I Want to be Good Enough for Him

[bluecastle]

I don't know what to say here, Confused, so I'll share my gut thoughts.

 

This post is, in ways, an echo of your "silver fox" post. As with that situation, here you are describing an older man with whom your primary source of connection comes from elevating him to a god-like status as you experience an expanding feeling of worthlessness. I'll quote you back to you: "I want to be good enough for him." "I feel like he could do so much better." "I am trying." "I just can't keep up with him." "I feel like a dullard." "I desperately want things to work."

 

And so on.

 

These are, speaking frankly, generally not the sort of sentiments expressed by someone who is emotionally healthy and enjoying a healthy romantic dynamic. They are, in ways, the exact opposite. It is worth exploring why you are so turned on by feeling helpless in the shadow of a man. Or, to quote myself back to you, from the days of the silver fox: "What you like about this guy is that he makes you feel small, powerless, unimpressive, and without much of an identity."

 

What, do you think, is up with that?

 

To which I imagine your gut response is to set me straight, to emphasize that this guy is a good guy. He's handy, he's kind, a champion of female intelligence with a perfect credit score. Not just that—he is into you, so deeply, passionately into you that he has offered you a place to stay. And not just that. No, you are strong, independent, not reliant on men to provide anything for you.

 

Sorry, that's not registering over here. If I, in reading a handful of your posts on this site, can see how weak in the knees and spirit you are, and if he is two percent as intelligent as you believe, then odds are he is well-aware of how wobbly and insignificant you feel right now—in life, in his orbit. So be it consciously or cellularly, he is drawn to that, empowered by you being disempowered. Not so cute, that. Not so mature. Not the noblest thing to "bring to the table." A red flag you are seeing as a warm blanket.

 

Offering you a room? Well, like the others, that just seems odd to me on so many levels. A mature man knows that, 30 days in, he still does not know you. He meanwhile, has presented a situation in which he gets to win on two fronts. He gets the ego-boost of rescuing the damsel from distress (one that further cements your damsel self-identity) and he gets to live more cheaply (keeping that credit score polished and reinforcing his identity as a god who has figured out life).

 

There are a multitude of options between buying a gun and becoming a sharpshooter to protect your dog while you live in squalor and moving in with a man you hardly know and who magnifies your lack of self-esteem and self-worth. You are smart. You don't need me to list them all, from considering moving back home for a stretch to searching for a roommate situation that allows a dog. They are out there, and all of them are wiser moves than moving in with a man you've been seeing for a month—a man you were so-so about less than two weeks ago.

 

You will, of course, do what you want to do. Maybe it all works out, and with his tutelage, and with the affordable rent, you thrive and blossom. Or maybe you stumble around a bit more and, in that stumbling, get a bit closer to a path where you genuinely feel like the woman you want to be, where you feel all that in your own cells with such ferocity that you don't feel like dating should be a finishing school of sorts.

 

I know this probably hurts to read. It's not my intention. I feel for you, and hope for the best. I do really encourage you to try to slow down, to work on yourself and steadying yourself while enjoying a new romance, letting that unfold, rather than trying to expedite that work in the name of romance, or leaning on that romance for shelter and security.

 

You are, right now, putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. Vulnerability, of course, is very seductive, the thing we all want from romance. But not this kind. I fear you have confused feeling deeply vulnerable next to someone as being vulnerable by sharing yourself with someone. The former, generally, amplifies the wobbles while the latter affirms strengths. But those strengths need to first be carved out within ourselves in order for another to cherish them.

[SarahLancaster]

You've been dating only a month and you've discussed your finances and credit ratings? He's offered to help fix your car?

 

Are you looking for a companion or a sugar daddy?

[figureitout23]

So with your quick dreams of gun ownership, I’m assuming you’re an American, you do know statistically, you’re more likely to shoot a loved one than an intruder? The less knowledgeable you are the worse your odds become.

 

I feel like me saying that is just fueling you though. You remind me of the defiant teenager dating the high school drop out cause daddy doesn’t like him. You are having second thoughts and as you said ‘scared’ but us giving you the power to feel defiant and ‘I’ll show them’ a sure sign of immaturity I’m sorry to say, you get what you want.

 

As another poster said, this is your life you get to live it good choices and bad. Our opinions aren’t going to change, you’d be stupid to move in with a man you’ve been dating for a month. You’re talking about proving your love to a man you’ve been with for 4 weeks. You are not Juliet and he is not Romeo. First off, If your finances put you in the ‘ghetto’ guess what princess, that’s your socioeconomic group, better get to know your neighbors. Second, thank your lucky stars staying with family is an option, many don’t have that option. You have options, you want to be reckless and go live with this man. Your prerogative, you’re grown, go do it, maybe it will all work out.

 

But crying about having to live in the ‘ghetto’ cause no one wants a roommate with a dog? Definition of first world problems girl, grow up please.

[Wiseman2]

Love never was and never will be being a doormat. Don't read trite rubbish like that, the bolded phrase below is so creepy it makes your skin crawl. Do not let anyone but your bank, accountant or financial adviser 'help you with your credit score". EVER. Never give out your personal info to a complete stranger. If you are having financial difficulties, move in with roommates or family.

 

Do not become someone's live-in maid or sexual convenience in exchange for room and board. So many huge red flags with this guy. Stop and think long and hard. No one can "improve your credit" but you. He's lying to you. He may give you a 'separate room and make you pay rent' but it's not out of altruism, another huge red flag. He's lying to you about so many things.

 

He's financially responsible with a perfect credit score and willing to help me with mine. My finances are not where I need them to be.

 

Love is not a feeling but a selfless act of making the other person happy. I want to be able to love him correctly and be what he needs in a woman.

 

This man is offering me a separate room. I'll pay cheap rent and it offers me the opportunity to get caught up and save.

[maew]

Omg people. I am not throwing caution to the wind. My lease is up. I am going month to month now because the rent is so high and I eventually need to get out. When I first moved in, I was at 675, now I am over 900+ for a one bed room. I am one person. I am self sufficient. I have never been late on rent ever. Not even once. I am just over extended now. I have been looking for another place. Everything I look at that I can afford now is in a rough neighborhood aka. the hood. Everything is going up here. I can no longer afford a decent place without going paycheck to paycheck. I have been looking for people who need room mates but everyone is rejecting me, they do not want to accept my dog.

 

You ARE though. I don't think you are dumb nor does anyone else here... entitled maybe, and more than a little naive, but dumb you are not.

 

If you really wanted to be independent and live on your own, you would put more energy into finding a place to live than into finding excuses to live with this man.

 

I was a single mom living on my own for a good chunk of my daughter's life, I worked and went to school and my income was below the poverty line for many years... as a result we lived in some pretty sketchy places let me tell you, but we had a place of our own that was warm, clean, with all the necessities.

 

I get the struggle when it comes to rent, I live in one of the most expensive cities in North America right now, however where there is a will there is a way, whether it's living in a less than desirable neighborhood, or in the suburbs, or with a roommate, or what have you. There IS a way to do it, you are just choosing the easy way out, which is entirely your decision of course.

 

As for the relationship, of course it's perfect after a month, all relationships are, you are still in the honeymoon phase. I do think you are kidding yourself if you believe this is going to be a roommate situation... I give it a matter of weeks before you are playing house and sharing a bed full time with this guy. Either that, or it remains a roommate situation and you have to endure watching him date other people while you sit at home fuming that this didn't go the way you planned.

 

Of course it's entirely possible that maybe I and the others here will be wrong, I hope we are, and that you and this guy ride off into the sunset together. Either way it's your life to live the way you want, you don't need us to tell you whether or not it's a good idea, only you know if this is the decision that's right for you at the end of the day.

[Batya33]

I agree with everyone else. If you move in with him you are risking any chance of a long term relationship with him and you are showing yourself that you are not good enough for anyone right now as far as a long term romantic relationship because even though of course people have temporary periods of financial difficulties and challenges, you are showing that you don't make common sense choices when you encounter those situations. Healthy adult relationships require a level of common sense you are not practicing right now so I think you should get your act together on your own before getting involved with someone romantically, especially someone you feel less than.

 

My friend's daughter - late 20s- just got out of a relationship like this which started like yours started - older wealthy guy, etc. same shpiel like your guy. It's ended with threatening letters from his lawyer and now he's still harassing her (yes she's blocked him, yes the lawyer situation is now over). It's ended up costing her $ and lots of stress.

[reinventmyself]

So many different scenarios go through my mind when I read this.

 

Ok. . He's so fabulous and you feel are so not-worthy and such.

I may be wrong, but I've met these guys. They have a thing for rescuing little birds with broken wings. You can't figure out what he sees in you, but part of the attraction is that you won't fly away. In return for all he's done for you, you'll be indebted to him.

 

When prince charming's mask falls off you are left with someone controlling. Again, I could be wrong but this has all the typical hallmark signs.

 

You say you are not dependent on any man? Then why would you argue taking him up on his offer to financially help you. . .with a room and financial advice? Wouldn't that make you dependent to some degree?

 

Enjoy dating him. Get to know him. Remain independent and in turn learn to interdependent with a man.

 

You don't want to ruin this? The fasted way to risk ruining this is renting a room from a man you don't know and are infatuated with and think you aren't deserving of. You place yourself in a one down, vulnerable position. That's not how healthy, mature relationships grow.

[abitbroken]

you are seeing things very black and white. Its living where you need to carry a gun, live where you get nagged or move in with this perfect specimen of a man who you barely know, but it will be perfect.

 

In my 20s, i found plenty of situations where 1-4 other women who were grad students or young professionals would rent together to save money. We were all low on the ladder/just starting out in careers and one was a student teacher. There are people that move because they get married and move in with their new spouse and their lease isn't up yet, or move for a job and need someone to finish up their lease and are willing to take less than market because they would still have to pay for it empty -- even if its just 3-6 months it gives you time to figure out your next move.

 

I lived in an expensive area and went from the roommate situation to a situation where a couple's kids had moved out - gone to college and they rented me a room with a lock and key that only i had. I could use the kitchen, etc, but they only charged me for the room. It was a nice set up. They treated me more like a little sister (i was mid 20s, they were late 40s). I was always working or doing other things so wasn't hanging around the house a lot, but it really helped me out. i think i paid $75-100 a week. Then i got my own apartment again.

 

How old is this guy?? if he talks about "needs a good woman after mom dies" i was guessing that he was much older than you.

[reinventmyself]

 

How old is this guy?? if he talks about "needs a good woman after mom dies" i was guessing that he was much older than you.

"" There is a 10 year age gap, ""

[boltnrun]

If you choose to move in with him I expect the next thread to be titled "Is this controlling?"

[calichick007]

In the ghetto, where I would have to buy a gun, learn how to shoot, bar up my windows and doors.

 

This is pretty melodramatic. It sounds like you're just looking for a reason to convince yourself that moving in with him is the only viable choice. Like everyone else, I think it's a terrible idea.

[ConfusedLady21]

I am by no means trying to take the easy way out. I have been on Craigslist and Facebook looking for roommates. I've been declined countless time after time. The goal is to not live paycheck to paycheck.. but to actually get a savings going again.

 

I left my moms house, moved all the way to the other side of town and did not look back for a reason. It is literally a rough side of town that I can afford. I am not being over dramatic. My options are crap right now. Realistically, he is offering me the cheapest rent in a safe area. It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have. I probably won't.

[katrina1980]

 

It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have.

 

I am sympathetic to your plight CL, but no it won't probably sabotage anything you have developed up to this point, it will definitely sabotage it.

 

So it's a choice..

 

What's the priority? Living at his cause it's too draining/stressful/time consuming searching for other options (which are out there despite what you think), or having a boyfriend whom at least at the moment you think is a good guy?

 

Cause once you move in as essentially a "tenant" the entire dynamic will change -- you being a tenant, and him, your landlord.

 

There is nothing fun, romantic or sexy about that whatsoever.

 

So make up your mind cause try as you might you can't have both and have it work.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[Rose Mosse]

I am by no means trying to take the easy way out. I have been on Craigslist and Facebook looking for roommates. I've been declined countless time after time. The goal is to not live paycheck to paycheck.. but to actually get a savings going again.

 

I left my moms house, moved all the way to the other side of town and did not look back for a reason. It is literally a rough side of town that I can afford. I am not being over dramatic. My options are crap right now. Realistically, he is offering me the cheapest rent in a safe area. It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have. I probably won't.

 

The options are not great because you've made decisions that limit yourself. 1) pay cut 2) keeping the dog 3) not getting a second job or working longer hours. Your choices leading up to this point haven't been very sound and I don't think you're really grasping how your decisions now will continue to affect you and there's a very real likelihood that cheap rent won't solve your financial issues or improve your savings plan. Cheap rent will only get you so far but the distractions of an unhealthy relationship may cause you to still overspend or overextend your limits or your budget elsewhere over a period of time. Your health my deteriorate, you may need dr visits or medication. Your pet will need maintenance and check ups. You should also be looking into tenant insurance as a renter and protecting yourself there. I hope internet, cable, electricity and other amenities are included in that deal he's offering and not on top of what you've verbally discussed so far. I'm not sure if you're looking to this person to help pay your bills or pay for all your entertainment etc.

 

If you are serious about taking his offer based on the one redeeming factor that you're able to create a savings plan and improve your finances, start budgeting immediately and drawing up an expenses sheet for all your expenses including emergencies and leave room for insurance, healthcare, doctor and vet visits. If you can really prove to yourself through the numbers that this is a viable option and he is not going to charge you anything else on top of what you've agreed, go ahead and evaluate whether this is a good option for you. If you find that you still are having difficulty putting money aside according to a plan you'd like to follow, the entire premise of moving in in order to save is not going to work.

 

What you're really doing then is moving in to blanket the difficulties you have with your finances and to mask the complications you might have financially with a new relationship. Look closer at your numbers for yourself so that you know what you're up against and what your expectations really are in this relationship. Even if you do decide to move in with him on the cheap option, you'll be a bit more tighter with your money and clearer about how much you need to control your expenses in order to meet your goals saving. You may also be a bit more realistic about this person and any relationship that may or may not happen in the future. Try to keep things as civil and respectable as possible and take it slow if you're getting to know one another.

[figureitout23]

I am by no means trying to take the easy way out. I have been on Craigslist and Facebook looking for roommates. I've been declined countless time after time. The goal is to not live paycheck to paycheck.. but to actually get a savings going again.

 

I left my moms house, moved all the way to the other side of town and did not look back for a reason. It is literally a rough side of town that I can afford. I am not being over dramatic. My options are crap right now. Realistically, he is offering me the cheapest rent in a safe area. It's the best I have right now, but it will probably thoroughly sabotage anything we have. I probably won't.

 

If that’s the case, easy fix, break up and become his roommate. If your living situation is really this dire and he is your only option look at him in that way then, as a landlord. Look at that, problem solved 😊

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Rose. She's giving smart advice.

The real issue here is you can not afford your current lifestyle. Moving in with him may buy you a bit of time, but you still need a longer term strategy. If you started doing that now, you can avoid the complications with moving in to a reduced rent as a tenant to someone you are dating.

 

I'd never judge someone having trouble making ends meet while on their own and working. I lived alone for years, with a pet, and yes life is expensive when it is all you.

 

But you have to be willing to make some hard choices somewhere if your income isn't giving you the quality of life you want. Usually a combination of hard choices. Years down the line though, you'll thank yourself.

 

Seems to me the dog going to live with your mom, or somewhere else s(he) would have a good home is a key aspect in this. Not saying it would be easy, but having pets is a luxury, and if you are talking learning to shoot or living with a one month dating guy...maybe you can't afford the dog.

[ConfusedLady21]

I have had my dog for 13 years. I rescued him when he was a puppy. I can't just let him go. I am not sure if mom is willing to take care of him. She fusses when I ask her to watch him for a day. My last job was extremely toxic, I would not have left a good paying job if I was not miserable. This all happened around the time my rent went up YET AGAIN. They are tough choices, but my dog is my baby.

[katrina1980]

CL, may I ask why you started this thread, I am seriously confused.

 

Your opening post said you fear moving in with him would drive a wedge between you, and asked for advice.

 

Virtually everyone who's posted agreed, providing solid and valuable insight and wisdom, suggested other viable options, but you continue to knock them all down and defending why it's in your best intetests to move in (save money, your dog, avoid living in the ghetto, etc).

 

So again, why did you start this thread and what exactly is it you're wanting/needing to hear?

[Rose Mosse]

There should be laws where you are about how rent goes up and the increments they go up. $25-50 per month can be quite a bit if things are a bit tight. Are you sure there is nothing else you can cut down on in order to stay in your current place? About two or three years ago I cut my cellphone bill down from $90/month to $45 by switching to a new plan with double the data. Instead of the latest phone you can always buy one second hand with cash or last year's model and reduce your cellphone bill each month. Cable and internet may also be draining you right now and look into other providers. It makes no sense to throw the baby out with the bath water. Maybe this process has helped you gain new appreciation for your current apartment? Why are you so upset with the rental increase? Are you sure you're not overreacting a little? I'm only asking out of concern that maybe this is not as bad as you think. It's still a place you call your own and somewhere you have established as your home.

 

Are there any other issues with the rental? Bugs or pests or bad neighbours bothering you? Don't be ashamed. I'm dealing with an ant situation right now (it's not too bad but a bit annoying) and a coworker just told me about a moth situation in her rental.

[ConfusedLady21]

CL, may I ask why you started this thread, I am seriously confused.

 

Your opening post said you fear moving in with him would drive a wedge between you, and asked for advice.

 

Virtually everyone who's posted agreed, providing solid and valuable insight and wisdom, suggested other viable options, but you continue to knock them all down and defending why it's in your best intetests to move in (save money, your dog, avoid living in the ghetto, etc).

 

So again, why did you start this thread and what exactly is it you're wanting/needing to hear?

 

 

To get a different perspective. I am not trying to knock anyone's advice down. I took everything into consideration and told the guy that I am seeing now that it would probably not be in our best interest. I'm confused. That's why I keep coming back with more comments on this thread. I have been independent for this long and now that is compromised. People are acting as if I am not financially responsible. I am. I just don't know what I'm doing now..

 

I guess I'm done here now... This is just a difficult time in my life.

[ConfusedLady21]

There should be laws where you are about how rent goes up and the increments they go up. $25-50 per month can be quite a bit if things are a bit tight. Are you sure there is nothing else you can cut down on in order to stay in your current place? About two or three years ago I cut my cellphone bill down from $90/month to $45 by switching to a new plan with double the data. Instead of the latest phone you can always buy one second hand with cash or last year's model and reduce your cellphone bill each month. Cable and internet may also be draining you right now and look into other providers. It makes no sense to throw the baby out with the bath water. Maybe this process has helped you gain new appreciation for your current apartment? Why are you so upset with the rental increase? Are you sure you're not overreacting a little? I'm only asking out of concern that maybe this is not as bad as you think. It's still a place you call your own and somewhere you have established as your home.

 

Are there any other issues with the rental? Bugs or pests or bad neighbours bothering you? Don't be ashamed. I'm dealing with an ant situation right now (it's not too bad but a bit annoying) and a coworker just told me about a moth situation in her rental.

 

I don't mean to keep this thread dragging on.. but I am a person who prides myself for living beneath my means. I pay my bills first before I try to do anything. I am not worried about the most up to date phone. I don't have cable, just internet. Vegas is booming now because there is going to be a new football team coming out here and I live down the street from there. A 300+ jump is a big deal for me. Plus my car insurance went up due to rates going up all over town. I am constantly looking for a new job that pays more. I had savings but after helping my mom out over losing her job, and taking my dog to the vet for an overnight stay, I am drained. There are no savings left. It was a little, now it's gone. I am not being dramatic. In order for me to get ahead, I need to live somewhere cheap. Mom isn't a stable option. She does not have a job right now, surviving off of unemployment while she search for a job. It has been months and she is still not employed. She has not told me what the bills would be if I moved in.

 

I live in a nice neighborhood, I like my independence, I do not want to move but it's too much to pay now.

[LootieTootie]

Confused... If you are located in Vegas, there are people who will likely be ok to split rent with you, dog or no dog. I've tried looking for apartments.rooms for my husband (then boyfriend online) when he was living in Vegas (in his car) - of course he refused to pay for room and rather save. There were people willing to accept a small dog and your picture looks like a small cute dog.

 

As a dog owner myself, I am wondering if your dog may be aggressive towards other people? Non-friendly? And if he/she is not a friendly dog towards strangers, are you meeting potential roommates with your dog?

 

Also you speak about living paycheck to paycheck... I lived on my own for almost 10 years and I lived pay check to pay check. There is nothing to be ashamed of about working full time and going school and trying to make it out in the world on your own as a young person. Sure you get lonely, and sure you get depressed (school counselor told me I should get a dog - but I knew I couldn't afford it). But you trudge on... and eventually it pays off. I know it did for me and it all started when I stopped caring what others think of me.

 

I guess what I am saying is... I think if it wasn't for this guy, you would be ok with the idea of living pay check to pay check for the time-being until things turn around for you... but the only reason why you want to "save" is because you care what this "perfect credit score" man will think.

 

This guy has only been in your life for a month... you do not need to prove anything to him or anyone.

 

A strong you would tell him, thank you for the offer but I rather do this on my own and not risk jeopardizing us.

A weak you would play the damsel and accept the offer in hopes that an improved credit score and savings can make her feel worthy of any one.

[Rose Mosse]

Don't feel pushed out of your own thread. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way or said anything rude. I think it's good to talk outloud. If moving in with this person (the man you just met - into his house) is a good option to you for the interim, just try going over the numbers again one more time and see whether you can really save. I agree with you that $300+ increase is steep. I'm appalled it's going up so high at once. I'd also give myself a timeline if I were in your shoes and think about where I'd want to be in six months for example. (I wouldn't consider this a permanent option and would want to be out of there in 6 months to a year). One step at a time. Just worry about the living situation part first. Things with dating will fall into place when this is sorted. You can always tell the guy you are seeing that you have a few things on your mind right now but enjoy his company. If he's that interested in you I'm sure he will understand that you're working through a transition period and both of you can keep in touch.

[Wiseman2]

How did this go from "just met a guy, over the moon" to live in a ghetto, can't save money, mother is toxic, guy offered me cheap room/board?

I don't mean to keep this thread dragging on.

[katrina1980]

 

I agree with you that $300+ increase a month is steep.

 

...just try going over the numbers again one more time and see whether you can really save. I agree with you that $300+ increase is steep. I'm appalled it's going up so high at once.

 

 

Yes it's appalling but it happens, it happened to me too. The market rate for rentals in my area has jumped in recent years, and when building management reviewed the numbers, those of us who had been paying rent below market got the huge increase.

 

I simply cut back in other areas. I got rid of my cable ($155 per month including wifi) and now just have wifi ($60 per month).

 

I majorly cut back on going out to lunch on weekdays and now bring my lunch and eat outside in the garden area of our office building ($200 per month savings).

 

I walk to/from work instead of Uber or Lyft ($100 per month) and am now aware of the price of groceries, purchasing generic brand instead of named brands.

 

With all that, I typically save in excess of $500 per month!!

 

CF, be creative, you can do it! Especially the groceries. Use coupons if you can, you can find great deals on line or in the junk mail you receive but toss out.

 

Walk everywhere (when possible, one mile or less), saving $$ on gas or public transport.

 

You'd be surprised how much you can save per month with little cutbacks.

 

It's $75 per week, not that much really. And you can stay in current rental.

 

Anyway, this is what I did and my rent jumped $500 in two years to bring me to market level.

 

If I can do it, you can, trust me!' .

 

Forget about impressing new bf with your credit score, it's none of his business what your credit score is anyway, why are you even discussing these things??

 

Live for you! Stop trying to impress others.

 

You can slowly build your credit score up over time CF, pay your creditors on time every month is a good start, even if it's just the minimum.