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Very sad and needing to vent


Badlover
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This really sucks to hear, but thank you for your response.

 

Abusive, unstable and insecure men are a trend in my dating life, so are bullies. I overlooked a lot of mean things this guy said and did, I’m ashamed to even tell anybody about. I really thought I had something, but all I found was the same situation I swore I’d never enter again. I’m ashamed I allowed all of these things, I know better. I’m going to make a priority to find counseling that actually helps me.

 

Please do.

 

You are choosing the same abusive creeps, over and over. You re the common denominator. You need to get to the root of the problem through therapy.

 

I also suggest you look at baggagereclaim.com Without realizing it, you are emotionally unavailable and purposely choose crap men. I had a pattern of also choosing the wrong people. The site helped me a great deal.

 

Please do not date for a long while. You need to get to a better place. Healthy attracts healthy.

 

You should be looking at people with the same values, not common interests and friends. Look for the things that are important: honesty. loyal, kind, respectful, integrity, loving etc... This is what makes a partner, not the same addiction to fitness- I am not saying fitness is not important-as I would require that my partner be fit and active- but I am saying you should focus on what is important, not superficial.

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They were always on call, and I was usually all worked up when telling the stories. I would tell them he’d get angry and yell at me a lot, but not get into what he was saying. He’d always put hickeys on my neck to “mark his territory”, and I told them about that and they just said he sounded a little insecure. The worst things, no. I didn’t tell anyone.

 

Why were you always going to these guys and so available? This is not good. Also, no one should EVER yell at you! The hickey thing is juvenile and gross.

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I'd say it's early days and it's clearly not right so cut your losses and move on. Id also suggest changing your therapist and life coach too!!

 

I'm sorry but you 2 are just not compatible. I think you both should stay single for a while as you both have issues within you need to work on.

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Read some books on positive self-talk. You're sorely in need of improving the psychology that goes on in your head. There is power in words. Your moniker alone, Badlover, is a self-fulfilling prophecy that pegs you into an unhealthy hole. Saying that you are "crushed" after a lover breaks up with you also tattoos those negative thoughts into your soul.

 

What does a mentally healthy woman with your standards do? While dating a guy, see if the guy really wants to get to know you, instead of having the immediate goal of bedding you. The right guy will be patient for 2 or 3 months while you two see if you're compatible. At that point, the right guy will want to become exclusive, because you're wonderful and he wants to see if you two can make it longterm.

 

In the meantime, don't unload your fears on him. Just state your standards--that you won't be intimate with anyone you're not exclusive with.

 

The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and to only allow people to stay in your life if they treat you as the special person you are. Your positive self-talk should include: If I take this risk on someone who seems like a good risk and it doesn't end up working out, I'll be upset just as anyone would, but I will heal and move on.

 

Take care.

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My brother is in his mid 50s and he covers his girlfriend (now wife) in hickeys. She tends to favor strapless or off the shoulder tops and dresses, so it's like they're shouting "Hey Everyone, WE HAD SEX!!!". And my brother struts around beaming proudly at everyone. It's sure awkward for everyone else, particularly his teenage children who know what sex is.

 

But the OP's ex did this so she would remain exclusively "his" while he got to do whatever he wanted. My ex did the same thing. He acted indifferent unless he thought another man wanted me, then suddenly he was all over me. It's not done out of love but ego.

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In a prior post I made the comment that dating is not CrossFit. You don't get stronger simply through reps, through showing up, through having a goal and shooting it down. You kind of build some emotional muscles first, so you can handle the workout, if that makes sense. Part of those emotional muscles is not thinking of yourself as damaged, but as unique, singular, you, so you can meet someone who compliments all that. Those who don't—who you find yourself arguing with and clashing with early—aren't the universe judging you but simply the universe introducing you to someone who isn't right for you.

 

This, this, this.

 

I’m adding it to the quotes hall of fame.

 

So many view dating as a coping mechanism when really it has the power to make or break an emotionally fragile person.

 

It can do a lot of harm.

 

I often use the euphemism, of chipping away at your statue instead of taking the time to put the pieces together, and it’s true, it’s not like CrossFit where doing it over and over builds on strength. You aren’t building on anything you’re simply chipping away at yourself more and more.

 

We ignore mental health so much, emotional health and well-being we ignore how powerful these things are when dating, we ignore how powerful relationships are to people how many look at relationships or their ability to have one as a reflection of themselves, many date as a reflection of themselves, and to me at least, it’s not so much going after dead ends because you deep down fear commitment, I think that does happen but I also think like in this situation, this dead end was probably all she thought she could get, having self esteem this low causes that, it’s all connected.

 

Yes dating is not like CrossFit, once you get to 100, you won’t be magically cured. Dating is not a bike where you just keep getting on recklessly until you get it. The biggest thing to me about this idea of dating until you get it right is broken dating leads to broken relationships, wasting even more time, what is so wrong with working on the foundation of who you are first?

 

Ok sorry I’m ranting.

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So many view dating as a coping mechanism when really it has the power to make or break an emotionally fragile person.

 

It can do a lot of harm.

 

I often use the euphemism, of chipping away at your statue instead of taking the time to put the pieces together, and it’s true, it’s not like CrossFit where doing it over and over builds on strength. You aren’t building on anything you’re simply chipping away at yourself more and more.

 

We ignore mental health so much, emotional health and well-being we ignore how powerful these things are when dating, we ignore how powerful relationships are to people how many look at relationships or their ability to have one as a reflection of themselves, many date as a reflection of themselves, and to me at least, it’s not so much going after dead ends because you deep down fear commitment, I think that does happen but I also think like in this situation, this dead end was probably all she thought she could get, having self esteem this low causes that, it’s all connected.

 

Yes dating is not like CrossFit, once you get to 100, you won’t be magically cured. Dating is not a bike where you just keep getting on recklessly until you get it. The biggest thing to me about this idea of dating until you get it right is broken dating leads to broken relationships, wasting even more time, what is so wrong with working on the foundation of who you are first?

 

Ok sorry I’m ranting.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

You’re right, the subconscious mind is a b****. I really did think I was winning, and I felt like the ability to have a relationship proved that I was worth something. Not being able to have one proved there was something seriously wrong with me.

 

I’m sometimes reluctant to post in this forum because the responses you guys give are all the things I didn’t even realize I don’t want to hear. They’re brutal to read, but you give me wake-up calls that force me to take action.

 

Thank you.

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My god. This post makes me so angry. But not at you, OP. Angry about the way you'd been treated.

 

I have to fully agree with Holly and all the comments she's made here. This guy has got some nerve to talk to a woman he supposedly cares about in this manner. Don't even get me started on that.

 

And as usual, BlueCastle nails it.

 

OP, I get it, because I have been through similar things when I was younger. But it's time now to start doing things that are good for you, not just getting the things that you want - for instance, you wanted this guy. And bless your heart, you tried every way to make it work. Only thing is, he wasn't worth your time and effort.

 

It's ok. This is now part of your past. Part of the things you'll learn from to build a healthier future and ultimately a happier you.

 

Please check in with us every now and then & let us know how you're doing. Best of luck.

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Thank you for sharing.

 

You’re right, the subconscious mind is a b****. I really did think I was winning, and I felt like the ability to have a relationship proved that I was worth something. Not being able to have one proved there was something seriously wrong with me.

 

I’m sometimes reluctant to post in this forum because the responses you guys give are all the things I didn’t even realize I don’t want to hear. They’re brutal to read, but you give me wake-up calls that force me to take action.

 

Thank you.

 

Better hearing it from us, than going through it with another guy. I would say that the majority of us have done cringe-worthy things, the important bit is is learning and not repeating.

Edited by Hollyj
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Oh dear... this guy sounds abusive and manipulative, and I'm very glad for you that you've blocked him.

 

That said, you really need to work on your own self-esteem and convince yourself of your own gorgeousness. This is so that when someone comes out with this sort of rubbish:

After the first few weeks we got into a big argument about how I’m not into uncommitted sex, but that’s the only way he dates. Says he needs to ease into relationships, but likes to act like a couple until he reaches that point.

... you will feel OK about telling him that you are not into casual sex. Full stop. You don't need to justify it.

 

And then walk.

 

If you are with someone prepared to use you in a physical sense before deciding whether he wants to be with you or not, it will have a devastating effect on your sense of self-worth. You will be wondering anxiously whether he likes you, treating him as a major source of good things in your life, and generally feeling used. In one of your posts, you ask yourself what a healthier woman would do. The answer is that a healthier woman would not have tolerated the lack of respect and attempts at manipulation, and would have left the situation veryveryvery quickly. Healthy relationships do not make you feel anxious and uncomfortable. Yelling at you is not 'a healthy part of arguing', especially not when it's over something personal and intimate - and a healthy partner would respect you, and not resort to this kind of control. He could be fantastic-looking, successful, well-educated... all the rest. But an a-hole is still an a-hole, and not someone you should be getting involved with, no matter how superficially desirable the exterior appears.

 

One of the reasons it's wise to hold off having sex is that it takes time to get to know another person, what makes them tick, what their values are. Abusive people are charming and lovely in the early days - but so are nice people. It takes time to find out which is which. And it's not a good idea to be overly emotionally invested in someone you don't really know - so don't be afraid to stick to your guns.

 

Oh, and by the way - if someone criticises everything about you, tries to run you down constantly etc etc, it's because they are EXTREMELY jealous of you. This is not a good basis for a relationship. Don't hang around in the face of it.

 

Emotional pain is like physical pain - it's telling you that something's wrong.

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This guy is very abusive. When he pushed for sex knowing that you weren't comfortable having it outside of an exclusive, committed relationship, that should have been the first big red flag. A man worth his salt will respect your values in this regard.

 

This is not even to mention the mood swings, the temper tantrums, the verbal abuse, etc. that you have gone on to reveal. You need a partner who will lift you up and bring out the best in you, not tear down the life you've built for yourself out of his own jealousy and insecurity (btw, as someone slammed with student debt, would love to know how you make 6 figures from home part-time, that sounds absolutely amazing, haha!). It's clear he was reaching to poke holes in anything and everything. Ick.

 

This guy doesn't deserve you.

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Just because you are a "match" doesn't mean he's going to be good to you or be good for you. I'm sticking to my guns about the therapist and life coach. I just can't get my head around why they felt it was better for you to stick with someone just because he had things in common. There's way more to having a relationship than that. As I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...this guy was a manipulative jerk. It's like they were telling you it was all in your head, and not to trust your gut instinct. Egad they were so wrong. Your money is better spent elsewhere I tell ya.

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Have you considered that this is not related? That the relationships end because they weren't right or meant to last and that sex has nothing to do with it. Think of it logically. If they end either way, then sex has nothing to do with it.

Guys either leave me because I won’t have sex, or because I do have sex. Sex or no sex ends all of my relationships. Why is sex my blocker?
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Have you considered that this is not related? That the relationships end because they weren't right or meant to last and that sex has nothing to do with it. Think of it logically. If they end either way, then sex has nothing to do with it.

 

Agree with you Wise One... I think the OP blames the problem on sex to avoid looking at the deeper core issues that cause her to end up in these situations.

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When you first meet someone, that's the time to put your dating style on the table and let a prospect know that you're not sex material outside of a committed relationship. This is basic screening stuff. Either you're willing to do it, or not. If not, that's not against the law,but it positions you as a hapless candle in the wind to someone else's pushiness and expectations that you refused to address up front. Not a good foundation for finding the RIGHT match for you.

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Have you considered that this is not related? That the relationships end because they weren't right or meant to last and that sex has nothing to do with it. Think of it logically. If they end either way, then sex has nothing to do with it.

 

I guess it always seems like a direct result of sex.

 

The relationships are fine until the guy starts pressuring/asking for sex. Things almost immediately fall apart as soon as I refuse or agree. I know that the second a man starts asking for sex in a relationship, it’s over. I feel if I had the skills, knowledge or suave to let a man know I’m not ready for sex at the time he’s asking, something in the past 5.5 years that I’ve been single would have worked out.

 

I’m at the point where sex terrifies me. I have no clue how to deal with it, and how other people can have it and have a man still like, want and respect them after two or three times. Nothing good has ever come from it for me.

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When you first meet someone, that's the time to put your dating style on the table and let a prospect know that you're not sex material outside of a committed relationship. This is basic screening stuff. Either you're willing to do it, or not. If not, that's not against the law,but it positions you as a hapless candle in the wind to someone else's pushiness and expectations that you refused to address up front. Not a good foundation for finding the RIGHT match for you.

 

I would really like to do that. However, I’ve been seeing a lot of dating advice claiming that leading with a conversation like this will turn all men away. It makes me look like I’ve already made up my mind that I want a relationship with the guy, and I’m more interested in a relationship than the guy.

 

A few years ago I dated a guy who started asking for sex, and I told him I needed for us to get tested for STDs, and I needed to be in a relationship with the person I was sleeping with. He said he thought we were in a relationship, got tested for STDs and started introducing me as his gf. After having sex twice he broke up with me. Immediately after sex he stopped calling and being affectionate with me. His personality completely changed as it does with all men I sleep with. It was exactly 2.5 weeks later. We only dated around 2-3 months.

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I would really like to do that. However, I’ve been seeing a lot of dating advice claiming that leading with a conversation like this will turn all men away. It makes me look like I’ve already made up my mind that I want a relationship with the guy, and I’m more interested in a relationship than the guy.

 

Sorry, but that's just plain stupid advice. People create profiles all the time that rule out one night stands and casual sex, and they clarify that they are dating to find a committed relationship. The goal of telling someone you meet that you are relationship material and asking whether they view themselves the same way is to screen OUT bad matches.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's the point. You WANT anyone who's not dating for the same reasons as you to walk on, not stick around to manipulate from you exactly what you do NOT want.

 

If you believe that you need to pretzel yourself to conform to whatever you believe a potential date is looking for, then you will continue to waste your time on bad matches instead of discarding them early to move yourself forward in finding your RIGHT match.

 

You can clown around like that if you want, but you're the one who's tired of the results. When you get tired enough, maybe you'll solidify for yourself exactly what you DO want, then you won't be afraid to voice that to everyone you meet--up front--and let the chips fall. You'll stop wasting your time and self esteem on catering to users, and you'll grow more confident in your judgment and your screening skills.

 

The right match for you is out there seeking you, but you're too busy catering to 'casual' to make yourself available to him. Not a great strategy.

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Sorry, but that's just plain stupid advice. People create profiles all the time that rule out one night stands and casual sex, and they clarify that they are dating to find a committed relationship. The goal of telling someone you meet that you are relationship material and asking whether they view themselves the same way is to screen OUT bad matches.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's the point. You WANT anyone who's not dating for the same reasons as you to walk on, not stick around to manipulate from you exactly what you do NOT want.

 

If you believe that you need to pretzel yourself to conform to whatever you believe a potential date is looking for, then you will continue to waste your time on bad matches instead of discarding them early to move yourself forward in finding your RIGHT match.

 

You can clown around like that if you want, but you're the one who's tired of the results. When you get tired enough, maybe you'll solidify for yourself exactly what you DO want, then you won't be afraid to voice that to everyone you meet--up front--and let the chips fall. You'll stop wasting your time and self esteem on catering to users, and you'll grow more confident in your judgment and your screening skills.

 

The right match for you is out there seeking you, but you're too busy catering to 'casual' to make yourself available to him. Not a great strategy.

 

That makes a ton of sense. If I had walked away the first time this last guy told me he was into “having sex without a relationship”, I’d have been better off.

 

My mistake was discussing it with him, and giving him a chance to dress it up in a way that sounded like what I wanted. He eventually got extremely angry and would yell at me when I’d use the terms uncommitted sex, casual, FWB and hookups. He said those weren’t things he was looking for and when I said them, it sounded dirty and made him feel like some dirtbag who was trying to take advantage of me.

 

It came to a point where I couldn’t even discuss this with him because I knew I’d be met with intense anger. When he started flip-flopping our agreement, he’d yell and say, “You’re messing up a really good thing”. That specific phrase got to me because the guy I dated before him would say that when I refused to sleep with him.

 

Maybe I should say this and really pay attention to the guy’s first reaction. I feel like all men are going to pretend to want a relationship with me so they can have sex with me if they think that’s what I’m looking for.

 

How do you suggest I discern whether a man is pretending to want a relationship with me for sex?

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Take a break from All dating. Only therapy can help you with this. Keep in mind sex is a normal healthy part of a romantic relationship, when it's mutually desired, agreeable and consensual. No one can "pressure you for sex". It's either no or yes. And only when you feel ready. You have complete control over this by having dates that are in public and steering the dating course in a direction you want it to go.

 

The whole "guys only want one thing" mentality will assure you great distress and unhappiness in your dating life. It sounds like bitterness or damage that can only be healed and redirected with appropriate therapy. It's not men or sex or dating that's the problem. It's your interpersonal actions and attitudes. It doesn't matter who you date or what you do or don't do, with this mentality, you'll be very unhappy.

I guess it always seems like a direct result of sex. I’m at the point where sex terrifies me.
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I would really like to do that. However, I’ve been seeing a lot of dating advice claiming that leading with a conversation like this will turn all men away. It makes me look like I’ve already made up my mind that I want a relationship with the guy, and I’m more interested in a relationship than the guy.

 

You need to change the way you view this and the way you go about addressing this.

 

I rarely know early on whether I want to committed relationship with a man that I have had a couple dates with, but at some point these talks about personal values do come up. (well, at least they should)

 

When I am having this talk with a man I am careful when choosing my words. I am not interested or asking anything from him at this point. I am however, telling him what my values are without asking anything from him. This early on I don't want anything from him.

 

It works best when you believe in yourself and have convictions about your values. You can't do this while at the same time feeling insecure and afraid of their reaction. If this is who you are, then own it.

 

I merely state how I operate. The best part is when you believe in yourself and believe you are worth it, men respect that and their interest goes up. They quickly notice that have a sense of value in yourself and you aren't going to waste your time with someone who is either not looking for the same thing or who wants someone to toy with.

 

I might tell them that "I respect where ever they are at and whatever they are looking for, however I am not very good a casual sex and it's something I'd rather save for someone I see potential in and we have agreed, at some point, to no longer date others and see where this goes. But it's still early and I'd like to get to know you better"

 

Using the word commitment is heavy. Agreeing to see only each other for the time being is something I think most people are comfortable with. Heck, I wouldn't commit to a man before I have sex with him, but I would prefer to be exclusive. If that makes sense

 

It's much easier to say these things early on when you have nothing to lose. I personally consider my free time valuable and I don't want to give up my time for someone who doesn't share or respect my values.

 

When I started doing this. .well, it was scary at first, but the responses were positive. That reinforced that I was on the right track and dating just got that much easier. Players fell by the wayside pretty quickly and it made room for quality, interested men

 

10,000th post bytheway. Not that anyone's counting :)

Edited by reinventmyself
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