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My ex and I are dating again after 5-6 weeks of no contact, and we’re both enjoying it and it feels good. But there’s been no physical contact happening, no touching no kissing no nothing. Though we both admit to feeling the attraction, she says she thinks sex would be a bad idea, that it would complicate things, that she’s not ready for a more intimate relationship right now. ‘Right now’? What… just be patient? I can do that. She’s consigned me to the friend zone? Hmmm… I don’t think I can go there. Gentlemen, how would you interpret that? Ladies, what does it mean when you say that? (There’s a very strong possibility that I’m over-thinking this.😄)

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My ex and I are dating again after 5-6 weeks of no contact, and we’re both enjoying it and it feels good. But there’s been no physical contact happening, no touching no kissing no nothing. Though we both admit to feeling the attraction, she says she thinks sex would be a bad idea, that it would complicate things, that she’s not ready for a more intimate relationship right now. ‘Right now’? What… just be patient? I can do that. She’s consigned me to the friend zone? Hmmm… I don’t think I can go there. Gentlemen, how would you interpret that? Ladies, what does it mean when you say that? (There’s a very strong possibility that I’m over-thinking this.😄)

How long have you been back together and what did you break up over in the first place?

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Sorry this is happening. What were the reasons for the breakup? Has any of that been addressed or resolved? Unfortunately it does sound like the friendzone. How did it come about that you're in contact again? Did she contact you? Is she seeing someone?

My ex and I are dating again after 5-6 weeks of no contact. she says she thinks sex would be a bad idea, that it would complicate things, that she’s not ready for a more intimate relationship right now. ‘Right now’?
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Why did you break up in the first place?

 

Getting back together means you have some work to do to reset the relationship so to speak. Sort out whatever went wrong the first go around. This means that you can't just jump back into things like nothing ever happened.

 

Sounds like you are focusing on sex when you really need to be focusing on the relationship part of it, on the connection and fixing what was broken, what were the issues that lead to the break up.

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We’ve ‘been back together’ for only three weeks. She broke up with me because I made our relationship the focus of my being, her life became my life, I lost my identity and disappeared. I became needy and clingy and fearful, and there was nothing left of the man she fell in love with. I get it. So I’ve used this time to work on myself. I’ve come a long way and still have far to go, and there’s no turning back regardless of how things go with us.

We’re just getting to the point of talking openly in hopes of resolving these issues. She contacted me first after no contact, and no she’s not seeing anyone else. (Yes I’m sure.)

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We’ve ‘been back together’ for only three weeks. She broke up with me because I made our relationship the focus of my being, her life became my life, I lost my identity and disappeared. I became needy and clingy and fearful, and there was nothing left of the man she fell in love with. I get it. So I’ve used this time to work on myself. I’ve come a long way and still have far to go, and there’s no turning back regardless of how things go with us.

We’re just getting to the point of talking openly in hopes of resolving these issues. She contacted me first after no contact, and no she’s not seeing anyone else. (Yes I’m sure.)

 

So you are technically not back together.

Then it makes sense she doesn't want sex with you while you two are still negotiating the terms of the reconciliation.

If your selfless intensity is the cause of break up then it would be in your best interest to chill out with wondering how long until you have sex with her again.

. . that is of course if you really do love her and want to get back together.

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Ok consider this "just talking" for now. However keep in mind if you still care and she's in 'let's be friends' mode you could get hurt again. Pull back, make sure you give her lots of room to breathe.

I agree on both points. These are the first baby steps on a long road.
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Ok consider this "just talking" for now. However keep in mind if you still care and she's in 'let's be friends' mode you could get hurt again. Pull back, make sure you give her lots of room to breathe.

Oh I’ve considered that. And giving room to breath has become my specialty.

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You may be slipping into unhealthy patterns again seeking validation where it's not (yet) appropriate to do so. If you've had a pattern of seeking validation constantly from a partner it shifts the burden maintaining the security and stability of that relationship predominantly to one person. It could be the reason why she's felt drained in the past and hesitant to commit to the future.

 

It may help you to recognize when certain personalities and situations are not healthy for you. If you do seek validation quite a lot, it may be an indicator that your situations are cyclical and unhealthy. Your thought patterns will help shed some light on this and the way you feel.

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You may be slipping into unhealthy patterns again seeking validation where it's not (yet) appropriate to do so. If you've had a pattern of seeking validation constantly from a partner it shifts the burden maintaining the security and stability of that relationship predominantly to one person. It could be the reason why she's felt drained in the past and hesitant to commit to the future.

 

It may help you to recognize when certain personalities and situations are not healthy for you. If you do seek validation quite a lot, it may be an indicator that your situations are cyclical and unhealthy. Your thought patterns will help shed some light on this and the way you feel.

And this is why I’m seeing a phycologist. Because yes.

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Serious permanent change takes a minimum of a year to really take root, not a measly few weeks. So please don't kid anyone about what great strides you've made. You are already off course and diving in too deep, putting the cart well before the horse and over thinking. You are already falling off your "changed man" wagon as anxiety about what this is is taking you over.

 

So given all that, she is 1000% correct to be taking this slow and really taking her time to see if you can manage actual change. She didn't came back to friend zone you buddy, she came back to see if the break up was enough of a wake up call for you to take things seriously and get a better grip on yourself. So....what's it going to be? Are you going to get fixated on sex and start pressuring her about it or work on yourself and show her you can have a life outside of the relationship, take the time necessary to show her you can do this consistently and take whatever time is necessary to reset things between you? I think this is your call right now. She is just watching.

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Serious permanent change takes a minimum of a year to really take root, not a measly few weeks. So please don't kid anyone about what great strides you've made. You are already off course and diving in too deep, putting the cart well before the horse and over thinking. You are already falling off your "changed man" wagon as anxiety about what this is is taking you over.

 

So given all that, she is 1000% correct to be taking this slow and really taking her time to see if you can manage actual change. She didn't came back to friend zone you buddy, she came back to see if the break up was enough of a wake up call for you to take things seriously and get a better grip on yourself. So....what's it going to be? Are you going to get fixated on sex and start pressuring her about it or work on yourself and show her you can have a life outside of the relationship, take the time necessary to show her you can do this consistently and take whatever time is necessary to reset things between you? I think this is your call right now. She is just watching.

 

You’re right on target, but I have to say there’s been no pressure for sex. And if there has, it’s been completely mutual. Her one time, me the next… etc.

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You’re right on target, but I have to say there’s been no pressure for sex. And if there has, it’s been completely mutual. Her one time, me the next… etc.

 

I realize that for now there hasn't been.....but it's on your mind and eating at you, so you are posting here.....so it's only a matter of time before it eats at you enough that it starts to come out to her as well. So that's where I'm saying get a serious grip on that and focus on the more important things. She is actually right to step back and see how things go with you and to take it slowly. You need to develop a healthier relationship before you can introduce intimacy into the mix. I don't meant that she is withholding intentionally, just to be clear. I think she is literally taking it very slowly, seeing IF a healthy friendship, a healthy connection, a healthy relationship is even possible or if you are just going to fall right into same old patterns of neediness. Three weeks of some few dates is a very short time....yet you are already revving for more......soooo......not good.

 

It's a marathon, not a sprint. If you are working with a psychiatrist, then address your anxiety and instability. It's coming across in your posts....I guarantee you it's coming across loud and clear in real life even more so. Breathe, slow down, breathe. Change your focus.

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I realize that for now there hasn't been.....but it's on your mind and eating at you, so you are posting here.....so it's only a matter of time before it eats at you enough that it starts to come out to her as well. So that's where I'm saying get a serious grip on that and focus on the more important things. She is actually right to step back and see how things go with you and to take it slowly. You need to develop a healthier relationship before you can introduce intimacy into the mix. I don't meant that she is withholding intentionally, just to be clear. I think she is literally taking it very slowly, seeing IF a healthy friendship, a healthy connection, a healthy relationship is even possible or if you are just going to fall right into same old patterns of neediness. Three weeks of some few dates is a very short time....yet you are already revving for more......soooo......not good.

 

It's a marathon, not a sprint. If you are working with a psychiatrist, then address your anxiety and instability. It's coming across in your posts....I guarantee you it's coming across loud and clear in real life even more so. Breathe, slow down, breathe. Change your focus.

Thank you. Seriously.
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What's the big hurry? Don't give your ex the impression that you're a sex fiend. Be patient for however long it takes. Give her respect because this is what true love is.

 

After NC, she wants to reestablish friendship and a relationship with you so give it a lot of time otherwise you will push her away and she will leave you permanently. Which scenario do you want?

 

She's testing what type of person you are and whether or not you're a keeper. If you fail, you will lose. Tread lightly and be on your best behavior always. Be smart.

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My ex and I are dating again after 5-6 weeks of no contact, and we’re both enjoying it and it feels good. But there’s been no physical contact happening, no touching no kissing no nothing. Though we both admit to feeling the attraction, she says she thinks sex would be a bad idea, that it would complicate things, that she’s not ready for a more intimate relationship right now. ‘Right now’? What… just be patient? I can do that. She’s consigned me to the friend zone? Hmmm… I don’t think I can go there. Gentlemen, how would you interpret that? Ladies, what does it mean when you say that? (There’s a very strong possibility that I’m over-thinking this.😄)

 

Hate to break it to ya, but if there is no physical contact at all, not even kissing or touching, you're not dating.

 

You have a nice comfortable friendship.

 

I can understand her wanting to hold back on sex, but the thing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship is physical attraction and contact.

 

If she won't allow even kissing or any sort of touching, then it's a friendship, at least right now.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was going to start a new post but didn’t want to have to repeat all the details. Update: my ex and I continue to see one another every week or two, always as friends only. We’re both terrible communicators, and neither of us has broached the subject of what’s going on here. I have no idea of what goes on in her heart and in her head, but the last time she expressed herself to me it was to say that she wants friendship only. So I have to go with that.

 

But I’m finding this to be very difficult for me. After two weeks or so of not seeing her or communicating with her, I again start to feel that I’m healing. My confidence and strength return and I feel good about life and the future. Then after seeing her, being with her, watching her leave again for who knows how long, I’m blasted and unsteady and feel I have to start all over again.

 

My behavior during our relationship was just atrocious at times. I was needy and fearful and desperate, and I now completely understand why she lost attraction for me and interest in me. But I’m working to change whatever it is in me that fosters that behavior. I’m seeing a phycologist, going back to school, looking for a job etc etc and all the things people do to build a life outside of a relationship. I don’t claim to be a changed man, but I’m definitely a changing man. I feel it’s crucial to my future relationships, regardless of how this all shakes out with her.

 

A lot was said in response to my reference about sex in my original post. This is not about sex. It’s about having hope for reconciliation, for starting again with a fresh slate, for building a healthy and sustainable relationship. If sex is included in that, well great. But none of these hopes can be realized with things as they are, with us being friends only.

 

I feel that her wanting to remain friends and continue seeing me as a friend is her way, consciously or not, of making it easier and less painful for her to ease out of this relationship and

move on without me in her life. Regardless of whether that’s true or not, one thing that’s certain is that for us to continue on this path is definitely not less painful for me. I’m in love with her, and seeing her as a friend, without hope for the future, is devastating.

 

My friends tell me to let go of the hope that she’ll ever change her mind, that things will ever be different. They tell me she’s being selfish, that she’s using me to assuage her loneliness, that I should make it clear to her that I can’t and won’t continue with her this way. They tell me to break it off and walk away forever. The very thought of having that conversation with her is daunting, to say the least. Perhaps it’s still a matter of allowing fear to guide me, but I believe that telling her this would end it for good.

 

So I wonder if I should retain my hope, be patient and allow this to run its own course. She’s leaving the country for three weeks soon, so maybe an extended time of NC will help me clear my head and see the right way to go.

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