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Why do you refer to they as "they?" Why not he or she?

 

i'm trying to be gender neutral i suppose. i know these days the "he" and "she" can be irrelevant. so i wanted to pose the issue i'm facing without genders, because if you think about it, does it really matter? the issue is still the same regardless of which gender is dealing with it right?

 

maybe i'm just way over thinking how i'm presenting this though, which could be the case as i'm struggling emotionally right now since i'm losing my marriage.

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My husband uses ridiculously nice fragrances too. If it's any consolation it also drives me nuts when we are in disagreement and the house smells like his shirt.

 

it's the worst. i just want to lay in my spouses closet, i miss them so much when i'm home alone. but i don't, i'm trying to ignore the smell even though it's there.

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Act indifferent and ask her not to come home. Stop cowering and turn this around on her. Demand respect. Do not offer sex or affection. Stop being a doormat.

 

so one night, my spouse said they weren't coming home thru text (i didn't respond to it). then at midnight they came home and got in bed with me. we didn't talk about it the next day as they got up early and left. but before they left, they kissed me on the cheek and hugged me goodbye. it was very confusing.

 

i feel like even if i did say, "don't come home" they would and would revel in that fact that they got me upset. thus why i just want to pack a bag and stay with a friend for a while.

 

i will have to tell my spouse i'm staying with a friend and won't be home, so that it's not technically me abandoning the marriage per the attorney.

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i'm trying to be gender neutral i suppose. i know these days the "he" and "she" can be irrelevant. so i wanted to pose the issue i'm facing without genders, because if you think about it, does it really matter? the issue is still the same regardless of which gender is dealing with it right?

 

maybe i'm just way over thinking how i'm presenting this though, which could be the case as i'm struggling emotionally right now since i'm losing my marriage.

 

It doesn't matter which gender it is. Bad behavior is bad behavior. It just helps in responding. Kinda strange to refer o them as "they."

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so one night, my spouse said they weren't coming home thru text (i didn't respond to it). then at midnight they came home and got in bed with me. we didn't talk about it the next day as they got up early and left. but before they left, they kissed me on the cheek and hugged me goodbye. it was very confusing.

 

i feel like even if i did say, "don't come home" they would and would revel in that fact that they got me upset. thus why i just want to pack a bag and stay with a friend for a while.

 

i will have to tell my spouse i'm staying with a friend and won't be home, so that it's not technically me abandoning the marriage per the attorney.

 

I think that you have let this individual walk all over you, for too long. You have tolerated way too much. Sounds like you spouse is having an affair.

 

This sounds awful.

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You need to stand up for yourself.

 

so it's good to pack up and stay with a friend right? i feel like i'm too weak in that house. i mean i'm not doing anything about anything right now, just wasting away. it's crazy that in the mornings i get up to brush my teeth and get ready for work and my spouse says "good morning" all happy like in the shower and asks how i slept and then hugs and kisses me goodbye. just last night at like 3am they tried to initiate sex with me!!?!?! what is going on?! i need to get out of there.

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I think that you have let this individual walk all over you, for too long. You have tolerated way too much. Sounds like you spouse is having an affair.

 

This sounds awful.

 

yes, i've concluded that too. but without evidence i have nothing. i have no way to prove it. it's the worst.

 

but i will NOT beg or plead!! it was really hard to make the call to an attorney this week but i did it, now i feel like my next step is some space so i can get myself together before going thru with this divorce. i hate that i let it get this far, i hate looking weak.

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I may have missed it earlier but I have a few questions, if you don't mind.

 

You mentioned on page 2 not wanting a divorce. He wants a divorce. I'm not clear if you've spoken about it in detail. Has he mentioned any affairs or decisions or desires to pursue relationships outside the marriage? His comings and goings suggest he's emotionally checked out. I'm also not sure what your level of connection is like when you are both in the house. Do you have any meaningful conversations with each other at any time about the marriage?

 

When you say you don't want a divorce, is this based on spiritual beliefs or fear of the unknown (ie. finances etc)? There is a lot of pain involved in talking about divorce and if I were in your place, I would want to understand the reasoning behind his idea of divorce and what his motivation for divorce is. He also seems to be operating on the basis that you are ok with the idea of divorce. Is there some miscommunication about this between the both of you or can this be clarified? Has he said anything about serving those papers or initiating the process?

 

It would be very difficult to stay focused but I'd try and gather your resources and figure out your finances before bringing third parties (friends or family) into the scenario. This is a matter of personal preference. I find it clouds my head bringing other voices in and I don't end up doing the right thing for me. It's up to you.

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yes, i've concluded that too. but without evidence i have nothing. i have no way to prove it. it's the worst.

 

but i will NOT beg or plead!! it was really hard to make the call to an attorney this week but i did it, now i feel like my next step is some space so i can get myself together before going thru with this divorce. i hate that i let it get this far, i hate looking weak.

 

I am so sorry. It is even worse the way he is behaving.

 

You need to put yourself first. Just focus on the fact that you are acting now, and did everything possible. Do you have a good support system?

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I'm not clear if you've spoken about it in detail. Has he mentioned any affairs or decisions or desires to pursue relationships outside the marriage? I'm also not sure what your level of connection is like when you are both in the house. Do you have any meaningful conversations with each other at any time about the marriage?

 

When you say you don't want a divorce, is this based on spiritual beliefs or fear of the unknown (ie. finances etc)? He also seems to be operating on the basis that you are ok with the idea of divorce. Is there some miscommunication about this between the both of you or can this be clarified? Has he said anything about serving those papers or initiating the process?

 

It would be very difficult to stay focused but I'd try and gather your resources and figure out your finances before bringing third parties (friends or family) into the scenario.

 

fair questions. . .

 

i asked my spouse if they wanted a divorce because they wanted to find someone else, and they responded with "yea i'd like to see if there is someone out there for me. but i don't want anything serious right away." my spouses main reason they have told me for wanting a divorce is that they are not "in-love" with me anymore but they always clarify that they still love me. i did ask if they were having an affair but they declined and said they just wanted to be by themselves.

 

the only time i've seen my spouse in the house (the last 2weeks) is in the morning and it's for maybe 2mins at most. that's when the pet names and kisses, hugs happen from them NOT me as i don't initiate them. i just go about my business to get ready for work. the last conversation i tried to have about our marriage was 2wks ago but they seemed annoyed to talk about "us" and kept pressing the divorce stuff. that's when they removed their wedding ring and it's been on the table since (insert me crying here).

 

i don't want a divorce because i love my spouse, and i knew marriage was going to be work. that you just don't quit, you work through your problems. i think two people can get through anything, if they do the work. i meant my vows, i really truly meant till death do us part. i'm not worried about my finances with divorce, i would be ok. i have a great job, education and i would leave the divorce debt free as my spouse has already agreed that they wouldn't stick me with their debts as I do not have any.

 

my spouse has talked about us going to do mediation to discuss splitting things up, even going so far to say that the would help me get restarted in life so i wouldn't struggle. but i really wouldn't struggle and they know that. i can very much take care of myself, i was taking care of myself long before they were in the picture, it was something that was important for me to do before getting married.

 

their main reasoning seems to be "i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you, be in-love again" feels like a grass-is-greener syndrome if you ask me but i don't fight them on it. again i'm not going to beg and plead. i've explained this to them that i won't do any of those things but i don't want us to divorce because i know we could get through this if we both tried.

 

so the friend i'm thinking to stay with is a friend of a friend. i didn't want to involve my immediate friends or family on this. the person who is willing to open their home to me, has a big house and plenty of space. they understand my dilemma and are happy to give me a place to sleep. in turn i'm willing to help them with their kids (they are a single parent) and cook/clean since they will not be charging me rent to stay there for a little while. i don't know how long i'd stay, a week, 2wks, a month, etc. i haven't made it that far yet in my thinking. but i could still go home to switch out clothes and get things i needed if necessary.

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I am so sorry. It is even worse the way he is behaving.

 

You need to put yourself first. Just focus on the fact that you are acting now, and did everything possible. Do you have a good support system?

 

yes, my friend who found me a place to stay has been such a help to me through this. plus i've always been good about going to church so i do that too. the music and just kneeling and praying has really helped me to get through these last two weeks. i mean sure i'm not eating much or sleeping and crying a lot but i'm staying strong around my spouse which is the one thing i feel i'm winning at. no tears, fighting, or crying are happening...and i'm not even reaching out them by phone or text when they are gone. i'm just letting them be. but i've had time to think about what i want to do and now that i've found a place to go, i've been planning to try that out and see if it will at least help me to start eating regularly again. my stomach is so messed up these days, it's hard to be hungry and enjoy food as you can imagine.

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Your spouse does not love you. He is not around and does not treat you with any kind of love or respect. He is done. You need to accept this. He has told you in no uncertain terms.

 

Get the divorce. This is all you need to know:"i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you," He sounds like an azzhole! I also think he is having an affair,

 

Who owns the house?

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I am really sorry but it appears your partner is feeding you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you from leaving. At the same time they are living an entirely separate life from you. It's incredibly selfish of them to try to keep you while they slowly wean themselves from you. And you are willing participant in this dynamic and rewarding them for it by playing along.

 

Taking off their ring, not coming home while at the same time kissing your cheek and calling you pet names seems like a very cruel head f*ck game to me.

 

It's time you call them out on it. Yes, please go stay with a friend and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Don't stick around for any of this nonsense any longer.

 

It takes two totally committed and willing people to make a marriage work. Only one of you is on board. The other one has left the room. Close the door so they can't come back and play with your head anymore.

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Your spouse does not love you. He is not around and does not treat you with any kind of love or respect. He is done. You need to accept this. He has told you in no uncertain terms.

 

Get the divorce. This is all you need to know:"i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you,"

 

Who owns the house?

 

thank you Hollyj, i NEED to read these things to make me stronger. you are 100% right. i wouldn't have called the attorney if i didnt' think this was real. i made the call and know what will happen, so now i'm just playing my cards for my mental state. thus why i want to leave so i can get strong and not be around them for a while...i need them out of sight so i can go thru with this.

 

we both own it but my spouse agreed to buy me out so that wouldn't be a problem. i'd end the marriage with no debt and some major cash in my bank account, which the attorney said would be the case too if that's how we wanted to go about it. i could get a small apartment close to my work and just start life over, i'd be fine in that regard.

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I am really sorry but it appears your partner is feeding you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you from leaving. Yes, please go stay with a friend and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Don't stick around for any of this nonsense any longer.

 

Close the door so they can't come back and play with your head anymore.

 

THIS!!!! i needed to hear this from others because that's what I've been EXACTLY thinking as to why they are doing this back and forth, BREADCRUMBS! i'm glad it's not all in my head, thus why i wanted to leave. i DON'T WANT ANYMORE BREADCRUMBS!

 

i want to get angry and stop crying, i need to get out of that house so i can see it from afar and not be so upset that i'm losing a marriage that doesn't even exist!! does this make sense?

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thank you Hollyj, i NEED to read these things to make me stronger. you are 100% right. i wouldn't have called the attorney if i didnt' think this was real. i made the call and know what will happen, so now i'm just playing my cards for my mental state. thus why i want to leave so i can get strong and not be around them for a while...i need them out of sight so i can go thru with this.

 

we both own it but my spouse agreed to buy me out so that wouldn't be a problem. i'd end the marriage with no debt and some major cash in my bank account, which the attorney said would be the case too if that's how we wanted to go about it. i could get a small apartment close to my work and just start life over, i'd be fine in that regard.

 

if they've gone as far as come up with how to fairly divide things, then I don't know how much more you need to know.

 

I get the endearing comments they make confuse you. It's like you are getting two conflicting messages.

 

So, if you really want to know what's going on, watch their actions.

This persons actions clearly scream their real intention.

The rest is just noise.

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THIS!!!! i needed to hear this from others because that's what I've been EXACTLY thinking as to why they are doing this back and forth, BREADCRUMBS! i'm glad it's not all in my head, thus why i wanted to leave. i DON'T WANT ANYMORE BREADCRUMBS!

 

i want to get angry and stop crying, i need to get out of that house so i can see it from afar and not be so upset that i'm losing a marriage that doesn't even exist!! does this make sense?

 

I think getting a little distance is exactly what you need to gain some clarity on this.

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For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way. Your convictions and clarity shouldn't change that drastically while away. I think it's your emotions that you need to figure out and I tend to think this can be solved with a good walk or a hike out for a few hours. It shouldn't involve packing bags in order to clear your head. This still seems extreme for what it is.

 

The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass. What matters is what you do with yourself and with your life and what your convictions and your beliefs are. I'm not seeing the absence as any help to your ability to think clearly. It may seem that way at first and of course, it may boil down to different personalities and approaches. In my personal opinion regarding an absence, the impact is low and the inconvenience is high.

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thank you Hollyj, i NEED to read these things to make me stronger. you are 100% right. i wouldn't have called the attorney if i didnt' think this was real. i made the call and know what will happen, so now i'm just playing my cards for my mental state. thus why i want to leave so i can get strong and not be around them for a while...i need them out of sight so i can go thru with this.

 

we both own it but my spouse agreed to buy me out so that wouldn't be a problem. i'd end the marriage with no debt and some major cash in my bank account, which the attorney said would be the case too if that's how we wanted to go about it. i could get a small apartment close to my work and just start life over, i'd be fine in that regard.

 

I am sorry, honey. You are making the right decision. You deserve so much more than this.

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For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way. Your convictions and clarity shouldn't change that drastically while away. I think it's your emotions that you need to figure out and I tend to think this can be solved with a good walk or a hike out for a few hours. It shouldn't involve packing bags in order to clear your head. This still seems extreme for what it is.

 

The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass. What matters is what you do with yourself and with your life and what your convictions and your beliefs are. I'm not seeing the absence as any help to your ability to think clearly. It may seem that way at first and of course, it may boil down to different personalities and approaches. In my personal opinion regarding an absence, the impact is low and the inconvenience is high.

 

She is miserable being around him. It is affecting her mental health. He is also playing games. He tells her he does not love her, wants to split assets and is rarely around. When he is around he tries to get sex and is flirtatious, This is terrible. She need stop end this, even if she doesn't want to.

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The reason why I'm skeptical of leaving the home is that I'm not certain if you'll come to any clarity outside of it. At this time your stressors seem to be external but they are only verbal. His acts of intimacy don't seem to be posing any physical threat to your personal safety. If you are uncomfortable with physical intimacy you might ask for respect and establish that you're not comfortable being intimate until the both of you speak genuinely and openly about your problems. You haven't mentioned establishing boundaries on your part. It appears that you seem to be leaving the situation and this has triggered a fight/flight response. While it may hit the pause button for you, you're not growing in your ability to work through that initial response and you also don't seem to be working on establishing your boundaries with your husband. This is not growing as a couple.

 

I'm not sure we know enough about your situation to determine that your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage. He isn't the one leaving the family home. He seems to be the one initiating intimacy. He may be confusing, a little cheeky and manipulative in his arguments but he isn't actually causing you any physical or serious harm either.

 

Without knowing too much about your situation, you're appearing a bit impulsive and it might not look very favourable on you in terms of your character or ability to work on the marriage either. I'm saying this out of your interests in mind, not to upset you.

 

For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way. Your convictions and clarity shouldn't change that drastically while away. I think it's your emotions that you need to figure out and I tend to think this can be solved with a good walk or a hike out for a few hours. It shouldn't involve packing bags in order to clear your head. This still seems extreme for what it is.

 

The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass. What matters is what you do with yourself and with your life and what your convictions and your beliefs are. I'm not seeing the absence as any help to your ability to think clearly. It may seem that way at first and of course, it may boil down to different personalities and approaches. In my personal opinion regarding an absence, the impact is low and the inconvenience is high.

 

I agree with the above from Rose.

 

Honestly you seem to have put more thought into hiding your gender than into what your game plan is.

 

Why are you moving out?

 

To get his attention?

 

As a Hail Mary?

 

I ask because you say things like ‘well I’m not sure how long it will be a week a month, that’s the words of someone using moving out as a bargaining chip hoping the other person will cave and change.

 

Will not work, at least not in the long term.

 

Communicate and talk.

 

Don’t just disappear like a thief in the night, that’s you stooping to his level, it’s childish and shows a lack of maturity, it makes you even as far as hurtful actions which maybe that’s your goal.

 

I say communicate and talk if divorce is imminent, actually move out, you have financial resources why stay on a couch? Get yourself a place, it will make this transition that much easier for you.

 

Don’t call his bluff with moving though you will only further damage your marriage. There’s no point, if you’re trying to save the marriage talk, if there is no saving it have an actual game plan before you leave your marital home and give him all the rights to it. Even if he’s leaving his ring around he’s there 5 minutes at a time right? I really and truly think you’re in your emotions and acting emotionally...

 

I know it’s hard but with divorce you have to think with your head not your heart and if you can’t then you aren’t ready to go through with it. Be mindful of everything you do, I’m sorry it’s come to this, divorce is such an emotionally trying to. Think through your actions and choices, you very rarely can undo them.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way.

 

The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass.

 

I wouldn’t stay with them indefinitely, it would be for as long as I needed. I know I cannot stop a divorce from happening and like I’ve been saying I’m not going to beg. But being around my spouse is heartbreaking for me because I still love them.

 

Living around our shared things, knowing Im still able to run into them and smell them everywhere, it’s difficult. You’re right, I don’t want it to end but I know I can’t stop it so I want to be away from them. So I can accept this and get the gut to HAVE the conversation of, “I found a mediator for the divorce, what’s your schedule so we can set this up”.

 

I’m not leaving to scare them. I’m leaving to deal with this divorce alone, so I can cry in my own space without fear of them seeing how much pain I’m in. But I do understand your thoughts on my leaving.

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She is miserable being around him. It is affecting her mental health. He is also playing games. He tells her he does not love her, wants to split assets and is rarely around. When he is around he tries to get sex and is flirtatious, This is terrible. She need stop end this, even if she doesn't want to.

 

Thanks Hollyj, your support means a lot to me. Really it does.

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