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to keep it short, my spouse has been threatening divorce the last few months when a disagreement happens. to be fair, i realize we all say things we don't mean when angry but it's getting to the point where i don't want to hear that statement anymore unless they truly mean it (which i have expressed to them). the main argument has been lack of communication on my spouses part, which they have agreed is the case.

 

they are not open to counseling and have recently talked about splitting up our assets and helping me move out. they come home late every night and one night didn't even come home. i'm not one to beg, my spouse knows i want to work it out and save our marriage but i'm not going to beg for someone to love me let alone stay married to me.

 

here's my question, i have a place to stay as long as i need and i'm thinking i'm going to do that (they don't know where it is, i'd keep it that way so they couldn't come around bothering me). i just cant be around them when this is what's going through their mind, it's painful. passing each other in our home is awkward for me because i don't know how to act, so i just stay quiet.

 

the random problem is that they still want to have sex with me, call me pet names, hug me, ask me how i'm doing throughout the day, and tell me to have a good day with a kiss. confusing right? No! it's annoying to me. you either want me as your spouse or you don't! thus why i want to go stay with a friend and get away from this torture.

 

i hate even posting this on the internet but i guess i'm just looking for support from outside parties. i really feel like no one should have to put up with a spouse who threatens divorce and talks about how divorce proceedings would work. when that is going on and they don't want to put in the effort to work it out, you should just go and get some space to protect your heart and think clearly.

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I don't think you should go anywhere. I think both of you are not in the right frame of mind. Your husband may be threatening divorce because it's a manipulative tactic and a way to get a reaction out of you but he's not serious about it. You seem to react to it every time. Let him think what he needs to think and say what he needs to say and resist the urge to react to every item he presents to you. Come back to this at a better time when both of you are less heated or emotional.

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Your spouse is a total mind f*ck! You need to get out of there, as he is manipulative and does not want to work on the relationship. You need to act, this is very unhealthy. I hope that you are not sleeping with him?

 

How did the problems start?

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Go to therapy for yourself.

My ex wouldn't go, so I went. It helped me get some very much needed clarity about things going on in my marriage. It gave me some tools to cope and tools to communicate in a way that felt respectful and empowering. It didn't change a thing, mind you. It just got worse. But I got clear with myself and became more grounded.

 

At some point he agreed to couples counseling, but he only did as a power move assuming I would stop seeing my individual counselor. But no, that wasn't the agreement. We went a couple times and with a 3rd person in the room, I could see the mess they were witnessing. At home alone with him, I was too close to be objective.

 

What counseling showed me. . was the door. . .The door I walked out of.

 

Look. . . I am not sure what to tell you, other than whatever you two are doing is not working. So you will need to do something else. I support you moving out, but you need to be prepared for him to sweet talk you and try to wear you down. You've done this cycle enough and it only leads you two back where you started.

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You seem to react to it every time. Let him think what he needs to think and say what he needs to say and resist the urge to react to every item he presents to you. Come back to this at a better time when both of you are less heated or emotional.

 

i haven't reacted to anything or become heated/emotional? Not sure where you got this from?

 

yes we've had arguments but my spouse has agreed that they are the result of their lack of communication, etc. the only thing i've expressed when they threaten divorce, is that i don't want that. so far i haven't really done much of anything since counseling is off the table as they don't want to try that.

 

my only action at this point would be staying somewhere else so i can think clearly.

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Your spouse is a total mind f*ck! You need to get out of there, as he is manipulative and does not want to work on the relationship. You need to act, this is very unhealthy. I hope that you are not sleeping with him?

 

How did the problems start?

 

nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate. i'm not mean about it, i just say it's not a good time for us right now.

 

honestly, i'm not sure. they just started working late all the time and not giving me specific times as to when they'd be home. i got sick of making dinner only to eat it alone and clean everything up on my own as well. so i just stopped making dinner eventually. we didn't fight about dinner not being made. the arguments were more about how i wasn't kept in the loop of their schedule so i could plan my evening accordingly. and that has bleed into weekends, etc. i'm actually by myself a lot these days, as they are off with friends or something (i don't really know cuz i don't want to ask and then fight about it so i stay quiet).

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This may come down to a matter of personal preference and respect your desire to find a safe or quiet(er) place to think. This is in response to post #5. I would have to caution you about leaving the marital home in general. If you are searching for peace of mind I don't think it's helpful to add to the instability by leaving the house unless you fear for your personal safety. You're requesting for stability in an unstable place by responding with instability.

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nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate. i'm not mean about it, i just say it's not a good time for us right now.

 

honestly, i'm not sure. they just started working late all the time and not giving me specific times as to when they'd be home. i got sick of making dinner only to eat it alone and clean everything up on my own as well. so i just stopped making dinner eventually. we didn't fight about dinner not being made. the arguments were more about how i wasn't kept in the loop of their schedule so i could plan my evening accordingly. and that has bleed into weekends, etc. i'm actually by myself a lot these days, as they are off with friends or something (i don't really know cuz i don't want to ask and then fight about it so i stay quiet).

 

deleted. . . . . . .

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Look. . . I am not sure what to tell you, other than whatever you two are doing is not working. So you will need to do something else. I support you moving out, but you need to be prepared for him to sweet talk you and try to wear you down. You've done this cycle enough and it only leads you two back where you started.

 

yes, it's not working and i'm sad all the time but i don't let my spouse see that. i'm not moving out because if i did that my spouse could claim i abandoned the marriage. therefore, i'm just going to stay with a friend for a while. i want the space to be away from my spouse so i can get strong and not have to endure this "emotional abuse" daily. the witnessing of going back and forth on their thoughts is torture. i feel like distance will help me to decide what to do next.

 

we've never done the cycle of me leaving only for my spouse to try and bring me back because i've never left. in fact, the last real conversation we had was about divorce proceeds. but the last week, when my spouse is home, they do all the opposite gestures to lead me to be confused.

 

i thought when people wanted to leave you they didn't want to have sex and snuggle and call you pet names etc.? thus why i want to stay somewhere else, i can't keep living in this confusion.

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I would contact an attorney before you go anywhere .

 

i have, i can't just move out and leave. i'm just going to pack a bag and stay with a friend. more so to gain some mental strength and think clearer about all this.

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You're requesting for stability in an unstable place by responding with instability.

 

huh?

 

i thought more of it like, "i need to get away from this person who wants to sleep with me and kiss and hug me, etc all while they say they want a divorce and leave me at home alone all the time". i just want to not have to be around them so i can go to work and come home and not have to deal with the back and forth of them. i feel like if they are not willing to work on the marriage, why am i around?

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this may be irrelevant, but although i'm not begging and pleading with my spouse to stay with me. i am still very much hurting. i cry in the shower, i can't stay asleep for long, my clothes are hanging on me because i've been barley eating since i've been so depressed about losing my marriage and not being able to do a thing about it.

 

i'm also by myself all the time. i come home to an empty house, and go to bed with it empty. my spouse comes home late and gets into bed after i've fallen asleep. it's really difficult. i've been thinking about staying somewhere else for about a week now. maybe it's not the best action to take but it's incredibly hard to watch my spouse coming and going from the house and being treated like this.

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this may be irrelevant, but although i'm not begging and pleading with my spouse to stay with me. i am still very much hurting. i cry in the shower, i can't stay asleep for long, my clothes are hanging on me because i've been barley eating since i've been so depressed about losing my marriage and not being able to do a thing about it.

 

i'm also by myself all the time. i come home to an empty house, and go to bed with it empty. my spouse comes home late and gets into bed after i've fallen asleep. it's really difficult. i've been thinking about staying somewhere else for about a week now. maybe it's not the best action to take but it's incredibly hard to watch my spouse coming and going from the house and being treated like this.

 

Remaining helpless in a hopeless situation has be to really painful. You need to start acting on your behalf and not just enduring the same painful thing every day.

 

I know you have plan to leave for a few days. How about you get busy planning some other things? Apparently your husband is busy leading his life. It's time for you to get busy doing the same.

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huh?

 

i thought more of it like, "i need to get away from this person who wants to sleep with me and kiss and hug me, etc all while they say they want a divorce and leave me at home alone all the time". i just want to not have to be around them so i can go to work and come home and not have to deal with the back and forth of them. i feel like if they are not willing to work on the marriage, why am i around?

 

The reason why I'm skeptical of leaving the home is that I'm not certain if you'll come to any clarity outside of it. At this time your stressors seem to be external but they are only verbal. His acts of intimacy don't seem to be posing any physical threat to your personal safety. If you are uncomfortable with physical intimacy you might ask for respect and establish that you're not comfortable being intimate until the both of you speak genuinely and openly about your problems. You haven't mentioned establishing boundaries on your part. It appears that you seem to be leaving the situation and this has triggered a fight/flight response. While it may hit the pause button for you, you're not growing in your ability to work through that initial response and you also don't seem to be working on establishing your boundaries with your husband. This is not growing as a couple.

 

I'm not sure we know enough about your situation to determine that your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage. He isn't the one leaving the family home. He seems to be the one initiating intimacy. He may be confusing, a little cheeky and manipulative in his arguments but he isn't actually causing you any physical or serious harm either.

 

Without knowing too much about your situation, you're appearing a bit impulsive and it might not look very favourable on you in terms of your character or ability to work on the marriage either. I'm saying this out of your interests in mind, not to upset you.

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Remaining helpless in a hopeless situation has be to really painful. You need to start acting on your behalf and not just enduring the same painful thing every day.

 

I know you have plan to leave for a few days. How about you get busy planning some other things? Apparently your husband is busy leading his life. It's time for you to get busy doing the same.

 

yea, seeing my spouses wedding ring on the kitchen table everyday kills me. i feel like they leave it out to remind me they want a divorce. i still wear mine, i just can't bring myself to take it off.

 

so my plan would be to leave and stay with a friend. this friend has kids so i could help them with their kids and make dinner, clean their house, etc as a way of saying thank you for giving me somewhere to go. that should keep me busy for a while. i also have work and some books i want to read. that's all i got though. i'm sure i should try to think about what to do with my marriage while i'm away, but is there anything i can even do? they don't want to try, so maybe i should start planning what my life will be like after divorce?

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yea, seeing my spouses wedding ring on the kitchen table everyday kills me. i feel like they leave it out to remind me they want a divorce. i still wear mine, i just can't bring myself to take it off.

 

If that's the case, I think you have your answers. I don't think he's invested in the marriage at all and I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Removing a wedding ring before a marriage is over or before there is an agreement that it is over is below the belt, in my opinion. Where is he coming and going from? You mentioned him coming and going in post #13. If you are serious about separating, how do you intend to support yourself?

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You need to call her bluff. She's a bully. Do not tolerate the manufactured chaos in order to control and confuse. Get to therapy for yourself alone and confidentially and Do Not Discuss this with her. Learn about power struggles. You also need to get to an attorney to have some of your questions answered so you know where you stand.

 

Do Not Abandon the house. You need a lot more advice from a good attorney as well as a therapist to understand the anger, escalation and toxic dynamic this relationship has. If you are legally married that part about her splitting the assets and telling you to move out is horsecrap. Consult an attorney specializing in the type of marriage you have, get your ducks in a row and realize that it's not working and most of all she doesn't want it to work.

to keep it short, my spouse has been threatening divorce the last few months when a disagreement happens.

they are not open to counseling and have recently talked about splitting up our assets and helping me move out.

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Without knowing too much about your situation, you're appearing a bit impulsive and it might not look very favourable on you in terms of your character or ability to work on the marriage either. I'm saying this out of your interests in mind, not to upset you.

 

i know you are and I appreciate that, i'm open to any discussion and appreciate it.

 

but i don't feel i should have to set boundaries with someone on "sex" when they are the one that wants to discuss divorce. i feel like that should be obvious, right? most people don't want to have sex with the person they want to divorce, am i right?

 

i've made very clear to my spouse i don't want a divorce, they know that. i can't really grow with my spouse if they want to stop growing.

 

that being said, i'm not in any physical harm. but my heart is in harms way. i can't take another night in that house alone, and watching them come and go. it's painful, thus why i want to get away.

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Where is he coming and going from? You mentioned him coming and going in post #13. If you are serious about separating, how do you intend to support yourself?

 

i actually don't know. i mean work is obvious during the week, but on weekends i don't know. i don't ask, nor do i wait up for them until they get home, or text or call them while they are out. i mean why should i, it's not like they are telling me where they are going. i feel like if they want to come and go and not include me in there whereabouts then they must not want me knowing. it's very difficult and i'm tired of them knowing i'm alone all the time.

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You need to call her bluff. She's a bully. Do not tolerate the manufactured chaos in order to control and confuse. Get to therapy for yourself alone and confidentially and Do Not Discuss this with her. Learn about power struggles. You also need to get to an attorney to have some of your questions answered so you know where you stand.

 

Do Not Abandon the house. You need a lot more advice from a good attorney as well as a therapist to understand the anger, escalation and toxic dynamic this relationship has. If you are legally married that part about her splitting the assets and telling you to move out is horsecrap. Consult an attorney specializing in the type of marriage you have, get your ducks in a row and realize that it's not working and most of all she doesn't want it to work.

 

thank you Wiseman2. i have talked to an attorney, and was told what i could and could not do. i can't move out but i can go "stay with friends" so pack a bag with some clothes like i'm going on vacation or something to get some space.

 

we are married legally, and i've been told how the divorce would work should that be a reality. i guess i want to get away to digest all this before taking the next step, which is dealing with the actual process of divorce. i just need some time and to be away from my spouse so i can get some of my strength back. my spouse's fragrance is all over the house and i can't take it, it kills me.

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how do you intend to support yourself?

 

that would not be a problem (sorry forgot to mention that).

 

i have a good job and am done with my education, no kids, etc. i could do it but it would be hard to get over my spouse. that would be the biggest struggle.

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And that is a huge mistake. Playing right into the bullying and giving her all the power. Act indifferent and ask her not to come home. Stop cowering and turn this around on her. Demand respect. Do not offer sex or affection. Stop being a doormat.

i've made very clear to my spouse i don't want a divorce, they know that. i can't take another night in that house alone, and watching them come and go.

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