Trapped and unhappy in marriage

[jackhammer84]

Soooo....you cheated on your wife and manipulated her into a separation so you can go test drive your new life with the side chic. Since that didn't work out so well, you came crawling back to "work" on your marriage, but you are still a cheater and still looking to justify that and shifting blame onto your wife for your marriage not working. So so cheater textbook 101.

 

So, do your wife and kids a huge favor and go ahead and divorce. Agree to a healthy settlement, pay your child support, pay alimony and otherwise go fck whoever you want. Enjoy your freedom and leave your family out of your disordered ways. Your wife deserves at least that much from you since you can't do any better. It's a situation where everyone will be better off. Drop the "good dad" act too while you are at it. Good fathers don't go cheating on their children's mothers. You aren't fooling anyone with your bs. You aren't trapped, you are a very bad liar.

 

While I accept full responsibility for my prior and current actions and feelings, I feel like you are unfairly judging me. I did not cheat on her - I ended the relationship before anything happened with anyone else. I was lucky that she took me back and I really and truly wanted to make things work - I should have made more effort in the first place and I was incredibly lucky that she gave me another chance. As I've said in other replies a short while ago, I have tried to make it work and I really want to feel the way I used to, but I don't and I can't force it.

 

In terms of me being a good dad - with respect, I don't agree. While I fully admit to being a bad husband, I have loved and cared for those kids every damn day of their lives and I will until the day I die. This thread is about my relationship with my wife and while I appreciate any and all feedback or advice, I think you saying that is unfair. I wanted to make things work as much for their sake as mine and my wife's. And I want to try to resolve the situation so that my behaviour, thoughts and feelings has as little impact on them and their development as possible - I know it won't be easy, but I truly want that, and you can't tell me that I don't.

[jackhammer84]

Reading this makes my heart break for your wife. There's nothing more romantic than when a woman gives her heart to a man to protect and treasure (she did this when she married you). I realize you are not attracted to her like you used to be, but instead of allowing your feelings to conclude that you "can't get it back" why not at the very least do marriage counseling so you can discuss these feelings in a neutral environment so that a third party can help BOTH of you deal with this.

 

I can assure you that I feel worse for her than I do for myself - I do not want to feel this way and I do not want her to be anything other than happy. As I've said in previous posts, I am keen to go through marriage counselling - I honestly don't think it will change my feelings, but believe me I want it to.

 

And yes, I understand that there is the potential for things to end and for me to be highly regretful of that - but there's a part of me that feels like, if that does happen, I would rather her be happy and get the full, unequivocal love that she deserves from another man, regardless of what happens to me.

[Purdy]

yes, clearly the issue is with me and I don't for a minute blame my wife for anything. She is amazing, beautiful, kind and thoughtful, everything that a man would want in a wife. I hate myself for feeling the way I do but I can't help it.

 

this is in many ways what i'm dealing with in regards to my spouse. i can't understand when someone has it all but it's not good enough.

 

can you expand on what it is that you're looking for, or need that's not being met? you've said she's gained some weight but you still find her beautiful although you're not attracted to her.

 

is it that she is unattractive because she's safe? it's not new and exciting anymore? she doesn't meet your sexual needs? you want someone who doesn't define themselves by motherhood, but lives for other things? did she become unattractive when she became a mom?

 

i've read some men are turned off by woman who consume themselves with motherhood...

[Purdy]

I am keen to go through marriage counselling - I honestly don't think it will change my feelings, but believe me I want it to.

 

And yes, I understand that there is the potential for things to end and for me to be highly regretful of that - but there's a part of me that feels like, if that does happen, I would rather her be happy and get the full, unequivocal love that she deserves from another man, regardless of what happens to me.

 

well at least you're not being selfish about it. if you're willing to live with the consequences and let her go then at least you're not leading her on.

 

this is going to be very painful for your family (wife, kids, you). but if you seriously can't see yourself living the rest of your life with her and giving her the love and support she deserves from a husband, then i guess you have your answer.

 

if my husband were saying these things, perhaps it would be easier for me. the fact that he still wants to sleep with me is strange but that's my story and not relevant here.

[jackhammer84]

this is in many ways what i'm dealing with in regards to my spouse. i can't understand when someone has it all but it's not good enough.

 

can you expand on what it is that you're looking for, or need that's not being met? you've said she's gained some weight but you still find her beautiful although you're not attracted to her.

 

is it that she is unattractive because she's safe? it's not new and exciting anymore? she doesn't meet your sexual needs? you want someone who doesn't define themselves by motherhood, but lives for other things? did she become unattractive when she became a mom?

 

i've read some men are turned off by woman who consume themselves with motherhood...

 

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar with your spouse - I hope you are doing okay in your situation. I don't fully understand it myself and as I haven't yet been through any kind of counselling this is the first time I've been able to really try to 'unpack' it, so to speak.

 

It's complicated because I don't think she's unattractive - yet I don't feel attracted to her any more. I get that it sounds completely contradictory! She doesn't meet my sexual needs and honestly never really has, but historically I've always loved everything else about our relationship so I have looked past it. She doesn't really consume herself with motherhood - I think she has a good balance in that respect - though I get where you're coming from with that suggestion.

[jackhammer84]

well at least you're not being selfish about it. if you're willing to live with the consequences and let her go then at least you're not leading her on.

 

this is going to be very painful for your family (wife, kids, you). but if you seriously can't see yourself living the rest of your life with her and giving her the love and support she deserves from a husband, then i guess you have your answer.

 

if my husband were saying these things, perhaps it would be easier for me. the fact that he still wants to sleep with me is strange but that's my story and not relevant here.

 

I feel like I have been so selfish in this past year, and that I am being selfish with how I feel right now. But then to an extent I feel like I have been unselfish too, in that for a long time I have hidden my true feelings for the sake of my wife and the kids. I feel like it's a double-edged sword, as letting her go would be selfish to an extent (doing so because of my feelings and not her own) and also unselfish (giving her the chance to find the love that she deserves, regardless of what happens to me). As you say, I honestly feel like I have my answer too - although I do want to try marriage counselling.

 

I don't know what to say with regards to your husband - it certainly sounds like a tricky situation. I know that I feel most guilty when we are intimate, to the point where I have minimised taking the initiative (only to an extent where it would not arouse suspicion). As I said above, I do hope that you both find clarity and a resolution that works for you both, whatever that may be.

[Purdy]

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar with your spouse - I hope you are doing okay in your situation. I don't fully understand it myself and as I haven't yet been through any kind of counselling this is the first time I've been able to really try to 'unpack' it, so to speak.

 

It's complicated because I don't think she's unattractive - yet I don't feel attracted to her any more. I get that it sounds completely contradictory! She doesn't meet my sexual needs and honestly never really has, but historically I've always loved everything else about our relationship so I have looked past it. She doesn't really consume herself with motherhood - I think she has a good balance in that respect - though I get where you're coming from with that suggestion.

 

it's been a struggle, but thanks for the kind words. still, this is your thread so i'm not going to hijack it.

 

ok so maybe it's that you just want something new. i've read even the best marriages divorce because people get bored. perhaps this is what you're experiencing. maybe it's that you did the married, have babies, have a home thing, and you're over it and ready to try something new (with the exception of still being a father as you've said) with someone new. i could be wrong though.

[Purdy]

- although I do want to try marriage counselling.

 

I don't know what to say with regards to your husband - it certainly sounds like a tricky situation. I know that I feel most guilty when we are intimate, to the point where I have minimised taking the initiative (only to an extent where it would not arouse suspicion). As I said above, I do hope that you both find clarity and a resolution that works for you both, whatever that may be.

 

i think it's great you want to try counseling. people are so quick to divorce these days so counseling is a good start in that you don't want to rush into anything. you have to have two partners willing to do counseling, so you have that...or at least i think you do if your wife will go.

 

no worries, my situation is not normal (but what is these days right?) still this is your thread. if you've minimized initiation then i'm sure she will put that piece together once she finds out how you feel. people tend to do that when something goes wrong, looking for answers in the past to help understand the present.