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Love my friend but she is confusing to me...


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Hi, all-


I have a friend that I have been getting to know for about a year. It's been really good but I'm a feelings type of person. She isn't. We have had a pretty lovely friendship, though. I think we both hang out with maybe 1-2 other people on a semi-regular basis as we are both busy lawyers and we have found it hard to make friends. And also, it would seem that adult friendships aren't the easiest to cultivate. We definitely carve out time to spend together. All of that is great. Here is the weird part. If I text her, she rarely texts back. If I ask her a specific question she likely will text me back like hours and hours later. I know she texts other people though. I don't mean to sound juvenile but it has made me feel like she doesn't care. However, when I see her in person, she is normal and friendly. I don't get this because I am just not that way. If a good friend messages me, I want to reply. I KNOW she likes me and that we really like each other so it isn't that. I want to text her because not texting her feels like a game. However, the lack of responses I let take a toll on my self-esteem and my thoughts about our relationship. And we don't text THAT MUCH, so it isn't like I'm shooting gobs of messages at her. I might text her once or twice a week. I feel like if I stop texting her, she won't text me and I can hear the ENA community now (because I have been reading threads here for years) say, "If you think she won't ever text you then what kind of friendship must you really have!?" The thing is that, texting really isn't THAT important, but it's definitely a way that we can maintain the momentum of our friendship as it's newish. I'm the kind of person that wants to remind people that I'm thinking of them and to do what it takes to grow a relationship that I really care about, etc. For example, if I know she has a big case one day, I will text and say, "I hope your case goes well!" That kind of thing would not get a response. I, however, would totally love that my friend 1) remembered that I had a big case and 2) that they thought about me enough to wish me well and I would at least be like, "Thanks for thinking of me!" I would be interested to hear your take on it.

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You sound a bit too hot and heavy. Dial it back a little. She may be uncomfortable with your level of texting and it really doesn't go much beyond that. You may be a great guy and coworker but your ideas about friendships are a bit too much and high maintenance. You're not going to lose a friend if you don't text them very often.


Have you lost someone close to you recently?

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Hi, Rose Mosse...


I haven't lost anyone. I just really like this person as a friend (I'm a woman also :). We really enjoy being friends and we have both said how great it has been to find someone with whom we can have a more than the typical surface level friendship. We work at different law firms also, so not colleagues, per se. I guess I can just stop texting her and let her initiate if she wants. I definitely do what it takes to grow my friendships and so it's odd to me to actually not do that and kind of just leave it alone.

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Sorry! It's probably a good idea to slow it down a little and let her come to you. I'm sure she'll reach out every now and then. I'm not so good texting. Sometimes I think of something and it seems really dumb after awhile or I forget about it because something else comes up. I do tend to censor myself more via text than in person. I end up chatting about it in person with so and so. Get to know each other a little more. Don't feel so bad.

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