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My BF texts prostitutes, is on dating apps and is an alcoholic.


ForestGirl
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Hi. So we’ve been dating for 1.5 years. I’m 38 he’s 40. Both come from loveless and disfunctional marriages. When he’s not being absolutely horrible to me he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Treats me well, loves all the same things and makes me feel good about myself, usually...

 

For the first few months he was absolutely amazing and I finally let myself trust a man fully. Drama w his ex wife and kids led to him breaking up with me very early on and going back to her for a month. I forgave him. Then she stopped letting him see his kids because she hated that we were happy together.

 

That’s where everything started to really go downhill. His drinking got really bad. He is an alcoholic and I won’t lie I regularly participate in consumption mainly because it’s too difficult not to drink when around someone who is. But I could easily toss the bottle and not think twice. He is physically and mentally addicted, to the point of physical withdrawals if he doesn’t have it. He even got a DUI a few months ago which led to me having to drive him to and from work an hour each way as well as playing taxi driver for his kids when he did get to see them for 3 months.

 

Additionally he recently stopped taking an anxiety medication for no reason. Lastly, in my non expert opinion I truly believe he is either bipolar or has borderline personality disorder. And BTW I’m not perfect, I deal with bouts of depression and I really don’t handle conflict well due to a very disfunctional upbringing coupled with two abusive marriages.

 

Last year he started becoming randomly mean while drinking. He would be very apathetic, accusatory, jealous, and downright hateful. This would lead to a break up for a day or two in which he would ignore all my communications and attempts to resolve. It wasn’t until we made up after my birthday that I discovered what else he had been up to.

 

I discovered he has regularly been on dating and prostitute websites. He has multiple accounts some created since we’ve been together and even using profile photos of picture I took of him while on vacation together. It gets worse. I’ve found the messages where multiple times he has arranged to meet these other women including prostitutes.

 

When I first confronted him he completely denied having done any of it. Then he said it was just entertainment that guys at work put on his phone. Then he said he started doing it when he was single as a way to connect with other women without having to go out to bars. He said he never actually met with any of them but got off on making them think they were going to meet and getting them to send him dirty pictures so he could masturbate.

 

In my heart I don’t believe that he never actually met with these women. His behaviors of random breakups followed by days binging on this activity don’t lead me to believe anything else. Am I wrong?

 

Our arguments have gotten really bad lately. What bothers me the most is how he can go from talking about us spending our lives together, building a home etc then 15 minutes later be breaking up with me and saying horrible things. He promises that he’s no longer on any of the sites and said I could always look at his phone as long as I did it with him so he could explain anything. To be clear, he ALWAYS has and wants access to my phone, regularly snoops through all of my info and has even gone through everything in my bedroom and office. It’s like he’s always looking for something I’ve done wrong even though I’ve never given him a reason to.

 

He on the other hand has not only done all this messaging at the very least but always keeps his ringer off when I’m around, guards his phone and iPad vehemently and often leaves them in the car when we’re together.

 

Last night he was scrolling through open tabs on his phone when I caught sight of one that looked like he was once again on hooker websites. I asked him what it was and if I could see it. He immediately got defensive and started an argument. I told him this wasn’t going to work for me that I wanted to trust him again but need the reassurance of being able to see what he’s been up to for it. As is his usual MO he was quick to just break up rather than resolve.

 

I don’t know what to do or what to believe anymore. I’m able to forgive if the behavior actually stops but he’s not giving me any reason to believe it is. Do you think he actually cheated or is this truly just a twisted way to get off? And why? Our sex life is truly amazing. Am I crazy for considering the messaging and photo swapping a form of cheating and expect it to stop? Do you think his behaviors are due to the alcohol is is it just his true self coming out when he drinks? I’m so lost. I love him so much and my kids do too. I don’t want to go through another heart ache never knowing if he truly did the things I think he did. I also don’t want to live a life of heartache feeling worried that he’s cheating and always feeling so on edge that he will toss me aside so quickly in a moment of drunken rage. I’m just so sad and lost.

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Break up with him! You deserve and can do better! I know you may feel you are in love but that's not love but obsession. If a friend did this to you of course you would end your friendship,don't you? It's the same with this. He betrayed you even though you don't want to see it,the evidence and the truth is just right in front of your eyes. He won't change because if he loved you,he wouldn't do the things that he OF COURSE did. No one that loves you feels the need to hurt a beloved one. You can't help someone who does nit want to be helped (about the alcoholic problem) either his behaviour is due to his addiction or not,he is mentally ill. You need to run away.

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What do mean you don't know what you do? The entire relationship has been a disaster, he is an abusive alcoholic who sleeps with and communicate with prostitutes.

 

I suggest you get therapy, tested for STDs and not date for a few years. You need to understand why you value yourself so little to date these types of men. You are choosing the bottom of the barrel. Why!

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It seems that you have followed up two dysfunctional marriages with a deeply dysfunctional relationship. However long you choose to continue in it is up to you. But you're experienced enough to know what a mess is and what a mess feels like—like this—and probably experienced enough to know that messes don't magically evolve into paradises, but that paradise, or at least a step in that direction, is found by ending them.

 

Reading what you wrote? I'd risk 10K of my savings, without blinking, on betting that your boyfriend has been with prostitutes since you've been together. And some dates with women on apps. Any other story you could tell—and I understand the instinct to tell them—is really just an attempt to trick and blind yourself enough to be comfortable in a deeply troubling and uncomfortable relationship.

 

You use the word "forgive" a lot. Thing is? There is a fine line—not even so fine, but stark—between forgiveness and enabling. I fear you have mistaken the latter for the former, and could probably use some time to yourself to sort them out. As it stands, you have been enabling his worst instincts since basically day one: the drinking, the lack of boundaries, the wandering eye. You are a reward for his damage, since you forgive/enable it, and as such he has no motivation to change.

 

I would suggest you end this and take some time for yourself, some time with a therapist, so you can understand these patterns a bit more. Right now it sounds like you give yourself a bit of a hall pass—that, in your mind, your own childhood and turbulent romantic history means you're built for this, and this only, or that you should engage in more turbulence to atone for past turbulence. But no. Doesn't have to work that way.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I do hope you see that there are other choices, and that choosing this is just a recipe for more pain, more confusion, more back sliding into places you've been before. Generally speaking, the moment you are uttering anything along the lines of "but when it's good, it's really good" it means you are describing an awful relationship that is no good. It means your radar has gotten so warped that things that are baseline to most people—nice times, good sex, kindness—are amplified into godsends for you since they are the rare moments broken up by awful ones.

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The more chances you give someone the less respect they'll start to have for you. He's not afraid to lose you simply because he knows another chance will always be given, and no matter what you won't walk away.

 

No offense, but you've allowed him to become comfortable with disrespecting you. In this scenario, it's what you see is what you get. And last but not least, are you afraid of being alone?

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You really are allowing yourself to really go low with this guy.

 

He's an alcoholic, he's verbally abusive, irresponsible, a liar, and a cheater.

There is little to nothing this man can offer you and whatever 'good' you think is there is not real and lies to keep you there.

 

You so badly want this whole fantasy of him being a good enough match for a husband, but it's not ever going to come true.

 

He is the worst type of man and he is never going to change.

 

You need to make the decision to want a better life and walk away. But if you keep convincing yourself that he's okay or he's not that bad or that it will get better, then you're going to be stuck in this toxic cycle for a long time yet.

 

I also encourage you to get tested for STD's

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Nope Nope nope nope

Please believe me when I say if you get this drama out of your life, you will be much happier. This has all been taking its toll on you for awhile and you are NORMALIZING it. It's not normal and you need to look out for yourself, the longer you leave it the harder it will be because he is MANIPULATING you.

He can suit himself, honestly if a friend told you all this.

you would say

GTFOOOOOOO

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I don't think either of you are good for each other. It might be a good time now to take a look at you feel deep down (how this relationship makes you feel as a person, a human being). You mentioned feeling sad and lost. I'm more sad for the children that may or may not be living with you (it seems your kids are with both of you?). They don't need to see their mum hurting this way and this is absolutely no way to show them how women should be treated or the way women should live in a relationship or household. If not for yourself, I'd think more about their wellbeing and how this is affecting them psychologically and emotionally. Go through things bit by bit, figure out your finances and look out for your kids.

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You're in another terribly toxic relationship, OP.

 

Get rid of him. It's not going to get better and it's probably worse than you really know. What you discovered is likely only a fraction of the truth.

 

Book an appointment with a good therapist. You need to get to the bottom of why this seems to be a pattern for you, and why you don't value yourself enough to run for the hills. Also, book an appointment with a doctor and get a full STI and HIV test. I guarantee you he's been seeing and sleeping with other people a lot longer than you realize, and I highly doubt he's been safe about it.

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