbroken. this isn't what i want. it's taken a lot to call attorneys, speak with one and get an appointment. then i also had to find somewhere to stay just to get away. all these little steps were very difficult but i'm doing them as best i can.

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I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in the marital home but I also think you may be confusing yourself further by leaving it because you will be undermining yourself and your belief in the marriage and your views against a divorce in general.

 

I also think your desire to leave is a little peculiar and I'm not sure if you're also experiencing guilt in some form. If your spouse doesn't like you that much or wants to end the marriage, wouldn't it work the other way - the person doing the emotional leaving should be feeling more pressed to leave out of guilt or desire to move on? In other words, why isn't your spouse leaving the home? Why are you the one packing your bags? Like FIO, I feel there are parts of the story missing and you don't have to share it or if makes you uncomfortable.

 

The issues here seem to stem from lack of communication and neglect. That neglect is breaking you down but it still doesn't bridge the gap for me or justify the extreme in physically relocating.

 

my views against divorce with my husband don't really matter, he wants this not me. whether i stay somewhere else or not will not change him wanting a divorce.

 

well of course i have guilt, what person doesn't when their spouse wants a divorce. i'm pretty sure everyone feels like they've failed when divorce is on the table. i've been beating myself up for weeks, asking myself what i did wrong, trying to find situations that caused this. i can't seem to find anything so significant that would have caused this.

 

we have amazing sex (my husband has always said this and still says it), i don't live off my husband as i have my own career and make good money, i'm in great shape at 31yrs, i take care of myself and always get compliments from strangers who think i'm still in college and i have to correct them. i'm not saying looks and money keep a marriage but when i read these stories about men being unattracted to their wives and that they let themselves go i don't see myself in that situation. his friends tell him i'm out of his league and he just laughs and says "i have the hottest wife of all of us and you're all jealous".

 

the only thing i can think of is that he is bored and wants the exciting feeling of a new relationship or wants to have the single life.

 

he doesn't want to leave the home. he has said he doesn't want to inconvenience his friends/family with our problems. maybe he just doesn't want them to know what's going on? i don't know what's going thru his head but i can't stay living like this with him.

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People who have affairs still have sex with their spouses. I think they either figure "why not, they're right there" or they do it to keep their spouse off balance. OR, they are worried about losing everything in a divorce and are "playing nice". No matter the reason, it's not for your benefit but for their own.

 

Your husband is fine with the situation. You are not.

 

I disagree that leaving the marital home will not affect the divorce. It absolutely could. So what I would do is tell your husband you're staying with a friend for a while. Tell your attorney too (maybe even type up a statement) so it's clear you are not moving out.

 

Then work on being more expressive of your needs. You can say no to sex. You can tell him you're not comfortable with hugs or pet names.

 

i see, i didn't know people are like that still even when they have affairs. i always thought if there were someone else, their spouse would be repulsive to them. guess i was wrong.

 

yea it wouldn't be good to just up and move out, but the attorney said i could tell him i'm staying with a friend and that would be fine. so essentially, all my belongings will still be in the home, but my suitcase and some clothes will not. i'm only going to pack 3 or 4 outfits to start.

 

i have said no to sex but we haven't had an official conversation about boundaries yet, i haven't been strong enough to. i'm hoping being away will help me to get to that next step.

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Sex and emotions are two different things, this is why he can isolate the two. He is horny. This makes him even more of a dirtbag!

 

i will never understand how people can isolate those two things. i'm just not built that way. but i guess it shouldn't surprise me he's like this. he has always said we have the best sex life and i meet all his needs in that department. he's even gone so far to say he'll probably never find another woman with my "anatomy".

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And, why doesn't he leave the house?

Have you asked him why he wants a divorce?

He is not in love with her and wants to hang with his friends. How old is this guy?

 

he doesn't want to leave the house, he doesn't want to inconvenience family/friends with our problems.

 

yes i've asked, he wants to be alone, live a single life, not have to answer to me, be with his friends, etc. basically, he doesn't want to be married anymore.

 

he is 35yrs. sucks because i stuck with him through building his career and just within the last 2yrs his career has exploded and is making 6figures. maybe all the success and money has gone to his head? who knows. i feel used.

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Do Not Leave the residence. Ask him to leave. He doesn't have to but you can ask. Also you need to engage an attorney asap. That is the best way to protect yourself. While you are crying in the closet in denial he is getting his ducks in a row. Stop sleeping with him. If he won't leave retreat to another room. Stop pining and pleading and begging and get going with legal and emotional support. You don't need to waste time on politically correct pronouns to file for divorce, you need an attorney.

i CANNOT just up and move out without some sort of separation agreement with my husband. this would be the safest way to protect myself from losing anything. essentially, it would ensure that we have a legal agreement to how things will be divided (money, home, furniture, 401k, etc) per the divorce.
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I'm sorry OP, but it's time to stop crying and running away and start fighting for yourself and your well being. Your husband is already way ahead of you and I'm afraid that things might get very ugly for you if you keep dragging your feet, sitting here debating whether or not to go to a friend's house. He can easily use that against you and serve you while you are there and then you get to argue whether or not you abandoned the marriage. Like it or not, you are already at war so to speak. You didn't ask for it, but now you have to fight.

 

Remove your rose colored goggles. I doubt that it's his "friends" he is so keen on seeing or certainly not for their benefit that he removes his wedding ring. While he is gone and coming home late, start digging and looking who he is actually with. Check cell phone records, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Talk to a couple of other top notch lawyers in your area. Hire a PI. Find out the truth, because that will force you to take him off the pedestal and see him for the nasty lying loser that he actually is. Stop hiding from the truth, because truth will actually set you free. He is not some teenage boy sowing wilds oats, he is a grown man who knows exactly what he is doing and he doesn't care in the least how much he is hurting you. He does what pleases him. End of. This isn't even about you at all, it's all about himself.

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Do Not Leave the residence. Ask him to leave. He doesn't have to but you can ask. Also you need to engage an attorney asap. That is the best way to protect yourself. While you are crying in the closet in denial he is getting his ducks in a row. Stop sleeping with him. If he won't leave retreat to another room. Stop pining and pleading and begging and get going with legal and emotional support. You don't need to waste time on politically correct pronouns to file for divorce, you need an attorney.

 

we have talked about him leaving but he doesn't want to as i've addressed in responses to others.

 

i'm not pining or pleading, i'm just not doing anything. other than the phone call and appointment with the attorney and finding another place to stay.

 

i really wasn't trying to be politically correct when i wrote my thread, i just didn't think it was relevant the reveal gender as the situation is the same no matter my gender.

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Agree with this.

 

You’re a grown woman.

 

I understand this is an emotionally trying time but you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and give yourself a voice.

 

You have every right to tell this man you do not want to have sex.

 

You have every right to ask for space.

 

You have every right to discuss the state of your marriage.

 

You have every right to discuss TEMPORARY living arraignment.

 

But this cowering in a corner to lick your wounds and running away...girl... you gotta stop...

"nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate".

 

She's not having sex with him and I don't know what there is to fight about any more.

 

Seeing her partner doesn't come home, I don't think that going to friends house to get a break from the drama is considered licking her wounds.

 

They've discussed an equitable arrangement about the division of the home that was mutually agreed on.

 

I personally don't see the point in standing in the middle of an empty home trying to debate something with someone who has long since checked out.

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