I Want to be Good Enough for Him

[Rose Mosse]

This is wonderful advice. Thank you, Katrina, for sharing these ideas. That's some nice savings!

[boltnrun]

I'm very familiar with Vegas. It isn't just either a super nice neighborhood or a war zone ghetto. There is a middle class. Rents range from $750 monthly for a small one bedroom to however much you want to spend.

 

The biggest disadvantage is when you have pets. You do have those additional fees and "pet rent".

 

I used a roommate service and found many, many people who are renting out rooms in their houses and have yards to accommodate pets.

 

Going the "easy" route often ends up causing more issues than the initial problem.

[bluecastle]

Talking things out is good! That's why we're all here, so I hope you stick around.

 

I didn't get the impression, reading your initial post, that the housing situation was as dire and stressful as it has come to sound in this thread. It was a bit of a throwaway until we pounced, and I wonder, when you wrote your post, if you were all in all pretty confident that you could figure that out.

 

What you weren't so confident about is whether you were "good enough" for the World's Greatest Man, which I still think is the more concerning dynamic here. I think it's an extension of a deep lack of self-confidence, combined with some deep yearnings, that make you prone to getting worked up and twisted around by relatively minor snags—and to trying to "solve" these snags (raised rents, inner loneliness, etc.) in ways that makes them worse, snaggier, intertwined where they needn't be.

 

The housing? I just Googled "best, safest places to live in Vegas." Threw some of those into Craigslist with the "dogs okay" option checked. Plenty of rooms in the $300-$400 range came up, people looking for fellow graduate students and young professionals. That took 20 seconds. In your shoes—and I've been in them, and in ways just exist in them, since I'm an adult—that would provide an immediate sense of confidence. Viable options. Exhale. Shelter conundrum solved, space to explore new romance without it being a conundrum.

 

Win-win.

 

Maybe not the "perfect" spots, I know, but maybe more perfect than turning an early romance into a landlord/tenant situation? Spots that compliment who you actually are, at this juncture in your journey, rather than spots that represent some aspirational sense of self, a shortcut to becoming the Better You at the expense of the True You? These aspirational short cuts seem to get you spinning out pretty hard, pretty fast.

 

Aspirations are great to have, of course, be they connected to the heart or to the credit score. I've built my life on entertaining some wild fantasies; that's my basic engine. What I've found is that the biggest of dreams are best realized through patience and practical means—small steps that keep your feet on the ground as the head wanders into the clouds.

 

Coming of age in New York? My rent once went up $650 when I was 21. I took a second job, moved to a neighborhood I had never considered living in, until life made me consider it, and do it. At 31 my landlord kicked me out of an apartment so he could move in with his family. So, again, I was off to a new hood, since the artsy types like me had paved the way for the finance types to take over the hood and price us out. This year, at 39, my property taxes went up on one of my homes by $2500, as did my flood insurance. So I figured that out with some small steps, the same steps I've been taking since I was younger than you. None of that is remarkable. It's the story of everyone I know, with different variables.

 

Throughout all that? There were women, crushes, relationships, promising starts that sputtered out. Always wanted to keep that drama separate from the drama of living, so the two could be dealt with rather than feeding off each other and turning me into an emotional pretzel. Which is what I did, do. It's doable. It's a thing many people do, a thing you can do. There is a place where it can all be very thrilling without being dramatic.

 

Not every choice we make is glamorous, life-changing. That's okay. Some are pretty mundane, practical. But it's the practical stuff that allows space for the whimsical stuff. Without the former the latter becomes a tornado, and being grounded and feeling grounded is always out of reach. If you're not careful that feeling of groundlessness becomes the default, even a comfort zone, and you'll be prone, without even realizing it, to be looking for security in insecure places and people.

 

How I look at early romance? Some of what you feel now is great, some of it not so great, all of it too new to put too much stock in. Acknowledge all that. If in six months the great stuff is still there and the not so great stuff has dissolved—well, really great. Means the whimsy has given way to roots you can trust a bit more to take a step without wobbling. And so on.

 

I like what K said: live for you, not for others. Give that sentence some real thought, let it seep in.

[katrina1980]

This is wonderful advice. Thank you, Katrina, for sharing these ideas. That's some nice savings!

 

Thanks Rose :).

 

One thing I do re the groceries is buy in bulk and freezing.

 

Being single I never thought of doing that but I save a lot that way!

 

And I buy generic brands, they're equally as good as named brand.

 

CF if you did just that, you could easily save that $75 per week you need to make up for the increase in rent, it's approx $11.00 per day!

[katrina1980]

How did this go from "just met a guy, over the moon" to live in a ghetto, can't save money, mother is toxic, guy offered me cheap room/board?

 

Great question Mr. Wise, but this happens often from what I've seen, in my time on this forum.

 

Thread starts out being about one thing, but ends up being about another.

 

This guy and OP's current infatuation with him is not atypical, I've been known to be over the moon about certain men too when in that infatuation stage.

 

Doesn't last, not to be negative but this won't either.

 

Anyway, her seeing him as some sort of God whom she is unworthy of is simply a 'symptom' of a much larger 'disease' imo.

 

So is the fact she's in such turmoil about her rent and finances.

 

It's all related; OP if you are not in therapy, I strongly suggest it, I think what's going on within you is much deeper and more complex than any of us can truly help you with..

 

I'm sorry and good luck. xx

[abitbroken]

Great question Mr. Wise, but this happens often from what I've seen, in my time on this forum.

 

Thread starts out being about one thing, but ends up being about another.

 

T

 

To me, it seems they go that way when an OP does't get the answer they want. They pile on new info to make things look sooo negative so we will side with them.

[abitbroken]

This is EXCELLENT - please read it twice.

 

I think living as a second, or third, or fourth person with grad students, etc, is a very good thing to consider. Even if you only do it for a year. Under 30 is the time to do it.

 

Talking things out is good! That's why we're all here, so I hope you stick around.

 

I didn't get the impression, reading your initial post, that the housing situation was as dire and stressful as it has come to sound in this thread. It was a bit of a throwaway until we pounced, and I wonder, when you wrote your post, if you were all in all pretty confident that you could figure that out.

 

What you weren't so confident about is whether you were "good enough" for the World's Greatest Man, which I still think is the more concerning dynamic here. I think it's an extension of a deep lack of self-confidence, combined with some deep yearnings, that make you prone to getting worked up and twisted around by relatively minor snags—and to trying to "solve" these snags (raised rents, inner loneliness, etc.) in ways that makes them worse, snaggier, intertwined where they needn't be.

 

The housing? I just Googled "best, safest places to live in Vegas." Threw some of those into Craigslist with the "dogs okay" option checked. Plenty of rooms in the $300-$400 range came up, people looking for fellow graduate students and young professionals. That took 20 seconds. In your shoes—and I've been in them, and in ways just exist in them, since I'm an adult—that would provide an immediate sense of confidence. Viable options. Exhale. Shelter conundrum solved, space to explore new romance without it being a conundrum.

 

Win-win.

 

Maybe not the "perfect" spots, I know, but maybe more perfect than turning an early romance into a landlord/tenant situation? Spots that compliment who you actually are, at this juncture in your journey, rather than spots that represent some aspirational sense of self, a shortcut to becoming the Better You at the expense of the True You? These aspirational short cuts seem to get you spinning out pretty hard, pretty fast.

 

Aspirations are great to have, of course, be they connected to the heart or to the credit score. I've built my life on entertaining some wild fantasies; that's my basic engine. What I've found is that the biggest of dreams are best realized through patience and practical means—small steps that keep your feet on the ground as the head wanders into the clouds.

 

Coming of age in New York? My rent once went up $650 when I was 21. I took a second job, moved to a neighborhood I had never considered living in, until life made me consider it, and do it. At 31 my landlord kicked me out of an apartment so he could move in with his family. So, again, I was off to a new hood, since the artsy types like me had paved the way for the finance types to take over the hood and price us out. This year, at 39, my property taxes went up on one of my homes by $2500, as did my flood insurance. So I figured that out with some small steps, the same steps I've been taking since I was younger than you. None of that is remarkable. It's the story of everyone I know, with different variables.

 

Throughout all that? There were women, crushes, relationships, promising starts that sputtered out. Always wanted to keep that drama separate from the drama of living, so the two could be dealt with rather than feeding off each other and turning me into an emotional pretzel. Which is what I did, do. It's doable. It's a thing many people do, a thing you can do. There is a place where it can all be very thrilling without being dramatic.

 

Not every choice we make is glamorous, life-changing. That's okay. Some are pretty mundane, practical. But it's the practical stuff that allows space for the whimsical stuff. Without the former the latter becomes a tornado, and being grounded and feeling grounded is always out of reach. If you're not careful that feeling of groundlessness becomes the default, even a comfort zone, and you'll be prone, without even realizing it, to be looking for security in insecure places and people.

 

How I look at early romance? Some of what you feel now is great, some of it not so great, all of it too new to put too much stock in. Acknowledge all that. If in six months the great stuff is still there and the not so great stuff has dissolved—well, really great. Means the whimsy has given way to roots you can trust a bit more to take a step without wobbling. And so on.

 

I like what K said: live for you, not for others. Give that sentence some real thought, let it seep in.

[abitbroken]

I have had my dog for 13 years. I rescued him when he was a puppy. I can't just let him go. I am not sure if mom is willing to take care of him. She fusses when I ask her to watch him for a day. My last job was extremely toxic, I would not have left a good paying job if I was not miserable. This all happened around the time my rent went up YET AGAIN. They are tough choices, but my dog is my baby.

 

There are plenty of roommate situations that allow a small dog - as long as the dog is crated in your room when you are not home. Also, if they get to meet the dog. The only concern with a small dog is if its housebroken. But other than that, there are plenty of places - a larger dog could be more of an issue, but if you have a small poodle, etc. Heck, i found two apartments ago because i asked the landlord if they would accept a dog. I brought my dog to my meeting with my landlord so they could see it was a nice dog. And at the time, my dog was a senior, too which told my landlord the carpet wouldn't be chewed by a puppy. The landlord didn't advertise pets but did tell me they did it so they could be selective and not have someone mad because they insisted on bringing their water monitor and 12 dogs.

 

I also found another situation with an older woman who was a widow. Actually, this is common in England where they are placing young woman and older women together -- the older woman who is a senior citizen has someone to talk to and doesn't feel so alone and the young person has a nice place to live and to learn from.

[Wiseman2]

Keep in mind that many prince charmings turn into prince alarmings once the novelty wears off and you get to see who they really are.

He's thoughtful and considerate and he keeps me in mind on his grocery visits and makes sure I'm comfortable any time I come over. I mean the list goes on as to why I find him delightfully wonderful. This man is offering me a separate room.

[Rose Mosse]

I had a different read on the matter and it's pretty simple for me (all these issues are related - there is no off-tracking here or distractions from the main topic). It is ON topic. I think the rental situation is an issue and it was difficult to talk about (no one wants to talk money matters and it's a touchy subject). There were overtones also related to improving savings and credit that are, in turn, also directly related to the large increase in her rental. This person she's just met had implications of helping to improve her personal/financial situation. He wasn't operating in her life in an exclusively romantic way. That's where the lines blurred and that's where those difficult conversations about lifestyle comes into play. I don't think any of it is mutually exclusive. They are related and have resulted in the question of whether she can measure up to this new person she has just met.

 

I think her relationships with men in general (and probably with herself) would be improved if she is able to sort out her priorities a bit better and improve her relationships with her family and her finances.

[saluk]

Find a better roommate than your mom, and one that is not likely to make things awkward when/if you stop dating them. I don't know about your area, but in mine there are constantly people looking for roommates. Our options are usually not as limited as our closed minds make them seem. The fish can't imagine land and all that.

 

Oh, and keep dating the hunk if you think it's going well. More power to you. Just don't get too far ahead of yourself.

 

And you've got to figure out how to see yourself the way you hope these men see you. Rather than trying to become someone who is worthy to be seen that way. You're already worthy. Don't listen to your negative self talk. I wonder how much of that comes from your mother (psyche 101 - warning: see someone with a license if you want to dig into that deeper)

[Jibralta]

He told me that he was looking for a roommate before I mentioned anything.. and since he heard about my situation he is willing to open up a room. There will be a contract involved. It's very cheap for rent with utilities included. You can't live anywhere for free. He told me that he is well aware of the implications of his offer and he is willing to separate being involved with one another and being roommates.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to move in with someone that you are so infatuated with. What will you do if the relationship fizzles out and he starts bringing other women home?