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Why do guys text after no contact for months?


Laluna14
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Hi all,

 

Hoping you can help me with some advice. A few months ago I decided to try online dating again. I went on two "first meetings", don't want to call them dates as to me it was just a meeting to see if there was mutual attraction or interest.

 

The first one we met at a local beach and went for a really nice long walk. We went to a market and watched a busker/magician act which was really funny then walked back. It was very pleasant. We talked about how we both like hiking and at the end agreed we would meet up again and go on a hike together this summer. I think this was maybe in May. After our exchange on the evening of the date talking about hikes we might do, I never heard from him again. I didn't bother to follow up because I wasn't really certain if there was a connection or not. I was willing to go on another meeting/date to see but didn't pursue it as he clearly wasn't interested.

 

The second one we met at patio and had a drink/appetizer. During that time he mentioned he has a lot of food allergies and doesn't drink. I don't think that has to be a deal breaker but I am a big foodie and enjoy food and drinks. We went for ice cream (gluten and dairy free for him!) after and had a good talk. At the end of the night he texted me and said he'd like to meet up again and I agreed. Again, after that, nothing. I just let it go because I wasn't too sure about the connection myself.

 

I've been ghosted so many times now that I don't really have the energy to follow up if I didn't feel immediate sparks but wonder if I am being too picky. I figure if a guy just never texts you back, why bother to follow up? But the again, I've been single for a long time so I don't really know the "rules" of dating.

 

Anyway, it's been at least three or four months and suddenly this week I get a text from both these guys, saying sorry for the long absence and asking how am I and would I like to meet up again. What?? Am I the only one that thinks this is weird? I have a feeling maybe they were pursuing other women and that ended so they are looking at back up plans? Or maybe something happened in their lives, who knows. I don't want to judge but to me months of silence like that doesn't bode well. What do you think, should I give them a chance? I think I at least want to write and ask what happened but I don't really know if I want to go on a date with either of them again. I don't want to be rude either but... What would you do?

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Anyway, it's been at least three or four months and suddenly this week I get a text from both these guys, saying sorry for the long absence and asking how am I and would I like to meet up again. What?? Am I the only one that thinks this is weird? I have a feeling maybe they were pursuing other women and that ended so they are looking at back up plans? ?

^^ this

Other than a terminal illness what else can it be?

 

They found momentum with someone else,(which is perfectly fine) but it fell through and now they dial back to past contacts.

 

I'd like to think there are those few occasions, that they might have had a genuine interest and maybe they reconciled with an ex. That has absolutely nothing to do with me.

 

But either way, they risked letting me go or they weren't available to begin with.

Neither scenario motivates me to entertain the idea of talking to them.

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Please don't ask them to explain their absence or even mention it. It's likely they were going out on other meet-ups. So what? That's what online dating is about. As far as they know, you were going on other dates as well.

 

If you enjoyed their company, then go on a date with them (separately :)) If they tell you they'd like to see you again, then nail down a specific time and activity.

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It's called a dry spell. They've literally run out of better options, are bored and are essentially recycling.... Not very flattering to you to say the least. Just say "thanks but no thanks."

 

Bottom line is neither of you felt a spark, so best to keep looking. Don't respond out of desperation....which is what they are hoping for to be honest. Typically these types of guys see themselves as players, will send that same message to who knows how many women hoping that at least one is desperate enough to respond and hey maybe they'll get lucky and get laid. Again, not flattering for you and not a set up for anything you are looking for.

 

On a side note, you aren't being too picky. Dating and trying to find the right person is a lot like looking for a needle in the haystack. If you feel burnt out, better take a break from it, focus on yourself, your interests, hobbies, friends, etc. If you go out and do other things, maybe join co-ed sports or something, you might end up meeting a great guy that way - while you are out and about doing things you like and not necessarily focusing on dating. Besides, you are liable to meet someone who is like minded, more into same things you are. It helps.

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I think you're a bit too serious with yourself. It's early days. Loosen up a little. Take some time to yourself. Your chemistry in general may be a little off. If you like hiking, why are you waiting to hike with this guy? Shouldn't you be hiking anyway? Find another dude to hike with.

 

Don't get lost in the dating part. It's ok to feel disillusioned a bit but dig yourself out of there and get out of the woe is me state and definitely don't bring yourself down just because they replied late. Learn to laugh it off. I like to call these reactions tube lights.

 

I wouldn't think much of the long absence or double think it. I think at this point you should have seen other dates or enjoyed the summer hiking and exploring new food venues if that's your thing.

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Online dating is a funny thing...

 

I kind of had a bit of the reverse thing happen to me. I was doing some online dating and I was talking to multiple guys. Why? Because that’s what you do. You don’t want to put too many eggs in one basket or get too excited about different guys because... you know... this one will flake, you’ll meet that one and the chemistry is off, you meet the other one and you’re not sure, or maybe they aren’t sure of you, etc.

 

Well - a new guy messaged me after I had been on 2 dates with someone. I was talking to him and I truly enjoyed his company. We talked for about a week. We had so much in common, etc - but - I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was also feeling it with the first guy.

 

The problem with online dating is that at some point you have to commit. You have to just pick one, put the others down and see where it goes. Otherwise, you can be online forever.

 

So - that’s what I did. I was super honest and told the 2nd guy about my situation and assured him that I was genuinely feeling our connection - but I felt I needed to get off the roller coaster to see where it went with guy #1. He said he understood and wished me the best.

 

Well... it did not work out with guy #1.

 

A few months later, I signed back up to the site and guy #2 messaged me. “Hey! You are back! I was looking at your profile and I wasn’t sure if I should message you or not - so I decided to just go for it. I hope all is well! Let me know if you want to chat!”

 

Anyways - I reconnected with guy #2, he asked me on a date almost immediately so it wouldn’t happen again (lol!) and we ended up dating for almost 2 years.

 

I genuinely meant it when I said I was feeling him. I was. But... yanno... sometimes you have to pick someone and go with it.

 

I say - if you were feeling those guys - go on another date. I don’t think we have to take everything so personally. Online dating is a weird way to meet people and it’s like a buffet. Just don’t get your hopes up too high. But I really don’t see the harm. They remembered you for a reason? Maybe it was just bad timing.

 

Personally, I dunno, I think it would be a shame to let ego get in the way. Go. Have fun. Don’t overthink or overinvest. That’s what dating is supposed to be about.

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When you feel a connection with someone, you will know.

 

These guys are bored or yea dry spell.. They're probably thinking if you are in the same head space like them, maybe you won't mind hanging out again.

 

If you are young, I say go and enjoy yourself. Life's too short to take their long silence personal because bottomline -its dating.

 

If you are pass that stage where you are done wasting time on dead-ends, then I will just send a kind text to decline their invitation.

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They're treating you as if you're on continual standby mode which I wouldn't appreciate if I were you. Then again, I'm not you either.

 

It sounds like you didn't have any sparks with either one of them. Neither one of them felt special to you and you felt rather "blah" regarding their dates and their personalities.

 

It sounds also like they were shopping around and eventually came back to you. Well, you should shop around, too.

 

If you have nothing better to do, go out with them and let that final decision be it for you for both of them. If you're not desperate and prefer not to bother, then politely decline both of them. You don't have to be rude. You can remain polite whether you accept or decline. Ignoring or ghosting are worse and that's extremely rude.

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Hi all,

 

Hoping you can help me with some advice. A few months ago I decided to try online dating again. I went on two "first meetings", don't want to call them dates as to me it was just a meeting to see if there was mutual attraction or interest.

 

The first one we met at a local beach and went for a really nice long walk. We went to a market and watched a busker/magician act which was really funny then walked back. It was very pleasant. We talked about how we both like hiking and at the end agreed we would meet up again and go on a hike together this summer. I think this was maybe in May. After our exchange on the evening of the date talking about hikes we might do, I never heard from him again. I didn't bother to follow up because I wasn't really certain if there was a connection or not. I was willing to go on another meeting/date to see but didn't pursue it as he clearly wasn't interested.

 

The second one we met at patio and had a drink/appetizer. During that time he mentioned he has a lot of food allergies and doesn't drink. I don't think that has to be a deal breaker but I am a big foodie and enjoy food and drinks. We went for ice cream (gluten and dairy free for him!) after and had a good talk. At the end of the night he texted me and said he'd like to meet up again and I agreed. Again, after that, nothing. I just let it go because I wasn't too sure about the connection myself.

 

I've been ghosted so many times now that I don't really have the energy to follow up if I didn't feel immediate sparks but wonder if I am being too picky. I figure if a guy just never texts you back, why bother to follow up? But the again, I've been single for a long time so I don't really know the "rules" of dating.

 

Anyway, it's been at least three or four months and suddenly this week I get a text from both these guys, saying sorry for the long absence and asking how am I and would I like to meet up again. What?? Am I the only one that thinks this is weird? I have a feeling maybe they were pursuing other women and that ended so they are looking at back up plans? Or maybe something happened in their lives, who knows. I don't want to judge but to me months of silence like that doesn't bode well. What do you think, should I give them a chance? I think I at least want to write and ask what happened but I don't really know if I want to go on a date with either of them again. I don't want to be rude either but... What would you do?

 

I like the way you started with the language of "meetings" versus "dates". That's exactly right. Unless two people are on the same page, it's not a date. Next, I wouldn't even spend 1 second of my time on these people. Unless they got arrested and went to prison for whatever number of months and are now out, there is no reason they should even be messaging you in the first place. Let's call it what it is - they threw you away, it ends right there. Why would anyone possibly give someone a second chance after being thrown away? You know how many people circulate in the dating world, or meeting world I should say? People meet and throw each other away like nothing, so why continue with a bad start when you can start fresh with someone else? To me, it's a cut and dry case, life is too short to be put down like that and ask for a second helping.

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Next, I wouldn't even spend 1 second of my time on these people. Unless they got arrested and went to prison for whatever number of months and are now out, there is no reason they should even be messaging you in the first place.

 

Haha if that happened that’s even more Of a reason not to reply lol!

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After one meet, keep in mind people are meeting others, just as you are. You were not in a relationship with them after one date. No need to lecture about ghosting or back burners after one meet. Why interrogate either of them?

 

It's simple. If you liked them reply, if not say no thanks. It sounds like you gave off an aloof and indifferent vibe on theses dates. You can ask where were you, what happened etc, but that sounds a bit desperate.

Anyway, it's been at least three or four months and suddenly this week I get a text from both these guys, saying sorry for the long absence and asking how am I and would I like to meet up again. I think I at least want to write and ask what happened but I don't really know if I want to go on a date with either of them again.

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I wouldn't bother responding to either of them.

 

Their other options dried up so they came looking for you again, which doesn't suggest much genuine interest on their part. I would take a hard pass and entertain other options who are more consistent about keeping in touch and seeing you.

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. . . I don't really know if I want to go on a date with either of them again. I don't want to be rude either but... What would you do?

 

It would depend on my mood at the time. If I was feeling spunky I'd probably respond with a "who is this???" text. And in reality after four months I really wouldn't remember who it was.

 

Most likely I wouldn't respond at all especially if I had the I don't really know if I want to go on a date with either of them again mindset. They're underwhelmed, you're underwhelmed, pass.

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This happens. I've had this happen multiple times. I would say that probably it was because they were seeing other people, and when these didn't pan out, they circled back around. He could have been met with financial constraints that precluded spending money on dating. Life could have gotten busy with work, kids, family, etc. Maybe they got cold feet, feeling suddenly scared at their feelings. Who knows? Probably the reality is, there were other woman, which is fine, this is what dating is all about, and on apps, you meet multiple people. You yourself didn't capture any major chemistry, and sometimes these things can be a slow start. You think, let's give it another date or two to see if any sparks fly, but they moved in another direction because they didn't feel those big sparks either, or maybe they felt your resistance.

 

I think it's very interesting how these things tend to happen in clusters. You hit a dry spell and then all of a sudden you have two or three guys coming out of the woodwork, maybe more. What's up with that?! Both of them circled back around at the same time?

 

I don't think it would hurt to go out again and see what happens, but you seem more or less nonplussed with both of them, so I kinda wonder, what's the point? Your ability to connect could be clouded by the idea that you were either back-burnered or not important enough for a heads up..."I'm covering shifts for a sick coworker". You won't know unless you try, and if either one seems like there could be something more, it could be worth another try. I guess what I'm saying is, at the end of the day, it won't kill you to get out for the evening and enjoy some drinks and food and company, and if the sparks aren't there, you can move on. If you think you might look back and think "what if", then eliminate that and give it one more try.

 

If you enjoyed their company, then go on a date with them (separately :))
LOL!
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I'm not a guy, but I messaged one a few days ago after meeting up for the first time a couple months back. We both messaged a little bit in between and tried to meet up, but weren't too eager.

I liked him, and there was definitely chemistry, but not too many sparks, and we both were a little aloof.

The reason I decided to message him again was my ex that started reminding me of his existence, yet he is in a relationship, so I needed a quick distraction. I also do think that something could potentially grow with this new guy if we stay in contact and stars align. I will be perfectly fine if we go our separate ways, too.

 

So, from my experience, I would only listen to my feelings and try not to judge them on the months of silence, they might have thought you were not interested, but decided to brave up and give it a shot anyway (after not finding anyone else). I also think it's perfectly fine to ask them why they suddenly reappeared. I would either ask directly or as a joke, stating that I was waiting all this time.

 

Having said that, if you're not interested in either of them and was just curious about their motivation, it could be anything, but there must be something about you that they remembered and wanted to potentially explore the connection.

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I recently had my ex message me after no contact. As exciting as it may sound, most of the time theres no good intentions...I was dumped

 

My ex would text me because he wanted to see where I'm at emotionally in terms of our break up...

 

He wanted to see if I was still available to him if his other situation didn't work out...

 

No contact longer than a week doesn't work. If someone wants to talk to you they'll make effort. If he's able to cut you out of his life in that large span of time without reaching out, you know where you stand.

 

No contact basically works 2/10 times

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