On the right track?

[boltnrun]

Your friends are right.

 

How will you feel as her "friend" when you see her with or see social media pics of her with a new boyfriend?

 

Yes, you'll say "oh, that won't happen! I KNOW her, she's not interested in anyone new! I'd KNOW if that was what she wanted!" And that was said by every guy who was lurking around an ex pretending to be friends while wanting and hoping for reconciliation. It ends up being a nasty and painful surprise.

[SixOfOne]

How will you feel as her "friend" when you see her with or see social media pics of her with a new boyfriend?

 

I have thought of that. I don't want to be around to see that.

[ninjabib]

I don't think it's good for you to remain fake friends with her. She knows how you feel. Time to respectfully make your exit from each others lives. Sorry it sucks but its the only way to move forward and heal.

[SixOfOne]

I don't think it's good for you to remain fake friends with her. She knows how you feel. Time to respectfully make your exit from each others lives. Sorry it sucks but its the only way to move forward and heal.

 

I completely agree. The hard part is the abandonment of hope.

[ninjabib]

You are correct and there is no easy way to face it or right time to do it. The only thing for certain is the quicker you do it the quicker you can get back to happiness.

[reinventmyself]

There really is no motivation for her to reconcile, especially when she can have access to you, on her terms, at a reduced capacity.

 

You've admitted these get together's set you back and you suspect you are helping her wean herself from you slowly. I would listen to that voice.

 

Add in your mention her losing interest due to some possibly neediness on your end. She will lose respect for you if you continue to see her on her terms. She knows how you really feel.

 

For your own sake, I would end the friendly get together's. Tell her that you need to move on and if she ever considers reconciliation, she know where to find you.

 

You'd respect yourself more and so would she.

[SixOfOne]

For your own sake, I would end the friendly get together's. Tell her that you need to move on and if she ever considers reconciliation, she know where to find you.

 

Yes. Thank you. I would do that tonight but she's out of the country for the next three weeks. And I know when I eventually see her face to face it'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have to look her in the eyes when I tell her what has to happen. To tell her in writing would be easier and undoubtedly more articulate, but also extremely cowardly.

[reinventmyself]

Nothing coward about the letter. What better way to get a jump start on your own emotional well being with her gone. Send her a respectful email, wish her well and say goodbye.

 

Don't fool yourself into thinking you need to spend another month of your valuable life waiting to say good bye and move on. If you do. I'll tell you that you're lying to yourself in an attempt to stall.

 

After all, she's moved on and taking care of herself. It's about time you start doing the same

 

if she wants you she knows where you live and she wouldn't have risked losing you to begin with

[SixOfOne]

Yes, I've been lying to myself quite a bit these last few months. I do appreciate your insights.

[reinventmyself]

Yes, I've been lying to myself quite a bit these last few months. I do appreciate your insights.

 

It's ok. We've all done it. Hang in there

[SixOfOne]

Well it’s done. Rather than email her I asked her to stop by on her way home from work. It was cathartic, as we cleared the air of much that was left unsaid during our time together. And I told her I’m still in love with her, that it’s too unhealthy and painful for me to pretend otherwise, and that I couldn’t see her any more as a ‘friend’. I told her that if she ever considered reconciliation, she knows where to find me. She cried, I cried, we hugged, she left. It’s over, and now the world has changed.

 

Re:her being out of the country for three weeks, she leaves in the morning actually.

[ninjabib]

OP it might not feel like it but you've done the right thing and took the first step towards healing. Good on you.

 

I hope you feel better soon. Give yourself a break the next week or 2. You will be up and down but that's normal.

 

Now you can focus on you. All the best OP.

[reinventmyself]

Well it’s done. Rather than email her I asked her to stop by on her way home from work. It was cathartic, as we cleared the air of much that was left unsaid during our time together. And I told her I’m still in love with her, that it’s too unhealthy and painful for me to pretend otherwise, and that I couldn’t see her any more as a ‘friend’. I told her that if she ever considered reconciliation, she knows where to find me. She cried, I cried, we hugged, she left. It’s over, and now the world has changed.

 

Re:her being out of the country for three weeks, she leaves in the morning actually.

 

You are very brave. Though it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment but you need to give yourself some very much do credit for speaking up on your own behalf. Good on you.

 

I think most people would give their right arm to have their ex leave the country for a few weeks while you immerse yourself into the ugly part of grieving.

 

You'll be ok.

Come here and vent if needed. We're listening.

[SixOfOne]

I was right about this, unfortunately: it was absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

Thank you so much to all of you, for your great advice and your continuing warm and loving encouragement.

[SixOfOne]

So now I’m lying awake in the middle of the night, wondering if I’ve blown the only chance I may have had with her. Wondering why, after making it clear that I hoped for another chance for us someday, her only response was to say ‘I know you do.’ And wondering why I didn’t ask her directly if there was any reason for me to continue hoping, or not. Wondering if it’s too late to ask her that question and still maintain a shred of self-respect, wondering if she even knows the answer herself, and wondering which I fear the most: the truth of a simple yes or no, or the uncertainty of ‘I don’t know’.

[ninjabib]

This is normal OP, the constant thinking and the what ifs going at a 2000mph through your head but they all die down and eventually, without anything having to happen sometimes, time tells us the answers.

[reinventmyself]

Second guessing yourself is pretty text book.

She ended it. She wanted to just be your friend. She knows how you feel and that your wish is to reconcile. Being her friend is to painful because you are still in love with her.

She knows all of this and going back after the fact to basically ask her if shes reaaally sure will only cause you to lose respect for yourself.

You'll second guess yourself some more. Just learn to expect it and ride it out.

[SixOfOne]

Thank you both. I admit that I expected to be doubting myself, but not before the end of the day! It just shatters me that even though she was terribly sad and unhappy that I broke off the 'friendship', she basically said 'OK' and walked out the door without a hint of doubt or hesitation, and without a trace of hope. This was never intended as an ultimatum, but I could never have anticipated the sensation of utter finality as she left. She's obviously so committed to the course she's chosen, even the thought of losing me forever didn't even make her blink. In fact, it left me wondering if I was the one who'd made the mistake by cutting her out of my life, even as just a 'friend'. My mind knows it wasn't a mistake at all, but god my heart is so completely broken, and it's not interested in reason or logic or sensibility or even self-respect. Having said all of that, no I won't be asking her if she's sure. I'm convinced of that already. Or at least my mind is, anyway.

So now my daughter and my friends are all insistent that I eliminate her from my life completely, that I should delete her from my contacts, block her calls and texts and emails, deprive her of any means of reaching out to me. And they all love me and mean well and have my best interests at heart, I know. They all say that she's going to find the dating world to be a wasteland, that she's going to be lonely some night six weeks or four months from now or whenever, that she'll realize what a good thing we had and will eventually get in touch and want to see me again. They worry that when that happens it'll undo the healing that's taken place with me, that I'll be hurt again and have to start all over again. And I can't argue that they're completely wrong. But to eliminate all means of contact is not consistent with my telling her to let me know if she ever considers reconciliation. So they're all frustrated with me for telling them I'm not going to do that, and they're really not happy to hear me say that her reaching out to re-establish connection is exactly what I hope will happen. The possibility of being hurt again is the risk any of us takes for the sake of loving and being loved, so it's a risk I'll gladly face. I'll burn that bridge when and if I get to it.

So how does one handle the fact that the one you love has decided they don't love you, that they're also willing to face risks, the ones that include losing you forever in their quest for someone else? And if some day this loved one discovers that they made a mistake and wants you back, how do you justify their wanting to be with you by default, because it turns out there's actually no one better for them out there? And what if that never happens at all, they find someone and you never see them again? Again, the risks. In my case I see it as something she has to do for herself for whatever her reasons may be; because there were problems in our relationship that she needs to reconcile with time and space and the possibility of completely changing her life? because she's met someone else? because it's the only way she can see to begin again, whether with me or not? I can't know her reasons. All I know is that through all of this, she's done nothing to hurt me intentionally. She's been upfront with me through every step of this agonizing process, whether I liked it or not. So I find that I'm compelled to honor whatever it is she needs to do, and can only hope it leads her back to me some day. So my friends say I'm being blind and naive. Maybe so, but I find it impossible to stop loving her for choosing to follow her heart. But that's my mind talking again; my heart says shut up. So be it.

 

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

[boltnrun]

Your daughter and friends are right.

 

You don't delete her and remove the ability for her to contact you, you will sit and wait.

 

How often are you checking your phone?

[SixOfOne]

Your daughter and friends are right. You don't delete her and remove the ability for her to contact you, you will sit and wait.

 

Well it's like I told them - you may be right, but I don't think so. Anyway, I'll take my chances. She's worth it.

 

But thanks for the warning. :)

[boltnrun]

Well it's like I told them - you may be right, but I don't think so. Anyway, I'll take my chances. She's worth it.

 

But thanks for the warning. :)

 

Well, I hope you don't drag it out.

 

One of my friends has been waiting for her ex to come back since 1994. Not lying.

 

I would hope you will know when to throw in the towel. Probably when you start noticing attractive women again.

[SixOfOne]

I would hope you will know when to throw in the towel. Probably when you start noticing attractive women again.

 

I trust myself to know when, but I'm certain it'll be less than 25 years! 😄 Also, I always notice attractive women, and until the end of this relationship I was with the most attractive woman in the room. Any room.

 

Thanks for your input, truly.

[reinventmyself]

It's easy, from this side to tell you to slam the door, but breaking up is a process that doesnt happen over night.

You'll get there. You made a bold move and are still adjusting to that.

 

Please remember that her decision wasnt made lightly. People that make the decision to end a relationship have been considering and coming to terms with it long before they act on it.

 

Dont let the tears confuse you because not matter what, it is a loss for her too. But not to be confused with wanting to reconcile.

[SixOfOne]

Please remember that her decision wasnt made lightly. People that make the decision to end a relationship have been considering and coming to terms with it long before they act on it.

 

Dont let the tears confuse you because not matter what, it is a loss for her too. But not to be confused with wanting to reconcile.

 

Oh I know that's right. I'd been feeling something was wrong for months. Her father had died right around the time I first felt things going sideways (March '19), and I attributed the new off-centered nature of things to her grief and depression, which very well may have been the case, as it turns out. In fact yesterday she confirmed that it was around the time of his death that she became depressed and preoccupied with thoughts about the brevity of live and whatnot, and also said yesterday that she had only recently felt the veil of grief lifting from her. Maybe that's why she's now ready to get into the dating world. Anyway, yes this had been in the works for a long time, and I know it was a very difficult thing for her to do, much as it was for me yesterday. Even so it came as quite a shock to me because as I said I saw it as related to the death rather than the relationship (which it partially was, of course) and believed it would improve with time. But grief will have its way.

 

And no I didn't mis-read the tears. There have been no tears from her until yesterday when I told her I wouldn't see her anymore, but they were no different than the tears one might expect from someone who'd just lost their best friend. It was painfully clear, especially since there were also no verbal reassurances of hope or expectation. I immediately felt it was really over, and honestly I doubt she'll ever come back. She's never been one to change her mind about much of anything. Even so, stranger things have happened, so hope lives on.