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My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. Up until a few months ago, things were really wonderful. He was very attentive and thoughtful, just an all around great guy. Our issues seem to have started over Facebook, believe it or not. I decided I wanted to be open about our relationship (it's my first interracial relationship). I felt bad about not being true to him or myself and caring more about what other people think. I felt this was being disrespectful to him and our relationship. So, I changed my status to "in a relationship". Everyone was genuinely very happy for me as they know I have been on my own for a long time, after coming out of a long abusive marriage. Well, he didn't seem like he was anxious at all to "advertise" our relationship and didn't want to change his status. I should mention that I have seen him liking several other single women's pictures on FB constantly, rarely comments on any of my posts. It kind of hurt my feelings. No woman wants to see their man paying attention to another woman.

 

Anyway, after talking a little about it, he decided to change his status. He was getting so many nice comments, but the next day he deleted the entire post off his page. I also suspect his status is only up there for me to see and no one else. Shortly after that, I saw that I could tag him in the status, so I did. Of course, he had to approve it. It sat there all day and he didn't do a thing about it. I finally asked him about it. He said he sees no need to, again, advertise our relationship on his page. I let it go. After that, anytime I post anything on my page that includes him being tagged, he deletes it off his page. We had a discussion about it last week and he got so mad about the whole thing he would barely speak to me. I told him I didn't understand why he was being like this. Once we made up, he told me he loves me, feels he treats me very well, wants to know why I'm so insecure, he's tired of being accused -- blah, blah, blah. It's not really a Facebook issue, but more of an issue of why am I a secret? You can't identify me on your page?

 

So, today I posted something about football season and tagged him. He's a huge football fan, got me interested in it, and we're supposed to get together for a preseason game tonight. I realized that it was not appearing on his page and quickly figured out that he has to now approve my posts. is this all about? It's downright odd at this point. It's like he does not want certain people on his page seeing me. And, I know it's not the interracial issue, because we've discussed that many times. I've also realized something. When we are out, especially in his neck of the woods, he will walk way ahead of me, won't hold my hand, sometimes doesn't introduce me when we run into someone he knows. I have a bad feeling about all this and wanted to get some input. Thoughts anyone?

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"Facebook Relationship Status

Hi, I'm just joining this group and really need some neutral opinions.

 

I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half now. We hit it off right from the start and everything was going so well. About a month ago, I suspected he was talking to other women on Facebook and also still has a profile on a dating site. We both have Facebook and are friends on each other's pages. He had an ex GF on there that I finally made him delete. I didn't understand why an ex needed to be on his FB page anyway. Up until now, neither one of us had changed our relationship status. So, I start poking around and see him liking several of his friend's photos -- ones with low cut shirts, boobs all hanging out, etc. Kinda pissed me off. So, I thought we should mutually change our status. His was still single, mine was non-existent. He said he would change his. I changed mine to "in a relationship" and the month and year. Later in the day, I checked his. He completely deleted relationship status, period. I asked him about it and he said he swore he put relationship. He claims he was trying to fix it while we were on the phone, but couldn't figure it out. Really? It's not that hard. He also said he didn't even notice mine. I was sure it was on my feed. Anyway, that was days ago. He has yet to change his, people are liking my status, except him. I'm hurt, but I'm also mad as hell. My thinking is he doesn't want anyone on his page to know he's taken and still appear single.

 

Just a side note, last time I was at his apartment, he had his phone off. His phone is usually chirping with notifications for sports and things like that. The entire weekend it was off. I plan to get to the bottom of this. I came from a very abusive marriage and it took me three years to commit to someone else. I feel like I'm being played."

 

This was from May. You do not trust this guy, and with good reason. He is on a dating site and flirting with other women on FB. You have resorted to being very controlling and playing Colombo.

 

I suggest you dump this guy and get some counseling. if not, you will make another lousy choice in a partner.

 

Everyone advised you to dump this guy, yet you stayed.

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I remember your last feed very clearly. We can continue to focus on the nitty gritty of social media, or we can focus on what the nitty-gritty points at: that you are deeply uncomfortable inside this relationship, more anxious than calm, more doubtful than secure. When those become the dominant feelings in a relationship it’s typically best to listen to them rather than try to eliminate them through tags, status updates, and the creation of proxy tests where FB becomes the barometer of emotional health.

 

Whether he’s just not into it as you are, or whether he’s just not into FB as you are, the path you’re on is a path to heightened nerves and discomfort not calm and deeper connection. I mean, there’s a reason you think he’s only doing these gestures for you to see: because he is. He’s trying to offer you something to soothe you while also being himself, be that a man who is more private on FB or a man who is not as committed to this as you are.

 

Speaking for myself? This would drive me bonkers. I’m in a relationship with someone I am crazy about. If my gf wanted to announce, in a status update, that we are together I’d be weirded out, because I don’t do that. Never have. Fortunately, it doesn’t come up, ever. We’re on the same page on that, one of those little things that make the big thing possible. If she needed someone who validated the relationship through social media—no judgement, but it would mean I’m not the one for her and she’s not the one for me.

 

Maybe it’s time to think about it in those terms rather than in the dizzying muck of tags, likes, and updates?

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Is he still on the dating site?

 

I'm not sure if he is or not. I'm sure I do need counseling if I'm willing to still put up with this . It makes me unhappy and even more insecure. Also, I just enjoy Facebook reconnecting with friends, seeing what other people are up to.

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2 years and he refuses to acknowledge you to his friends and family and people on FB?

 

You are a secret. He wants you around but he doesn't want you cramping his style in case a better deal comes along.

 

It's fairly easy to see that.

 

A man in love should be proud to show you off, he's not doing that either.

 

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated so badly?

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Oh right, you've met his family, a few times but it's still the same deal...he doesn't want you cramping his style on FB incase someone better comes along.

 

He wants to look single to all the ladies that he is liking their pictures.

 

It's pretty pathetic to be honest.

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So, no one here feels like he's hiding something -- just me being insecure? Maybe I should note at least twice he has had his relationship all over Facebook with pictures, etc. So, it can't be that he's too private. I saw the pictures and the comments. Why so different for me?

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I remember your last feed very clearly. We can continue to focus on the nitty gritty of social media, or we can focus on what the nitty-gritty points at: that you are deeply uncomfortable inside this relationship, more anxious than calm, more doubtful than secure. When those become the dominant feelings in a relationship it’s typically best to listen to them rather than try to eliminate them through tags, status updates, and the creation of proxy tests where FB becomes the barometer of emotional health.

 

Whether he’s just not into it as you are, or whether he’s just not into FB as you are, the path you’re on is a path to heightened nerves and discomfort not calm and deeper connection. I mean, there’s a reason you think he’s only doing these gestures for you to see: because he is. He’s trying to offer you something to soothe you while also being himself, be that a man who is more private on FB or a man who is not as committed to this as you are.

 

Speaking for myself? This would drive me bonkers. I’m in a relationship with someone I am crazy about. If my gf wanted to announce, in a status update, that we are together I’d be weirded out, because I don’t do that. Never have. Fortunately, it doesn’t come up, ever. We’re on the same page on that, one of those little things that make the big thing possible. If she needed someone who validated the relationship through social media—no judgement, but it would mean I’m not the one for her and she’s not the one for me.

 

Maybe it’s time to think about it in those terms rather than in the dizzying muck of tags, likes, and updates?

 

Blue, she doesn't even know if he's still active on a dating site. Three months ago he was.

 

Facebook is a symptom. I have to presume it's easier to focus on that than on what's really going on here...OP, you are anxious and unsure about this relationship and for good reason. Question is, why continue when you know for a fact it isn't going to change?

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2 years and he refuses to acknowledge you to his friends and family and people on FB?

 

You are a secret. He wants you around but he doesn't want you cramping his style in case a better deal comes along.

 

It's fairly easy to see that.

 

A man in love should be proud to show you off, he's not doing that either.

 

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated so badly?

 

Honestly, I don't know why I'm allowing this. It is pathetic that I have so little self worth.

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I'm not sure if he is or not. I'm sure I do need counseling if I'm willing to still put up with this . It makes me unhappy and even more insecure. Also, I just enjoy Facebook reconnecting with friends, seeing what other people are up to.

 

I strongly suggest more face-to-face with friends, it is much more substantial than likes and posts. I also suggest expanding your social life and getting off of social media.

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So, no one here feels like he's hiding something -- just me being insecure? Maybe I should note at least twice he has had his relationship all over Facebook with pictures, etc. So, it can't be that he's too private. I saw the pictures and the comments. Why so different for me?

 

Um, no. Most of us agree that he has reasons for wanting to keep you a secret. Also, the fact that you don't even know if he's active on a dating site.

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He is hiding something...he's hiding YOU.

 

He does not want you claiming territory on his FB page and he is getting angry over you trying to do it.

 

He wants to look like he's single and by the sounds of it, nothing is going to change his mind.

 

Heck no, you're not being insecure, FB now a days is the announcement place to all if anyone important enters your life.

He doesn't want that with you.

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Honestly, I don't know why I'm allowing this. It is pathetic that I have so little self worth.

 

That's just an excuse to stay in this situation. Oh, I'm pathetic and I can't do anything about it! Yes, you can. But it's a choice; be strong or cast yourself in a victim role. Which do you prefer?

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So, no one here feels like he's hiding something -- just me being insecure? Maybe I should note at least twice he has had his relationship all over Facebook with pictures, etc. So, it can't be that he's too private. I saw the pictures and the comments. Why so different for me?

 

Are we reading the same responses? He is on a dating site, flirting with other girls, keeps you on the periphery of his life, and is keeping you a secret. Where do you not see him "hiding something?" There is no future with this guy! Stop making excuses.

 

Dump him and get some counseling.

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My ex didn't want me on his Facebook. It was because he wanted to appear totally single to other women so he could try to "hook up" with them. He even introduced me as his "bestest friend" to a woman he'd met who he wanted to sleep with. Right in front of me.

 

Sadly, back then I was like you, wanting to hang on desperately despite the evidence being shoved in my face. I had no self esteem. Not a shred. Lucky for me he dumped me, otherwise I might still be acting a fool.

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He is hiding something...he's hiding YOU.

 

He does not want you claiming territory on his FB page and he is getting angry over you trying to do it.

 

He wants to look like he's single and by the sounds of it, nothing is going to change his mind.

 

Heck no, you're not being insecure, FB now a days is the announcement place to all if anyone important enters your life.

He doesn't want that with you.

 

Last week when we were discussing it, I told him I felt like he didn't want anyone knowing we were together. That set him off and he got really pissed off, then went silent and refused to speak to me. It was the first time I ever saw him get like that. And, I agree, if he loves me like he says he does, he should be proud -- like I am. He's a huge part of my life right now. Why would I not want to share that?

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Last week when we were discussing it, I told him I felt like he didn't want anyone knowing we were together. That set him off and he got really pissed off, then went silent and refused to speak to me. It was the first time I ever saw him get like that. And, I agree, if he loves me like he says he does, he should be proud -- like I am. He's a huge part of my life right now. Why would I not want to share that?

 

YOU want to share. HE doesn't.

 

What about this makes you want to hold on? And please, not that old tired "but I LOVE him!!!" excuse.

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